Need some support

[Savannah2]

We haven't been together physically in a while. That part has been over mainly because I couldn't handle the push/pull becoming more frequent over the last 4 years we have been having an affair. We work together though so we still talk and see each other although it is difficult. He left today for his wife's birthday vacation and posted on Fb this lovey Dovey message to her. I feel so betrayed and heartbroken. I know all the reasons he is not good to me. Yet it hurts so much to know what he has been doing here with me for four years now behind her back and then he goes and plans vacations with her and professes his love for her on fb. Please remind me that I should be angry and not missing him and hurting.

[EmbraceTheChange]

It's normal to be and feel hurt, you invested a lot in this affair. But stop looking on Facebook to see what he's doing, it just brings you a lot of hurt, right? The guy is not having a come-to-Jesus moment to be with you, by the look of it. He's putting his wife as his priority No.1. So do the same. Start thinking about No.1 (you) and where you want to be. Forget about him.

 

You need to get angry ... at yourself. For lowering your standards. For putting yourself in a situation where you were committing yourself to somebody who could not be there for you 100%. For wasting 4 years and hoping somebody else would change their own situation to be with you. That's not the best deal you can get, it's hurtful and damaging to you. You don't need to be somebody's side dish. You can be with somebody who wants an honest and real relationship.

 

So start doing things that are right for YOU.

 

This guy was not a blessing to be in your life, he was a lesson. So learn from it. He was a "gift" in disguise to get your priorities right and learn some hard facts about yourself.

 

Best of luck. Don't despair, it will get better, I promise you that.

[Lovetoohard]

We haven't been together physically in a while. That part has been over mainly because I couldn't handle the push/pull becoming more frequent over the last 4 years we have been having an affair. We work together though so we still talk and see each other although it is difficult. He left today for his wife's birthday vacation and posted on Fb this lovey Dovey message to her. I feel so betrayed and heartbroken. I know all the reasons he is not good to me. Yet it hurts so much to know what he has been doing here with me for four years now behind her back and then he goes and plans vacations with her and professes his love for her on fb. Please remind me that I should be angry and not missing him and hurting.

 

Don't look at his FB anymore. Block him. This is not healthy. Also, limit your interactions with him at work to the extent possible. Strip away all the things that made you want to put him on a pedestal and realize that he is a selfish liar and a coward - not a real man. Everyone handles things differently but for me, anger was self destructive so I focused on forgiving him for reducing me to the point of hurting my self esteem and more importantly, forgiving myself for being so vulnerable and knowingly opening up to someone who I knew was bad for me.

[Savannah2]

Thank you Embrace, your words are exactly what I need to hear and I will go back and read it every time I'm having a weak moment. I need to realize that I'm not really losing anything. He was never really there for me. He always put her needs above mine. And yet he confided in me when she would be horrible to him and treat him badly. Then turn around and do something nice for her. I just am so broken.

[sandylee1]

Thank you Embrace, your words are exactly what I need to hear and I will go back and read it every time I'm having a weak moment. I need to realize that I'm not really losing anything. He was never really there for me. He always put her needs above mine. And yet he confided in me when she would be horrible to him and treat him badly. Then turn around and do something nice for her. I just am so broken.

 

The sooner you stop focusing on how horrible she was to him...The better it will be for you.

 

If she was horrible to him....he was even more horrible to you..treating you like something not so nice.

So guess what they are 2 horrible people who deserve each other.

There is nothing nice he has done for you.

 

She is his priority ...she is his wife....he vowed to be there for her.

 

Leave the two horrible people to each other and show him you can be more than happy without him.

 

Just pick yourself up...and know that you were not put on earth to be mistreated by this man.

 

Take responsibility for your own happiness and sc*** him.

[schiller]

I feel so betrayed and heartbroken. Please remind me that I should be angry and not missing him and hurting.

 

You're angry because the guy who betrayed his wife (with you) now betrayed you with his wife.

 

You have every reason to be angry- but not with him.

[yodelwithyu]

He was never really there for me. He always put her needs above mine.

Then turn around and do something nice for her. I just am so broken.

 

Hey Savannah, so sorry you are hurting. But you have to realize something. No matter if he loves you or what his circumstances are, she IS his wife. Her needs will always, and should always, come before yours. Even if he didn't want it to be that way, and did things begrudgingly, it wouldn't make a difference...it would still hurt you that they are together when you want to be with him. Basically, what I am saying it that whether you intentionally or accidentally touch an open fire, the burn will be the same.

 

It always hurts when they are with their wives/families, and it always will. Don't put yourself through this, help yourself while you still can. A lot of us on here feel broken. Let's all try and help each other get put back together.

[schiller]

I need to realize that I'm not really losing anything. He was never really there for me. He always put her needs above mine.

 

When you have an affair with a married man you are putting yourself in a position where you will naturally be #2.

 

So learn from it. Your next boyfriend will be single. There won't be the inconvenience of having his wife to deal with, and the whole secret life that nobody knows about sort of thing. You can do things together, go places together, and it won't be 'wrong'.

 

Just imagine the possibilities.

[EmbraceTheChange]

You put his needs above yours, Savannah. Even when you felt short-handed. That's why it carried on for so long. He didn't have any respect for you because you didn't have any for yourself. Many times you could (and should have) told him that he was being like a jerk, that it was a situation that was totally ****ed-up (you being the gf of a married man) and that you were not putting up with it anymore. And you should have had enough respect for yourself to walk away, with your head high. He showed you many times who he was, you just had to open your eyes and not think that you couldn't get anything better (being single is better than being in a dysfunctional relationship).

 

His wife was not that horrible, that's lots of B.S. His marriage with his wife was normal, with ups and downs, happy times and disagreements. He was playing the poor victim to keep you in the game, that's all. It worked, right? Each times his wife would be "horrible" you would be extra nice. Don't worry, he was also pretending to his wife that he was faithful and committed. The only upper-hand you had in this game was that you knew he was cheating, she didn't. Apart from this, you had nothing. It was his way or the highway.

 

You need to accept that Mr Wonderful treated you that bad, and you let him. You need to accept that you saw this guy as a great guy, but he was a cheater. Can't change that. But you can promise yourself that no guy will treat you that bad again. He acts like a jerk? Don't associate yourself with him You learn to have boundaries. People can't push you into situation where you could potentially come out worse, or be hurt. You learn to respect yourself. You, Savannah, you need to choose to have people with integrity in your life, people who tell the truth, people who are drama free. It's the other side of the coin.

[Artie Lang]

I feel so betrayed

 

are you freakin' serious, right now?

[Ophelia25]

My AP doesn't use social media, and his wife and I have made a few attempts to be friendly in the past and we have many mutual friends, so I find myself looking at her posts (sometimes inadvertently, because I don't want to be a jerk and delete her, and sometimes on purpose, because I want to know what he is doing) and feeling utterly miserable at the sappy, "look at how happy we are" life she creates for them on fb and instagram.

 

The funny thing is I don't know how much of a lie it is, and either way, it sucks. Either she is lying to try to show the world they are gloriously happy when they aren't, which means they are both miserable and it's likely somewhat related to me, so I suck, or he's such a good liar that she really is oblivious and thinks they are so happy, which makes me feel like a jerk and wonder how much he lies to me as well. I've read that people in really secure relationships tend to be very absent from plastering their love all over social media, so I sometimes take that as a "good" (?) sign and smile wickedly when she's all "I love him, he's great! look at us happy" everywhere. Then when she's quiet, I wonder, "are they doing better? - does she not need to try to reassert her fabulous relationship?" and I get depressed. But I also get depressed seeing them looking so happy. There is no way to win at this.

 

I'm learning that any glances at fb and Instagram are seriously dangerous. For you, either he is trying to fix his life with her super hard by being all publicly lovey-dovey, or he's showing off to prove something to you or to himself. Or he's making a desperate attempt to seem like all is great when it's so not. Whatever the case, looking will probably just make you feel worse. Does for me.

[Savannah2]

I have this urge to just tell his wife everything. Especially when I see all those lovey pictures. Knowing what he has been doing with me the last 4 years. The anger just boils.

[privategal]

I have this urge to just tell his wife everything. Especially when I see all those lovey pictures. Knowing what he has been doing with me the last 4 years. The anger just boils.

 

Im so sorry, so many of us can relate to your exact pain and feelings.

I was thinking maybe instead of defriending or blocking people, maybe just go on a social media hiatus and tell your friends you will ne be back...and temporarily delete your FB for a few months. Just for you, for peace, whi cares how anyone else sees it. Its going to get better. I think you are getting to the acceptance phase and right before that everything feels so hard and so sad because in many ways your forcing your heart to let go of something you never wanted to.

Maybe in these 4 years he meant the things he said at the time with you. Maybe it was a stabilizer affair and it came full circle and his marriage is in a better place now. If thats the case when you find all this peace and love at home theres no need for him to focus on his ap...hes fulfilled. Thats tough. Hard. You feel degraded, downgraded and left behind when you only wanted to love him and be loved.

No good outcome my dear but for you to extricate yourself unfortunately. Im so sorry.

[Brokenintwo]

Savannah, I only posted here once as some responders were quite nasty to me, but I have been reading and your threads really get to me.

 

Do not, under any circumstances, confront his wife! Believe me, you will wind up more hurt and destroyed than you can even imagine!

 

I think you and I had very similar experiences- tough as it is to accept, they DO NOT love us. They use us.

 

I learned a lot when I made the mistake of confronting exMM's wife. Things I had confided in him, that I thought he understood and even admired about me, were thrown in my face in the ugliest way. There was no way she could have known those things except for his telling her. I got a real insight as to how he really felt about me. It has been over a year and a half, and I still cringe when I remember that conversation and the look on her face.

 

Btw, I do know how you feel about their relationship. ExMM has a picture on his desk of the two of them dancing on the beach in Hawaii when they renewed their vows last June. It tears me apart every time I see it, which is whenever I have to be in his office for business reasons. Thank heavens, it isn't too often- but it is there.

 

We need to move n with our lives and put these painful chapters behind us as best we can. It is hard but necessary to realize that we are not the person he loves and never will be. Kill whatever hope you have, but don't do it in a way that will destroy you in the process.

[Savannah2]

I know that it would do no good telling her but I was so angry the last time I saw them together holding hands that I told him I was going to tell her everything. I didn't mean it. I was so incredibly hurt and it was the only card I could pull on him. I realized that isn't the best and I never will tell her. He has been away now for two days and I don't miss him nearly as much as I thought. I'm better focused at work. Things have gotten pretty bad between us the last few months. He kept pulling away and I didn't want to accept it so I turned into the crazy ow for a while. Makes me sick thinking about how I acted. Never thought it would be me. But I was so hurt by him.

[Lovetoohard]

At my angriest and most hurtful moment, I really wanted to stick it to my ex so he could suffer the way I was suffering and even dialed his wife's cell phone but hung up. He will get what he deserves in due course and you don't need to be a catalyst to blowing up his life. As satisfying as it would be for a moment, because you truly love him, you will feel guilty and horrible for doing it.

 

I am sorry you work with him. It sucks and I can speak from experience. Being subjected to the family pictures in his office, him talking about the kids school stuff, upcoming vacation plans, buying his wife some body contouring package thing, etc. was awful. Also, he appears to be such a charming family man to everyone and that made me sick. After we broke up, he refused to pay me for his portion of a trip even though he was showing up to work with new clothes and eating out everyday. I know he could've paid me back but he was being an *******. Anyway, enough of my rant, but you have to try and compartmentalize and with time, he will just be this guy you once knew.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Lovetoohard

[Savannah2]

I knew I hit rock bottom at that moment I looked him in the eye and said I'm going to tell her everything. Things had been rocky with him and I lot a while. He would make what I think we're excuses to not see me and just was pulling away. I was always angry. I hate that it got to that point because at one time we were very close. But after four years, the anger hit me fast and furious. I am trying to disentangle myself from this and him. We work together so it's not easy. It's been a really nice break not having him there's week though. Forces me to create a new normal without him in the picture.

Edited November 12, 2015 by Savannah2
Added

[Dylon]

4 years is a long time. I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying the break without him. Hope it can be permanent. I agree with many of the posters: who knows what's going on with their marriage: true happiness, fake, a duty. Probably a little of everything in the mix considering you had an A with him for such a long time. There will be ups and downs. Now ask yourself if you want more of this for the next 4 years. As you've said, things have been bad for the last few months. It won't get better so call it quit now. Good luck and take care of yourself. I agree with one of the poster: take a break from FB. Deactivate it. The next time you log in, it activates it again so it's no big deal.

[Savannah2]

I know he's not missing me on this vacation with his wife. There may be times when he thinks about me here and there but I know he's definitely not sitting there having a come to Jesus realization of life without me. And I'm also sure he thinks he will just come back and snap his fingers and I'll be there ready to perform for him. I know that sounds crass, but that's about it.

[sandylee1]

I know he's not missing me on this vacation with his wife. There may be times when he thinks about me here and there but I know he's definitely not sitting there having a come to Jesus realization of life without me. And I'm also sure he thinks he will just come back and snap his fingers and I'll be there ready to perform for him. I know that sounds crass, but that's about it.

 

Just remember that you only get used if you allow others to use you. Be strong and never let yourself be used like this again. When he gets back...just try and act like he's just a man who works there are keep it business like. I know it's hard with someone you've been involved with for so long...but invest in yourself and try and feel good from the inside out.

 

I hope you have friends you can socialise with or see if you can focus on something like a hobby .....get fresh air by going on long walks.

 

Wouldn't the best thing be for him to see you looking happy now that he's not in your life that way.

 

I took great pleasure in an ex seeing me happy..with a new man that was committed to me and who was more on my wavelength.

 

Only YOU are responsible for your happiness. Don't leave your happiness in the hands of a cheater again.... because someone is bound to get hurt.

[privategal]

I know that it would do no good telling her but I was so angry the last time I saw them together holding hands that I told him I was going to tell her everything. I didn't mean it. I was so incredibly hurt and it was the only card I could pull on him. I realized that isn't the best and I never will tell her. He has been away now for two days and I don't miss him nearly as much as I thought. I'm better focused at work. Things have gotten pretty bad between us the last few months. He kept pulling away and I didn't want to accept it so I turned into the crazy ow for a while. Makes me sick thinking about how I acted. Never thought it would be me. But I was so hurt by him.

 

Before you just start icing him out, you can have a breif polite talk and end it. I wouldn't apologize for the crazy but it may make you feel better to touch on it and explain his character and actions caused you to react in a way that was out of your normal character and that your serious now about ending it, focusing on your life and career and closing this chapter.

You may cry all the way home but you will be composed in front of him and you will have been the one to take control and take your power back. From there you can make lunch plans with others, or take your lunch in privacy in your car playing peaceful music.

It will feel lonely and hopeless and sad for awhile but then you'll start to have more peace and less tears and you will start to have you back..it will opem doors for new people and new love and maybe you might slowly job search...take your time..you never know.

His trip came at the perfect time for you to reflect this made you feel crazy and low.

For a long time you will love him and miss him, because the fog will be lifting and you will feel a void. Being aware of that up front will help prepare you.

You wont have to feel him pull away again, he can have his marriage and boring predictable life he wanted to escape from with you.

YOU are going to show HIM the door and your gonna hold your head high. All this can slowly be put behind you if you can take the first step, calmly, cooly and in a dignified respectful (to yourself) manner. You can do this...cant you? Are you ready?

[Savannah2]

I am ready. Today I deleted my account that we use to communicate. So when he gets back he will not be able to contact me. I have a plan for work. We always use to eat lunch together but I've been eating with different people this week which has been good. I do feel like I'm ready to end this. I worry about him turning it around me saying I abandoned him. Before he left, I told him that I knew I had hit rock bottom and I couldn't do this anymore. He didn't fight me or try to change my mind. He just said he was sorry and he understood. And then off he went with her on vacation. I don't think he takes me seriously anymore because I have tried to walk away from this many times before. What he doesn't know is that I am taking myself seriously this time.

[Ms. Faust]

I worry about him turning it around me saying I abandoned him.

 

So what if he does? Why is it a cause of concern for you?

[Savannah2]

It shouldn't be a concern of mine. He hasn't been concerned with me while he's been cuddling up with her all week. That's for sure. I just have a feeling he will throw that out there on me that I took away our friendship and he doesn't have anyone to talk to anymore

[Ms. Faust]

I just have a feeling he will throw that out there on me that I took away our friendship and he doesn't have anyone to talk to anymore

 

Not your problem.

 

Best thing to do in your relationship with him is learn to detach.