Leaving Him is like Leaving a Cult

[MeAgain]

Hello, I'll try to make this brief but it's so long and involved.

 

We're both 41 years old. I have a serious and life long illness that showed up 5 years ago and it almost killed me this year. I own a house that I bought in his city for us to move in together, but we are not married. I decided to sell this year because I can no longer deal with his perpetual immaturity. I was more established at 15 years old than he is at 41. Put it this way....his father and mother were still cashing his cheques up until June (when they moved to another province). He never provided a cent to the downpayment and is the most laziest man I have ever known. He lies to his family though and makes it out like he is a workhorse. He's done nothing for me except make me carry him and fight with him to shower and help me around the house, or pay me rent, or go to work (he calls in sick all of the time).

 

We have not been intimate in EIGHT years. He has such poor hygiene that when I was in the ICU this year he was kicked out of the hospital family room (where he was sleeping) due to his stench. My entire family, my workmates and friends, all commented on how badly he smelled. I have not allowed him to touch me in years because he refused to brush his teeth or shower despite being very blunt about how that was a dealbreaker for me.

 

He lied about his finances. He lied about even working regularly. I didn't find out the scope of this until I had committed to a 10 year mortgage and counted on his false wages (he lied about that, too). It was only when I had to take him to Revenue Canada because is SIN number was dormant for so many years and they wanted to see him in person to make sure he was alive and the one claiming income under his SIN number that it dawned on me. This guy was a loser and I was TOTALLY and utterly taken in by him.

 

We had only seen each other on weekends for 2 years so it was easy for him to hide most of the truth from me and I was too naive to even think to look for stuff like this. I have never known or been like someone like him.

 

So now that I've sold the home, his family seems to think he's been wronged. I'm the one that nearly died from the stress of managing the house myself and asking him for help, from cleaning to helping hang wallpaper, was a fight for the entire 8 years. His family is under the misguided impression he owns half the house despite not putting a cent down on it. They seem to think I owed him a lifestyle and that his rent he paid me for his room and board was really toward the mortgage. Not so.

 

So I had to go offline because his aunts made comments about "poor XXX" not having a say in any of this (the sale of the house). I told them on my page (I was suckered into explaining myself at first) that I nearly died and as such was under doctor's orders to simplify my life, and plus the illness wiped me out financially. The response was "life is tough....but what about poor XXX. We just feel like we needed to be his voice for him.". I responded that it was not their place and my FB page was an inappropriate venue, not to mention how ridiculous it is to hear two women trying to be the "voice" for a 41 year old man in good health. I removed them from FB and temporarily deactivated my account.

 

He is picking fights with me and I am at risk of ending back in the hospital as my health is seriously bad and my stress level is through the roof. He is trying to gaslight me, trying to say I've said things when I never did and arguing with me over little things. I am either going to end up back in a coma or in a mental ward. Not sure which yet. I can't take it anymore.

 

His mother, as I've come to find out, is coming to town on Monday. This was a secret kept from me. My move is on Tuesday. That spells trouble. I know this has started because of her. He so childlike because his family did everything for him. That's why I wrote in the title that leaving him is like trying to leave a cult.

 

I am going crazy. This situation I am in is so bizarre. I am going to ask him to leave permanently on Saturday and if his mother/family show up to disrupt my move I am calling the police.

 

I just need some support and a place to vent. I cannot believe the hellstorm it has become to take control of my life. I am leaving him because I am never going to be intimate with him again, I am too resentful of the way he's been, his family is too involved, and they seem to just want my money (of which I have none). I was hoping to tell him after we moved (he is moving in with family as am I with my family - me temporarily). I think they know it's over.

 

I nearly died because of the stress of living with someone I disliked, feeling stuck financially, and being berated into feeling badly if I looked after myself. Now that I'm taking my control back, they are really leaning on me hard.

 

They want my money - for him. They are under the incorrect presumption that he is entitled to anything. He is not. That is ALL that they care about. These people are parasites living off of the government dole in one way or another. I come from limited means but we all worked hard for what we have.

 

Has anyone had such problems with extended family of someone they are breaking it off with? No doubt this post is disjointed and bizarre. I am not in the right frame of mind. I am scared. I am ill. And I think I am being abused.

[S2B]

Take care of yourself.

 

 

You may find yourself healthy when the toxic people and drama are removed from your life.

 

 

You can create distance from all of it. Even Mom. Tell her to stay away if that's best for you. Get moved and get settled by keeping the drama far away.

[MeAgain]

Yes, I do plan on letting him and his family know that their presence during my moving day will not be received well. I also just got off the phone with the police as I wanted some advice. Even writing this out has helped me. This is the most dysfunctional and bizarre situation that I have ever found myself in as an adult. I am simply not going to tolerate this.

[MeAgain]

I have to wonder if I've posted my problem in the wrong forum given that there are 100 reads and 1 response from someone other than me.

[minimariah]

i've been in your situation.

 

one thing i've learned - you can't reason with people like these. you can't communicate through the problem with them and no matter how much you try to explain it to them... they won't get it.

 

so my advice -- give your partner this time until Sunday to move out. if he doesn't move out on that day -- call the cops.

 

if anyone from his family contacts you - tell them that you feel unsafe and that you will report them for harrassment if they don't stop. if they continue, keep and screenshoot those texts and take them as proof to the cops.

 

strict NC, block them EVERYWHERE & that's pretty much it.

 

TRUST ME - everything less than that? they won't leave you alone. it's hard but eventually they will move on when gets someone new.

 

i know how exhausting the entire situation is - so take care of yourself. do something for you, take care of your health and try to make your days as happy as possible.

[MeAgain]

Thank you so much for giving your thoughts. I absolutely agree with you. This will have to be a hard break. Things have calmed down some since I posted this but that's because I've gone against everything I stand for and have lied, or acted, my way out of their suspicions. I've cried (maybe I ought to take up acting) and I've consoled.

 

 

But I have to bite my tongue every minute because he is needling me still. I have the countdown clock in my head. Five days left. I look around my house and it's a mess. Not just from the moving but it genuinely looks like it was uncared for, and it wasn't cared for. I can see how I died inside when I moved in here 8 years ago. Eventually moving to the couch to sleep (kicked out of my own bedroom) because of his stench. I was sad. This is not the way I was brought up to live. It's no wonder that I almost died.

[minimariah]

Five days left.

 

you don't have to wait that long - give him until Sunday. two or three days is PLENTY for someone to gather their things and move out. he has his family so he can be with them until he figures out what next.

 

the entire situation is incredibly draining -- my then partner was suffering from depression and i couldn't take it anymore. i was already feeling guilty but him & his parents (and friends) made that guilt unbearable.

 

until one day, i realized - i have nothing to feel guilty about. i have my limits and i shouldn't feel guilt for recognizing them and moving on when it became too much.

 

one other thing -- my then partner and his parents weren't bad people. they never insulted me or even raised their voices at me -- but they were harrassing me by heavily disrespecting my boundaries. so EYE looked like a crazy person when i finally threatened to report them to the authorities if they don't leave me alone.

 

harrassment has many faces and other people shouldn't cross your personal boundaries. stay strong and firm and don't let them guilt trip you or make you feel bad for taking care of YOU.

 

do whatever you need to get rid of them - those are emotional vampires and i know you feel like you're caught in some invisible net by them and can't get free. it's super draining -- which is why strict break of all contact is needed.

 

good luck!

Edited November 13, 2015 by minimariah

[Ms. Faust]

Does Canada have common law marriages? How long have you all lived together? To me this sounds like it should be a clean break. You're not married and your finances are not co-mingled. House is sold, you are moving and the relationship is over. His mother has no voice in the matter. What is left that he could do? Sounds like he has no recourse.

[MeAgain]

you don't have to wait that long - give him until Sunday. two or three days is PLENTY for someone to gather their things and move out. he has his family so he can be with them until he figures out what next.

 

the entire situation is incredibly draining -- my then partner was suffering from depression and i couldn't take it anymore. i was already feeling guilty but him & his parents (and friends) made that guilt unbearable.

 

until one day, i realized - i have nothing to feel guilty about. i have my limits and i shouldn't feel guilt for recognizing them and moving on when it became too much.

 

one other thing -- my then partner and his parents weren't bad people. they never insulted me or even raised their voices at me -- but they were harrassing me by heavily disrespecting my boundaries. so EYE looked like a crazy person when i finally threatened to report them to the authorities if they don't leave me alone.

 

harrassment has many faces and other people shouldn't cross your personal boundaries. stay strong and firm and don't let them guilt trip you or make you feel bad for taking care of YOU.

 

do whatever you need to get rid of them - those are emotional vampires and i know you feel like you're caught in some invisible net by them and can't get free. it's super draining -- which is why strict break of all contact is needed.

 

good luck!

 

You just described my situation exactly. They are incredibly one-sided and think he walks on water. The women in his family, from aunts to cousins, think they have the right to interject into our life and give me orders on what I should do to make his life better - never mind mine. I am done with it all and yes I will be cutting off contact as soon as I am safe.

 

 

He is moving his stuff tomorrow and I think that I am going to stop staying here as of tomorrow night as well. I'll just come here to work to get the packing finished. I can't kick him out because it will alert him to the fact that we are over. If he knows that for sure I will have him harassing me and his family and while I can call the cops, I am so fragile physically that I can't deal with it. But, by me not being here (nor the cats) he will have no reason to be here either. Besides I need to be with family. My sister and brother in law have kept me afloat during all of this.

[MeAgain]

Does Canada have common law marriages? How long have you all lived together? To me this sounds like it should be a clean break. You're not married and your finances are not co-mingled. House is sold, you are moving and the relationship is over. His mother has no voice in the matter. What is left that he could do? Sounds like he has no recourse.

 

Yes, yes and you are correct. Legally this should be a clean break. He is entitled to nothing, but his family are ignorant to that fact. We are not married. Common Law in this jurisdiction does not give equal assets. He provided nothing but his rent. His mother and family should have no voice but this is where they violate my boundaries. Since I told her that I would not marry her son while he is 41 years old and she is still cashing his paycheques because he is irresponsible regarding his bank account, it's been hell. They kept that from me (and everyone else).

[jakrbbt]

You can handle this. I see you moving out, dealing with or forcefully ignoring some tantrums, responsibly caring for your own physical illness, and healing from an unhealthy past with this guy.

 

Remember that you aren't weak. These people have possibly ingrained in you a fear of weakness, helplessness, and guilt. All illusory. Don't think you almost died because of them. You've been in a horrible situation yes, but you're one of the ones meant to thrive. Don't fear weakness. His or yours. You counter weakness with responsibility-- and you're doing that, by moving out and taking care of your illness and your life.

 

It feels so threatening when family backs up a guy thinking you owe him your livelihood. That's their issue. When you deal with the paper tigers, you'll come out feeling stronger and more sane.

[MeAgain]

Thank you so much for the vote of confidence!

 

 

Yes, I'll make it through. I really needed to vent to people that are not already seething at him (my sister). As I'm leaving it's as though a soft filter was removed from my eyes and I see things is such stark reality. This 8 year nightmare is almost over.

[sandylee1]

Ho

 

I stopped reading after the bit about him being kicked out of the hospital because he stank. How embarrassing........ if a man isn't going to raise my standard of living....he better not bring it down. This guy is nothing but a liability.

 

You'd be better off employing a carer get rid of this smelly, lazy parasite.

[MeAgain]

Ho

 

I stopped reading after the bit about him being kicked out of the hospital because he stank. How embarrassing........ if a man isn't going to raise my standard of living....he better not bring it down. This guy is nothing but a liability.

 

You'd be better off employing a carer get rid of this smelly, lazy parasite.

 

When I woke up, I apparently said just that....that I was embarrassed.