To separate or not to separate. . .

[ohjoyitsjulie]

I'm sorry this is long, but it feels good to get it out.

 

My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together for 6 in total as of this past August. Not that it matters, but we're 29 & 30. We've had a decent relationship, with NO history of physical abuse, addiction, etc. Things have changed recently that have caused me to review our relationship history, and it now has me contemplating divorce.

 

This past July, my husband came out as bisexual and brought up the idea of an open relationship. I was hesitant at first, but considering our sex life was lacking (we have very different tastes) and his reassurance, I agreed. I met a guy and things were going well until my husband started becoming extremely jealous. He then told me he lied about what we had discussed, because he never thought I'd end up doing anything. In short, he was OK messing around, but he was not OK with me doing it. Obviously things went downhill from here to the point where he threatened suicide to get me to break it off with the other guy and not leave him. He's in counseling and so am I, but we see separate counselors.

 

Here is my thought process/relationship history: About 2 years into our relationship, my husband was talking to a woman he knew from his past. Things got to the point where he was discussing cheating on me with her, except she lived a few states away. I was hurt, he stopped talking to her, and we tried to move forward. About 4 years into our relationship, my husband was talking to another woman from his past - his first love. They discussed how they both still had feelings for each other and always would, but were both in relationships. My husband told her that he only loved me 60% and still loved her 40%. We were already married at this point, and although I was extremely hurt, he stopped talking to her, and we tried to move forward again. Now here we are yet again 2 years later, and we have the open relationship issue.

 

I feel like there is a pattern to our relationship. One that has me very nervous for our 8th year, should we make it that far. Throughout our relationship, I voiced things I was dissatisfied with in our relationship, (our sex life, how we never really did anything together other then watch TV, how he's impulsive but I give in/comply) but nothing was ever done. He always told me he'd "try" to work on the issues, but then would always make an excuse or find a way to blame me for them. I'm not entirely blameless, I could've tried harder too.

 

I feel like I fell out of love with him during our 4th year when he told the other woman he still loved her. I still do love him and care about him, but I don't think I'm in love with him. Sadly, it's taken this 3rd issue for me to think/realize this. I don't think I ever could love him the way I used to, because I never really got over him telling someone else he loved them. I also think using a suicide threat is extremely selfish, but I know how emotions can get the best of you. My husband was well aware I had an ex use this tactic (he was bipolar and un-medicated), and that I lost a friend to suicide. I don't take this things lightly. Also given the fact the he would manipulate me to get his way with the open relationship, that has me thinking as well.

 

We moved to a new state a year ago and I don't have any friends here - it was just me and him in our little bubble for awhile. We also bought a house in December. In our last fight, he told me to pack my stuff and leave - he even got me the suitcase from our attic. I don't have anywhere to go, other then to quit my current (good) job, college and move back home with my mother - which I don't want to do. I'm torn because I feel like my anger/hurt towards him and the thought of not knowing what to do is clouding my judgement. Neither of us can financially afford to live separate at this time. I'm also still friends with the guy I had started seeing; I do like him, but we don't have feelings for each other in that way. We had a FWB type situation.

 

Things are just a mess and I've never felt so lost before. In a perfect world, I'd just want to be friends with my husband. Roommates. I feel like I need to make a decision, because it's not fair to him. I just don't know what to do. My friends all say I deserve better, my mom tells me she'll love me no matter what I decide, and his family isn't speaking to me (not that they did before this anyway).

[ChicagoSparty]

If you don't have kids, end it and move on.

[S2B]

Can you support yourself by staying at the current job?

 

Why not move out and have your husband stay in the house? Or you stay in the house and he moves out?

 

 

Take on room mates if it helps meet the bills...

 

Separating living environments would help gain clarity in what to do about the marriage.

[ohjoyitsjulie]

We don't have kids, but we each have a dog. Neither of us can afford to live separately at this time. We just financed a house in December, so all of our savings went to that. We also took out a loan to pay for our wedding (2) years ago that's still being paid back jointly.

 

I'm positive he would not leave the house. He's in the same boat as me with not knowing anyone down here and would have to quit his job to move back to his home state. We split the mortgage payment evenly each month as well, so I only have the $350 towards a rent payment. . . which would mean I'd be screwing him on the mortgage payment, which would actually screw both of us. I also can't find anywhere for a girl and her dog to rent for $350 (I'm in NC).

[kgcolonel]

Maybe it's time to pull the plug on this M. Sell the house and move on for both of you. It just doesn't sound like he is able to fully commit to you nor is he able to tolerate the open marriage. You two may make better friends than spouses.

 

No kids and only a dog... Cut your losses.

[S2B]

Take action.

 

File for divorce and sell the house. Start looking for decent rentals where you intend to move.

[ohjoyitsjulie]

I think we'd owe on the house, which we don't have either. I don't want to stay together for financial reasons, but neither of us can afford rent solo. I'm afraid to ask him for a divorce without having anywhere to go, because I don't want to fight with him daily or have him try to kick me out. I want to try and be adult about it all, but I don't see it going that way.

 

At the moment, we're both sleeping in separate rooms and pretty much avoid each other. When we do share a common room (living room, kitchen), we're civil, but don't really talk.

[Mr. Lucky]

This past July, my husband came out as bisexual and brought up the idea of an open relationship.

 

Your H wants an open relationship in the same way every other cheater does - have his cake and eat it too. That some of his side relationships would be same-sex is irrelevant. You should have never agreed for reasons which are now obvious - it doesn't address the original problem.

 

Given your financial situation and his instability, I'd be tempted to lock my door, stay there and just live life. I'd guess there will be events coming soon that will make your choices either clearer or mandatory...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ohjoyitsjulie]

I'm trying to handle things like an adult, because I do still care about him. I know he doesn't have anywhere to go and since the house is in both our names, I can't just lock him out. I'd hope he would show the courtesy towards me.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't just lock him out. I'd hope he would show the courtesy towards me.

 

Sorry, should have been more clear.

 

I meant lock the door to your room and continue with your work and school.

 

Unfortunately, people in his situation tend to do unpredictable things that force specific outcomes. Regardless of your plans, that might be the next step for you...

 

Mr. Lucky