2nd Chance Success Story. Second Chances

[BrianD1985]

BrianD,

 

 

 

I do have a question if you don't mind. I've been NC for almost a week now. The last time I talked to him (only through text) I begged for him to reconsider and to meet me for lunch. He said he didn't think it was a good idea, that I'd be a lot happier without him, and that without trust we were just "spinning out wheels" and not going anywhere. We both fought a lot and there were trust/communication issues on both sides. Is there any chance he'll miss me and contact me do you think, despite all of this?

 

He's ignored me for so long and, in the relationship, we would talk every day no matter what. It's just so hard going from that to nothing so fast. It scares me when people flip the script so fast, as if after a year together, we meant virtually nothing to him.

 

I agree, the dramatic shift from "everything to nothing" is very strange and upsetting, but it is part of the process unfortunately. I can tell you with certainty that they will miss you. There's no real set timeline for it, but there will come a time when they feel the absence too. Maybe they already do. This doesn't guarantee any kind of 2nd chance, but if it makes you feel better, you are definitely missed. Give them space and time and allow them to miss you. It may very well be the end, but if they want to get you back they will make that effort somewhere down the road. Then it is up to you if you want that. Let yourself move on and heal and enjoy your life.

[legit1]

Wow, very inspiring. So glad over time that everything that was meant to be happen. It is not an easy road, no doubt but it sounds like things all came together organically in the end. Congrats.

[BrianD1985]

Wow, very inspiring. So glad over time that everything that was meant to be happen. It is not an easy road, no doubt but it sounds like things all came together organically in the end. Congrats.

 

I appreciate that. It is definitely not an easy road, but one you have to travel.

[OhioGuy7]

BrianD-

I'm glad to see you found success with I'm sure so painfully hopeless times!

I'm 5 months into a break turned break with a girl I dated for 4 years.. It's been hard to say the least, she left it open saying she didn't want to throw us away, that she couldn't stay with me based on my word, I needed to change, that "everything will be okay, everything will work out"

 

I took her for granted, I was selfish, stubborn I made a big effort to make the chances I needed and have made.. I tried to show her I changed, she had a new guy a month after and still with him to this day, our break turned break up. Her attitude and feelings changed about me when she got this guy, she said she's so happy now, she closed our chapter In her life, she can't see herself coming back, I got the "never" text as well. Everything was done through text, I haven't talked to her in person since before the breakup and on the one one time.. She has been pretty cruel to me, I've been wrote off as only negative.. It's hard but the last time we texted I did leave a good memory for her mind, I doubt she will look at it like that right now, only time will tell I guess.. She told me she hasn't missed me at all, not sure if she meant that or if she was mad at me.. But I realized I had to let go and stop reaching out to her. We haven't talked in a over a month. I have accepted the break up, that it had to happen, I don't want that old relationship I want to build a new one with her if given that chance.. I have realized after all this she is the one I want but I cannot force it she has to come to me if she ever wants to work it out.

 

My question to you is what do you think changes their mind about us to want to come back? When they swear up and down its over? Is it time, space, to give them time to remember the good in you and why they fell in love with you in the first place.. I'm really interested in your thoughts on this because she is so negative about me, holding on to anger from my actions.. How I hurt her.. What makes them flip there feelings and thought about you again?

[NopeNah]

BrianD-

My question to you is what do you think changes their mind about us to want to come back? When they swear up and down its over? Is it time, space, to give them time to remember the good in you and why they fell in love with you in the first place.. I'm really interested in your thoughts on this because she is so negative about me, holding on to anger from my actions.. How I hurt her.. What makes them flip there feelings and thought about you again?

 

I'm not the OP,but that's a question that can't be answered. I've gotten back with some after a few months/years and some I never spoke to again.

 

My advice is: Don't wait on them to want you back and start moving forward with a life without them.

[OhioGuy7]

Did they ever say what changed their mind?! Did she reach out to try to get back? Or was it mutual?!

[NopeNah]

Did they ever say what changed their mind?! Did she reach out to try to get back? Or was it mutual?!

Some reached out,some were a random encounter out on the town, BUT I never waited for them to return or reached out to them.

[OhioGuy7]

Thanks! That helps a lot I'm not waiting for her, but I'd be lying if I said I did not want her back at some point. I just think it's crazy how people can be so against something, like taking an ex back, they built up this wall around them, they have all these negative thoughts and feelings toward someone they once loved.. Which is always forgotten sadly.. Then when time goes by they seem to change their minds about us? I don't know what changes all the negative thoughts, hurtful things said, the "never dating again" text, then one day things change... I hope that happens in my case but I will not hold my breathe..

[xpaperxcutx]

I have my good and bad days. And lasy

night I ended crying myself to sleep. It's been a year he left me for another girl and I haven't been myself at all.

 

My second chance left. My ex gives me bread crumbs but nothing significant where he made the choice to be with me. I am not even a part of his life.

 

I really want my second chance but I dont know if it will ever happen.

[mmmike]

I have my good and bad days. And lasy

night I ended crying myself to sleep. It's been a year he left me for another girl and I haven't been myself at all.

 

My second chance left. My ex gives me bread crumbs but nothing significant where he made the choice to be with me. I am not even a part of his life.

 

I really want my second chance but I dont know if it will ever happen.

 

This can be very painful, I have been there. The best advice I can offer is take care of yourself, eat well, watch a ton of self improvement clips and read self help books, reach out on these forums when you're in pain and know that eventually you will start to feel better. Sometimes it helps me to remember the things I really didn't like about my ex. When I do this it can help the pain slightly. Good luck.

[Jatli]

I too just got back with my ex after almost 2 years apart. It was very hard and we were on very limited contact.

 

I was never mean to him and no bad words were ever exchanged between us. Even though he left me for another woman I never yelled at him. He never admitted that he left me for her but I knew.

 

After about 15 months he started showing up where I was and calling me and texting me more. Then started asking me out for coffee. Then we just started hanging out more and more. Eventually he realized he wanted us back and he left her and we are taking things slow but it's good.

 

We didn't hash out everything that went wrong either. No sense in that. We just started again like it was new.

 

I agree there has to be a good amount of NC in order to get to know yourself again. That way you can really know if you want that person in your life.

 

Like you I moved on in my life but I thought about him every single day and my love for him never faltered.

 

It's hard, so very hard. But if the love is truly there it will rise again.

[BrianD1985]

BrianD-

My question to you is what do you think changes their mind about us to want to come back? When they swear up and down its over? Is it time, space, to give them time to remember the good in you and why they fell in love with you in the first place.. I'm really interested in your thoughts on this because she is so negative about me, holding on to anger from my actions.. How I hurt her.. What makes them flip there feelings and thought about you again?

 

Sorry for the delay. I would agree it is all of those things, time, space, letting them remember you. There is nothing you can do to help them change their mind; although there are certainly things you can do to confirm they made the right decision; e.g. begging, crying, getting angry etc. You need to let go, let them move on, and if it is meant to be they will find their way back. For your own sanity and health you need to completely move on which will take some time.

 

Put yourself in their shoes; what do you find desirable in a person? What do you end up missing in a person? I am sure it is not someone who is angry or clingy. it is probably someone who is self-sufficient, and is living their life standing on their own two feet. Go be your best self, and if a second chance happens, fantastic. if not, you're still doing great and will have lots of amazing opportunities.

[CUL]

This is my first post on here, but I wanted to share my experience because when I was searching for success stories 2 months ago, all I saw was tons of pessimism.

 

I was with my BF for 1.5 years before we broke up. For the first year, we were inseparable - we lived every second of our lives together (looking back, this wasn't healthy at all), but we were in a state of bliss. Once the honeymoon period ended, he started wanting time on his own to drink, party and hang out with friends (we're still in uni, so it was nothing unexpected). It was my first "real" relationship, so when I saw this change in him, all my panic buttons went off at once! I started doubting him, accusing him of cheating, hurling hurtful statements his way. I became really needy and clingy, restricting him from going out, and calling him non-stop when he actually did go out. He said he felt "suffocated" and that he feared coming home every day to me yelling. It didn't help that we lived together.

 

So somewhere around the 1.5 year mark, I was still crazy, and he became distant, which made me even more crazy! Eventually he asked for a break, which I didn't take well. It ended in me telling him to get out and that I wanted to end things. He didn't resist - he didn't even look sad! He just left.

 

A few days later, I cooled off and asked him to come back, but he never responded to any of my phone calls or texts. Over the next week or so, I did the whole grovelling thing - went to see him, only to be turned away - sent him long emails - long texts but never received a reply. Nothing worked and he told me to just "move on" and that "our problems were too big to fix". I'd never seen him so cold, and he told his friends that he would not give our relationship another chance. He made it clear that he wasn't looking back anymore.

 

During our time apart, I took the chance to reflect upon our relationship and what led to us breaking up. I read article after article about neediness, and why space was important in a relationship. I realised that before getting into a relationship, I was independent, self-sufficient and confident. But after being with someone who gave me so much of himself, I became dependent on him. I felt like I couldn't live life without him there - or just that I would be miserable living life without him. And THAT realisation was extremely important because it changed how I handled myself from there on out.

 

We went about 3 weeks NC - for the first 1-2 weeks, I was begging for him to come back, but he was firm on his decision. But soon after, I decided to work on myself instead - to try to be happy being alone. I will not lie, it was TERRIBLE. I would feel bouts of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks every morning waking up without him. It was difficult to get out of bed, and to live life normally. I tried to do the "go out with friends" thing, but I was always sad when I was out - because I would have much rather been home with him.

 

But I forced myself to try to find happiness despite all that had happened. I told myself that everyone I know who have gone through break ups have come out on the other side, alive and well. I took walks, kept journal logs and spent more time taking care of myself. I even created a morning routine of sitting down for a coffee by myself.

 

After around 3ish weeks after the BU, he contacted me but only about our housing situation. We had decided to continue living apart until we figured out what to do with the flat. I told him that in order for both of us to move on, I wouldn't want to live together anymore. Over the next week, he would text me every now and then with updates on his life. I replied in a friendly manner, showing him that I cared, but I never brought up our relationship. At this point, although I still wanted him back, I desperately wanted to try to be happy being alone.

 

A few days after, he asked to drop by to talk. It was casual at first, then he broke down and begged for me not to let go of the flat. He said that it meant a lot to him and that he still wanted to live life together until our tenancy expired. He said that he knew what he was giving up on, but he still had a feeling within him that he needed to be alone in order to know what he wanted for sure. This confused the hell out of me, because he wasn't asking to get back together - but just to live life together. I told him I would think about it, and eventually I caved (I don't like seeing people cry).

 

1 month+ after our BU, he moved back in, and we slept in separate rooms. We were unnaturally formal with each other in the beginning - with very minimal contact. But we eventually warmed up to each other, and because we generally share the same sense of humor and interests, it wasn't long before we spent more and more time together. After 2 weeks he started coming to sleep in my room every other night, and we got into our old routine again. But at this point, something had changed within me. I realised that I no longer needed him to feel happy - I was happy just being me! And this feeling wasn't borne out of spite or anger. In fact, I was happier than I ever was in a relationship. So while I allowed him to sleep in my room, I was no longer begging for him, or desperate to have him back.

 

It's been around 2.5 months since we BU, and things have pretty much returned to when we were together. He calls me "his baby" again and tells me that he wants me in his life in the long run. We've planned trips together and he hugs me to sleep every night, yada yada. I have steered clear of any talk of "getting back together" because I think it's too soon for that. I see this as a "let's live in this moment, and see where it brings us" state. We still love each other very much, and make it very clear to each other. On my part, I fear getting back together will end my journey towards being self-sufficient and drag me back into my clingy ways. I am not sure what he feels on his part, but eventually we will have "that conversation".

 

The point I am trying to make by this (extremely long) post is that life isn't always black & white. I used to think that "either you want me, or you don't". But where I am at, whether or not we get back together will be something I leave to fate. I will not spend my days devising plans to "get my ex back". Sometimes, you just have to accept the situation you're in, and instead of trying to reverse it, you should try to see how you can better yourself in the process to avoid it from happening again in the future.

 

People say break ups make you stronger. They really do. No matter how it pans out, if you take it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to see the error in your ways, you come out so much stronger and might I say, happier. My view on the situation that I'm in is that, if I were to ever get back together with him and if I want it to last, I need to be sure that I can offer him a healthy relationship. That means respecting his space, not throwing unnecessary tantrums, and having a life of my own to live. And if we do not get back together, I know that my next relationship will be healthier and happier.

 

These days, he still looks nervous when he tells me that he intends to go out to party or to meet his friends, as though he's expecting me to blow up. But my response is usually a "Have fun!" or "Alright, see you later!" - and I sincerely mean it. That's how I know this break up was worthwhile. Because i no longer sit at home counting the hours until he gets back, feeling miserable. Instead, I study or watch tv shows (I love being at home too much to go out late at night). And when he comes home and tells me how much fun he had, it makes me think back to the times where I would force him to stay home with me, both of us miserable. I would never go back to a time like that. Had we not broken up, I would have never realised any of this.

 

So to any of you going through a break up, or a similar situation, try not to overthink things or spend too much time trying to reverse the situation. Instead, try to work on yourself. If you cannot be happy being just you, you will not be able to be happy sharing your life with someone else.

 

I'm happy to share more of my story with you guys, and share tips on how I managed to survive the immediate pain that ensued my BU.

[Mikeyfreedom]

I am also back with my ex. Its a very long story so I wont go into deep details BUT I want to get over a message to anyone that is struggling. I have been there, in a bad way as well.

 

 

I was with the love of my life 7 years, the last few years we really lost the connection with each other. We split up, and I then found out later, it was for someone else. Devastating.

 

 

The things that was really important in this situation, was that as low and crushed as I was, I KNEW I had to get hold of myself. Very difficult.

 

 

I analyzed firstly myself, and what part I played in the breakdown, this only became really clear later on, BUT as far as my actions and attitudes and behaviors, I knew I was not being the partner I should have been. I was struggling with depression and was drinking very heavily indeed.

 

 

That stopped first, I addressed my depression as well as I could, and then decided that no matter what happened I had to repair myself before I could do anything else. So that is what I did. I went to the gym every day, no excuses, every time I felt like giving up or not bothering, I reminded myself of what I had done, how I had really pushed the relationship to the point it was in. That motivated me massively.

 

 

As I started to lose weight I started to feel better about myself, I was still hurting badly, but it improved me. I started to really care again about my appearance and started feeling some pride in myself. The time in many many years.

 

 

Eventually I got to the point, where I had to accept I had more than likely lost her forever, but I knew life was going to go on, and no matter what the experience had changed me for good. And out of something very bad some good had come, even though I was still heartbroken.

 

 

I never went fully NC, we still chatted here and there, and nicely as well. We never fell out. (even though she was with someone else I didn't know this) When we did eventually meet, I took pride in myself, I didn't ask once to get back together or was there a future. Don't get me wrong, every bone in body wanted too, but I knew if I was rejected it would kill me more. I HAD to hold myself together. So I just concentrated on myself and the changes I had made in my life.

 

 

I think showing that, and how I had tackled the major issues I had, and it wasn't for show or to win her back, it was primarily for me and my life, we had reconciled and were back together within days. If you do it to win someone back, I think it will fail. It will be transparent that its fake and not genuine.

 

 

We have been back together 5 months, we are stronger than we ever were in the past, really in love again, the problems leading to breakup we have discussed and have resolved fully. I am extremely happy, with her, and after a long long time, myself. My life has totally changed for the experience and in a positive way. We agree it was a shame for us to go through that BUT we take the positive now that we are better and stronger for it.

 

 

The message I really want to get across is this. Its easy to blame the other person for the hurt or situation. BUT concentrate on yourself. It became very clear to me, that I wasn't meeting her needs in the relationship, I let myself go and ended up in a place where I couldn't see further than the end of my own nose. That was the beginning of the end in that period.

 

 

Better yourself, concentrate on getting yourself into a good position, then if it doesn't work out, you are tackling life in a better way and life will become easier for you anyway.

 

 

Learn lessons - I have taken responsibility for my actions, I know where I went wrong, and because I have addressed that, my life is happier and richer for it. I also now know what I need to do in the relationship to make it successful. Something I woefully ignored previously. That will now never be reversed. I concentrate on that daily and make sure I deliver on what I say i'm going to do. She has actually said that this is the person she wanted all along, but just never could get. I found myself. Not the ideal way to do it, but every situation can bring positives if you do the right things.

[fiskadoro]

I am also back with my ex. Its a very long story so I wont go into deep details BUT I want to get over a message to anyone that is struggling. I have been there, in a bad way as well.

 

 

I was with the love of my life 7 years, the last few years we really lost the connection with each other. We split up, and I then found out later, it was for someone else. Devastating.

 

 

The things that was really important in this situation, was that as low and crushed as I was, I KNEW I had to get hold of myself. Very difficult.

 

 

I analyzed firstly myself, and what part I played in the breakdown, this only became really clear later on, BUT as far as my actions and attitudes and behaviors, I knew I was not being the partner I should have been. I was struggling with depression and was drinking very heavily indeed.

 

 

That stopped first, I addressed my depression as well as I could, and then decided that no matter what happened I had to repair myself before I could do anything else. So that is what I did. I went to the gym every day, no excuses, every time I felt like giving up or not bothering, I reminded myself of what I had done, how I had really pushed the relationship to the point it was in. That motivated me massively.

 

 

As I started to lose weight I started to feel better about myself, I was still hurting badly, but it improved me. I started to really care again about my appearance and started feeling some pride in myself. The time in many many years.

 

 

Eventually I got to the point, where I had to accept I had more than likely lost her forever, but I knew life was going to go on, and no matter what the experience had changed me for good. And out of something very bad some good had come, even though I was still heartbroken.

 

 

I never went fully NC, we still chatted here and there, and nicely as well. We never fell out. (even though she was with someone else I didn't know this) When we did eventually meet, I took pride in myself, I didn't ask once to get back together or was there a future. Don't get me wrong, every bone in body wanted too, but I knew if I was rejected it would kill me more. I HAD to hold myself together. So I just concentrated on myself and the changes I had made in my life.

 

 

I think showing that, and how I had tackled the major issues I had, and it wasn't for show or to win her back, it was primarily for me and my life, we had reconciled and were back together within days. If you do it to win someone back, I think it will fail. It will be transparent that its fake and not genuine.

 

 

We have been back together 5 months, we are stronger than we ever were in the past, really in love again, the problems leading to breakup we have discussed and have resolved fully. I am extremely happy, with her, and after a long long time, myself. My life has totally changed for the experience and in a positive way. We agree it was a shame for us to go through that BUT we take the positive now that we are better and stronger for it.

 

 

The message I really want to get across is this. Its easy to blame the other person for the hurt or situation. BUT concentrate on yourself. It became very clear to me, that I wasn't meeting her needs in the relationship, I let myself go and ended up in a place where I couldn't see further than the end of my own nose. That was the beginning of the end in that period.

 

 

Better yourself, concentrate on getting yourself into a good position, then if it doesn't work out, you are tackling life in a better way and life will become easier for you anyway.

 

 

Learn lessons - I have taken responsibility for my actions, I know where I went wrong, and because I have addressed that, my life is happier and richer for it. I also now know what I need to do in the relationship to make it successful. Something I woefully ignored previously. That will now never be reversed. I concentrate on that daily and make sure I deliver on what I say i'm going to do. She has actually said that this is the person she wanted all along, but just never could get. I found myself. Not the ideal way to do it, but every situation can bring positives if you do the right things.

Your reply was thoughtful and inspiring. I have a question: did you and do you take all the blame for the breakup? It seems that many people gravitate towards one extreme or another: they are either all to blame, or not to blame at all. What role did she play, and did you discuss this as well? If you did discuss it, how in depth did you go?

 

 

Thanks

Edited March 13, 2016 by fiskadoro

[duncsvoice]

This is my first post on here, but I wanted to share my experience because when I was searching for success stories 2 months ago, all I saw was tons of pessimism.

 

I was with my BF for 1.5 years before we broke up. For the first year, we were inseparable - we lived every second of our lives together (looking back, this wasn't healthy at all), but we were in a state of bliss. Once the honeymoon period ended, he started wanting time on his own to drink, party and hang out with friends (we're still in uni, so it was nothing unexpected). It was my first "real" relationship, so when I saw this change in him, all my panic buttons went off at once! I started doubting him, accusing him of cheating, hurling hurtful statements his way. I became really needy and clingy, restricting him from going out, and calling him non-stop when he actually did go out. He said he felt "suffocated" and that he feared coming home every day to me yelling. It didn't help that we lived together.

 

So somewhere around the 1.5 year mark, I was still crazy, and he became distant, which made me even more crazy! Eventually he asked for a break, which I didn't take well. It ended in me telling him to get out and that I wanted to end things. He didn't resist - he didn't even look sad! He just left.

 

A few days later, I cooled off and asked him to come back, but he never responded to any of my phone calls or texts. Over the next week or so, I did the whole grovelling thing - went to see him, only to be turned away - sent him long emails - long texts but never received a reply. Nothing worked and he told me to just "move on" and that "our problems were too big to fix". I'd never seen him so cold, and he told his friends that he would not give our relationship another chance. He made it clear that he wasn't looking back anymore.

 

During our time apart, I took the chance to reflect upon our relationship and what led to us breaking up. I read article after article about neediness, and why space was important in a relationship. I realised that before getting into a relationship, I was independent, self-sufficient and confident. But after being with someone who gave me so much of himself, I became dependent on him. I felt like I couldn't live life without him there - or just that I would be miserable living life without him. And THAT realisation was extremely important because it changed how I handled myself from there on out.

 

We went about 3 weeks NC - for the first 1-2 weeks, I was begging for him to come back, but he was firm on his decision. But soon after, I decided to work on myself instead - to try to be happy being alone. I will not lie, it was TERRIBLE. I would feel bouts of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks every morning waking up without him. It was difficult to get out of bed, and to live life normally. I tried to do the "go out with friends" thing, but I was always sad when I was out - because I would have much rather been home with him.

 

But I forced myself to try to find happiness despite all that had happened. I told myself that everyone I know who have gone through break ups have come out on the other side, alive and well. I took walks, kept journal logs and spent more time taking care of myself. I even created a morning routine of sitting down for a coffee by myself.

 

After around 3ish weeks after the BU, he contacted me but only about our housing situation. We had decided to continue living apart until we figured out what to do with the flat. I told him that in order for both of us to move on, I wouldn't want to live together anymore. Over the next week, he would text me every now and then with updates on his life. I replied in a friendly manner, showing him that I cared, but I never brought up our relationship. At this point, although I still wanted him back, I desperately wanted to try to be happy being alone.

 

A few days after, he asked to drop by to talk. It was casual at first, then he broke down and begged for me not to let go of the flat. He said that it meant a lot to him and that he still wanted to live life together until our tenancy expired. He said that he knew what he was giving up on, but he still had a feeling within him that he needed to be alone in order to know what he wanted for sure. This confused the hell out of me, because he wasn't asking to get back together - but just to live life together. I told him I would think about it, and eventually I caved (I don't like seeing people cry).

 

1 month+ after our BU, he moved back in, and we slept in separate rooms. We were unnaturally formal with each other in the beginning - with very minimal contact. But we eventually warmed up to each other, and because we generally share the same sense of humor and interests, it wasn't long before we spent more and more time together. After 2 weeks he started coming to sleep in my room every other night, and we got into our old routine again. But at this point, something had changed within me. I realised that I no longer needed him to feel happy - I was happy just being me! And this feeling wasn't borne out of spite or anger. In fact, I was happier than I ever was in a relationship. So while I allowed him to sleep in my room, I was no longer begging for him, or desperate to have him back.

 

It's been around 2.5 months since we BU, and things have pretty much returned to when we were together. He calls me "his baby" again and tells me that he wants me in his life in the long run. We've planned trips together and he hugs me to sleep every night, yada yada. I have steered clear of any talk of "getting back together" because I think it's too soon for that. I see this as a "let's live in this moment, and see where it brings us" state. We still love each other very much, and make it very clear to each other. On my part, I fear getting back together will end my journey towards being self-sufficient and drag me back into my clingy ways. I am not sure what he feels on his part, but eventually we will have "that conversation".

 

The point I am trying to make by this (extremely long) post is that life isn't always black & white. I used to think that "either you want me, or you don't". But where I am at, whether or not we get back together will be something I leave to fate. I will not spend my days devising plans to "get my ex back". Sometimes, you just have to accept the situation you're in, and instead of trying to reverse it, you should try to see how you can better yourself in the process to avoid it from happening again in the future.

 

People say break ups make you stronger. They really do. No matter how it pans out, if you take it as an opportunity to learn more about yourself, and to see the error in your ways, you come out so much stronger and might I say, happier. My view on the situation that I'm in is that, if I were to ever get back together with him and if I want it to last, I need to be sure that I can offer him a healthy relationship. That means respecting his space, not throwing unnecessary tantrums, and having a life of my own to live. And if we do not get back together, I know that my next relationship will be healthier and happier.

 

These days, he still looks nervous when he tells me that he intends to go out to party or to meet his friends, as though he's expecting me to blow up. But my response is usually a "Have fun!" or "Alright, see you later!" - and I sincerely mean it. That's how I know this break up was worthwhile. Because i no longer sit at home counting the hours until he gets back, feeling miserable. Instead, I study or watch tv shows (I love being at home too much to go out late at night). And when he comes home and tells me how much fun he had, it makes me think back to the times where I would force him to stay home with me, both of us miserable. I would never go back to a time like that. Had we not broken up, I would have never realised any of this.

 

So to any of you going through a break up, or a similar situation, try not to overthink things or spend too much time trying to reverse the situation. Instead, try to work on yourself. If you cannot be happy being just you, you will not be able to be happy sharing your life with someone else.

 

I'm happy to share more of my story with you guys, and share tips on how I managed to survive the immediate pain that ensued my BU.

 

Thank you for sharing your story, I do find it quite calming in a sense. I'm at the point where I'm learning to be happy with myself, to live on my own (in our flat, she moved out), and to do my own thing and it is quite liberating. I'm in a period of no contact, since we broke up we've had all manner of meet ups, with her admitting she still loves me and wanted to move back in but we both needed space (same story as yours, lived on top of each other for nearly two years, totally unhealthy).

 

I like your idea of leaving it up to fate rather than trying to force it, and I believe my relationship will probably go down the same path. I have to ask though, do you not worry that being together, but not officially, might lead to more heartbreak?

[Mikeyfreedom]

Your reply was thoughtful and inspiring. I have a question: did you and do you take all the blame for the breakup? It seems that many people gravitate towards one extreme or another: they are either all to blame, or not to blame at all. What role did she play, and did you discuss this as well? If you did discuss it, how in depth did you go?

 

 

Thanks

 

Well firstly thank you for the kind words.

 

 

I do not take sole blame for everything that happened, she has shouldered her part in it. We have talked openly about things. She is very sorry for her part.

 

 

What I do take responsibility for is, if I hadn't been the way I was, and treating her the way I was day to day, I truly believe the events that then took place wouldn't have. You make your own luck right? - this person was lingering in the background(snake) but was nothing at the time. But the worse I behaved the more it pushed it too happen and the more appealing it became. That's a fact. I have to live with that everyday. Its a tough pill to swallow some days, BUT I personally use it as a reminder now, that I can't slip back to how things were. And they never will. Ever. I deserved in a way what I got. I found it hard to forgive myself for some of things I did. It makes me shudder to think about it.

 

 

Over long periods of time in a relationship, it is easy to forget certain things that keep relationships going, appreciation of the other, doing the extra little things, respect for each other and their feelings, looking after yourself and not letting yourself go. and the real cruncher that nearly cost me everything...COMMUNICATION.....

 

 

Things are different now, if I feel bad one day, I say, if I feel good, I say. We talk. And we are open. If she pisses you off, say, if she makes you happy, say. Then you always know day to day what is going on. I can pretty much guess, most of LTR breakdowns begin because the link/connection and the communication ceases, then everything follows as a result. You can be so blind after years, that one party doesn't even notice the other is going through it. That happened in my situation.

 

 

The thing I have seen a lot on here, and I now understand fully is "how can she be with me for 7 years and then move on so quickly"... you feel dumbfounded at the time it can happen. The reality of that situation is, the person that does move on quickly has been unhappy for a long time and considered things over, but might not have said anything for months and months maybe even years in some cases. That is why it is "easy"... they have been going through it sometime, instead of the dumped having to deal with it suddenly in an afternoon. Plain and Simple.

 

 

I am no expert, all I can say is what I have learnt. I have found out more about myself and relationships and my place in them in the last 6 months than I have in the last 20 years!.

 

 

I will also say one more thing... there are no guarantees when getting back with an ex partner, who knows what the future will bring, but if you have learnt your lessons, and your partner is ready to admit their part in it honestly, that has to be the starting block. The past cannot be changed, you recognize it, recognize the problems, but then forgive, and try to leave it there. The only thing you can influence is today and tomorrow right. That is what needs to be focused on, even though its easier said than done some days. But if you feel that way - share it. But its also doing it the right way.

 

 

We refer now, that even we are back together, to our past relationship as exactly that. Its over. This is a new start, new relationship and we concentrate on our foundations, we consider firstly and foremost, that we are very lucky to still have each other, and we value that and cherish it highly. We tell each daily how lucky we are. We value each others feelings. And you can only go from there.... I want my relationship now to work more than anything in the world. It takes work, but do the right things and you can satisfy yourself that you are being true to yourself and your partner.

 

 

We now view it that, if we can survive this and what happened, we are now truly meant to be. Where there may have still been doubts before even if things had gone well. MASSIVE CHANGE of attitude towards the relationship for us both.

 

I am not taking it lightly when I say that this experience has totally changed my life. And I wake up every morning, valuing what I have and her as the amazing person she is. And she feels the same. She tells me every morning also.

 

Learn to love and value yourself, and your worth... respect yourself, look after yourself, because without that, NONE of the above would have happened. I hated myself before, I had no self worth and was angry with the world. But I changed my world, no one will do it for you. The rest just followed on from that. Begging and pleading will get you know where. Only pity and a even more rejection for yourself to deal with.

 

 

The hardest part for me was not reaching out to the person I loved so so much, we talked yeah, but don't push it. Keep it on friendly terms and just see what happens. Do not devalue yourself. Stand tall, be proud of your achievements, if it works out and that's what you want WONDERFULL. But if it doesn't, you know where you are in yourself.

 

SO - out of bad great things can come. Its HOW you deal with it. I was fortunate. I understand that. And it will never be forgotten going forward.

Edited March 16, 2016 by Mikeyfreedom

[Mikeyfreedom]

I feel very strongly about being on this board, because it been a journey for me, people said some really kind words when I was at my lowest and I had no where to turn. One more thought for those that are struggling.

 

 

A friend of mine said to me "its at the bottom of the valley that the fruit trees grow"

 

 

I took strength in that comment, as low as you think you can go... if you do the right things, the only way is upwards. Tiny step by tiny step. Remember that when you feel at your weakest. It served me well.

[duncsvoice]

I feel very strongly about being on this board, because it been a journey for me, people said some really kind words when I was at my lowest and I had no where to turn. One more thought for those that are struggling.

 

 

A friend of mine said to me "its at the bottom of the valley that the fruit trees grow"

 

 

I took strength in that comment, as low as you think you can go... if you do the right things, the only way is upwards. Tiny step by tiny step. Remember that when you feel at your weakest. It served me well.

 

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to post your experiences. They have helped me break through the "anger" of my break up, and help me to realise my part in it. Whilst not completely my fault, my actions (or lack of) certainly contributed to pushing my partner away.

 

A journey is what I've been calling it in order to cope, this break up being unlike anything I've experienced. My ex is calling me tonight after reaching out this week, your posts have made me feel quite calm about it, whereas before I would be panic stricken.

 

Thanks again.

[Mikeyfreedom]

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to post your experiences. They have helped me break through the "anger" of my break up, and help me to realise my part in it. Whilst not completely my fault, my actions (or lack of) certainly contributed to pushing my partner away.

 

A journey is what I've been calling it in order to cope, this break up being unlike anything I've experienced. My ex is calling me tonight after reaching out this week, your posts have made me feel quite calm about it, whereas before I would be panic stricken.

 

Thanks again.

 

Not a problem buddy. I hope everything goes well for you.

 

 

The major break through I made, was looking for everything else to blame, once I put myself right it became clear to me what a major part I had contributed to it. I was more at peace with myself after that, and once that was acknowledged it brought many things back together for me.

 

 

Be strong. Be yourself, and believe in yourself, and let the rest just happen.

 

 

Good luck!

[ShannonM10]

An inspiring story indeed. I am just curious how you got past the feeling of betrayal and the feelings of being "replaced" over night as I am experiencing this hurt right now. Also, how long were you guys apart before you reconnected? I am assuming she was with this other person for a little while and it ran its course before she came back to you?

[Mikeyfreedom]

An inspiring story indeed. I am just curious how you got past the feeling of betrayal and the feelings of being "replaced" over night as I am experiencing this hurt right now. Also, how long were you guys apart before you reconnected? I am assuming she was with this other person for a little while and it ran its course before she came back to you?

 

Hi Shannon

 

 

Time and understanding. It becomes easier.

 

 

Its placed, as I said what I came to realize is it wasn't "overnight" in my case, it felt like that at the time, but in my situation, my partner had been unhappy in the background for a long long time, I was just a ghost in the relationship.

 

 

When it starts to hurt me on occasions, I remember the things I was doing at the time and the things that were happening, that I was a driving force in. It became an option because of my behavior, my partner had the patience of a saint what I put her through for so long, and that is what I remember when I think of it. I think of my antics, and put myself on the receiving end of it, and think "who would want that in their lives??". The fact she put up with it so long, proves to me how deeply she loves me, that she can forgive me for that. That is why i can forgive her. Its mutual.

 

 

We were apart about 2 months. I didn't know this was going on, as I said I got myself into a good place again, for me and my future...soon as we met up again, that was it. It didn't run its course by all accounts, it was the fact i got myself together, and i was the one she truly wanted. This other person, was in the wrong place at the right time for his advantages and no doubt used it as such. Toad.

 

 

That is why now moving forward its in the open, she has forgiven me for my terrible behavior and it was, and I have for her part in it. That is all you can do. And be honest and open. Its really brought us together, and reconnected us. A shame it had to be that way. But we believe it is now meant to be between us as we have survived the worse thing that could have happened and we still love each other very much.

 

 

We now look forward and have started again, i read a lot about this stuff. And its make or break, we decided that its all or nothing now. Really commit, or it wouldn't work. I didn't commit fully in the previous relationship and that is what cost me the most amongst other things. Its different now. I am different now.

 

 

As i said i had accepted that i had lost her pretty much, and life is weird like that, when that happened and i faced up to it, everything reversed. But i didn't expect it even though i wanted like crazy at the time.

 

 

I can only say in your situation, is concentrate on yourself. I think once you master that and know in yourself you will be ok for you, can anything then change. If it does great, if not, you will be OK!...

[BatManuel]

Figured I'd share a "success" story here as I've been reading this forum now for the last two months and feel I should be contributing.

 

Met a girl back in 2008 when we were working on a presidential election campaign. I was fresh out of the Marines and living in an area of the country I had never been in before. I had never had a serious girlfriend or done the whole love thing. I didn't think much of this girl and had actually advised my boss NOT to hire her, but we needed the manpower and so I was overruled. One night I was working late and was kinda drunk and she jumped me at my desk. She had planned the whole thing for a bit. We had a talk right after about how we could never do that again and the agreement lasted until the next night when we did it again. From then on it was a pretty awesome campaign and I spent most nights at her house and the thrill of hiding the workplace romance was pretty exciting.

 

A few months later the campaign ends and I invite her to move home with me and then on to law school. We ended up long distance for six months before she and I moved to the city where I started school.

 

We had a great 2.5 years then we broke up because I didn't want kids and she did. We continued living together and doing all those things that couples do together for another 1.5 years. When I was getting ready to graduate we decided to become official again as the love was still there and I was coming around on the kids thing. Getting back together was a very sudden thing driven by us both realizing we'd be apart. We didn't do it right and things were suddenly weird when we were back together.

 

We spent six months doing the long distance thing again because I ended up joining the Air Force and had training and such. After really questioning the relationship during our time apart I felt like getting back together so suddenly was a mistake and I broke it off with her.

 

Took me about a month to realize my mistake and I did EVERYTHING wrong in trying to get her back. I sent her gifts, long emails, texts, flowers, a subscription to a pickle of the month club...the works. I eventually found out she had a boyfriend during this time, but I'm not sure if that would have mattered. Really wish that I had actually done my research on how breakups worked back then because I could have saved myself a lot of agony. I chased her for about two months until I met another girl in December 2012 and went NC on the EX. Didn't realize I had gone NC, I was just going to try it out with the new girl.

 

After two months of NC I'm buzzed at a club and text my EX on her birthday. She responds and after some texts I took the chance to say something like: "Since you never got back to me on reconciling I took that as a 'no', hope you're doing well." Not sure what I actually sent, but I was pretty much over her and onto the rebound girl at this point.

 

Exactly a month later she starts blowing up my phone about wanting me back. Pretty much the exact same stuff I had sent her. She's sending me stuff about our future together and all that jazz. If it had been two months earlier I would have taken her back instantly...but I was with the new GF watching Netflix and drinking an afternoon beer. I didn't want her to suffer like I did, so I shot her down as nicely as I could that day. She didn't contact me for another two months until a natural disaster hit my city, but we had been pretty good friends since then.

 

Ironically the girl I started dating in 2012 dumped me over text right before our three year anniversary/when I was going to propose because she didn't want kids/was dating a supervisor. We'd been long distance for the last year of the relationship because I've been in Korea.

 

Moral of the Story: They might come back, and if they do it'll probably be when you're over them and it will probably be BECAUSE you're over them.

 

TL/DR: Four year relationship ended when I dumped her (GIGS/dumbass). I came back after a month, but she wasn't having it and I chased for two months because I'm dumb. Three months later she's chasing me, but I'd moved on.

Edited March 20, 2016 by BatManuel

[bluefeather]

I like this thread. a lot of insightful posts.