chicagoj Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 First post here, and it's going to be long so please bare with me... Here's the situation. Back in August of this year (2015) I left my wife of eight years. We have two children together, ages two and six. I left her the house, the extra car, and everything else - all I took with me was "my" car, my books, clothes, and various electronics. I also immediately began paying her a weekly child support amount that was higher than required. The reason I left was because I thought that I could no longer take the issues that we were constantly dealing with - poor communication was the biggest issue we faced (and looking back where our other "problems" most likely came from). I moved in with a friend, paying him rent, made arrangements to see my kids (not nearly enough, mind you) three to four times per week, and tried to go about my normal routine. I've since come to realize that I made a terrible mistake and so I reached out to her out of the blue about a month ago (as of this writing) to see if she was open to possibly "dating" - to get together now and again to talk, and to see if we couldn't fix this rift that had developed between us. Roughly two months had already passed and she immediately told me things like "when you left I didn't ever see us getting back together" and "I don't know if you realize how big of a mountain you'd have to climb". I said that I realized that and that I was more than willing to do whatever was necessary to try and fix things. So, again as of this writing, we've been talking back and forth for about a month but she's very guarded. On top of this, as soon as I left her very controlling mother came into the house and began dropping a lot of money on repairs/items for the house. Once her mother found out that we were talking again about -possibly- getting back together, the mega-drama began. Understand that my wife has been under her mother's thumb for all her life and tiptoes around her about everything. And I do mean everything. In the last month my wife and I have talked very openly about many of the problems our marriage has had and I began seeing a therapist a couple of weeks ago by myself to sort out some issues that I've had, and it deal with this separation. My wife originally went to one as well but she didn't like the therapist so that ended rather quickly. She's agreed to come to therapy with me (to the doctor I am currently seeing) after I've been going for a bit, which I am fine with as well, but I still can't shake these negative feeling that I have - doubt for the future being the primary feeling. I have difficulty sleeping, eating, and I cannot get enjoyment from any of the activities that I used to enjoy. None of my friends have ever been through anything like this so talking to them about things, which I have tried numerous times, really gets me nowhere except even more upset. I can literally be riding high and elated one moment and then the next feel nothing but severe depression (for the record I have no history of mental illness). When we began talking again about possibly getting back together we agreed not to talk about this sort of thing in front of the kids (which we've stuck by very well) so I have very little time to talk to her about how I am feeling or how we might be able to overcome the problems we had previously. On top of this, her mother (read above, controlling) is over at the house with her almost every day pissing in her ear about getting back to me and making her feel bad about all the money she's spent on the house since I've left (which she did on her own, without anyone asking for I might add). I do not know how to combat this situation. I know that she needs to see someone, a therapist for example, but she's so afraid of her own mother and hurting her feelings that she basically just goes along with whatever she wants her to do. I've kept my mouth shut about her mom, even when she's told me the negative things she's said about me. I have tried to frame it in a positive light like saying - "well she's afraid too" or/and "some people deal with situations different than others", but I am too the point that her mother is just going to talk my wife into filing for a divorce. This is long enough already but I am sure that I've left some things out of my story here. I am just looking for different views or maybe even individuals who've had to go through this sort of situation before. Any thought/advice/whatever is appreciated. -j Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Here's the situation. Back in August of this year (2015) I left my wife of eight years. We have two children together, ages two and six. I left her the house, the extra car, and everything else - all I took with me was "my" car, my books, clothes, and various electronics. I also immediately began paying her a weekly child support amount that was higher than required. The reason I left was because I thought that I could no longer take the issues that we were constantly dealing with - poor communication was the biggest issue we faced (and looking back where our other "problems" most likely came from). I moved in with a friend, paying him rent, made arrangements to see my kids (not nearly enough, mind you) three to four times per week, and tried to go about my normal routine. I've since come to realize that I made a terrible mistake and so I reached out to her out of the blue about a month ago (as of this writing) to see if she was open to possibly "dating" - to get together now and again to talk, and to see if we couldn't fix this rift that had developed between us. Roughly two months had already passed and she immediately told me things like "when you left I didn't ever see us getting back together" and "I don't know if you realize how big of a mountain you'd have to climb". I said that I realized that and that I was more than willing to do whatever was necessary to try and fix things. To put it bluntly, sounds like you bailed . Was there someone else - female friend or coworker - involved as a friend, confidant or potential lure? Why no effort to use MC to fix your communication problems? Having left prematurely, your wife (and her mother ) may be afraid of having you come back on the same basis... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author chicagoj Posted November 11, 2015 Author Share Posted November 11, 2015 To put it bluntly, sounds like you bailed . Was there someone else - female friend or coworker - involved as a friend, confidant or potential lure? Why no effort to use MC to fix your communication problems? Having left prematurely, your wife (and her mother ) may be afraid of having you come back on the same basis... Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky, Thanks for the reply. And yes, you're correct, I did bail. There wasn't another woman involved and there haven't been since we've been apart. I screwed up big, I've had three months to ponder it over and over every which way that I can think of. My wife admits that she was partly responsible for the problems we faced in our marriage, but in the end I was the bad guy who left. I realize that and also realize that she is afraid of having the same thing happen again. Afraid of having me come back and live with her and the kids and then take off again at a later date. I believe that this experience has shown me a better way, however. Has shown me the great thing that I had and threw away so easily. Until I began seeing a therapist alone I always imagined MC being something like this: The couple goes into a room with a complete stranger and basically talks about all the things that they dislike about one another. End story, the couple ends up leaving the room feeling even more miserable towards one another than before. I can see just by going alone now though that that isn't what therapy is all about. I wish I had known sooner. -j Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts