Some questions for the Walk Away Spouses out there

[ProdigalMe]

I have some questions for all of the walk-away spouses out there. By walk-away, I mean those spouses who left a low-conflict marriage (i.e. there was no infidelity, physical beating, drug abuse, high-debt gambling, etc.). In other words an "ok" marriage, but not exactly a thrilling one.

 

 

First some background on me. Married 9 years. No kids. She's 35, I'm 45. She wants a divorce. She loves me, but is no longer in love with me. Says we're room-mates with nothing in common, that I'm emotionally distant, that we lack intimacy, that she feels alone all the time, that we have infrequent sex, that we never do things together. She's complained about these things repeatedly and has mentioned separation/divorce many times in the last 9 years. I would make changes, but they were never permanent. She's filed for legal separation, and we plan to be divorced by next year. I don't want the divorce, but she does. She's taken off her wedding ring, and taken down all her pictures of me that she had posted in her office. There's no "big" problems in our marriage (no cheating, no drugs, no violence), but we've been less than stellar the past 3 years. She says the divorce will be difficult because she will lose her best friend, but she is ready to walk. We took a vacation recently and she admitted that during the vacation, she felt nothing towards me (i.e. no romantic feelings, no spark).

 

So, to you spouse who walked away from a low-conflict marriage, once you announced it was over, was there anything your Ex could have said/done to change your mind? I'm at a loss as to what to do now. Should I "fight" for my marriage (whatever that means)? Or should I simply accept her decision and exit gracefully?

 

Also, for you spouses who walked away because you were tired of being your Ex's room-mate, was there any possibility of regaining the spark between you and your Ex? If so, how?

 

Finally, is your Ex or STBX a silent type who has difficulty expressing emotion? What do you do? Is that a dealbreaker? Or is there a way to accept that difference and embrace it as part of the relationship?

[Dr Paws]

I walked away. I was 42, ex H was 41. We'd had much the same problems as you have had, over the course of our 10 year marriage (we were together for 5 years before that).

 

A major difference is that my ex H made no effort to change anything. He just didn't care enough...I believe now that he honestly thought I was just venting, that I wouldn't actually leave. Our sex life suited him, and sex was over when he had an orgasm. He didn't care if I got any pleasure from it...it wasn't 'his problem'. We were just 'room mates who occasionally have sex'

 

Personally, for me once the 'spark' is gone, it's gone for good. At the end I didn't have a single romantic feeling towards my ex H. I was sorry to leave him, because he was (and still is) good company, but I felt I was too young to give up on having a fulfilling sex life. Or even any sort of sex life. There's nothing he could have done to change my mind. I'm still relieved 5 years on that he didn't try.

 

I would accept your wife's decision. I'm sure she's not done this on a whim.

Edited November 10, 2015 by Dr Paws

[ProdigalMe]

Dr Paws - thank you for your thoughtful reply.

[notbroken]

I know from some hard experience, that most women are 'done when they are done'. Why would you want to be with someone that isn't excited about you and has 'no spark'? Life is short. You will wake up some day in the future and be glad you are with someone that wants you. It is hard (quite the understatement), but don't waste your life pining for someone who doesn't. Life will get better. You will be quite thankful for her being honest and moving on at some point in the future.

[baffin]

wow! what a dilemma. You know, love isn't a feeling it's a choice. We can decide to love our spouse or NOT. Do you think she would be willing to try marriage counseling?

[ProdigalMe]

I was sorry to leave him, because he was (and still is) good company, but I felt I was too young to give up on having a fulfilling sex life. Or even any sort of sex life. There's nothing he could have done to change my mind. I'm still relieved 5 years on that he didn't try.

 

Dr Paws, why were you relieved that he didn't try to change your mind? Would it have caused too much turmoil? Were you already exhausted at that point?

[ProdigalMe]

She says she's done. She's exhausted. We've had the same discussion over and over again about her issues with me. At this point she doesn't care to save anything because she feels she gave it her all. She says she would just like to exit now and find the husband she deserves.

 

My attitude is just like yours. Love is something you choose, not a feeling that you hope comes over you and sustains you. But others have a different viewpoint. It's kind of like the chicken and the egg question. Which came first? The chicken or the egg? Which came first? The feeling of being in love, or the decision to love?

 

My viewpoint (and baffin, maybe you share it) is that a decision to love (the commitment) sustains the feeling of being in love (the spark, the romantic connection). The feeling of being in love ebbs and flows. You don't feel love towards your spouse 24/7, 365. There's probably some days where you feel an intense dislike towards your spouse. But if the commitment is unwavering (if the decision to love is there), the feelings of love always return. Always. The spark always comes back.

 

But if your viewpoint is that commitment is based on feelings, then I think that is problematic. If you're extremely committed one year because your feelings of love are blossoming, that can be beautiful. But if, in the next year, your commitment crumbles because your feelings of being in love aren't there, then it can feel like you're trapped and wonder why you got married.

 

There's probably very few long term marriages (those marriages of 5+ years) in which a spouse looks up at the work clock every single day of the year and thinks, "I can't wait to get home to see my spouse because I'm so in love with him/her." There are rare exceptions, of course, but for the vast majority of us, this kind of constant romantic feeling isn't there. Does that mean the spark is gone, and the marriage should now end? I don't know.

 

So I pose the chicken and the egg question to all the walk-away spouses out there. What is love in a marriage? Is it a spark/feeling? Is it a decision? Which comes first? Does one depend on the other? Does it even matter?

[MeAgain]

I'm a walk away spouse, currently in the process. Like you, I believe you choose to love someone daily, even when it sucks.

 

I no longer choose to love him because the reward is not there. I've chosen daily for so long, only to be met with stonewalling, etc. In all honesty, it's now easier to choose something else.

 

I get the "I'm exhausted" comment. I too am exhausted at trying to fight for something when the other person is not meeting me half way. The sad part often is when the spouse that is being left finally realizes that this is the end, they panic and want another chance. By the time the person is walking away, 1,000 chances were already given.

 

IMO, first it's lust, then like, then passionate (eros) love, then the conscious choosing to love that person every day (agape). There has to be reward for both parties otherwise it becomes dysfunctional as resentment kicks in. Personally, I think the most important thing in a relationship is mutual respect.

[MightyPen]

IMO, first it's lust, then like, then passionate (eros) love, then the conscious choosing to love that person every day (agape). There has to be reward for both parties otherwise it becomes dysfunctional as resentment kicks in. Personally, I think the most important thing in a relationship is mutual respect.

 

 

I liked the above very much.

[LimeBlue]

I am living this right now. There is nothing openly wrong in my marriage (together 18 years), no debt, no violence, no abuse, no major problems. We just trundle along day after day, living separate lives.

 

There is no connection, no emotion, my H keeps his head in the sand, he knows that my 'friend' gives me the connection that he cannot provide, and also there is no sex. The last time we had sex he fell asleep half way through before penetration. Is this the type of marriage I want for life? No, it certainly is not.

 

He cannot engage with me, and engagement is something I need and want. He is the silent type, and it is becoming a major deal breaker. We have been to therapy, I have asked for a divorce in the past and he fought to keep me. Next time I ask for a divorce there will be no fight, because I still wish I had left the first time.

 

It takes two and I am aware that I could improve myself too, but we have "been there, done that" more than once, yet nothing ever changes.

 

I am ready for the change. I think. I still doubt myself as I have been conditioned to dislike change. But the pain of living like this forever is enough to kill me alone. I have never felt so lonely in all my life.

[LimeBlue]

I no longer choose to love him because the reward is not there. I've chosen daily for so long, only to be met with stonewalling, etc. In all honesty, it's now easier to choose something else.

 

I get the "I'm exhausted" comment. I too am exhausted at trying to fight for something when the other person is not meeting me half way. The sad part often is when the spouse that is being left finally realizes that this is the end, they panic and want another chance. By the time the person is walking away, 1,000 chances were already given.

 

Wow, you have put into words that which I could not. This is EXACTLY how I feel about my marriage.

[2.50 a gallon]

The simple truth is that what you get down to the nuts and bolts of human behavior, falling in love and love itself it nothing more than a chemical reaction. You meet, there is an attraction, meaning something about the other person gets your body to begin what is known as love chemicals. You date, more love chemicals, and the attraction grows, until it reaches a super high, perhaps after your first sex and your body floods your brain floods your brain with oxytocin, a love chemical, and are in a drug high called infatuation you have fallen in love.

 

Although you cannot live with your head in the clouds, and eventually the effects of the love chemicals wear off. The trick is to keep those love chemicals flowing for life. Good sex, good times, taking her to a romance movie, some good laughs, every time you make her laugh, her body produces more oxytocin, talking, doing things together, some adventures all keep you bodies producing the love chemicals.

 

The problem is when one spouse does not put an effort into keeping love alive, such as spending too much time playing games on the computer, or too many weekends golfing and life turns boring. You no longer excite her.

They try and try to tell you what is wrong, we promise and make a few changes, and then go back to our old ways of taking them for granted.

 

We are their best friend, so they give us chance after chance.

But one day they realize that the battery had run dry. And once the battery runs dry it is very hard to recharge it. They now see you as boring and Been there and done that.

Edited November 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[beatcuff]

...She wants a divorce. She loves me, but is no longer in love with me. Says we're room-mates with nothing in common, that I'm emotionally distant, that we lack intimacy, that she feels alone all the time, that we have infrequent sex, that we never do things together. She's complained about these things repeatedly ...

 

and

 

She says she's done. She's exhausted. We've had the same discussion over and over again about her issues with me. At this point she doesn't care to save anything because she feels she gave it her all. She says she would just like to exit now and find the husband she deserves.

 

My attitude is just like yours. Love is something you choose, not a feeling that you hope comes over you and sustains you. ...

 

she is looking for passion you are giving her logic.

[ProdigalMe]

LimeBlue, I'm sorry you're going through this. The same loneliness that you feel is crushing you is the same loneliness that my wife complains about to me. I'm out of chances now. I suspect your husband is too.

 

It truly is unfortunate. I wish I had done more. I'm sure you wish your husband had too.

[ProdigalMe]

2.50 a gallon, wisely put. Thank you.

[ProdigalMe]

beatcuff, I agree, to an extent. We started off passionately enough. Don't most married couples start that way? But something got lost along the way. As 2.50 a gallon basically said, one spouse loses sight of what's important, then this awful downward spiral starts. How to arrest the spiral? That's the mystery of a relationship. Sometimes, intervention occurs right on time and the relationship is saved. Other times (most times?) the intervention comes too late, and all that's left is the burnt out wreckage.

[baffin]

Most likely the spark comes first in today's marriages; but it didn't always. When marriages were arranged by parents (in the dark ages) the decision to love probably came first. But does it really matter? We make the choice to love our spouses everyday in the choices we make, in how we treat them, in how we respect their choices. if she really wants to leave, there really isn't anything you can do about it, except show her that if she changes her mind about counseling that you'd be more than willing to whatever it takes to make your marriage work.

[hl1962]

Same here. Married 24 years. Both kids are in college now. Seldom spend time together. He doesn't celebrate anything, bdays, anniversaries... Time to move on. I asked for a divorce last year. He didn't think I was serious. Now he is fighting every ounce to stay together (more for the kids). Really?!

 

If yours complained you don't do things together, that's a choice that you are not interested in being with her. Life is too short, world is too wide, be with someone you want to spend time with.

[beatcuff]

I agree, to an extent. We started off passionately enough... How to arrest the spiral? That's the mystery of a relationship...

 

it appears by the last couple of posts you are not alone. addressing all and trying my best not to be crass but ---

 

this is NOT a walk away situation: in which you come home to empty house and maybe a letter or are handed divorce papers without notice. you stated she told you numerous times exactly what she wanted, to the point she became exhausted. seriously what more could she have done? BTW kudos to her, too many times persons come on this board wondering 'what happened' or refuse to clearly state their needs to their partner.

 

you are asking what is 'wrong' with her. it should be where did i go wrong/what could i have done better. then, what will i learn from this situation: you either need to make your next relationship more of a priority in your life OR find a companion that has the same outlook.

 

good luck.

[2.50 a gallon]

Prodigal

First thing you can not nice her back

Within a year you are once again going to be a free man. What ever you were doing in the past is not working. Perhaps it is time to begin to invent the new and more exciting you.

Exercise, get back into shape

Buy a motorcycle

Can you cook? When my Ex and I broke up, I was a decent cook. Once I was alone again, I had to find things to distract my mind from her and what she was doing. One of the things I did was to pick up a recipe book, half price at Goodwill, and began to teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals. This was a triple winner. They took longer to fix, more time not thinking of her, I ended up with a fantastic meal, and when I got back into the dating world proved to be a great hit. They say the way to a man's heart is through is stomach. I am here to say it is the same thing with women.

The holidays are on the way. If you are a bah humbug guy, change your ways. When I first moved out on my own, one of the first things I learned was that women like a man who likes to celebrate Christmas. Even though I was an apartment dweller, found a way to decorate for Christmas. Hanging some colored lights in the window, was like a neon sign saying a man who enjoys the holidays lives here. I cheated and used 180 proof rum in my grogs and eggnog. They did not seem to mind, especially when I made them crepes for breakfast

Change your ways, become a more interesting and exciting man, do it for yourself and somehow she will find out, and realize maybe I missed out on something.

Edited November 13, 2015 by 2.50 a gallon

[ProdigalMe]

Change your ways, become a more interesting and exciting man, do it for yourself and somehow she will find out, and realize maybe I missed out on something.

 

Lovely advice! Thank you.

 

BTW, I was always a decent cook (don't need to measure, improvise on the fly, dishes still turned out pretty good). Maybe I can really step it up now.

 

Also, did the whole motorcycle thing before. Maybe I'll take that up again.

 

As for Christmas, yeah I was a bah humbug once. I'm a tepid celebrator now. Maybe it's time to step that up too.

[ProdigalMe]

"this is NOT a walk away situation..."

 

Depends on our definitions. I've seen a definition for walk away wife/husband as a situation where one spouse leaves a "low-conflict" marriage (a marriage where there is no cheating, no drug abuse, no criminal activity, no physical violence, no insolvent gambling or other tumultuous addictions). The spouse leaves (walks away) because the marriage is no longer intimate/fulfilling (not because s/he's being beaten or otherwise endangered).

 

What you're describing is a "Dear John" situation in which husband or wife comes home one day, finds the house empty (or emptier), and finds a letter stating, "it's over, I'm leaving you, goodbye." The "Dear John" spouse is a subset of the walk-away spouse. So, my wife is a walk-away spouse, but not a "Dear John" spouse.

 

"you are asking what is 'wrong' with her."

 

My viewpoint is simply different from hers. I don't think she's wrong, just different. I even said in one of my posts, "I wish I had done more." In other words, I imply in my statement the question, "what is wrong with me?"

Edited November 13, 2015 by ProdigalMe

[Majormisstep]

PM your post should be in the front pages of a pre-marital handbook.

 

My M ended for the same reason...I talked, begged and pleaded for years that we be on the same page as husband and wife and parents to our kids. His answer always was if I couldn't accept him for who he was then I was welcome to leave. Cool. So I started doing my own hobbies and activities that involved the kids. It wasn't until years later that he noticed the Grand Canyon sized gap in our marriage. THEN he tried to engage. Too late. I was done.

 

After our separation I went through a difficult time of steady bargaining (with myself) that we could hopefully get back together at whatever cost. But now? No.

 

If she is done you have to pick up the pieces and move on. There is nowhere else to go. I did and am doing ok...

[ProdigalMe]

Majormisstep

 

I'm sorry for how your marriage turned out. My marriage is challenging, but I can't imagine having the challenge of parenting thrown into the mix.

 

It's such a power struggle isn't? You make your desires known. Husband shrugs it off. The Grand Canyon develops. You walk away. He becomes desperate. But it's too late. I read a column in which a therapist stated that the moment a spouse walks away (and the other spouse vows to change) is a real, tragic moment. Because the walk-away spouse is exhausted and done and thinks the other spouse will never change, and the other spouse is actually (more often than not) on the brink of genuine, lasting change.

 

I'm glad you were able to pick up the pieces and that you're doing ok.

Edited November 13, 2015 by ProdigalMe

[chew123]

Guys,

 

I have to say I think you are giving many waw's too much credit. I know every situation is different, but my WAW never communicated things were bothering her. Our marriage was far from perfect. All marriages have issues particularly after being together in excess of 30 years. .

 

My way to deal with things that bothered me was to bring them up. Her way was to write them in her journal(which I did not know about). I am not now nor will I ever be a mind reader.

 

About 6 months before my son went to college my wife shut me out. I suggested counseling as we had gone about 25 years earlier when we had some issues. She said no. I gave her some space as she asked. She still would not discuss what was bothering her.

 

Right after my son left, DDAY for me. Leaving me for another man she supposedly met 2 months ago. Yeah right.

 

As an additional datapoint approx. 3 years prior to DDAY we were on a vacation with mutual friends and she confided to my bestfriend how happy she was with her life and that I was the best thing that could have happened to her. I still have no idea what changed, other then her meeting the other man.

 

While I accept some culpability for my marriage ending, in my case my WAW kept the issues to herself til she met a new man. Then made her move. Her lack of communication skills and integrity were the biggest contributor to the death of our marriage. Also my inability to mindread.

 

I do agree with the majority of posters here though. Once they are WAW, they keep walking. In my case I am beginning to realize it is probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I hope it turns out that way for you also.

 

Major,

 

I really wish my ex had made her feelings known. Even if we could not have stayed together it would have made things a lot easier on both of us. I commend you for communicating your unhappiness and at least giving him a chance to make some changes.