Thoughts on dating a girl with a promiscuous past

[lino]

Ok, so you meet a girl who has a lot going for her, and you have great chemistry...Constant laughing, great sex, connect on many levels..

 

Now during some of these laugh sessions, she slips up and starts telling stories about random sexual encounters. Sleeping with her doctor, a guy from the gym, a guy she DIDNT like from online dating at the park after dinner, a customer that came into her store, etc.. And she has no problem stating it was just "casual fun".

Sort of like she was always just a FWB with random guys that hit on her..

 

So my question for the ladies here would be, is this pretty much common behavior amongst a lot of single women, except they do not talk about it? if you were promiscuous in the past, could you be trusted in a relationship?

 

And my question for the guys would be, would this bother you? Could you trust a girl who was promiscuous? Do you feel your girl is kind of lying when she says she only had a few partners? Does it not make any difference?

 

As for me when I am with her things are fine... But having hearing her stories it does make me wonder what she is doing when I am not with her.

 

Unless you intend on interacting with this girl the same way the above guys did, you're in for quite some heartache.

[kismetkismet]

Yes, I'm single, and from previous posts, you'll see I refuse to date anymore.

 

So you think that all people, once they reach a certain number of sexual partners become undateable? Like one day you've slept with 5 people and that's fine, you can carry on trying to find a life partner and dating and such, but one then one day you sleep with one more and it's like "oh darn, now I have to be single forever, for I am now broken."

 

That is a very defeatist and depressing attitude to have.

[thecrucible]

Well I have a slightly colourful past but one that's relatively normal in this day and age. My number is 10 and they haven't all been long-term relationships. I've also done a few things I regret. But then again I haven't had sex in over 2 years and believe me, I've had opportunities. I'm looking for a relationship so I'm not tempted by anything casual. At the same time, as someone mentioned earlier, I feel like I know what's out there so I've got no great urge to get promiscuous. If I was dating a new man now, I wouldn't give much away. If he asked me a direct question I would answer it truthfully, but it does no good to go full disclosure, especially when it allows him to mentally picture it or even know any names. I see the past as the past. My past has made me who I am (cliché though that is). At the same time, I've grown so much in the past 10 years of dating that I'm quite a different person. As for the guy, I can only think the same way about him.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

So you think that all people, once they reach a certain number of sexual partners become undateable? Like one day you've slept with 5 people and that's fine, you can carry on trying to find a life partner and dating and such, but one then one day you sleep with one more and it's like "oh darn, now I have to be single forever, for I am now broken."

 

That is a very defeatist and depressing attitude to have.

 

I did not say that.

 

I said that revealing the number of past partners, especially if it's a exorbitant amount, would cause me to reconsider the relationship.

 

If we are just friends with benefits, who am I to judge that? We're doing it for the fun of sex and friendship, not the seriousness of a relationship.

 

However, should I have a romantic interest reveal to me that she slept with over 80 men, I wouldn't want to be romantically involved with her most likely to the point of marriage. And I expect the same condemnation if a woman found that out about me, and didn't want to pursue a relationship. It'd suck, but who am I to tell her what she can, or can't, handle?

Edited November 13, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory language

[thecrucible]

@DrReplyInRhymes -

 

Many women wouldn't reveal their true number anyway. I doubt anyone would be daft enough to say they had slept with 80 men if that were true. I have no intention of revealing much detail about my past relationships (nobody's business) unless the guy asks me directly. There's just no point, is there?

 

I think these situations are hard to judge. If there was someone you really liked, you'd be more flexible. Plus most people are straight-laced and don't go to town with sex so these hypothetical situations are unlikely to come up.

 

All I know is when I really really fancy a guy, I don't care to know about his previous interactions with women. If he made a point of telling me stories about it, I'd think he was being a bit douche-y.

[Woggle]

I do think that men have the right to their standards just as much as women have the right to theirs. At the end of the day you are the one who would be dating her so you have the right to decide whether or not she is relationship material. All of this is is a sometimes misguided way of men protecting themselves. We see the stuff some other guys go through and guys want to avoid that happening to them.

[thecrucible]

I do think that men have the right to their standards just as much as women have the right to theirs. At the end of the day you are the one who would be dating her so you have the right to decide whether or not she is relationship material. All of this is is a sometimes misguided way of men protecting themselves. We see the stuff some other guys go through and guys want to avoid that happening to them.

 

I agree with that too. Dating is not about giving everyone a chance per se but finding the best person for you. I just think it's a case by case thing where it depends on each individual person and what feels right. For instance, I think I come across as fairly shy and reasonably sweet and while I am sexually confidence, I don't really think men look at me and think "she looks like she's been with x number of people" (at least I hope not). I think human beings can be complex - some people you can take at face value, and some you can't.

[mrldii]

A lock opened by many keys is a poorly made lock.

 

A key attempted to be crammed into numerous different locks will break, eventually.

 

 

Jus' sayin'.

[mrldii]

OT, though...since you, yourself, said that the two of you have "great sex", these casual encounters may be how she became so good at it. How you became equally good at it with such fewer numbers may simply be sheer dumb luck.

 

But, given that you, yourself, also used the words "she slips up", "a FWB with random guys", "promiscuous", and have indicated that what she's done in her past may, very well, be an indication of what she's doing now/will do TO you in the future, suggests that it really doesn't matter we ladies say...you're mind's already made up: she's "promiscuous" and is not to be trusted and will go on to enjoy "great sex" with all the next random guy who hit on her.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[RedRobin]

Can't argue with studys. In general, the more sexual partners a woman has had, the less likely she will be happy in a LTR.

 

Any studies published by the Heritage Foundation should be questioned... And I am a woman who is not promiscuous. That organization would love to return to the Stone Age when it comes to gender relations.

 

Scan down in the comments, and they conclude that the risk of divorce goes up for promiscuous men too. So it seems that there might be a link between promiscuity and divorce. I have read that elsewhere. Still, that doesn't mean the marriage will end due to infidelity. Perhaps the individuals in question simply don't have what it takes to make a lifetime commitment.

 

It's not clear if that is the OPs goal, or if he also has a promiscuous past... Maybe I didn't read the original post carefully enough.

[losangelena]

Ok, so you meet a girl who has a lot going for her, and you have great chemistry...Constant laughing, great sex, connect on many levels..

 

Now during some of these laugh sessions, she slips up and starts telling stories about random sexual encounters. Sleeping with her doctor, a guy from the gym, a guy she DIDNT like from online dating at the park after dinner, a customer that came into her store, etc.. And she has no problem stating it was just "casual fun".

Sort of like she was always just a FWB with random guys that hit on her..

 

So my question for the ladies here would be, is this pretty much common behavior amongst a lot of single women, except they do not talk about it? if you were promiscuous in the past, could you be trusted in a relationship?

 

And my question for the guys would be, would this bother you? Could you trust a girl who was promiscuous? Do you feel your girl is kind of lying when she says she only had a few partners? Does it not make any difference?

 

As for me when I am with her things are fine... But having hearing her stories it does make me wonder what she is doing when I am not with her.

 

Bottom line, it's how you feel about it that matters. If you have preconceived notion of women who are promiscuous, and won't be able to relax/trust her, then don't date her.

 

Everyone's different; sexual habits while single can differ from those in the context of a relationship. But despite what anyone on here tells you, you do have a set notion of what it means for a woman to be promiscuous, and chances are you're not going to change your mind.

 

If you think your dis-ease about her past will lead to jealous or obsessive thinking, then just let her go now and continue looking for someone who is better-suited in the sexual past department.

[PogoStick]

It depends a lot on who she is, what she wants and values, and how you fit into that equation.

 

My gf has a VERY promiscuous past. And so do I. It doesn't bother me because:

I trust her. Feel I have good reason to trust her because I'm confident in myself, that she values me and what I offer in a relationship. And sexually, I know I rock her in ways most guys never have or will. When I bring up something along the lines of swinging or being with other people she says "Why would she want to go have bad sex with a random guy, when she can have great sex with me."

 

She's had more partners than most people ever will, and she chooses me. So why do I give a fk?

[mrldii]

It depends a lot on who she is, what she wants and values, and how you fit into that equation.

 

My gf has a VERY promiscuous past. And so do I. It doesn't bother me because:

I trust her. Feel I have good reason to trust her because I'm confident in myself, that she values me and what I offer in a relationship. And sexually, I know I rock her in ways most guys never have or will. When I bring up something along the lines of swinging or being with other people she says "Why would she want to go have bad sex with a random guy, when she can have great sex with me."

 

She's had more partners than most people ever will, and she chooses me. So why do I give a fk?

 

 

Exactly this. ^^^

 

Oh, and in case your last question wasn't rhetorical: you "give a fk" to keep her *coming* back for more. And more. And mo...well, you get it. And *get it*.

 

 

[TheBathWater]

And my question for the guys would be, would this bother you? Could you trust a girl who was promiscuous? Do you feel your girl is kind of lying when she says she only had a few partners? Does it not make any difference?

 

It would not bother me knowing a woman has had a promiscuous past, but it would bother me if she was flaunting it openly to me. The question I always ask myself is, why would someone do that (male or female)?

 

Experience tells me that this behavior signals insecurity on her part. It could be an attempt to make you jealous, an attempt on her part to "prove" she is desirable, or any other innumerable combinations which suggest she is not relationship-ready.

 

Having said that, I totally get that sometimes part of the getting-to-know-you process involves disclosing past relationship histories, but tone is what I listen for. Is she doing it frequently? What's her demeanor like when she does it? Do you feel more connected to her as a result? These are important questions to ask yourself when considering the motivation of her disclosure, and her maturational 'fit' with you.

 

Numbers don't speak volume as loud as attitude does.

[basil67]

I'll be honest. I am sure my number is much higher.

 

I guess it is a male thing inside of me that hates to picture another guy doing her. Especially "just for fun".

 

I suspect a woman like her is highly confident and wouldn't suffer fools gladly. If you want a future with her I would suggest you don't let her glimpse your hypocritical nature

[edgygirl]

In a skewed way, she might be trying to get closer to you and see if you really like her although she has a "past". Some people see sharing these kind of secrets as a way to become closer / more intimate with someone. I for one would like the person I am with to accept me with all my past - which led me to be the person I am, and that hopefully, they enjoy.

 

Also, I couldn't care less about someone's promiscuity in the past. I kind of see it as being open-minded and I prefer open-minded people. What I care about is what they will behave like after they meet me. In my head, promiscuity does not correlate to infidelity at all.

[oregon0011]

OT, though...since you, yourself, said that the two of you have "great sex", these casual encounters may be how she became so good at it. How you became equally good at it with such fewer numbers may simply be sheer dumb luck.

 

But, given that you, yourself, also used the words "she slips up", "a FWB with random guys", "promiscuous", and have indicated that what she's done in her past may, very well, be an indication of what she's doing now/will do TO you in the future, suggests that it really doesn't matter we ladies say...you're mind's already made up: she's "promiscuous" and is not to be trusted and will go on to enjoy "great sex" with all the next random guy who hit on her.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

 

Well logically, we all know women have a far easier time to obtain sex at any time. Perhaps only male rock stars or pro athletes can come close.

 

As an example, a girl could post on craigslist and within 2 hours have 500 men offering sex. Married, younger, older, rich, good looking, etc.

 

A similarly good looking man who posted would get zero replies.

 

So as a woman, would you feel dating a rock star would give you a better chance of landing a faithful guy, over say an accountant? Sure the accountant could cheat, but it would take a bit of effort and work.

 

The mind wanders when you are not with the girl who told you she is promiscuous. If I am dating a girl who had 3 guys by the age of 30, I am not instantly thinking she might be on her fourth guy if she doesn't answer the phone, has to work late, doesn't return a text for a night etc.

 

However, with the promiscuous girl that is one of your first thoughts. "Hmmm I have seen her in 3 days. Is she screwing someone else?" "She is a bit distant, did she screw someone else?" Kind of the same if you are dating a rock star who is on the road.

 

So I guess that is the issue. But the girls here are saying that while dating, or in a relationship they have no issue at all with being faithful even if they had a past

[PogoStick]

You're mixing up promiscuity with faithfulness. They are separate things. Just because someone has many previous partners doesn't mean they cannot, or do not want to, commit.

 

I'm betting my gf had well over 50 men before age 30 (and you can do the math to age 40). Typically we have a week or more between seeing each other. Not once in 3+ months have I worried she was with another man.

 

But, if you're worried about this girl. Perhaps it's with good reason and you are not a good match.

[oregon0011]

You're mixing up promiscuity with faithfulness. They are separate things. Just because someone has many previous partners doesn't mean they cannot, or do not want to, commit.

 

I'm betting my gf had well over 50 men before age 30 (and you can do the math to age 40). Typically we have a week or more between seeing each other. Not once in 3+ months have I worried she was with another man.

 

But, if you're worried about this girl. Perhaps it's with good reason and you are not a good match.

 

Yes. I am wondering if there is a correlation.

 

For example a first time sexual encounter might become a "high" for some people. So would monogamy be more boring and hard to maintain for the more promiscuous?

[sandylee1]

Im female........

 

Women will always be judged in that way. I think in your case it's more the casual way she brings up her sexual encounters....it sounds like she's an easy one to get into bed really...or at least she was.

 

Would I want my son to date such a woman? No.

 

Now I had more partners than I would have liked, but non were casual hook ups... or at least that wasn't my intention. ....and I'd never discuss them to a new man in that casual manner. I just can't see the benefit in doing that.

 

Your lady doesn't see sex as anything special and gives it up at the drop of a hat. She might have changed...but you need to establish if that is the case.

[oregon0011]

Im female........

 

Women will always be judged in that way. I think in your case it's more the casual way she brings up her sexual encounters....it sounds like she's an easy one to get into bed really...or at least she was.

 

Would I want my son to date such a woman? No.

 

Now I had more partners than I would have liked, but non were casual hook ups... or at least that wasn't my intention. ....and I'd never discuss them to a new man in that casual manner. I just can't see the benefit in doing that.

 

Your lady doesn't see sex as anything special and gives it up at the drop of a hat. She might have changed...but you need to establish if that is the case.

 

Yes exactly. The casual manner in which it is discussed, and how she points out it was "just for fun".

 

I am wondering if many girls have "just for fun" sex and keep it a secret? Or this girl is an outlier?

[MissBee]

Ok, so you meet a girl who has a lot going for her, and you have great chemistry...Constant laughing, great sex, connect on many levels..

 

Now during some of these laugh sessions, she slips up and starts telling stories about random sexual encounters. Sleeping with her doctor, a guy from the gym, a guy she DIDNT like from online dating at the park after dinner, a customer that came into her store, etc.. And she has no problem stating it was just "casual fun".

Sort of like she was always just a FWB with random guys that hit on her..

 

So my question for the ladies here would be, is this pretty much common behavior amongst a lot of single women, except they do not talk about it? if you were promiscuous in the past, could you be trusted in a relationship?

 

And my question for the guys would be, would this bother you? Could you trust a girl who was promiscuous? Do you feel your girl is kind of lying when she says she only had a few partners? Does it not make any difference?

 

As for me when I am with her things are fine... But having hearing her stories it does make me wonder what she is doing when I am not with her.

 

I'm confused. Did she mention that in any of those scenarios she was cheating on a boyfriend?

 

If she was single in those situations then I don't really see what that has to do with "trust" and your relationship.

 

A single man or woman is not harming anyone by having casual sex. It says NOTHING about their fidelity and ability to have a faithful relationship. It seems pretty reasonable to me that someone can have casual sex while SINGLE and then be faithful while in a relationship. I would be more concerned if she said she had cheated on all her boyfriends in these scenarios rather than simply assuming having casual sex while single means she is some fiend who can't be faithful...that's an illogical thing to believe.

[oregon0011]

Ok. Here is an example that had yesterday.

 

I have known a female friend for 20 years. I know she has been with close to 100 guys.

 

She is now in a "semi serious" dating relationship.

 

She texted the guy two nights ago and he didn't return the text.

 

She was mad, jealous. Etc.

 

So she went out, drank, hooked up with a guy and had sex.

 

I asked if she told the guy she is dating. She said "why I didn't cheat. He didn't text me back. He must not care. Etc"

 

So what women call "cheating" is also sketchy. I also wonder if my friend had only 2 men in her life before if she would be as quick to go out and hook up.

[MissBee]

Ok. Here is an example that had yesterday.

 

I have known a female friend for 20 years. I know she has been with close to 100 guys.

 

She is now in a "semi serious" dating relationship.

 

She texted the guy two nights ago and he didn't return the text.

 

She was mad, jealous. Etc.

 

So she went out, drank, hooked up with a guy and had sex.

 

I asked if she told the guy she is dating. She said "why I didn't cheat. He didn't text me back. He must not care. Etc"

 

So what women call "cheating" is also sketchy. I also wonder if my friend had only 2 men in her life before if she would be as quick to go out and hook up.

 

What does your friend have to do with your original question?

 

I'm not sure what you're driving at.

 

Your friend's guy didn't text her back so she got mad and jealous and hooked up with a guy....okay? What exactly does that have to do with the original question about a totally different woman?

 

What "women" call cheating isn't sketchy....what YOUR FRIEND doesn't consider cheating is. I'm sorry...I find it super unproductive when people try to use their friend to then talk about what a whole group of people think or believe. Your friend sounds like she is intensely immature and emotionally stunted....she is not representative of what "women" think about anything and again....what does this incident with her have to do with the original person? Nothing. Nothing whatsoever.

 

I suggest you not date this woman though, as at this point it seems you're hellbent on believing she will be a cheater to the point you've dragged up your unrelated friend to make the case that because your jealous insecure and emotionally impulsive friend cheated on her bf because he didn't text her, that this is somehow the average response of most sane women and thus by magical extrapolation this means this girl will do it to and it's related to how many men she was with before. Stop.

[losangelena]

I don't think you should date her either. Not if you're going to lord her past over her.

 

Better to find your pure and faithful virgin.