GF Blacked Out Drinking and Can't Recall Actions

[ellerby]

I need advice/perspective. I was on vacation with girlfriend of 8 months. We had drinks at dinner and at the hotel bar after dinner. She was clearly intoxicated as we went back to the hotel room for the night. She said that she was bored and wanted to go back out to the bar/pool. I said go ahead because I was tired and went to sleep. I woke up about 90 minutes later and she was not back. I threw some clothes on and went out to the pool bar. There was a group of folks in the hot tub by the pool. I described my GF and asked if they had seen her. They said that she was with a guy in another area of the hotel. I was mad and went back to the room. I decided a bit later to go find her. When I got back out to the pool I saw her in the distance near the hot tub. She then proceeded to take her dress off (I am guessing she thought she had a bathing suit on underneath but was too drunk to realize that she did not) and then put it back on. After she did that a guy made a bee line straight to her and they started to walk away together towards a more secluded pool. I followed her and I heard here yell "hey" to get the guy to follow her over to where she was. I had enough and confronted them (ended up in a scuffle with the guy).

 

As you can imagine, we had a rough night and she was remorseful and crying all night. She explained that she drank so much she could not recall anything. She says she only knows what happened because I told her the story. She says she is heartbroken and knows that, while she does get flirty when she drinks, she would never cheat on me.

 

I really am crazy about her but I cannot seem to get past it no matter how much i have tried. I just struggle to believe her and regardless I can't get the thought/site of her going off with this guy, who clearly thought he had a shot with this intoxicated girl that took her dress off...

 

What I saw was bad enough but i have no idea she was doing for 90 minutes before I got there.

 

She wants to focus on moving on but I just can't let it go. I would appreciate any perspective/advice...

 

Thanks!

[loveweary11]

You have to forgive her, man. Especially if this kind of thing has never happened before.

 

She shouldn't be allowed to go out drinking alone though. Obviously can't control herself and doesn't kmownher limits.

[Capris]

This is totally my field.

 

I divide drinkers into two categories.

Those who black out and those who do not.

 

Those who do not black out, NEVER understand the other ones who do.

 

I am in the first category. Ive been in this kind of trouble a couple of times and honestly i still cant remember anything.

 

Want to talk about if i wanted to fool around with another guy? HELL NO!!

When you go into that state, you have no idea what you are doing and dont anyone start on "well drinking brings out your true self".....BULLSH**!!! The things ive done while blacked out, NOW WAY id want to do them neither sober nor "deep down inside". I can not stress it enough. NO F**** WAY.

 

There is a but though.

Your problem is to identify if she is in the first group or the second. If she blackouts in general, you should forgive her, cause your problem is not "cheating" or anything, your problem is her problem : Alcohol. She should learn to stay away from it cause trust me, the LEAST that could happen is sex. Blackouts are life-threatening.

 

If shes in the second group, you already know what to do.

Just be patient enough to find out in which group she is in. How? Dunno, does she chekout in other situations? is she honest? reliable? If yes, she might be in the first group, if no, well...

 

Thats about it, if you have any other questions feel free to ask.

Cheers!

[sandylee1]

You've a couple of options...

 

Accept that she was so drunk and can't recall anything. I'm not much of a drinker and cannot understand how that happens, so it wouldn't fly with me.

 

OR

 

Tell her that for you to stay in a relationship with her.... she MUST stop drinking alcohol

 

 

If she was that drink. ...how does she know she wouldn't cheat on you? She can't know if she really was that drunk. In such a drunk state..what was she leaving the room for? To drink some more? Chat to randoms or what?

 

I'd be far from impressed if I were you...I'm not sure I believe she truly was that drunk.

[lolablue17]

Even if she was too drunk while taking her dress off, and calling the guy to follow her to the secluded pool inviting him to f#*k her, Was she too drunk when she left you in the room, actively and with full intention went searching for male attention? was she too drunk when she found a guy she liked and start talking to him? was she thinking about you while she made out with him? (90 minutes is a very long time just to talk)

 

If you hadn't found her, he was banging her at the secluded pool with her consent. OK, this is while she was totally intoxicated, but what about all her decisions while she was fully aware of her actions?

 

She may be telling the truth when she says she doesn't remember, But i've seen too many times drunk people lie and say they don't remember anything only to get away from consequences. while admitting to friends (me) that they remembered everything.

Edited November 12, 2015 by lolablue17

[RecentChange]

Not to blame the victim.... But.

 

I would have never told a drunk friend, boy friend etc etc to go out by themselves while intoxicated.

 

First drunk people do not make sound decisions. Going back out was probably a bad idea. Especially alone.

 

Secondly its DANGEROUS to be out drunk and alone. Drunk people are quite vulnerable, she could have ended up attacked, hurt, face down in her own vomit....

 

And I agree with the other poster. There are drunks, and then there are black out drunks. Black out drunks really do not know what they are doing... And may end up doing things they will regret, or put themselves in great danger.

 

Edited to add.... Intoxicated people can't give consent

Edited November 12, 2015 by RecentChange

[stillafool]

Break up with her as you've got an alcoholic on your hands. The fact that she wanted to go back out when you wanted to retire was so she could drink some more. She can't keep her clothes on apparently when she gets too drunk. You can't marry her she will get drunk, black out and forget where she left the kids.

[Keenly]

It happened once, it will happen again. People don't do things drunk that they are not capable of while sober.

Drinking too much is never an excuse for unacceptable behavior.

 

She knew what she was doing, she just didn't feel guilty about it because she was drunk.

[lollipopspot]

She was clearly intoxicated as we went back to the hotel room for the night. She said that she was bored and wanted to go back out to the bar/pool. I said go ahead because I was tired and went to sleep.

 

I have to agree with the other poster. As the boyfriend or even friend I would not send some clearly intoxicated lady back out to a bar/pool unattended. It's dangerous. Now, if you asked her not to and she fought with you, that's one thing. But I would have a discussion about this - in retrospect, this is where the nightlife ought best to have ended. Can she get on board with you about that?

 

It's unfair, and really unfortunate to say, but some women feel too safe. In her state, she would have been in no position to turn down a drink laced with a drug, or to have her wits about her enough to prevent herself from being walked off by a truly dangerous man. It's dangerous for women to drink or drug alone in public.

[Rydo]

You should obviously end it. She is lying about blacking out.

[d0nnivain]

If she was actually passed out . . .maybe I could accept her story. But she chose to go back out & she chose to take her clothes off. With that level of motor control -- the ability to undress & then re-dress, as well as the ability to walk & talk . . . sorry but I think she's lying about what she remembers in an effort to cover up her poor choices.

 

Especially on a vacation with you . . . nope, I couldn't get past this either. I'm not advocating you even try.

[ExpatInItaly]

If she was actually passed out . . .maybe I could accept her story. But she chose to go back out & she chose to take her clothes off. With that level of motor control -- the ability to undress & then re-dress, as well as the ability to walk & talk . . . sorry but I think she's lying about what she remembers in an effort to cover up her poor choices.

 

Especially on a vacation with you . . . nope, I couldn't get past this either. I'm not advocating you even try.

 

I have to agree with the above.

 

And as you said OP, if she has no memory of this evening, lord knows what happened in the time between her leaving and you finding her. But I also have to echo what some others have said - don't ever let a drunk woman wander off by herself, especially in a strange place surrounded by people you don't know.

[kgcolonel]

Well her actions following this could give you the actions as to whether or not she's being honest with you now....

 

Is your GF on birth control? One would think that if she wasn't she'd have a concern as to she may have had sex and doesn't remember. Secondly, if she is on BC (I know, before anyone says it, BC has nothing to do with STD's) you could approach this as maybe she needs to be tested.

 

Watch her reaction. If she agrees to be tested then her claim may be valid, however if she declines, either she remembers that they either did not have sex in the 90 minutes before you got out there / caught her, or she knows they used a condom......her reaction may very well give you the answers you're looking for in whether or not this was intentional or she truly blacked out.

[kgcolonel]

One approach may be to tell her you need to buy some condoms (if you do not normally use them) as protection for yourself.

[clia]

If she was actually passed out . . .maybe I could accept her story. But she chose to go back out & she chose to take her clothes off. With that level of motor control -- the ability to undress & then re-dress, as well as the ability to walk & talk . . . sorry but I think she's lying about what she remembers in an effort to cover up her poor choices.

 

Especially on a vacation with you . . . nope, I couldn't get past this either. I'm not advocating you even try.

 

You've obviously never blacked out from drinking.

 

It's happened to me on a few occasions. One night about ten years ago I got convinced to do shots, which I never do. The last thing I remembered was doing a shot at around 11 pm. Next thing I knew, it was the next morning and I was in my bed, in my pajamas, face washed, etc. Talk about terrifying. I had no idea what had happened the night before. When I talked to my friends to find out what happened, they were floored to learn that I had no memory of any of it. Apparently we had hit two more bars. No memory of that or my taxi ride home. While they knew I was drunk (we all were), I was functioning perfectly fine. I even washed my face and changed into my pajamas when I got home.

 

So, in my opinion, she could've truly been blacked out during all this activity. Or maybe she was lying. Who knows? But if she was blacked out, there's no telling what she might've done for an hour and a half. I'm also bothered that OP let his drunk girlfriend wander down to the bar by herself.

 

OP, has she blacked out before? I think the fact that she was taking off her dress should indicate how drunk she was. It could all be a horrible mistake and she probably feels terrible. Whether you can put this behind you is up to you, but she truly may not remember anything.

[KatZee]

I personally wouldn't date a black out drinker. My ex was one, and if I see it in any future partners, I'm done.

 

My ex was a black out drinker. I couldn't handle it. We would go to a bar with his friends, and he'd pound back 4 beers within the first half hour and then do shots, and then would expect I drive him home and take care of him.

 

The first time he got black out drunk he basically assaulted me on the train. He was groping me in public, grabbing my butt, trying to get me to make out with him in front of everyone.

 

The second time he got back out drunk he almost fell off the subway platform and almost took a woman with him. He started screaming "Look at all the n****s (racial slur). I put my hand over his mouth and he bit my finger badly.

 

The third time he got black out drunk he wandered out of the bar and started walking back to the apartment and got lost. I called the police to go find him, he came back to the apt in the back of a cop car.

 

The fourth time he got black out drunk, he ran out the house we were at, and found a group of women and started flirting/talking/being obnoxious with them. His friends had to go find him and bring him back.

 

The fifth time he got black out drunk he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend.

 

Someone else stated it: Never underestimate a black out drinker.

 

Has she ever gotten black out drunk before?

 

I personally don't think it's wise to remain with anyone who has a drinking problem like this. Do you really want or need to be her babysitter to make sure she's not out doing God knows what? She can't control herself, she can't control her liquor, and she's irresponsible and puts herself in dangerous situations.

[sandylee1]

I personally wouldn't date a black out drinker. My ex was one, and if I see it in any future partners, I'm done.

 

My ex was a black out drinker. I couldn't handle it. We would go to a bar with his friends, and he'd pound back 4 beers within the first half hour and then do shots, and then would expect I drive him home and take care of him.

 

The first time he got black out drunk he basically assaulted me on the train. He was groping me in public, grabbing my butt, trying to get me to make out with him in front of everyone.

 

The second time he got back out drunk he almost fell off the subway platform and almost took a woman with him. He started screaming "Look at all the n****s (racial slur). I put my hand over his mouth and he bit my finger badly.

 

The third time he got black out drunk he wandered out of the bar and started walking back to the apartment and got lost. I called the police to go find him, he came back to the apt in the back of a cop car.

 

The fourth time he got black out drunk, he ran out the house we were at, and found a group of women and started flirting/talking/being obnoxious with them. His friends had to go find him and bring him back.

 

The fifth time he got black out drunk he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend.

 

Someone else stated it: Never underestimate a black out drinker.

 

Has she ever gotten black out drunk before?

 

I personally don't think it's wise to remain with anyone who has a drinking problem like this. Do you really want or need to be her babysitter to make sure she's not out doing God knows what? She can't control herself, she can't control her liquor, and she's irresponsible and puts herself in dangerous situations.

 

You went back too many times. On biting my finger...that would have been the end for me.

[elfman]

This is totally my field.

 

I divide drinkers into two categories.

Those who black out and those who do not.

 

Those who do not black out, NEVER understand the other ones who do.

 

I am in the first category. Ive been in this kind of trouble a couple of times and honestly i still cant remember anything.

 

Want to talk about if i wanted to fool around with another guy? HELL NO!!

When you go into that state, you have no idea what you are doing and dont anyone start on "well drinking brings out your true self".....BULLSH**!!! The things ive done while blacked out, NOW WAY id want to do them neither sober nor "deep down inside". I can not stress it enough. NO F**** WAY.

 

There is a but though.

Your problem is to identify if she is in the first group or the second. If she blackouts in general, you should forgive her, cause your problem is not "cheating" or anything, your problem is her problem : Alcohol. She should learn to stay away from it cause trust me, the LEAST that could happen is sex. Blackouts are life-threatening.

 

If shes in the second group, you already know what to do.

Just be patient enough to find out in which group she is in. How? Dunno, does she chekout in other situations? is she honest? reliable? If yes, she might be in the first group, if no, well...

 

Thats about it, if you have any other questions feel free to ask.

Cheers!

 

So in essence what you are saying is:

 

- If she is in the first group, she should be forgiven and given a blank slate to do it all over again?

 

- If SHE knows she get flirty and blacks out, should she also not know that if she is in a serious relationship she should not drink too much because it makes her lose control?

 

- By that rule, then a person who KNOWS they cannot drive while drunk, yet knows they have no alternative, should be forgiven when they run someone over because its just how they are?

 

In my opinion, if a person does not know their own limits and is constantly testing them at the expense of others, then that is simply egoism and should not be tollerated... that is why we have adolescense, to test our limits and know our boundaries.

 

In my opinion, as to the OP's problem:

- She only stopped because you intervened, so she would deffinitely have cheated on you had you not.

- She went out by her own desire.

- I would not get involved with someone who would lose control like that with ANYONE but me...

 

E.

[ASG]

If she was actually passed out . . .maybe I could accept her story. But she chose to go back out & she chose to take her clothes off. With that level of motor control -- the ability to undress & then re-dress, as well as the ability to walk & talk . . . sorry but I think she's lying about what she remembers in an effort to cover up her poor choices.

 

Especially on a vacation with you . . . nope, I couldn't get past this either. I'm not advocating you even try.

 

You've clearly never blacked out... I have made the journey from wherever I was out, all the way home, via BUS! got in the house and into bed and remember not a single thing! Nada! ****ing dangerous though and I was lucky! I was also not alone. But it IS a thing.

 

I've done all manner of things when I was black out drunk. There are entire nights I don't remember, and all my friends say I didn't even seem that drunk at the time.

 

So no. She's not lying.

[Keenly]

Bottom line is she has no personal responsibility. She chose to drink that much. She chose to leave the hotel room. She chose to meet up with this other guy.

 

Then she expects to be absolved of all these actions because she doesn't remember. She may very well not remember. I don't drink but I take ambien so I know what it's like to be missing memory of 2 hours of your night.

 

 

It's no excuse though. She put herself in that position and is responsible for her actions. Alcohol doesn't give you a free pass to ditch boundaries.

[KatZee]

You went back too many times. On biting my finger...that would have been the end for me.

 

Yeah, hindsight is 20/20. All these instances happened over a three year period, with massive breaks between. It didn't seem all that much when I was with him, but looking back and lumping everything he did all together, looks very sick.

[KatZee]

You've clearly never blacked out... I have made the journey from wherever I was out, all the way home, via BUS! got in the house and into bed and remember not a single thing! Nada! ****ing dangerous though and I was lucky! I was also not alone. But it IS a thing.

 

I've done all manner of things when I was black out drunk. There are entire nights I don't remember, and all my friends say I didn't even seem that drunk at the time.

 

So no. She's not lying.

 

Yup. One night I was out with my ex in the city. I had no idea where we were so I let him lead and followed him for three subway transfers, and then onto the railroad. Next morning he tells me he has zero recollection of the night. He was blacked out that entire time.

[lollipopspot]

You've clearly never blacked out... I have made the journey from wherever I was out, all the way home, via BUS! got in the house and into bed and remember not a single thing! Nada! ****ing dangerous though and I was lucky! I was also not alone. But it IS a thing.

 

I've done all manner of things when I was black out drunk. There are entire nights I don't remember, and all my friends say I didn't even seem that drunk at the time.

 

So no. She's not lying.

 

Agree - blackouts are real and dangerous. The GF needs to take it seriously and stop drinking -

Blackout drunk: More common than you might think - CNN.com

[ASG]

Yup. One night I was out with my ex in the city. I had no idea where we were so I let him lead and followed him for three subway transfers, and then onto the railroad. Next morning he tells me he has zero recollection of the night. He was blacked out that entire time.

 

When I realised, the next day, I couldn't remember the journey home, I was freaked out. I remember leaving the casino I was at, albeit in flashes more than ACTUAL memory. Then I have one flash of getting on the bus and one flash of entering my house. I wasn't alone, so the danger was somewhat less, but even so!

I try to be a lot more careful now.

 

Agree - blackouts are real and dangerous. The GF needs to take it seriously and stop drinking -

Blackout drunk: More common than you might think - CNN.com

 

Thank you for that post.

 

Like the woman in the article, I had no idea people aren't aware of blackouts. They happened to me on a regular-ish basis when I was a teen and to a lesser degree these days, if there are shots involved in my night out. I have always assumed it happened to everyone!

[aliveagain]

Why would you let an already intoxicated girlfriend go back to a foreign bar all by herself? We all know that the dregs of the earth all hang out in popular holiday hotspots just looking for drunken wives and girlfriends left on their own. The fact that she would want to go back to the bar without you is very concerning. I would caution you about being with someone that would allow themselves to get that drunk. The fact that she was with men is very concerning specially if her actions resulted in you getting into a scuffle with another man. You could of ended up hurt or in prison and in a foreign country. Her actions show that she has very poor boundaries and a poor sense of judgement. Just my opinion from my experience with a failed marriage and a failed engagement, party girls make very poor wives.