girlfriend wants space...

[concerned111]

yes, history of strange behavior.

 

i don't know why she is freaking out over old coincidences it is frustrating and confusing and stressing the **** out of me. Oh her friend called HER not ME. she acted as if I told her old friend that she was having a breakdown or something.

 

when things are bad, theyre really bad. like this. she freaks out over stuff that doesn't make sense. and then she uses any bad stuff in our relationship to pin it on. im growing tired. weve broken up and gotten back together a few times already.

 

maybe im just too dependent on her at this point. i guess i should take this time to focus on me and start mentally and emotionally preparing myself for life without her.

 

she told me she had 'evidence' that i had been lying/keeping things from her i asked what evidence she wouldn't tell me.

 

I think i'm going over straight after work..

Edited November 13, 2015 by concerned111

[Downtown]

She has history of depression and paranoid/ erratic behavior. there have been times in our relationship where i thought she was bipolar.... she might have something serious going on.

Concerned, I agree with Colonel, Kismet, Expat, and DrReply that the paranoid, moody behavior you describe does not sound normal. It might be due to bipolar-1 disorder, as you suspect. Yet, the angry outbursts, irrational jealousy, and paranoia you describe are much closer to the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) than to BP-1. This distinction is important because, whereas BP-1 often can be treated quite successfully by simply swallowing a pill, BPD is very difficult to treat and medication won't make a dent in it. Not one dent.

 

If you ever feel inclined to take your GF back, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you've been dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you learn how to spot the warning signs for both disorders.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also check out my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of them sound very familiar, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD and BP-1 may help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion -- and may help you avoid a very painful experience, e.g., avoid taking her back or running into the arms of another woman just like her. Take care, Concerned.

[pteromom]

i don't know why she is freaking out over old coincidences it is frustrating and confusing and stressing the **** out of me. Oh her friend called HER not ME. she acted as if I told her old friend that she was having a breakdown or something.

 

If you are going to try to continue this relationship, you need to change your strategy.

 

You cannot defend yourself or argue with her when she is being irrational. Seriously, what is the point? If you can see that what she is accusing you of is irrational, just VALIDATE her FEELINGS.

 

She yells: "Why did you talk to that girl!?!?"

You, now: "I didn't! YOU ARE the one who called her!"

Her: "Liar! You've probably been seeing her behind my back!"

You, now: "What? You have freaking lost your mind!!!"

Her: "**** you! I hate you!"

 

Instead, do this:

Her: "Why did you talk to that girl!!?"

You: "You seem really upset."

Her: "I am upset! Because you talked to that girl!"

You: "I am so sorry you are upset. What can I do right now to help you feel better?"

 

See? Instead of focusing on the insane accusations, you focus on her feelings.

 

If she says to **** off and go away, just do it. Give her the evening to calm down.

 

Send her a simple sweet text the next morning that requires no reply "I love you - I hope you are feeling better this morning."

 

If you are going to stay in this relationship, you also need to grow thicker skin. You have to understand that her mental and emotional issues do not have anything to do with YOU. So there is no reason to feel offended and hurt and angry. Turn those feelings to empathy for her.

 

Even this "evidence" - instead of demanding to know what it is, which only escalates the interaction, let her know you are available if she would like to discuss it, and then drop it.

 

Just take being defensive out of your possible reactions and focus on being kind and zen.

[concerned111]

thank you downtown and pteromom very much for your helpful posts.

 

I read through those links Downtown and she got 10/10 for the bpd also found a few tests online and again got 10/10.

 

I do admit I have a history of getting defensive easily, it's something shes complained about many times. I have been making a conscious effort to do this less, I meditate more, but old habits die hard, especially in the moment.

 

I know I need to learn to not take things personally. This goes beyond my relationship with her as well. I really want to work on this, any advice on how to do that and be less defensive would be greatly appreciated. I think I just need to meditate more.

 

Just an update we went camping after all and had the best weekend together ever.

Then today she freaked out over text message about some stupid stuff.. said things still bothered her and she brought up concerns about the future and how she doesn't know what shes going to do after school. She said maybe we should go to a counselor I told her yes we could see a real psychologist (she really didn't like the sex therapist we went to) and she was open to that. I have been looking them up all day and contacting them trying to set something up asap. I still get the feeling things are off..

 

thank you again downtown and pteromom

[Versacehottie]

thank you downtown and pteromom very much for your helpful posts.

 

I read through those links Downtown and she got 10/10 for the bpd also found a few tests online and again got 10/10.

 

I do admit I have a history of getting defensive easily, it's something shes complained about many times. I have been making a conscious effort to do this less, I meditate more, but old habits die hard, especially in the moment.

 

I know I need to learn to not take things personally. This goes beyond my relationship with her as well. I really want to work on this, any advice on how to do that and be less defensive would be greatly appreciated. I think I just need to meditate more.

 

Just an update we went camping after all and had the best weekend together ever.

Then today she freaked out over text message about some stupid stuff.. said things still bothered her and she brought up concerns about the future and how she doesn't know what shes going to do after school. She said maybe we should go to a counselor I told her yes we could see a real psychologist (she really didn't like the sex therapist we went to) and she was open to that. I have been looking them up all day and contacting them trying to set something up asap. I still get the feeling things are off..

 

thank you again downtown and pteromom

I'm confused though. If she is the one with the possible/probably BPD, why are you doing all the legwork for her about finding a therapist?? I think she is steamrolling you. Narcissist whatever that BPD is! Co-dependent stuff. don't be a doormat.

[Downtown]

She said maybe we should go to a counselor I told her yes we could see a real psychologist.... I have been looking them up all day and contacting them.

Concerned, I agree with Versace that, if your GF has strong BPD traits as you suspect, going to a therapist together likely will be unproductive. A marriage counselor, for example, would be a total waste of time because a BPDer's issues go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills. Moreover, a BPDer almost certainly would use MC as a stage on which to beat you up in front of an audience.

 

As to seeing a "real psychologist" with her, that is very unlikely to be productive unless she is one of those rare BPDers who have sufficient self awareness and ego strength to have a strong desire to seek therapy and stay in it for a long time (several years at least). If that is the case -- and she is strongly committed to addressing her issues -- she will show evidence of such commitment by locating a good psychologist and setting up the appointment herself -- as Versace suggests.

 

Moreover, even if the psychologist determines she has full-blown BPD, it is unlikely he will tell her (much less tell her BF) because it often is not in her best interests to be told. If you're interested, I explain the several reasons why therapists routinely withhold the diagnosis name from their high functioning BPDer clients in my post at Loath to Diagnose BPD.

 

Indeed, they typically also withhold the real diagnosis from insurance companies too. Instead, they simply list the co-occurring disorders such as the clinical disorders (e.g., bipolar, GAD, or PTSD -- all of which are covered by insurance) that usually accompany BPD (which typically is not covered).

 

This is why I suggested above that, if you are tempted to take her back, you see a psychologist for a visit or two "all by yourself." Whenever BPD is a strong possibility, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion is to see a psychologist who has never treated or seen your GF. This ensures that your psychologist is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not those of your GF.

 

Remember, her therapist is NOT your friend because he is ethically bound to protect her best interests (even if you are sometimes attending the sessions and paying all the bills). Hence, relying on her PSYCHOLOGIST for candid advice during the courtship period would be as foolish as relying on her ATTORNEY during the divorce.

[bubbaganoosh]

 

Just an update we went camping after all and had the best weekend together ever.

Then today she freaked out over text message about some stupid stuff.. said things still bothered her and she brought up concerns about the future and how she doesn't know what shes going to do after school. She said maybe we should go to a counselor I told her yes we could see a real psychologist (she really didn't like the sex therapist we went to) and she was open to that. I have been looking them up all day and contacting them trying to set something up asap. I still get the feeling things are off..

 

I really thing you should think this out on your own. She's got a ton of problems and she needs to work them out and I doubt if she will. Seems like she's ready to hurl the blame on anything or everything rather than looking at herself.

[Versacehottie]

I think it's honorable that you are trying to stick with her and get her to therapy --but at a certain point you have to be realistic. Maybe she is just immature and being a total brat! You mentioned school so I'm assuming college? Honestly, if she has something as severe as BPD, and you are a young college couple, I don't really see why you would "stick" with anything. You should live your life and know it's not realistic to go to therapy with your college gf if she has a serious mental disorder. There is not much to salvage if these are the parameters. If you want to be a good friend, get the recommendations for her and pass them onto her and tell her to be in touch in a few years when she gets her life under control. don't waste yours trying to 'fix' this. Good luck

[TheBathWater]

Has anyone had this NOT end in break up?

 

We've had our troubles lately. this weekend we had planned a 3 day camping trip. yesterday, Wednesday, she texts me in the deadest voice ever telling me she needed the night alone and that we can spend the next night together but she just needs to be alone and needs time to her self. no kissy face emojis, nothing, i still havent heard from her and its thursday. we were supposed to go grocery shopping yesterday and tonight we were going to prep all our food and camping gear and were going to head out tomorrow morning. now im wondering if i need to go get a new tent and camping gear (all at her house) and just go by myself.

 

the fact she has not said anything to me since that text is very concerning. leading up to this she has been incredibly cold and distand the past couple weeks. she is very stressed about finishing college and is pretty depressed and stuff over this but we also have our problems.

 

we've had sexual problems too, in the begininning i didn't want it as much as she did, which lead to her feeling rejected and she still holds on to those feelings even though the tables have now turned (i want sex more than she does, i think she avoids it now). weve been together 8 months now, i know she would say the sex thing hasnt gotten better and ive made no attempt which is not true i have been initiating a lot more (she doesnt even initiate at all anymore) the last time we tried having sex though was monday morning i went down on her and she stopped me to look at the clock and say 'you shouldn't be late to work'

 

sorry for the rant, didn't know what all to include and what not to. my minds just racing and i know i shouldnt contact her at all. this morning i wrote a long email and deleted it. i started two texts and deleted them. i know ive come off to her as clingy and weak and have failed to sexually gratify her so i know things look very doomed. just want to hear from some others with similar experiences while i wait for the inevitable.

 

As Usher would say, you got it bad. Sorry, brother. This really sucks

[Timshel]

Not for nothing 'Downtown,' you should know as well as I.....we only speak for integrity; or nada.