Thoughts on dating a girl with a promiscuous past

[oregon0011]

What does your friend have to do with your original question?

 

I'm not sure what you're driving at.

 

Your friend's guy didn't text her back so she got mad and jealous and hooked up with a guy....okay? What exactly does that have to do with the original question about a totally different woman?

 

What "women" call cheating isn't sketchy....what YOUR FRIEND doesn't consider cheating is. I'm sorry...I find it super unproductive when people try to use their friend to then talk about what a whole group of people think or believe. Your friend sounds like she is intensely immature and emotionally stunted....she is not representative of what "women" think about anything and again....what does this incident with her have to do with the original person? Nothing. Nothing whatsoever.

 

I suggest you not date this woman though, as at this point it seems you're hellbent on believing she will be a cheater to the point you've dragged up your unrelated friend to make the case that because your jealous insecure and emotionally impulsive friend cheated on her bf because he didn't text her, that this is somehow the average response of most sane women and thus by magical extrapolation this means this girl will do it to and it's related to how many men she was with before. Stop.

 

What I am asking is if you are dating a woman, is she more likely to be having sex with others if she had 100 previous partners or 2? Or completely irrelevant ?

 

And yeah. Very few women ever admit to cheating. Always an excuse.

[CarrieT]

And yeah. Very few women ever admit to cheating. Always an excuse.

Please understand that very few PEOPLE admit to cheating. You are projecting on to women because you are hurting, but men are just as guilty when it comes to cheating.

 

I *was* a promiscuous woman (more than 300 sexual partners), however I have NEVER cheated and all of my escapades were done while single. But I am newly married to man who knew of my past and didn't judge me on my past.

 

If you can't accept her past, then you don't need to. There are men who don't care about a woman's past and that it is the present which counts.

[MissBee]

What I am asking is if you are dating a woman, is she more likely to be having sex with others if she had 100 previous partners or 2? Or completely irrelevant ?

 

And yeah. Very few women ever admit to cheating. Always an excuse.

 

Many people have already responded.

 

So what was the new example for since it's the 4th page of the thread in which several people already answered?

 

It seems you are unwilling to accept this woman and are looking for even bizarre examples from other people to discredit her, so just leave well enough alone and find someone else.

[oregon0011]

Please understand that very few PEOPLE admit to cheating. You are projecting on to women because you are hurting, but men are just as guilty when it comes to cheating.

 

I *was* a promiscuous woman (more than 300 sexual partners), however I have NEVER cheated and all of my escapades were done while single. But I am newly married to man who knew of my past and didn't judge me on my past.

 

If you can't accept her past, then you don't need to. There are men who don't care about a woman's past and that it is the present which counts.

 

Just curious. What made you want to have 300 partners instead of "make love" with people you date?

[losangelena]

What I am asking is if you are dating a woman, is she more likely to be having sex with others if she had 100 previous partners or 2? Or completely irrelevant ?

 

And yeah. Very few women ever admit to cheating. Always an excuse.

 

This question has been answered multiple times and no, there is not always a corollary. Is it that those answers have primarily come from women that you find them hard to believe? Are we not trustworthy? Or just full of excuses?

[PogoStick]

What I am asking is if you are dating a woman, is she more likely to be having sex with others if she had 100 previous partners or 2? Or completely irrelevant ?

 

And yeah. Very few women ever admit to cheating. Always an excuse.

 

Of course, a woman with 100 past partners is more likely to have sex with another, compared to a woman with 2 partners. Do you really need that explained? And since you aren't prepared to deal with that, you should go find the girl who only has 2 partners.

[Timshel]

What I am asking is if you are dating a woman, is she more likely to be having sex with others if she had 100 previous partners or 2? Or completely irrelevant ?

And yeah. Very few women ever admit to cheating. Always an excuse.

 

 

As a woman, I have to go with bolded. Now here am I, a woman who can count on one hand my sexual experience. Married twice...first divorce, second widowed. My friends are all married for many years and I don't have a clue how many men they have slept with or if they have ever cheated on their husbands. They only say, if troubled, that that they are unhappy, dissatisfied with their spouse. I have one divorced/then quickly remarried friend who confided with me and there does appear to be some overlap.....but these things do not need to be said.

 

To be blunt, I don't know any women who talk about (even with other women, mind you) that they have been with random hook ups or very many men. If they have, they don't talk about it, even with their girlfriends. You have feedback on LS from women who speak plainly on this anonymous forum but in their 'real' lives, who knows if any one is the wiser. Why should they?

 

I think that when two people meet and have kismet, it works itself out. I don't think that a man or woman who has had many lovers will necessarily be unfaithful to a compatible partner......but I do think that sex should not be the most prominent hook.

[mrldii]

Well logically, we all know women have a far easier time to obtain sex at any time. Perhaps only male rock stars or pro athletes can come close.

 

As an example, a girl could post on craigslist and within 2 hours have 500 men offering sex. Married, younger, older, rich, good looking, etc.

 

A similarly good looking man who posted would get zero replies.

 

So as a woman, would you feel dating a rock star would give you a better chance of landing a faithful guy, over say an accountant? Sure the accountant could cheat, but it would take a bit of effort and work.

 

The mind wanders when you are not with the girl who told you she is promiscuous. If I am dating a girl who had 3 guys by the age of 30, I am not instantly thinking she might be on her fourth guy if she doesn't answer the phone, has to work late, doesn't return a text for a night etc.

 

However, with the promiscuous girl that is one of your first thoughts. "Hmmm I have seen her in 3 days. Is she screwing someone else?" "She is a bit distant, did she screw someone else?" Kind of the same if you are dating a rock star who is on the road.

 

So I guess that is the issue. But the girls here are saying that while dating, or in a relationship they have no issue at all with being faithful even if they had a past

 

 

Well, I married (and divorced) an accountant - a CPA, as a matter of fact - though infidelity had nothing to do with it; there are more things to make a relationship/marriage go asunder than a too-mobile sex organ.

 

From what you, yourself, have posted, I didn't get that "she is promiscuous"; at best, I got that she [said words to the effect of] "she was promiscuous". Yes, both women AND men have replied to you that:

 

1) "promiscuous" is a broad-sweeping label, which can mean one thing to one person and a completely different thing to another. Someone may label another "promiscuous" simply because they've had one past sexual partner and the "promiscuous" one has had two...meaning they've had 2 times as many partners as the more chaste (and/or less chased) one;

 

2) past promiscuity and current/future fidelity may or may not have one danged thing to do with one another.

 

As I stated in my previous post, regardless of any factual or hypothesized data or what anyone else - including God, Herself - may say, the words you've chosen to express what you've chosen to concern yourself with over this woman with whom you relate very well with inside and outside the bedroom is a better predictor of the ultimate success - or not - of your budding relationship. You've already decided that this is going to be a major issue and something that you can not and will not accept.

 

Put me on the side with the others who've also indicated it's probably best you let her go and allow your self-fulfilling prophecy to come to fruition sooner, rather than later.

 

Best of luck to you, OP, in finding someone whose past number is more acceptable to you...

[oregon0011]

Well, I married (and divorced) an accountant - a CPA, as a matter of fact - though infidelity had nothing to do with it; there are more things to make a relationship/marriage go asunder than a too-mobile sex organ.

 

From what you, yourself, have posted, I didn't get that "she is promiscuous"; at best, I got that she [said words to the effect of] "she was promiscuous". Yes, both women AND men have replied to you that:

 

1) "promiscuous" is a broad-sweeping label, which can mean one thing to one person and a completely different thing to another. Someone may label another "promiscuous" simply because they've had one past sexual partner and the "promiscuous" one has had two...meaning they've had 2 times as many partners as the more chaste (and/or less chased) one;

 

2) past promiscuity and current/future fidelity may or may not have one danged thing to do with one another.

 

As I stated in my previous post, regardless of any factual or hypothesized data or what anyone else - including God, Herself - may say, the words you've chosen to express what you've chosen to concern yourself with over this woman with whom you relate very well with inside and outside the bedroom is a better predictor of the ultimate success - or not - of your budding relationship. You've already decided that this is going to be a major issue and something that you can not and will not accept.

 

Put me on the side with the others who've also indicated it's probably best you let her go and allow your self-fulfilling prophecy to come to fruition sooner, rather than later.

 

Best of luck to you, OP, in finding someone whose past number is more acceptable to you...

 

Lol. I have no idea what her number is. It is more or less how she describes these encounters. She is either ultra honest or ultra easy.

 

As someone else stated women usually take these escapades to their grave, so it is hard to really judge sometimes.

[losangelena]

Lol. I have no idea what her number is. It is more or less how she describes these encounters. She is either ultra honest or ultra easy.

 

As someone else stated women usually take these escapades to their grave, so it is hard to really judge sometimes.

 

Lol, men do this, too.

[oregon0011]

Lol, men do this, too.

 

I am a guy dating women. Gets tedious when every reply is comparing what men do. Actually I thought men brag to all their buddies? Anyway not on topic.

[Natalie8]

Well logically, we all know women have a far easier time to obtain sex at any time. Perhaps only male rock stars or pro athletes can come close.

 

As an example, a girl could post on craigslist and within 2 hours have 500 men offering sex. Married, younger, older, rich, good looking, etc.

A similarly good looking man who posted would get zero replies.

 

So as a woman, would you feel dating a rock star would give you a better chance of landing a faithful guy, over say an accountant? Sure the accountant could cheat, but it would take a bit of effort and work.

 

The mind wanders when you are not with the girl who told you she is promiscuous. If I am dating a girl who had 3 guys by the age of 30, I am not instantly thinking she might be on her fourth guy if she doesn't answer the phone, has to work late, doesn't return a text for a night etc.

 

However, with the promiscuous girl that is one of your first thoughts. "Hmmm I have seen her in 3 days. Is she screwing someone else?" "She is a bit distant, did she screw someone else?" Kind of the same if you are dating a rock star who is on the road.

 

So I guess that is the issue. But the girls here are saying that while dating, or in a relationship they have no issue at all with being faithful even if they had a past

 

Rubbish! A average women wouldnt get many QUALITY replies. Quality men dont go onto Craiglist anyway but i also disagree that quality men would get 0 replies.

Rockstarts have beautiful women throwing themselves at them. An average/ pretty girl doesnt have the same life style as a rock star. This comparison makes no sense.

 

It is very sad that your first thought is " is she screwing someone else" if you dont hear from her. It should be " if she ok, has she had an accident? Have i upset her etc?"

You already made up your mind anyway and just want confirmation. No matter what women tell you here: having had several sex partners in the past doesnt mean she will cheat. Yes, women can get sex more easily but are perfectly capable of being faithful in a relationship.

If a guy - the accountant in your example- doesnt cheat because he is unable to get a girl to sleep with him then that not exactly good either. And maybe when he does find one who is willing to sleep with him then he will be so flattered and stuff that he wont be able to say no..

 

I dont think you should carry on dating this girl as it is obvious that this will always be an issue for you. Let her find someone who is less judgemental.

Edited November 13, 2015 by Natalie8

[losangelena]

I am a guy dating women. Gets tedious when every reply is comparing what men do. Actually I thought men brag to all their buddies? Anyway not on topic.

 

Plenty of my posts on this thread have been on-topic.

 

Question for you, though:

 

If this girl hadn't said anything about her past sexual experiences, would you still be concerned? Meaning, would that fear have popped up eventually? If neither of you had ever told the other one about any of your sexual history, would you still worry that she's cheating if she doesn't get back to you right away?

 

It's a bit counterintuitive, but I almost wonder if getting it out in the open isn't the better option. I might almost be more worried about someone who didn't want to say anything about their past or keep it hidden, as if there's something they don't want to admit. Just a thought.

 

I'm really just curious, by the way; not asking for any ulterior motive.

[salparadise]

Your lady doesn't see sex as anything special and gives it up at the drop of a hat. She might have changed...but you need to establish if that is the case.

 

^ Exactly. It doesn't mean she's automatically destined to cheat, but she certainly doesn't have inhibitions with respect to boinking strangers just for the fun of it.

 

So the real question then is, does she assign the same imperative, drawing the line so to speak, to absolute fidelity while in a relationship as a more chaste woman does to never having sex except within a committed relationship?

 

Or can she easily rationalize it as just good clean fun, and what he doesn't know it won't hurt him? Or does she crave validation through sexual attention from multiple men in such a way that it's not even a choice... just a need that must be met?

 

No one here can answer that for you. You have to make that determination for yourself, and if you're the kind of guy who attaches quickly... there is a possibility that it will cost you to find out.

[oregon0011]

^ Exactly. It doesn't mean she's automatically destined to cheat, but she certainly doesn't have inhibitions with respect to boinking strangers just for the fun of

 

Or can she easily rationalize it as just good clean fun, and what he doesn't know it won't hurt him? Or does she crave validation through sexual attention from multiple men in such a way that it's not even a choice... just a need that must be met?

 

No one here can answer that for you. You have to make that determination for yourself, and if you're the kind of guy who attaches quickly... there is a possibility that it will cost you to find out.

 

Exactly. That's what I was wondering. While talking to her she said t stems from her being insecure. Like she isn't of value unless for sexual reasons. So I'm not sure if that means she would cheat. It also came across like she had sex with the people to "please them" or "be nice".

[oregon0011]

Plenty of my posts on this thread have been on-topic.

 

Question for you, though:

 

If this girl hadn't said anything about her past sexual experiences, would you still be concerned? Meaning, would that fear have popped up eventually? If neither of you had ever told the other one about any of your sexual history, would you still worry that she's cheating if she doesn't get back to you right away?

 

It's a bit counterintuitive, but I almost wonder if getting it out in the open isn't the better option. I might almost be more worried about someone who didn't want to say anything about their past or keep it hidden, as if there's something they don't want to admit. Just a thought.

 

I'm really just curious, by the way; not asking for any ulterior motive.

 

I don't think I would have really cared. It's just when it is mentioned you then sort of picture it. I don't ask girls I date about who they had sex with.

[losangelena]

^ Exactly. It doesn't mean she's automatically destined to cheat, but she certainly doesn't have inhibitions with respect to boinking strangers just for the fun of it.

 

So the real question then is, does she assign the same imperative, drawing the line so to speak, to absolute fidelity while in a relationship as a more chaste woman does to never having sex except within a committed relationship?

Or can she easily rationalize it as just good clean fun, and what he doesn't know it won't hurt him? Or does she crave validation through sexual attention from multiple men in such a way that it's not even a choice... just a need that must be met?

 

No one here can answer that for you. You have to make that determination for yourself, and if you're the kind of guy who attaches quickly... there is a possibility that it will cost you to find out.

 

I agree with this. It really does depend on how this girl views sex, and it's something you will only be able to determine over time as you get to know her if you choose to keep seeing her.

 

Now that Pandora's box has been open, it's up to you to figure out whether or not it's worth it to keep at it with her. Good luck.

[salparadise]

Exactly. That's what I was wondering. While talking to her she said t stems from her being insecure. Like she isn't of value unless for sexual reasons. So I'm not sure if that means she would cheat. It also came across like she had sex with the people to "please them" or "be nice".

 

Hmmm. People pleaser, insecure = need for validation.

 

There is a risk/reward equation... how much are you into her independently of this question? Maybe she has done a lot of growing up since then and her values have changed, or maybe not. You have to figure these things out for yourself.

 

You could start dating and just pay close attention to how she conducts herself. If she's a terrible flirt it would not be good news. If she is calm and focused, not anxious/neurotic or chasing validation, maybe fine.

 

This pretty much goes for any woman... if they need external validation, and if they sexualize it and seek attention from other men, it's better to be one of the other men than to get in a relationship and fall in love... cause it's probably going to be a wild ride.

[oregon0011]

Hmmm. People pleaser, insecure = need for validation.

 

There is a risk/reward equation... how much are you into her independently of this question? Maybe she has done a lot of growing up since then and her values have changed, or maybe not. You have to figure these things out for yourself.

 

You could start dating and just pay close attention to how she conducts herself. If she's a terrible flirt it would not be good news. If she is calm and focused, not anxious/neurotic or chasing validation, maybe fine.

 

This pretty much goes for any woman... if they need external validation, and if they sexualize it and seek attention from other men, it's better to be one of the other men than to get in a relationship and fall in love... cause it's probably going to be a wild ride.

 

Ok. Let me explain better. It really isn't her "past". These things occurred in the months leading up to meeting me. And she actually seems way more insecure than flirtatious.

 

And yes. She is very giving to me. Puts me first. Would be a great gf. Seemingly. But I guess this is her side that seeks approval that also led her to be promiscuous.

[JGirl83]

Well, if it happened before you got together then it is her PAST. Even if it wasnt decades ago it is still the past. And i assume she was single then. So not hurting anybody. I dont see a correlation between having numerous sexual partners and the inability to stay faithful. Unless the reason for the numerous past partners was some kind of sex addiction. But if she just enjoyed sex or exploring or was looking for love but happened to find sex..well now she has a relationship and a good sex life- so you say..so why the concern?

Anyway, cheating is rarely just about wanting sex with another person real badly. There is emotional cheating too and i think that is a lot worse.

So what i mean is that she could be a virgin and still cheat and not even because she craves sex with another person that much but for some other reason. If she gave you no reasons not to mistrust her then what she got up to in terms of sex when she was single shouldnt concern you.

Im not sure why she shared details with you though. I find that very crass.

Cheating is a horrible disrespectful thing to do, while being promiscous while one is single is not betraying anyone so i think it is unfair to suggest that women who have a higher number will be unfaithful. One could argue that a person with a really low number will be unfaithful because they want to experience more/ other stuff. Or one can argue that the one who has the lower number will cheat because they feel inferior and want to prove things to themselves. See where im going? If you want to be suspicious then you can always find a way to justify your suspicion. But it will just eat you up and ruin things. Hopefully she is confident about her wants and needs and so are you, and you guys can communicate openly.

[anna121]

Exactly. That's what I was wondering. While talking to her she said t stems from her being insecure. Like she isn't of value unless for sexual reasons. So I'm not sure if that means she would cheat. It also came across like she had sex with the people to "please them" or "be nice".

 

Just know that a lot of people find all kinds of reasons to explain their past, because they are made to feel ashamed of it. So it becomes pathologized.

 

It is just as likely that she was doing what she wanted to do. At least some of the time.

 

Does it mean she is more likely to cheat? No.

 

Does it mean that she is not the right girl for you? Given your posts in this thread, um, yup.

[Shepp]

And my question for the guys would be, would this bother you? Could you trust a girl who was promiscuous? Do you feel your girl is kind of lying when she says she only had a few partners? Does it not make any difference?

 

 

Couldn't care less who she's slept with before. I've said before, they had their shot, they let her slip through their fingers, I don't intend to make the same mistake - jokes on them!

 

 

That said, I don't want to hear the actual details of what she's done where in the past... that just isn't something I think you should band about. I wouldn't talk about girls like that, I find it unattractive if people try to almost impress you by bragging about how 'wild' they've been - like get over yourself, y'know?

[oldshirt]

Oregon, there are actually a couple different things here.

 

For starters I really don't think there is necessarily a direct relation between past promiscuity and cheating. A person with 0 or 1 prior partners can cheat just as much as a porn star or stripper.

 

And a porn star or stripper can be just as faithful in a relationship as a church girl.

 

Where I think the distinction lays is in the example of your friend that had another man because her BF hadn't txt back. I think that is the real risk. I think a promiscuous person can be just as faithful as the next when things are going great and it's warm and sunny out.

 

The risk will come when the skies are grey and the seas are stormy.

 

Someone who has a Modus Oporandi of multiple, superficial, casual hook ups is going to be more inclined to jump ship and seek fun and excitement and comfort in the arms of others when she's feeling neglected or insecure or unappreciated.

 

If you can guarentee that your GF will never feel unappreciated or neglected or unfulfilled forever and ever, then you have nothing to worry about.

 

But in the real world, there will be periods of hardship, turbulance and rainy days. A person that has a habit of serial, shallow hook ups for fun and ego boost, they are going to be more likely to abandon ship and grab their next ego boost and strokes at the bar.

[oldshirt]

The other issue here that is a valid nuts and bolts concern is if you two simply have different values and mores in regards to sexuality and relationships.

 

If you value sexuality within the context of serious relationships and she screws the doctor on the exam table because it sounds fun at the moment, then you have some serious incompatibility in some very basic, foundational aspects of a relationship.

 

I'm not sure a worrying about her cheating simply because she's been with numerous people is a valid concern.

 

But if you two have differing values and mores about sexuality, that is a valid concern.

[JGirl83]

 

Where I think the distinction lays is in the example of your friend that had another man because her BF hadn't txt back. I think that is the real risk. I think a promiscuous person can be just as faithful as the next when things are going great and it's warm and sunny out.

 

The risk will come when the skies are grey and the seas are stormy.

 

Someone who has a Modus Oporandi of multiple, superficial, casual hook ups is going to be more inclined to jump ship and seek fun and excitement and comfort in the arms of others when she's feeling neglected or insecure or unappreciated.

 

If you can guarentee that your GF will never feel unappreciated or neglected or unfulfilled forever and ever, then you have nothing to worry about.

 

But in the real world, there will be periods of hardship, turbulance and rainy days. A person that has a habit of serial, shallow hook ups for fun and ego boost, they are going to be more likely to abandon ship and grab their next ego boost and strokes at the bar.

I disagree.

I think that particular friend of him had sex with another guy to spite her boyfriend for not texting back. Which is a horribly way to react. But i dont think that it was her promiscous past that made her like that.

I dont think that just because a person , male or female, had more sexual partners then they will jump ship faster than others. Maybe having had many casual hookups will make them value a proper relationship more and they are willing to put the effort in and fight to save it.

A person who had sex with more people than some regard as average or normal can love and respect their partner just as much. And then they wont jump ship easily. People who have a modus operandi of not communicating well or not being able to deal with disagreements, fights and negative emotions will carry on jumping ships when issues arise. But i dont see why having a promiscous past would make someone like that.