Inconsiderate girlfriend

[SpiralOut]

Has she suggested anything that may help? I mean besides handing you earplugs.... i agree that she sounds flippant about the whole thing.

 

Why is she so stressed out? It shouldn't be that hard to get ready in the morning unless she is leaving everything until the last minute, which is something she can easily change.

[sandylee1]

Funny enough my husband used to do thi. Wake up...put the radio on...light on bright.....open the blinds....and I said to him one day.."do you notice how quiet and considerate I am in the morning when you're still in bed?"

 

He reduced the noise level..but he's just generally more noisy than me in the mornings. I've jokingly said I'll withold one of his favourite things if he continues....that usually does the trick.

 

He couldn't really respond to that as it was true ....my sister says the same about her husband. He wakes up early and I think he deliberately wants her up. He'll say..at least you don't have to get out of bed.

 

ETA

Is there another bedroom you can go and sleep in? So you don't hear her noise.

I also reckon because it's HER PLACE ....she feels justified.

Edited November 16, 2015 by sandylee1
eta

[joseb]

OP, did you get a chance to chat with her again?

 

If nothing else, wearing heels in the bedroom is just ridiculous - I think she has to be doing that deliberately. I don't even wear flat shoes into my bedroom, and I live alone and am on the ground floor!

I've never lived with anyone that wore heels around the house.

[Marc878]

Get some earplugs if she's a keeper

[schiller]

OP, did you get a chance to chat with her again?

 

If nothing else, wearing heels in the bedroom is just ridiculous - I think she has to be doing that deliberately. I don't even wear flat shoes into my bedroom, and I live alone and am on the ground floor!

I've never lived with anyone that wore heels around the house.

 

She puts her heels on when she goes downstairs, when she walks on the tile kitchen floor it reverberates through the house.

 

She agreed not to put the heels on until she's ready to walk out the door. She's been somewhat better lately but this morning she woke me up to give me a kiss since she won't see me until tonite.. I was like "really?". She gave me a smile and said "since you're up anyway you can do your exercises."

 

Why is she so stressed out? It shouldn't be that hard to get ready in the morning unless she is leaving everything until the last minute, which is something she can easily change.

 

She has high anxiety. She was laid off from another job a year ago so she's constantly trying to overachieve. She does fine, and she's well liked by her coworkers and superiors and the team who works for her but she's never satisfied with her own level of performance.

 

Is there another bedroom you can go and sleep in? So you don't hear her noise.

I also reckon because it's HER PLACE ....she feels justified.

 

I suppose I could sleep in another bedroom, but that's somewhat extreme.

 

She tries not to act like it's her place, she wants me to feel as welcome as possible. But hey you never know. Maybe she does resent being limited and having to be quiet.

Edited November 17, 2015 by schiller

[SpiralOut]

 

She agreed not to put the heels on until she's ready to walk out the door. She's been somewhat better lately but this morning she woke me up to give me a kiss since she won't see me until tonite.. I was like "really?". She gave me a smile and said "since you're up anyway you can do your exercises."

 

That doesn't even make any sense. Is she the passive-aggressive type? Because her behaviour screams passive-aggressiveness.

 

I would confront her directly and ask her why she is acting that way.

[katiegrl]

Actually, my fiance and I have separate rooms, for this and other reasons (his snoring!)

 

It actually works for us, he often sneaks into mine in the middle of the night ..and vice versa....keeps things fresh and fun! Works for us anyway.

 

But then again we both like our space (more so than most couples) but if I were forced to sleep (or try to sleep) with him evey night in the same room, I would be a walking zombie!

 

He snores heavily, plus wakes at 5:00 every morn for work, while I can sleep until 7:00.

 

OP, perhaps if you suggest your doing that (sleeping in other room).... that might be the motivator she needs to start being more considerate!

 

Frankly, not sure what would piss me off more. The fact I am not able to sleep ..OR that my partner was so damn inconsiderate!

 

IMO, it's unacceptable and I would have NO hesitation in telling him that!

 

Everyone is anxious for heaven's sake, that is NO excuse for being inconsiderate of your partner's feelings and overall well being!

Edited November 21, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gloria25]

Actually, my fiance and I have separate rooms, for this and other reasons (his snoring!)

 

It actually works for us, he often sneaks into mine in the middle of the night ..and vice versa....keeps things fresh and fun! Works for us anyway.

 

Ok, while I've never shacked up and yes have had "sleepovers" where cuz I'm not used to sleeping with a man, it does get difficult for me to sleep - if I was in a LTR I would not tolerate sleeping in separate beds...I'm not his "roommate".

 

We'd have to figure out what to do about snoring and learn to move around "smartly" around each other. I mean I'd prefer we sleep in the same bed and whomever gets up early first would simply move to the empty room to use that bathroom and get ready to go.

 

Snoring? I've heard it depends on your weight, whether or not you cleaned out your nostrils/systems before bedtime and/or how you sleep (i.e. sleeping on your back instead of side). So, why not work on the snoring instead of sleeping in other bedrooms?

[katiegrl]

Ok, while I've never shacked up and yes have had "sleepovers" where cuz I'm not used to sleeping with a man, it does get difficult for me to sleep - if I was in a LTR I would not tolerate sleeping in separate beds...I'm not his "roommate".

 

We'd have to figure out what to do about snoring and learn to move around "smartly" around each other. I mean I'd prefer we sleep in the same bed and whomever gets up early first would simply move to the empty room to use that bathroom and get ready to go.

 

Snoring? I've heard it depends on your weight, whether or not you cleaned out your nostrils/systems before bedtime and/or how you sleep (i.e. sleeping on your back instead of side).

 

**So, why not work on the snoring instead of sleeping in other bedrooms?

 

Well, like I said, we both like our separate space and it works for us. We are rather unconventional with respect to that.

 

That said though, when he sneaks into mine or vice versa, we end up cuddling, having sex and falling asleep in each other's arms anyway.

 

So it's all good! :love:

 

However, when he starts snoring, I either go back to mine, or I wake him up and he goes back to his... he has bad sinuses which he has been trying to resolve for years....it's better but sometimes the snoring still gets bad. Ugh.

 

I am glad our place is big enough where I have that option!

 

We do many things that other couples would not understand ....won't go into them now as I don't want to hijack.... only to say it all works for "us* ... we are very happy, and it keeps our RL fresh and exciting (as opposed to dull and mundane) as many long term relationships tend to be.

Edited November 22, 2015 by katiegrl

[Els]

She agreed not to put the heels on until she's ready to walk out the door. She's been somewhat better lately but this morning she woke me up to give me a kiss since she won't see me until tonite.. I was like "really?". She gave me a smile and said "since you're up anyway you can do your exercises."

 

Dafug?? I really don't understand her reasoning for this. I could understand if it was a once-in-the-blue-moon thing like she was going to the airport and would be away from home for weeks... but waking you up on a regular day just for the heck of it? Sounds to me more and more like she just WANTS to wake you up for whatever reason.

 

 

I suppose I could sleep in another bedroom, but that's somewhat extreme.

 

I'm all for couples who choose to sleep separately if it works for them, especially if snoring etc is an issue.

 

But I don't see the point in your case. Why can't you move the dressers and her wardrobe etc to the spare room???

[Rejected Rosebud]

Basically you have 3 choices:

 

Suffer

 

Break up

 

Sound blocking ear phones (the exist)

 

If she is awesome in EVERY way but this I can't jump to calling her an inconsiderate person. I don't get the whole scenario but one thing I do know is that all you can do towards changing somebody else's behavior is to communicate with them and if that doesn't work you can either accept it, change your own behavior to make it better for yourself (ear phones or plugs) or move on.

[Wewon]

Dafug?? I really don't understand her reasoning for this. I could understand if it was a once-in-the-blue-moon thing like she was going to the airport and would be away from home for weeks... but waking you up on a regular day just for the heck of it? Sounds to me more and more like she just WANTS to wake you up for whatever reason.

 

I agree.

 

And this has been my point from page 1.

 

It stopped being about 'sleep' and 'preparing for work' once you fully expressed that it was bothering you, double that when she demonstrated that she could control the behavior for a few days.

 

Now its her demonstrating a blatant disrespect for your and it has to be addressed at the root.

 

Yes, you can get headphones, put in ear plugs, hold a pillow over your head, to stop the noise. Those are all awesome ways to accommodate someone that is showing you that you're not worth the effort of trying to correct a behavior.

[katiegrl]

I agree.

 

And this has been my point from page 1.

 

It stopped being about 'sleep' and 'preparing for work' once you fully expressed that it was bothering you, double that when she demonstrated that she could control the behavior for a few days.

 

Now its her demonstrating a blatant disrespect for your and it has to be addressed at the root.

 

Yes, you can get headphones, put in ear plugs, hold a pillow over your head, to stop the noise. Those are all awesome ways to accommodate someone that is showing you that you're not worth the effort of trying to correct a behavior.

 

^^^^^This!!!

 

Perhaps she is *jealous* (albeit subconsciously?) of you for being able to sleep later, and so she sabotages your ability to do so.

 

Jealousy has no place in a healthy relationship.....

 

In any event, agree with above and personally I would never tolerate such inconsideration ..which IS the real issue here.

[anduina]

It's also not every morning. Maybe it's 2 mornings per week, usually if she's stressing. This morning she couldn't find important papers so she was flinging open cabinets even asking me if I had seen them while I was laying there asleep. It's an anxiety thing.

She wants you to wake up so you'll be there to comfort her when she's stressing out.

 

I'm usually in the midst of a dream when she wakes me up.

 

Same thing happens on occasion with her snoring, which isn't her fault, well maybe it is because she has the sleep apnea machine but she rarely uses it even though it works great. Maybe it's because when she wears it I tell her she looks like a jet pilot and I talk to her like I'm the control tower. "10-4 Alpha Keelo Bravo you are cleared for sleep!"

You're both inconsiderate with each other. That's rude to insult her like that over something that she should be using since it improves her quality of sleep too.

[preraph]

She puts her heels on when she goes downstairs, when she walks on the tile kitchen floor it reverberates through the house.

 

She agreed not to put the heels on until she's ready to walk out the door. She's been somewhat better lately but this morning she woke me up to give me a kiss since she won't see me until tonite.. I was like "really?". She gave me a smile and said "since you're up anyway you can do your exercises."

 

 

 

She has high anxiety. She was laid off from another job a year ago so she's constantly trying to overachieve. She does fine, and she's well liked by her coworkers and superiors and the team who works for her but she's never satisfied with her own level of performance.

 

 

 

I suppose I could sleep in another bedroom, but that's somewhat extreme.

 

She tries not to act like it's her place, she wants me to feel as welcome as possible. But hey you never know. Maybe she does resent being limited and having to be quiet.

 

She doesn't give a rat's you know what whether you like it or not, so I think at this point we can conclude she is a bit narcissistic or spoiled rotten or something. But waking you up to give you a kiss so you'll go exercise -- really not okay after you've talked to her about this. And moving bedrooms isn't going to slow her down one bit. Moving out is what I would recommend unless you want a life of being bullied into doing whatever she wants in a passive-aggressive manner.

[Rejected Rosebud]

She doesn't give a rat's you know what whether you like it or not, so I think at this point we can conclude she is a bit narcissistic or spoiled rotten or something.

But he SAID she is awesome and their relationship is GREAT in EVERY OTHER WAY!!! If she were a narcissist or a spoiled wretch I am sure it would manifest in plenty of ways in a relationship not just this one!!! I admit I can't wrap my mind around at least not being able to leave her shoes off ... but on the other hand, how many of you who are in a relationship have some peeve about your mate that they could change but they just never do ... habits are HARD to change for most of us.

[Wewon]

But he SAID she is awesome and their relationship is GREAT in EVERY OTHER WAY!!! If she were a narcissist or a spoiled wretch I am sure it would manifest in plenty of ways in a relationship not just this one!!! I admit I can't wrap my mind around at least not being able to leave her shoes off ... but on the other hand, how many of you who are in a relationship have some peeve about your mate that they could change but they just never do ... habits are HARD to change for most of us.

 

I'd reframe the question this way, If your partner told you that something you were doing was hurting them would you address it or simply shrug your shoulders?

 

I think that in healthy relationships we pick our battles, leave things alone that don't actually harm us (SO singing off-key to the radio) and address issues that actually have impact, like having sleep disrupted.

 

Her actions are measured willful, they aren't mindless habits that he want's her to change simply to accommodate his quirks.

 

He's expressed his needs and she ignores them, so this isn't a sleep issue or simply her getting ready. This is more likely stemming from some resentment that she doesn't want to address full on (maybe having to say, "I don't like to see you sleeping when I'm stressed" sounds petty when expressed out loud). Stuffing cotton in his ears, holding a pillow over his head of wearing ear plugs won't get to the problem at its source.

[sly_fly1]

You need some ear plugs. Problem solved