Inconsiderate girlfriend

[Gloria25]

It doesn't sound childish. It IS childish. Won't go there. Although when she snores, I will occasionally nudge her with my body or gently squeeze her nose with my fingers but that's really another unrelated matter which she really can't control.

 

 

 

I've tried the serious conversation- no effect other than she's more apologetic when I bring it up later in the day.

 

We aren't living together to save $, and moving out is a bit extreme for that one issue.

 

Ok, don't people argue that shacking up is to "test" the RL to see if you're compatible or something?

 

Ok, so far you discovered that she's rude and inconsiderate. But still you wanna continue with the RL and shack up?

 

Yep, studies show that shacking up makes people stay in bad situations cuz the financial comingling and false sense of a commitment/intimacy a shack up creates. Cuz while the OP says he's not shacking up for financial reasons, he admits he's on her health insurance and is making up excuses for her rudeness and inconsideration.

 

Ok, while some may think her inconsideration is gonna be limited to this little scenario, trust me, it will show up eventually in other times/aspects in this RL...

 

We date people to get to know them and find out if we're a match (unless you're just looking for companionship). She's showing you who she is, are you gonna keep on excusing it or call this RL to an end? I betcha you'd break up easier if weren't under the same roof and/or not on her insurance.....

[Gloria25]

Well it's not THAT bad as far as the drugs go. She manages a department at work and things are rather hectic so I sort of get it.

 

Hopefully things will settle down and she'll be less stressed and we can get back to normal.

 

I guess time will tell.

 

It's also not every morning. Maybe it's 2 mornings per week, usually if she's stressing. This morning she couldn't find important papers so she was flinging open cabinets even asking me if I had seen them while I was laying there asleep. It's an anxiety thing.

 

IMO, people like to blame an illness/condition to excuse away bad behavior. So, blame "anxiety", right?

 

I had to do some work in a relative's room the other day but she's been stressed, crying (her aunt died) and it was stressful as heck me changing "my" routine cuz I needed to get in her room while she slept. I let her sleep....and mind you, I myself am going through some hell myself, but that doesn't give me the right to demand that people put up with my "anxiety", "stress" or whatever...One slip in the heat of the moment, excused...but from what you say, she does this on the regular.

[schiller]

I betcha you'd break up easier if weren't under the same roof and/or not on her insurance.....

 

Did I mention there's no copays for well visits?

[xxoo]

Can you fall back asleep after she leaves?

 

This could be one of those things you just accept. I hear my H and oldest kid every morning, and I'm just grateful that they are there and healthy and making noise on their way to work and school. I fall back asleep.

[Gloria25]

Can you fall back asleep after she leaves?

 

This could be one of those things you just accept. I hear my H and oldest kid every morning, and I'm just grateful that they are there and healthy and making noise on their way to work and school. I fall back asleep.

 

Interrupted sleep is not considered "resting" you know?

 

Studies show that after we go to sleep the measurement of rapid eye movement (REM) determines whether or not we fell into actual "sleep". So, if you reach that point in your sleep and it's interrupted, you're not "resting"

[schiller]

Can you fall back asleep after she leaves?

 

Not usually.

 

This could be one of those things you just accept.

 

Yeah I guess. I suppose it's better that she's in a high pressure high paying job (better part of 200k) than working in Mcdonalds and not stressing her job.

 

She just called to check in and see when I'll be home, she mentioned that she didn't get a discount on her homeowners insurance even though we just converted to gas and abandoned the inground oil tank which was adding $500 a year to the insurance costs and she wants me to look into calling a few insurance companies because she doesn't have the free time that I do.

 

I said sure, as long as you agree to stop waking me up in the morning.

 

She said "cmon the last time (prior to this morning) was last week" (Thursday) when she was stressing a big project that was due that day and she woke me up by kissing me because it comforts her, and this morning she was having a panic attack over the misplaced paperwork.

 

Maybe I'm being unreasonable.

 

She used to kiss me on the eye which I freaking hate because it feels really weird, at least she doesn't do that anymore.

[schiller]

Interrupted sleep is not considered "resting" you know?

 

Studies show that after we go to sleep the measurement of rapid eye movement (REM) determines whether or not we fell into actual "sleep". So, if you reach that point in your sleep and it's interrupted, you're not "resting"

 

I'm usually in the midst of a dream when she wakes me up.

 

Same thing happens on occasion with her snoring, which isn't her fault, well maybe it is because she has the sleep apnea machine but she rarely uses it even though it works great. Maybe it's because when she wears it I tell her she looks like a jet pilot and I talk to her like I'm the control tower. "10-4 Alpha Keelo Bravo you are cleared for sleep!"

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm usually in the midst of a dream when she wakes me up.

 

Same thing happens on occasion with her snoring, which isn't her fault, well maybe it is because she has the sleep apnea machine but she rarely uses it even though it works great. Maybe it's because when she wears it I tell her she looks like a jet pilot and I talk to her like I'm the control tower. "10-4 Alpha Keelo Bravo you are cleared for sleep!"

 

That's funny.

[Wewon]

You've tried talking, she's listened and ignored you.

 

She's fully aware that this is an important issue to you, that it impacts you more than a simple whim.

 

She also knows that you are empathetic to her concerns and would never do something to further stress her out or disrupt her sleep or possible work performance.

 

You don't have a sleep issue, you have a relationship issue that runs all the way down to mutual respect.

 

You have to decide is this something you can live with and all the other ways that this disrespect can manifest itself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Schiller, Guess Gloria25 nailed it right and proper. At various times you've offered snippets of information that indicates your relationship turns on financial considerations. The fact that you sold your Condo to move in with her and the resultant saving money, being put on her insurance plan which also saves you money, your GF earning in the range of 200,000. Dollars per annum and the fact that she has to rely on you to do mundane jobs because you have the time which she doesn't indicating that you are in a lower paid job than her( your attitude towards her holding a high paying job also pointing in the direction of your thinking that you have a gift horse and mustn't look it in the mouth!*) all indicate that you, not she, is the problem. Oh of course you are irritated that she wakes you up in the morning but then with your lower paying job you can suck it up. Which is why you have stalled almost every response where people have advised you to be proactive.

I guess the net result of this discussion is that since you have a good thing going you are not going to upset the applecart just in case she throws you out instead of you breaking up with her. So much smoke up a chimney! Have fun!

Edited November 12, 2015 by Just a Guy

[Els]

You say she 'sweetly apologizes', but what about actually sitting down and talking about a plan with you to solve the problem?

 

I do think she's being inconsiderate - it's not necessary to be making THAT much noise when you're getting ready in the morning. You're not exactly complaining about hearing her alarm or the shower... you're complaining about completely avoidable stuff. It is entirely possible to wear slippers until you're going out the door (heck I dunno why she doesn't want to, slippers are more comfy than heels any day!). If your dressers are in the bedroom then maybe consider putting them in a different room instead.

 

My SO wakes up earlier than me and aside from the unavoidable sounds (alarm, shower, front door, car starting) I barely hear him.

[lucy_in_disguise]

If your bedroom has stuff in it that she needs to access, like her clothes and workpapers, I think its inevitable that she will wake you as shes getting ready. You say she is making an unreasonable amount of noise, but how unreasonable is it, really? She can try avoiding the heels and you may want to consider rearranging things so she doesnt need to stay in the bedroom but beaides that, some of the racket may be inevitable. I know my bf always wakes me as hes getting ready... I accept it as par for he course of sharing space. Have you considered adjusting your scehdule so you get up at the same time? Nothing wrong with aiming for an earlier start to the day, imo.

[blackcat777]

This is really extreme, but I live in a rich, retired neighborhood where the only thing everyone has to do is obsessively summon a fleet of landscapers to ride enormous tractors all over their estate lawns every morning, at the crack of dawn, for hours and hours, for pure entertainment. If one person starts a chainsaw, three other houses start up even louder chainsaws. Summers here suck!!

 

I fall asleep fine at night. But for those mornings when nothing else works... I keep a pair of deafening, noise-cancelling headphones beside the bed. I started doing it when I lived in a giant apartment that underwent renovations. I don't know what kind of renovations they did, but it sounded like someone was jackhammering the walls for eight hours straight for WEEKS on end and I wanted a little peace of mind.

 

If something super annoying wakes me up early in the morning, I can slip them on and take back the hour other circumstances would have stolen from me. I'm aware it's neurotic... but I get my sleep.

[Gigi2015]

Sweetie, maybe not.... I used to work very long hours. On my day off I sometimes felt like my hubby was being carelessly disruptfu of my sleep....he wasn't. He was just being a responsible person trying to pull himself together and make it to work on time. Just ask her to get her stuff together at night(as much as she can) to not be too disruptive in the morning...land love her for being responsible enough to want to get to work on time. Hugs....

[schiller]

Hi Schiller, Guess Gloria25 nailed it right and proper. At various times you've offered snippets of information that indicates your relationship turns on financial considerations. The fact that you sold your Condo to move in with her and the resultant saving money

 

I sold my condo and moved in with her because we were together 3 years. I was good with living separately but she wanted to end the relationship because she didn't want a "part time" thing, so I decided she was worth it, and that's why I moved. My condo was mortgage free, and I make more than enough to support myself.

 

being put on her insurance plan which also saves you money

 

That was a fringe benefit of the arrangement. I didn't even consider it until she pointed out that her company will cover my insurance after we were together a year.

 

your GF earning in the range of 200,000. Dollars per annum and the fact that she has to rely on you to do mundane jobs because you have the time which she doesn't indicating that you are in a lower paid job than her

 

I make more than she does.

Which is why you have stalled almost every response where people have advised you to be proactive.

 

I wasn't aware that I was doing that. I don't agree with advice to be passive aggressive, and I spoke to her again this week about it, she pointed out that it was only twice in the past week, and she's sorry but she gets stressed and panicky in the mornings.

 

I guess the net result of this discussion is that since you have a good thing going you are not going to upset the applecart just in case she throws you out instead of you breaking up with her. So much smoke up a chimney! Have fun!

 

There's no way she'd throw me out, she loves me too much. She's perfectly content with the way things are. It IS a good thing and not worth ending the relationship over such a trivial matter.

[schiller]

You say she is making an unreasonable amount of noise, but how unreasonable is it, really?

 

You're right it's not all that bad but it could be better.

 

Have you considered adjusting your scehdule so you get up at the same time? Nothing wrong with aiming for an earlier start to the day, imo.

 

lucy I am NOT a morning person. Wish I was, then I could do more exercise, walk the dog.. but even 8 am is early for me, let alone 6:30 or 7.

[eye of the storm]

Schiller, I agree, do not go the passive aggressive route. It just puts nails in the coffin.

 

I highly doubt anyone lives full time with someone and they never to anything to irritate the other person. But you just have to decide what are deal breakers and what are not.

 

It sounds like you two talk. That is fantastic. It also sounds like you are aware that for her being loud in the morning is related to her being stressed about something. Maybe when she is being loud, roll over and yell at her "I love you and everything is going to be ok", then pull the pillow over your head and try to doze back off. If not, get up and start your day knowing that you are in a mostly great relationship.

 

Relationships all have bumps. How you both work on them, with love and respect for each other, determines how strong the relationship is.

 

Good luck. But it sounds like you are doing great from here.

[TexasMan68]

Ok if your both making north of 200k then sell that place and get a big fat house with lots of carpeting and a huge walk in closet off the bathroom for all her things. Done. Thank me later.

[schiller]

Ok if your both making north of 200k then sell that place and get a big fat house with lots of carpeting and a huge walk in closet off the bathroom for all her things. Done. Thank me later.

 

We're saving for retirement.

[Keenly]

Why are so many people justifying this incredibly rude behavior just because she has books?

 

 

I don't care how hard it is to get ready in the morning. Making noise without concern for your SAS sleep is rude, Inconsiderate, and selfish.

 

Sleep is important. Just because she needs to wake up doesn't mean she needs to wake him up.

[kismetkismet]

My guess is that she doesn't mean to, but is stressed and busy in the morning and so forgets..I used to be a big morning panicker so here are a few tips for how to make them a bit easier:

 

- Get her to move all of her shoes to the front door so she doesn't put them on until she leaves

-Maybe you could put a note in the kitchen to remind her to be quiet?

-See if she'll get up 10 or 15 mins earlier - that can make a HUGE difference

-Ask her/encourage her to get ready the night before

-Make lunches together the night before or something that would quicken the process.

-Get clothes/outfit ready the night before

-Make sure that there is particular spot for the keys and purse and that sort of thing (i know that i have stormed around the house in a panic it was often because i couldn't find something)

 

Try to find solutions that you can do together. I know that it's technically not your problem, but she may already resent the fact that you get to sleep in.. so if it's something you BOTH do, like lunches and organizing everything the night before.. she might be more receptive.

 

But I'd also suggest experimenting with ear plugs. They have some putty sort of ones that fit in your ear better.

 

OR you could try to adjust your schedule to hers a bit more. My boyfriend gets up 2 hours before I have to, and as much as I hate it, I've adjusted my schedule to be closer to his because otherwise I just don't get enough sleep. He tries to be quiet, but I'm a very light sleeper and frequently can't get back to sleep after he goes. I'm trying to move my workouts to the morning rather than in the evening and then going to bed earlier with him.. I've had to do this with a previous boyfriend as well. Unfortunately i think in a lot of cases that's just one of the compromises one has to make when you live with a partner. Mind you, if he were super loud and i knew he could control it, i would probably want to wring his neck haha. If she is quiet, are you actually able to sleep through it?

[Els]

Why are so many people justifying this incredibly rude behavior just because she has books?

 

 

I don't care how hard it is to get ready in the morning. Making noise without concern for your SAS sleep is rude, Inconsiderate, and selfish.

 

Sleep is important. Just because she needs to wake up doesn't mean she needs to wake him up.

 

Meh, I was one of those who thinks that the OP's gf is being inconsiderate, but with the sort of attitude you're espousing, nothing will get solved. You SHOULD care about how hard it is for your SO to wake up and get ready early in the morning. Just as how she SHOULD care if she's waking you up by making too much noise.

 

Both parties need to think about the other person and try to figure out ways, together, as to how they can solve the problem. Fortunately the OP seems to have a good head on his shoulders and is trying to use compromise and communication instead of going on a warpath like you are.

 

OP, a few more suggestions on how to solve the problem, that my guy and I use (he wakes up at 6.30am, I don't):

 

- Ask if it's possible for her to keep the stuff that she needs to get ready in a different room, and help her move them. We have a few things like dressers, clothes hampers etc in seemingly odd locations in the house, but they are really there because it's a comfortable and convenient place for him to get ready outside the bedroom.

- Ask if there's anything you can help her do the night before to make the morning smoother, if you work fewer hours than she does

- Try to install noise-dampening rugs, drapes etc in the bedroom. That will benefit you in other ways as well.

 

Sometimes I still do wake up and am not able to go back to sleep, but that's by virtue of me being a light sleeper, just can't be helped. Doing all of the above has reduced the incidences of that happening though.

[Wewon]

I agree with Keenly and acknowledging the willfulness of her behavior is the only it can be solved, it puzzles me that people are stepping around that. Instead people are advising him to put a pillow over his head and count his blessings.

 

But at this point the problem isn't the noise, the stress or even a lack of awareness on her part. They've had discussions, she's corrected it, and simply went back to her behavior. So she CAN control it if she wanted to, she simply chooses not to; that totally axes the "she can't help it/doesn't know that she's doing it" arguement.

 

So the question isn't how can the OP best reframe this so it sounds cute and quirky, the real question is why does she have so little regard for his request?

[bubbaganoosh]

Good advice but I don't think less sleepovers is the answer. After being together 3 years I sold my condo and moved in with her a year ago. We're even domestic partners, I am on her health insurance and I save a bundle.

.

 

So far you asked for advice and got it but nothing seems good enough for you so here it is.

 

Maybe your being woken up at the wrong time but by God you got a good deal with the medical plan your on so maybe this is your co payment towards it.

 

Choice is this. Move out and pay your own medical insurance and get your extra sleep or, stick around and save money which seems tops on your list and miss an hour or two of sleep. You can't have everything pal.

[schiller]

Move out and pay your own medical insurance and get your extra sleep or, stick around and save money which seems tops on your list and miss an hour or two of sleep. You can't have everything pal.

 

I'm not living with her to save money on medical insurance.