Author Mom22Boys Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Mom22boys I'm sorry he's still not talking. At least he's listening when you tell him you love him. Perhaps there were things about his relationship with her that you don't know (sex?) and as a 17 year old kid can't tell his mom. He probably also thinks that some how you will blame him if he tells you the details. Everybody but him knows you would never blame him & it's NOT his fault but right now he's busy beating himself up & feeling guilty. Keep hanging on. It's going to be a long hard road. Well he told me when he gave up his virginity to her. So I don't know feel lost. They think he can go home next week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 He is 17. 17 year olds do not usually open up to their parents, and as everyone has said, he is traumatized and does not feel like talking. Please do not pressure him. He doesn't need any more pressure. He doesn't need to feel that he's making his mom sad because he's not sharing. Right now, I know it's hard, but your role is to be the strong steady rock of the family who keeps all the plates in the air and is strong for him but not pushy. One of my roommates had just had a bad fight with her high school bf that got violent when he went and got killed in a car wreck. It took a long time for her to tell me about it decades later. It's too painful. It's easier to talk to the psychologists, someone neutral. That's all he needs now. Not trying to make him feel worse, Just want to what he is thinking and feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 It's tought, but be thankful she wasn't on the bike with him. I know it's selfish but I wish my son hadn't been out that night would of avoided a lot of pain. Son is still recovering from his injuries from that wreck and now all of this. They think next week he might be able to come home. May I ask why they think he's ready to go home? He may be healing from his physical injuries, but emotionally and mentally is he stable enough and is it safe for him to leave? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Not trying to make him feel worse, Just want to what he is thinking and feeling. When and if he's ready he'll open up to you about that..Or maybe he won't. Maybe it's easier for him (for now) to talk to a therapist and be vulnerable in a safe setting. Your love and being there for him is enough and he knows he can rely on you if need be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Mom22boys I do feel your pain & frustration. Because you "know" that if he would just talk to you, that you could help. But he's in so much pain he doesn't know that. Did you ever get knocked over by a wave in the ocean? All that churning water, you don't know which was is up & you feel like you are drowning? That is part of what it feels like inside his head right now. Think back to the worst thing that happened to you as a teen. Think about how hard it was to talk to your parents because "they just wouldn't understand". Now magnify that by 1,000. Let the doctors do their jobs. Keep loving him & most importantly, take care of yourself. You will be there long after the doctors but give your son time & I mean LOTS of it. If he opens up to year within the year, consider yourself lucky. As bad as this is, this next year of 1sts will be bad too -- their dating anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's Day, prom, the anniversary of her passing. It's all going to churn this around. You gotta take it one day at a time or it will be too overwhelming. Heck, I'm depressed for you just thinking about it. hugs 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Not trying to make him feel worse, Just want to what he is thinking and feeling. That's pressure. Don't you think that when and if he feels like sharing that with you, he can do that on his own without your prompting him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 5, 2015 Author Share Posted December 5, 2015 Mom22boys I do feel your pain & frustration. Because you "know" that if he would just talk to you, that you could help. But he's in so much pain he doesn't know that. Did you ever get knocked over by a wave in the ocean? All that churning water, you don't know which was is up & you feel like you are drowning? That is part of what it feels like inside his head right now. Think back to the worst thing that happened to you as a teen. Think about how hard it was to talk to your parents because "they just wouldn't understand". Now magnify that by 1,000. Let the doctors do their jobs. Keep loving him & most importantly, take care of yourself. You will be there long after the doctors but give your son time & I mean LOTS of it. If he opens up to year within the year, consider yourself lucky. As bad as this is, this next year of 1sts will be bad too -- their dating anniversary, Christmas, Valentine's Day, prom, the anniversary of her passing. It's all going to churn this around. You gotta take it one day at a time or it will be too overwhelming. Heck, I'm depressed for you just thinking about it. hugs Thank you, Just trying to support him in the best ways I can. I am doing fine . Just preparing for him to come home on Friday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 Did your husband & other son return safely from TX? Perhaps the little guy can cheer up his brother or at least keep him a bit distracted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 5, 2015 Author Share Posted December 5, 2015 Yes, Thank you for asking. Not sure about taking him to see his brother in the place that he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 6, 2015 Author Share Posted December 6, 2015 Didn't take my other son today, Probably a good idea son wasn't in the best if mindsets today. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Hi Mom, thinking of you this morning. It must be very difficult that your son won't share with you. That he is unwilling to share at this time is not unusual....but I know as a mother that you want him to. My daughter is ok, she cries a lot and is distraught.....yet her grief behavior is 'normal' to the extent that it is predictable/manageable. I would feel more worried as you and your medical team do about your son if she was not gushing her pain. It comes and goes in waves. Friday next your son will be home? I assume outpatient therapy will proceed with strict monitoring? Has he been stabilized with antidepressants? Do your husband and yourself have a plan for your entire family regarding therapy, environmental stimuli and monitoring/observing/reporting set up? I'm sorry for all the questions, I understand the stress your family is under. I believe that time, stability and your love will bring progress and he will get better. You are being amazing....please make sure you are caring for yourself to keep strength. Thoughts and prayers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 Didn't take my other son today, Probably a good idea son wasn't in the best if mindsets today. I'm really sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 I agree with Timshel that total family therapy needs to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 7, 2015 Author Share Posted December 7, 2015 He will be seeing at therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist every other week Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 Son admitted his girlfriend was pregnant and they hadn't told us because of how scared they were. So that's an entirely new layer ontop of all of the other pain. I don't know if I should tell her parents about this. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Son admitted his girlfriend was pregnant and they hadn't told us because of how scared they were. So that's an entirely new layer ontop of all of the other pain. I don't know if I should tell her parents about this. Omg. How sad. I think the girl's parents should know but I don't know if you're the one who should tell them. You've got enough on your plate. Is this something you could convey to someone else so that they can tell them? I know it seems pointless and even hurtful to tell them but, if it were my child, I would want to know. Have they asked about your son, or do they even know how he's doing? This tragedy just gets sadder and sadder, doesn't it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 By family therapy, I mean you and your husband and siblings also need to be all together in therapy so you understand and know how to cope with what your son is going through. It probably wouldn't last long. But I am actually shocked that they have not brought you in on his therapy yet or let you know it's coming. If the doctors didn't discover the pregnancy, then I would leave it alone. If the doctors discovered it, then they will notify her family. Stay away from that. It will only get messy with fingerpointing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 Omg. How sad. I think the girl's parents should know but I don't know if you're the one who should tell them. You've got enough on your plate. Is this something you could convey to someone else so that they can tell them? I know it seems pointless and even hurtful to tell them but, if it were my child, I would want to know. Have they asked about your son, or do they even know how he's doing? This tragedy just gets sadder and sadder, doesn't it? No they don't know about all this. Just don't know how much good telling them will do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 8, 2015 Author Share Posted December 8, 2015 By family therapy, I mean you and your husband and siblings also need to be all together in therapy so you understand and know how to cope with what your son is going through. It probably wouldn't last long. But I am actually shocked that they have not brought you in on his therapy yet or let you know it's coming. If the doctors didn't discover the pregnancy, then I would leave it alone. If the doctors discovered it, then they will notify her family. Stay away from that. It will only get messy with fingerpointing. Well she is buried now and they never told us anything so I don't think they know. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Well she is buried now and they never told us anything so I don't think they know. Take care of your family now Mom. Leave it be....everyone in this situation needs time. Leave it alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Son admitted his girlfriend was pregnant and they hadn't told us because of how scared they were. So that's an entirely new layer ontop of all of the other pain. I don't know if I should tell her parents about this. Holy cow. Your son lost his GF & his child. This just gets worse & worse. Assure him that pregnant was a happy thing & you would have supported him. He now probably feels like they were being "punished" or something for having sex or worse if they talked about terminating the pregnancy. I am not taking a stance on abortion; I am merely suggesting ways that his brain may have gone. mom22boys You & his doctors have your work cut out for you. FWIW, I don't think you need to be the one to tell the girl's parents. I suppose you could ask your son what he wants. If there's a possibility that the parents will react badly, keep the secret she took to her grave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mom22Boys Posted December 9, 2015 Author Share Posted December 9, 2015 Thank you and we really do, it's a struggle and one I hope we can somehow beat. I know it's going to be a long process with some bumps in the road but I a am hopeful we can do it. Husband has been more helpful and understanding as of late. So that has truly been a great relief. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 No they don't know about all this. Just don't know how much good telling them will do. Yeah, in retrospect all it will do is add to the pain. I think there's enough of that going around. This news would really break their hearts even more. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Yeah, in retrospect all it will do is add to the pain. I think there's enough of that going around. This news would really break their hearts even more. But they have a right to know. Hiding it and omitting the truth from them is not cool at all. They are adults and as painful as it will be hearing that their daughter was pregnant, they need to know. They find out later and realize nobody told them and you all hid it, they're gonna be more upset and angry too. Link to post Share on other sites
cichlid Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 They were teenagers with a child on the way and they didn't tell their parents? That's wrong on so many levels although at this point it doesn't really matter although once your son has recovered this needs to be discussed. Link to post Share on other sites
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