Would you feel guilty over this?

[howdoi888]

I need some major help. My fiancé and I have been fighting over money etc for at least a week. NON STOP.

 

He's told me "why don't you just leave me.." and also told me that since meeting me his life has gone into the ground. He has put so much effort into our relationship that he feels he has let his career and family life slip away (despite my encouragement to always put those things first)

 

He keeps insulting me all day long. Telling me I’ve ruined his life. He’s lost his shape because he doesn’t work out as much because he put some first. He’s lost his money because he’s “chasing after me”. “You think I want to spend the rest of my life like this?!?”

 

I make enough to carry even more than my own bills. He says that my “extra” should go to saving for the wedding.. and he constantly gets on me for spending ANYTHING. He got mad that I bought a present behind his back for my mother. He said I was favoring my family over him and I should always clear purchases of any sort with him first. Then he told me that I was not on his team and I betrayed him because of this purchase.

 

Now he has a point that I have been hiding money because he acts like this. I had a secret stash of money because I didn’t want to be chastized for buying presents for family or friends. He went through my purse and saw the receipts and asked me wtf. So the fights began non-stop. He calls me a liar. Demands to see all my bank accounts for the past 6 months or he won’t marry me. Now he says i’m not trust worthy and he constantly holds it over my head. HOURLY.

 

This morning I almost left him- I broke down crying as I was packing to leave. He came home and begged me to stay. He told me that everything could be fixed — he understood that he was difficult with me.

I stayed — I told him I love him and couldn’t leave…but I needed him to stop emotionally abusing me…stop the anger. He said he would. One hour later — it began again.

 

“How do you ever expect me to trust you?”

“You pick your boss over me….” “You think this feels good to be betrayed by you?” “Everything is for you or your family…I get nothing but shi*” “You are ungrateful…” “You announced on FB we are getting married….you realize __ (our friend) is thinking boy he doesn’t realize how STUPID he is…to marry her…”

“You like stabbing me in the back?” “You know that you haven’t made love to me in 2 days…you think this is healthy?” “You are cold — you don’t love me anymore…” When I started crying after being pelted with this all day ..he said “you like being a victim, huh? You think I want to see you crying and trying to manipulate me?”

 

This went on all day long. THEN - he stopped — hugged me and told me that he loved me more than he could ever say. I went for an errand and I came back and he had a brand new handbag and roses for me. He started crying telling me he never wanted to lose me and he loves me more than he could ever describe.

 

Well —I melt when he does that. I stay and want to figure out how to make this work. But, I have a secret and I am dying inside. He gets remorseful and I want to stay but 2 days ago — we had a horrible fight. He threatened to take my phone away and confiscate it and message all my contacts to “ruin me”. I didn’t think he was serious but the problem is he lied to his employer so he didn’t have to pay my bill. He got them to think my phone number was HIS second work line… and they have been paying my bill for 6 months. Well when he threatened to take over my number he said he would use his employer to do so… He also threatened to supeaona my own bank records!

 

So, when I was leaving — I emailed his IT department and told them that I needed to control my own phone line again and that I was UNAWARE that my fiancé had told his employer that it was HIS work number. They immediately gave me my own number and bill back and said they completely understood. I never told him what I did because we repaired things….and hoped that it wouldn’t be a big deal.

 

Well now we are back together (despite his constant pelts of anger and threats) and I found out his boss called a meeting with him Friday. I know it’s about this…he has no clue. I worry he will be fired and of course that was not my intention — but I needed to have my own phone line back and not be threatened with being “ruined”.

 

So here I sit — trying to figure out what to do. Do I leave and never look back when he leaves in the morning for work? We are planning a wedding and when things are good — they are terrific. But, clearly when things are bad - they are horrid. I just cry — and deal with the pain.

 

If you were me — what would you do? Am I to blame here???

[CarrieT]

I would leave him.

 

Way too controlling and inflicting guilt trips? No way...

 

Doesn't sound like he will change, so the next question is: Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?!!!

[itsallamystery]

Theres always three sides to the story, but from what you've written it sounds like he is manipulative, controlling and co-dependant. These were the things that I picked up on specifically:

 

 

 

He's told me "why don't you just leave me.." and also told me that since meeting me his life has gone into the ground. He has put so much effort into our relationship that he feels he has let his career and family life slip away (despite my encouragement to always put those things first)

 

How are you able to run his life into the ground?

 

 

He keeps insulting me all day long. Telling me I’ve ruined his life. He’s lost his shape because he doesn’t work out as much because he put some first. He’s lost his money because he’s “chasing after me”. “You think I want to spend the rest of my life like this?!?”

 

Again, I was victim to not working out nearly a fraction of what I used to when I with with my girlfriend. that was my fault. not hers.

 

I make enough to carry even more than my own bills. He says that my “extra” should go to saving for the wedding.. and he constantly gets on me for spending ANYTHING. He got mad that I bought a present behind his back for my mother. He said I was favoring my family over him and I should always clear purchases of any sort with him first. Then he told me that I was not on his team and I betrayed him because of this purchase.

 

This is more than just about money, but I think a good first step would be to sit down and create a budget for the both of you so that there are not any more situations like this.

 

Now he has a point that I have been hiding money because he acts like this. I had a secret stash of money because I didn’t want to be chastized for buying presents for family or friends. He went through my purse and saw the receipts and asked me wtf. So the fights began non-stop. He calls me a liar. Demands to see all my bank accounts for the past 6 months or he won’t marry me. Now he says i’m not trust worthy and he constantly holds it over my head. HOURLY.

 

You are now doing things that are unhealthy. I understand why you may have done this, but it does not change the fact it is wrong to hide things.

 

 

 

 

 

I was going to quote more things line by line, but I would explore counseling together because it doesnt sound like its the start of a healthy marriage to say the least.

[howdoi888]

Of course, he blames me for everything. He says that my "lies" are to blame for all of this...but truthfully I hid money because he wouldn't even let me spend my own earnings on my family etc unless I approved with him.

 

But - yes. I did lie to him. I understand that.

 

Then comes the issue of me going to his IT dept trying to get ownership of my own phone number again because he threatened to get all my contacts (through them posing as HIS account) and "ruining me".

 

He is probably going to get into trouble for this...and Lord knows he is going to want to KILL me for doing this....

[howdoi888]

I agree -- but even though we are not married yet -- he demands that HE controls all finances. He will not do a budget with me and says that he will not listen to me controlling him. He says the fact that I want to have a say over how my money is spent is a lack of trust of him and betrayal..

 

Theres always three sides to the story, but from what you've written it sounds like he is manipulative, controlling and co-dependant. These were the things that I picked up on specifically:

 

 

 

 

 

How are you able to run his life into the ground?

 

 

 

 

Again, I was victim to not working out nearly a fraction of what I used to when I with with my girlfriend. that was my fault. not hers.

 

 

 

This is more than just about money, but I think a good first step would be to sit down and create a budget for the both of you so that there are not any more situations like this.

 

 

 

You are now doing things that are unhealthy. I understand why you may have done this, but it does not change the fact it is wrong to hide things.

 

 

 

 

 

I was going to quote more things line by line, but I would explore counseling together because it doesnt sound like its the start of a healthy marriage to say the least.

[RecentChange]

When I read your account all I could think of when I was proposed to, he said he was proposing because he realized his life is so much better with me in it.

 

From everything you have said here, why exactly are you getting married?

 

Things tend to not get better after the wedding bells. And many marriages don't stand the test of time.

 

I have a hard time believing this is a good match. I've never fought with anyone as much as what you have laid out here.

 

It doesn't have to be this hard.

[howdoi888]

I think he likes to punish me and the issue really comes back to control for him. I’ve never been married before but I have child with a previous relationship. I rarely spend money on her (out of my finance’s permission) but I hid money because he kept objecting. He went nuts when I asked to pay 200 dollars on a tutor for her. So when he forbid it - I started stashing money. I wasn’t going to allow my fiance to prevent my daughter from the best ESPECIALLY since I knew I was making more than I spent…

 

That’s where the hiding of money began.

 

But he just sits and throws darts at me all day long…he says that by doing that I am helping my ex who he hopes “burns in hell” and that I am not on his team…etc.

 

And the jealousy extends to my boss. My boss asked me to be at a function at 9 am tomorrow and I said ok…despite the fact that I had to travel to it. He went NUTS and said that I kiss his “as$” and I should know that my fiancé/husband should come first.

 

I told him I would just quit my job and he said NO! We need your money. So I said okay…then I need to do this event — he said it didn’t say you “HAVE” to be there…but you go anyway because you jump just like Pavlov's dog….

 

I don’t think i’m a bad person but yes i’ve lied because he makes it impossible to be “me”…with my family and daughter...

 

He is Just so jealous of my time with my daughter and when I say I'm going to visit her...he will say well "fu@k me..." Who gives a sh@t about me!"

 

He also threatened to leave me the last time I went to see her when she said she had a fever. He said that I should have waited for him to go with After work I clearly was hiding something and had a horrible excuse for needing to escape to my daughter.

 

When I read your account all I could think of when I was proposed to, he said he was proposing because he realized his life is so much better with me in it.

 

From everything you have said here, why exactly are you getting married?

 

Things tend to not get better after the wedding bells. And many marriages don't stand the test of time.

 

I have a hard time believing this is a good match. I've never fought with anyone as much as what you have laid out here.

 

It doesn't have to be this hard.

Edited November 11, 2015 by howdoi888

[basil67]

If I were you? I would have been gone looooong ago. Do you really think that you can't do better than this guy?

[Mr. Lucky]

I think he likes to punish me and the issue really comes back to control for him. I’ve never been married before but I have child with a previous relationship. I rarely spend money on her (out of my finance’s permission) but I hid money because he kept objecting. He went nuts when I asked to pay 200 dollars on a tutor for her. So when he forbid it - I started stashing money.

 

You're putting this controlling jerk and his abusive tirades ahead of your daughter? You let him bully you into requiring his permission to spend your own money on her?

 

Think about the person he's turned you into. I hope your daughter doesn't live with you, I'd hate for her to see this behavior up close. This is the kind of parent you want to be ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Walk away. His emotional abuse and blackmail are beyond your control at this point. Things with him will only get worse with marriage. He will take it as even further proof he can control and abuse you without consequence. When he goes to work, walk away. I don't even think you owe him a note other then "don't try to contact me again, we are done forever" and leave. Don't ever look back. No checking of social media, nothing. Erase him from everything and just live girl. Live for yourself ffs. I can only imagine how liberating it will be for you!! No fear, you want this! It rings clear in your post to me. No guilt at all.

[aussietigerwolf]

Run... My ex was EXACTLY like that and it only got worse until I was certain he was going to kill me and our child. If you have someone you can stay with then leave now... Feel free to pm me as this guy is my ex before he turned physically violent.