GF Past and SO present - Jealous and/or affected

[elfman]

After 3 years divorced, I come back to Loveshack.org for some advice, and thank all of you for the help back then, and whatever insight you can give me now.

 

I have a 2 year relationship with my GF, (I am 38, she is 33). We did not know eachother until we started dating but we basically know the same people or “social circle”, (its strange that we did not meet in the past but probably saw eachother many times). The issue for me started when I realized my GF does not initiate intimacy with me (99.9% of times it is I that initiates). I am a very sexual person, but only like to have sex with my Significant Other, and have never cheated on any relationship. I do need it daily, maybe even more than once, but I need it with her.

 

After that, my GF started to make me feel like she did not want/need sex as often, and that it was sort of a chore, so some of my initiations were refused. I always try to make sex enjoyable for her, sometimes rough, sometimes lovingly, playing all the cards and actually LEARNING what she likes. This led to me letting my imagination run with thoughts of her past, and to start actually finding out about it. She has not been very open about her past, volunteering only bits of information and staying quiet when I probe the subject intelligently, as if speaking of someone we both know or some situation I know is alike one she was in. As I said, knowing the same circle of people actually made finding out about her past very easy… I did not openly ask, but rather put 2 and 2 together on some occasions. I found out she even slept with a married guy whose wife lived abroad, and also a guy with a 6 year girlfriend whom she knew.

 

My estimate is, regrettably, that she has had over 25 past sex partners… Some of them I know well, some of them are acquaintances at best. Her “number” does not bother me as much as the fact that she has only had 7 steady relationships prior to me, so if her number was 10, I would have no issues with it. The problem for me is that I keep having to work my ass off for sex with her, having to plan it, seek it, make it happen as if it were a chore for her, and in the back of my mind I have the knowledge that she easily gave it up to around 20 guys that meant nothing to her… even married guys, guys with gf’s, of whom she KNEW there would be no future by screwing, so she basically screwed them out of lust (which is what she is not showing with me). She has said that for the first time in her life she is “at peace” in a relationship, that I am a source of “control” and “steadiness”. To be honest, I’d much rather be called a bastard and a stud, among other things, than that… it hurts my ego to think that she may not be attracted to me as much as she was to those other guys she slept with (I’ve told her without nagging that should she not find me attractive we should call it quits, but that I need initiation, upon which she does initiate a couple of times and then goes back to normal).

 

Also, after 4 months of dating, she told me she was super-surprised to find out she has HPV, (which of course I probably already have too from sleeping with her)… I do not know if she feigned surprise or if she knew she had it beforehand, but I do know that one of those past guys gave it to her, and thus, to me. I was very supportive of it and even told her not to worry about giving it to me, but now, it just adds to the mess in my head and pisses me off more.

 

She speaks of marriage a lot, and I’ve thought about it (she spends 6 days of the week with me at my place, the other day at her parent’s). She is a great woman and I love her, but I cannot lie to myself about the fact that after my divorce, I would never stay with a woman that did not appreciate me completely (especially sexually). I am a good provider, I live on my own and work a lot to have financial stability, am a good father, am a good lover, (she orgasms first every time, or fakes it very well), I am in shape, practice sports regularly, am well endowed (since that may be a comment some idiot comes back with), and I am loyal to a fault. It pisses me off that she would be “all tapped out” on the sex department from screwing around like crazy with guys that never valued her, (most of them are now married and with kids, and none of them chose her for that), and she would not be completely adventurous and open about sexuality with me, who promise to take care of her in every possible way.

 

I sometimes have to go places where I KNOW there are guys that she slept with and to be honest I’ve had to control myself to not be a complete a..hole with these guys… (even stop myself from jumping on them… I am a 4th dan karateka, having practiced for 25 years, and am quick to lose my temper from disrespect), some of them I like as people, some of them I cannot even say hi to.

 

The fact is these feelings and images and facts about her past haunt me… I am trying to be smart about it and even a little hypocritical, whenever I feel like calling her out on the no-sex-tonight bull****, I play extra-nice and act like I am completely crazy, cuddling, making her dinner, etc… in my reasoning, that way I do not show insecurity (which is a vicious cycle of unatractiveness that leads to more insecurity, I know this from my divorce).

 

I will not marry her until I resolve this issue, thats for sure. (Even if I do, I will still wait a couple of years).

 

Thanks for any insight.

 

E.

[sandylee1]

You are 38, but some of your comments sound a bit immature.

 

You want sex everyday....just because she has had 25 lovers..it doesn't mean she slept with them every day during the relationship.

 

I do think the fact that she had no issue being the OW twice says something about her character. If she sleeps with a MM... she has no respect for marriage and supports cheating....bear that in mind.

 

If she's not initiating to your desire and fades into her usual pattern...which you find unacceptable....then why not call it quits. If it seems like a chore. ..and you've decided post divorce that this isn't acceptable...You've nowhere to go.

 

I find that men initiate a lot in relationships...but you give the impression that she's not that into it.

 

BTW ...everyday would be too much for most people.

[Floveet]

Well .. I will disagree a bit with the previous post.

 

I am kind of in a similar situation.

 

Having a high sex drive BUT only with my SO. It has always been like that.

More feelings i have, more i will want it. Even twice/3 times a day if it was possible.

Not just for the sex, but to create a story, something great to share TOGETHER.

 

However, I find myself facing a wall. A wall of promises, understanding but that come back to the same point leaving me empty and not knowing anymore what to do.

 

So ... In fact, i am searching as much answers as you do.

 

I do not think that what he said is immature !

 

In fact, the fact that she had 25 lovers and more or less.. Is not the problem obviously.

He is asking himself if maybe she was just unleashing herself more with them. But now that she found peace with him, she can finally control that.

 

Am i right ?

 

For me, she finally admitted that in fact she never met a guy that initiated with gentle sex. She never knew it before (she's 24). ALL the guys she met just tended to come, touch her, go inside, finish and thank you.

 

I find that really sad.

[lolablue17]

It's difficult to find a good match in all aspects with the same person. Some you can have sexual matching, but discrepancies in character, or goals in life, and so and so...

 

She probably came to a stage in which she's looking for a stable man, marriage material, and the lack of lust is a price she is willing to pay (She thinks). Sex is not first priority for her, and she thinks she will not find anyone better than you in other aspects.

 

It means that she wants you very much, but it also means you might never get over your jealousy and inferiority against other men she's been with.

 

For me sex attraction is very important in marriage and I can't imagine any situation in which i'll want to be be someone who isn't attracted to me.

[elfman]

You are 38, but some of your comments sound a bit immature.

 

I agree. It bothers me terribly that at this point in my life I can actually succumb to the "past" jealousy deal, but it is happening.

 

When I say "Every day" I mean it. I would love to have sex with her every day, but I do not force it on her. I understand that she may have a lower sex drive/be tired/want sleep, etc. I try to set myself up for success when I initiate, (ie. glass of wine, foot massage, foreplay, etc), and I try to gauge her mood before even trying.

 

However, I do feel like it is a load of work to be thinking of all this when that part of a healthy relationship should come naturally.

 

Yes, I would think that if things do not change, we are doomed to failure.

 

Thanks for the input!

 

E.

[elfman]

In fact, the fact that she had 25 lovers and more or less.. Is not the problem obviously.

He is asking himself if maybe she was just unleashing herself more with them. But now that she found peace with him, she can finally control that.

 

Yes! That is completely right... I hate the theory, but I feel like maybe Alpha Fux / Beta Bux is kinda what I am feeling... I feel like she did her thing and had a wild time before, and now is simply "settling down"... My opionion on this is "YES! By all means settle down, but ALSO be wild with ME"... In other words, the whole Lady on the Track and Whore on the Sack deal would be very appealing...

 

I am not asking her for weird stuff like threesomes, I am simply asking for more activity on her part, more adventure... To me, if she is not "completely out of control" with me, something is lacking...

 

Thank you for your understanding, and I too feel saddened by your mention of your SO not know what a loving initiation can be... Sometimes I wish women understood men a little better, especially our ability to screw someone physically and literally... they would value sex much more as a tool to communicate love and not just the act itself.

 

E.

[elfman]

It's difficult to find a good match in all aspects with the same person. Some you can have sexual matching, but discrepancies in character, or goals in life, and so and so...

 

She probably came to a stage in which she's looking for a stable man, marriage material, and the lack of lust is a price she is willing to pay (She thinks). Sex is not first priority for her, and she thinks she will not find anyone better than you in other aspects.

 

It means that she wants you very much, but it also means you might never get over your jealousy and inferiority against other men she's been with.

 

For me sex attraction is very important in marriage and I can't imagine any situation in which i'll want to be be someone who isn't attracted to me.

 

Well, she may be attracted to me, but not as much as to lose control... you know what I mean?

 

Anyone who says sex/passion/lust is not important has not been married NOR been divorced... I find that everything can be perfect in all other aspects, but if sex is an issue, it will drive a relationship directly to a cliff...

 

Tonight is "Date Night"... We do this every week, she cooks one week, I cook another, and we shut down our phones and unwind... I might talk to her about this tonight if I can order my thoughts to make it come out as a concern and not a whining complaint... any pointers?

 

E.

[smackie9]

I don't get why you spent 2 years on a relationship where she didn't match your sexual needs. You can't force a person's libido to match yours. It is what it is. Lets face it, you both are not sexually compatible. Stop dating her.

[elfman]

Not just for the sex, but to create a story, something great to share TOGETHER.

 

I use sex as the ultimate way to tell someone how much I love them... it has always been like that... To get it out of the way, I've been with 12 women in my life (not counting non-intercourse)... maybe a low number, but when it happened it happened as more than the act itself...

 

I have never been an active player, and that is a choice... I value other stuff more than just screwing anyone I can... I like to make an impact on a woman's life, dazzle her... have a good conversation, and in essence make HER be the one wanting to screw my brains out... that's what gets me off... at 38, I cannot change that.

 

E.

[sandylee1]

I don't think she's the one for you. Asides from the sexual compatibility ....her morals don't match yours. Don't get married to her.

[elfman]

I don't get why you spent 2 years on a relationship where she didn't match your sexual needs. You can't force a person's libido to match yours. It is what it is. Lets face it, you both are not sexually compatible. Stop dating her.

 

Thanks for the input. Well, I would not say "completely" sexually incompatible... its more of an issue of initiation/quantity than quality... But I DO see your point, I will have to end this sooner rather than later... I would hate to waste time and find myself at that place right before they cheat on you and tell myself "I knew better".

 

Sad to have this happen, I do value her, but I cannot go on while thinking that incompatibility will eventually bite my ass.

 

E.

[Floveet]

Well, she may be attracted to me, but not as much as to lose control... you know what I mean?

 

Anyone who says sex/passion/lust is not important has not been married NOR been divorced... I find that everything can be perfect in all other aspects, but if sex is an issue, it will drive a relationship directly to a cliff...

 

Tonight is "Date Night"... We do this every week, she cooks one week, I cook another, and we shut down our phones and unwind... I might talk to her about this tonight if I can order my thoughts to make it come out as a concern and not a whining complaint... any pointers?

 

E.

 

So ... How did it go ?

[JS84]

You guys aren't compatible. Move on.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Also, after 4 months of dating, she told me she was super-surprised to find out she has HPV, (which of course I probably already have too from sleeping with her)… I do not know if she feigned surprise or if she knew she had it beforehand, but I do know that one of those past guys gave it to her, and thus, to me. I was very supportive of it and even told her not to worry about giving it to me, but now, it just adds to the mess in my head and pisses me off more.

 

I don't know about you but if someone gives me any kind of STD be it HPV or anything else, my foot is reaching out and coming in contact with her ass.

 

Although it's your fault too for not wearing protection but to me all your saying is "Hey what do I care if I get a STD just as long as I get my rocks off" I think you have more of a problem then she does. You don't care just as long as you get laid.