Lovetoohard Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 It shouldn't be a concern of mine. He hasn't been concerned with me while he's been cuddling up with her all week. That's for sure. I just have a feeling he will throw that out there on me that I took away our friendship and he doesn't have anyone to talk to anymore It's classic manipulative behavior. He will turn it around on you and make you feel bad because he knows you care deeply. He may have been a goid work frend but he is not a good friend otherwise. People who are truly your friends don't want to hurt you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 Remember if he tried to guilt trip you to ignore. Also take some lunch breaks alone. Completely disengage from the office. Delete FB Ignore all communication. When he gets pouty remember him saying "I understand" and not even being sad about the fallout before his vaca. He might as well have said "I dont care". Be firm and clear that friendship is not appropriate and only work communication is acceptable at best. Do not cave, reach out, steer clear. You can do this. You are in control. Its your life, your dignity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 as long as you still see him at work, this situation is not gonna go away. this is not over... not by a long shot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 How have things gone now that he is back at work? Were you able to avoid or did you weaken when you saw him or how are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 Privategal, thank you for checking on me. He came back on Monday. I have avoided him like the plague. It's been tough but I have resolved to end this once and for all. I do miss him but I know that if I were to stay with him I would always be hurting. Thank you all so much for your support and being there for me. You really have no idea what a difference you have made to me. I go back and read your responses when i feel weak for him. I know I'm not completely over this hurdle, but I'm making progress. Link to post Share on other sites
C2681 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I don't comment much at all but I hope you are doing well and you are holding strong. It is so hard to stand your ground when faced everyday with the person. coworker relationships are the hardest to recover from and I think Artie is right and gave me some sound words that haven't been wrong. If you can I would look at other jobs if possible or it is so easy to get sucked back in and start the whole process again. I hope you are stronger than I am so you won't have to hurt anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 I will probably be starting a new job in August. Luckily, we work in different departments so it's not that difficult to avoid him. I just realized how much I have been putting on a pedestal and he doesn't treat me well or deserve it. Even the sex wasn't that good now that I think about it. I felt like a $5 hooker most times because he just seemed mainly interested in Bjs, handjobs, no kissing or imtercourse. Yeah it was bad. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 If he tries to reel you back on. ..tell him. ."NO". There's nothing in it for you. ..not even sexual satisfaction. That'll help knock him off that pedastle. Nothing gets a man more than knocking him in that department and it's a smidgen of the hurt he's caused you. A disgusted look towards his groin would help when you say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 It shouldn't be a concern of mine. He hasn't been concerned with me while he's been cuddling up with her all week. That's for sure. I just have a feeling he will throw that out there on me that I took away our friendship and he doesn't have anyone to talk to anymore Savannah, he hasn't been concerned with you since you started seeing him. He may have given you more lip service in the beginning about loving you and all that nonsense to GET you to the stage you're at now - willing to take a bullet for him - but that was for HIS benefit, not yours. He wanted to insure you'd always be happy to make yourself available at the drop of a hat when it was convenient for him. Well played, MM. Hardly the thing dreams are made of. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 I will probably be starting a new job in August. Luckily, we work in different departments so it's not that difficult to avoid him. I just realized how much I have been putting on a pedestal and he doesn't treat me well or deserve it. Even the sex wasn't that good now that I think about it. I felt like a $5 hooker most times because he just seemed mainly interested in Bjs, handjobs, no kissing or imtercourse. Yeah it was bad. Good lord, woman. NEVER give more than you're getting. And from the sounds of it, you were getting nothing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 [quote=Lois_Griffin;6650997 NEVER give more than you're getting. . This is a brilliant philosophy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Damn, you mean he didn't do anything sexually for you at all??? Girl, stay strong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savannah2 Posted November 19, 2015 Author Share Posted November 19, 2015 When this first started, he used to do more for me but hes always tried to stay away from intercourse. In fact, it was 2 years before we actually did that. Always just oral. And hes had a vasectomy this entire time so pregnancy not really an issue as to why he wouldn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 Well, just remember if he comes crawling back to you, trying to whisper sweet nothings in your ear: Men generally do not love women who they just want blowjobs from. Often, men don't even respect women who's purpose is to just give blowjobs. I am sure you are very aware of this, but your emotions are clouding your judgment. Don't let your heart get the better of you the next time he comes your way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 When this first started, he used to do more for me but hes always tried to stay away from intercourse. In fact, it was 2 years before we actually did that. Always just oral. And hes had a vasectomy this entire time so pregnancy not really an issue as to why he wouldn't. Reciprocal oral? It sounded like he was getting all the action. Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 I saw this quote online: "You deserve better than what you sometimes get. But if you accept less, people have no reason to give you more." I know how you feel. I barely got anything out of the A too. No gifts, mediocre sex, lack of time and attention, but I convinced myself it didn't matter because I loved him. Now I can start to see him for who he really is. It's really great that you are serious about calling it quits this time. You are strong enough to get through this. I hope it all works out for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 are you freakin' serious, right now? This is an excellent point, Artie. The comment displays a lack of empathy on the part of the OW. I think the O P needs therapy or counseling to explore her lack of empathy for the man's wife. It is hard to imagine feeling betrayed after causing so much damage to an innocent woman. Even more mind boggling that somone could actaully post about it without seeing the hypocrisy. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 This is an excellent point, Artie. The comment displays a lack of empathy on the part of the OW. I think the O P needs therapy or counseling to explore her lack of empathy for the man's wife. It is hard to imagine feeling betrayed after causing so much damage to an innocent woman. Even more mind boggling that somone could actaully post about it without seeing the hypocrisy. What good will your post do anyone? An ow is well aware of her hypocrisy and she was never unapologetic about any pain caused. Ows come for support and shes hurting too. That was her topic. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I thought pointing out the fact that she is injuring an innocent person might add to her motivation to stop the cheating. Trying to appeal to her sense of decency in avoiding injury to anothr. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) I thought pointing out the fact that she is injuring an innocent person might add to her motivation to stop the cheating. Trying to appeal to her sense of decency in avoiding injury to anothr. She nor any of the other posters dont come here for that. So unless the question is "can I get advice on your moral opinion on my infidelity?" you can keep your passive aggressive judgement to yourself. The post said "I need support" An ow beats herself up ALOT. goes through shame, guilt, loss of self esteem, much more. I think her heart is trying to heal and shes fragile and needs a safe place to vent. So hopefully you can find another forum or outlet to post your beliefs and such.. as if you read her story its fizzled and shes trying to move on so even your timing is bad on top of your unsolicited 'advice'. Your not wrong, its just not the topic nor the time. Affairs are wrong. This is understood. Edited November 23, 2015 by privategal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 When this first started, he used to do more for me but hes always tried to stay away from intercourse. In fact, it was 2 years before we actually did that. Always just oral. And hes had a vasectomy this entire time so pregnancy not really an issue as to why he wouldn't. What? Just oral? Good old blow job for him? This isn't an affair. This is pathetic. You know, I've never had an affair. But, if I were ever so inclined, it wouldn't be to be some dudes oral fb. What in the hell are you doing? Don't you have IRL friends and family to discuss this mess with? This is crap. SMH. Girl, do better. Christ. Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 She nor any of the other posters dont come here for that. So unless the question is "can I get advice on your moral opinion on my infidelity?" you can keep your passive aggressive judgement to yourself. The post said "I need support" An ow beats herself up ALOT. goes through shame, guilt, loss of self esteem, much more. I think her heart is trying to heal and shes fragile and needs a safe place to vent. So hopefully you can find another forum or outlet to post your beliefs and such.. as if you read her story its fizzled and shes trying to move on so even your timing is bad on top of your unsolicited 'advice'. Your not wrong, its just not the topic nor the time. Affairs are wrong. This is understood. Perhaps, but it is presumptuos for you to feel you spek for her. For all you know, the appeal to her sense of decency and pointing out her lack of empathy for the betrayed wife , might aid in motivating her to stop cheating in the future. Just because the advice is unpleasant does not equate to it being unsupportive. You have no standing to advise another poster to go elsewhere just because you do not agree with that poster. Your doing so demonstrates your own sense of entitlement. Link to post Share on other sites
winterkeep Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 (edited) Perhaps, but it is presumptuos for you to feel you spek for her. For all you know, the appeal to her sense of decency and pointing out her lack of empathy for the betrayed wife , might aid in motivating her to stop cheating in the future. Just because the advice is unpleasant does not equate to it being unsupportive. You have no standing to advise another poster to go elsewhere just because you do not agree with that poster. Your doing so demonstrates your own sense of entitlement. Krashi, you may want to demonstrate your 'empathy' elsewhere. The fact is that you are trying to damage a person who is in pain and is seeking help. Regardless of if you agree with her actions she is still a human being who is asking for support- I can't think of any religious, moral or ethical norm that says it's ok to attack someone in this state, even if you're trying to pretend to help her. She is trying to walk away from this affair, do you think belittling her and damaging her fragile self esteem is going to help her gain the strength to walk away from someone she loves? If anything it will make her cling harder. I assume you are going through pain yourself and I'm sorry for that but there are many boards for BS on which you can seek support, spilling vitriol here is not helpful to anyone - I can say this as I was a BS myself. Savannah, you know you need to walk away from him hun. He has used and lied to you and you have every right to be upset. The one thing that will help is for you to walk away with dignity, don't contact his wife, don't let him know you're hurting keep posting here if you need to be heard (and ignore web trolls are not worth listening to!) you will heal eventually but it's going to take some work.Think of this as a great opportunity to finally get rid of the toxicity of an affair and to find something genuine and real. You don't have to worry about anymore lies or manipulation - you're free. Have you read Natalie Lieu's book? Look her up online if not I think you'll find it beneficial. Take care Edited November 23, 2015 by winterkeep Link to post Share on other sites
Krashi Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 We will have to disagree on this, i guess. I do not think pointing to a lack of empathy constitutes an attack. I feel that pointing this out to her may, ultimately, help her. Part of changing involves looking at oneself,IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I forgot it was just BJ and nothing for you and no romance and it gets me so upset. Heres a guy taking his wife on trips pretending to be such a great family man at home and around the office...so entitled and such a jerk that he believes he can just make you perform, then you say your done before his vaca and he was pretty much like "Cool" ugghhh. I know your feeling used and awful...he should feel WORSE. Im just so glad this trip happened for ut at least seemed the catalyst for you to take a long hard look at everything! Hes a disgusting person. I think your going to be ok! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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