Thoughts on dating a girl with a promiscuous past

[RedRobin]

Yeah. Let's pretend men and women are the same. I never heard a woman say "oh I would date this guy but to many women slept with him before because he is so charismatic, rich, cool and good looking"

 

...you just did. (Hear a woman say....)

 

...then again, I have always made my own money, so I don't put a man's financial success or status above their demonstrated values

 

You might be interested to know that I work with plenty of men who are charismatic, rich, cool, and good looking who are faithful. Lots of them married their high school or college sweethearts.

 

Ones values have nothing to do with how much money one has or what they look like.

[basil67]

The ironic thing is that there are women out there who hold the values you respect. But you don't hold the values they respect.

[htmshsj]

Promiscuous isn't very well-defined, and I whole think the whole partner count thing is just stupid because it's out of context.

 

There will be plenty of people on here that will start going on about "slut-shaming" and all that, because they believe that you're suddenly looking down on this girl with contempt for her past behavior. And you might be, I don't know. If this is the case, abort.

 

However, it sounds to me like this is a situation where you have a new girl you really like and understandably don't want her to cheat on you because that would be a terrible experience that any rational person would want to avoid. Your insight is telling you that she represents a higher cheating risk than you're currently ok with, and I think you would be stupid to ignore you gut. The best thing you can do is bring this up in conversation and get some reassurance. That'll be a little touchy because you'll have to do without sounding judgmental--and realistically, I don't think you are looking down on her, you just want some reassurance that she's a good long term investment. Anyone intelligent with a healthy self-respect would want to do the same thing. And who knows, she might not be looking for anything serious anyway, and this is her way of kind of hinting at that.

 

Regarding "promiscuity" in general, the process of two people being sexually attracted to each other, getting to know one another a little and establishing some degree of mutual trust, then finally doing it once or a couple times before things finally fizzle out without a longterm relationship developing---is really really really common. Especially in your 20s and 30s when everybody's pretty fit and healthy, especially in relatively secular groups of people. Some women go through relationships for years where they feel no sexual attraction for the guy whatsoever but stay anyway out of love or duty or whatever, and when they finally get out they just want to have at least one sexual encounter accompanied by an actual "spark" for a change. And if it was a good experience, they may want to move on and have another before they settle back down (which they've now begun to associate with bad sex).

 

Despite the commonness of it, I will say this. In my experience, most of these same women still will insist that they've never had a one night stand or wouldn't dare have casual sex etc. They might have the aforementioned encounter I described above and let all the clothes come off but maybe won't quite let things progress the actual PIV. Or maybe they have a single encounter, but since they remained in contact with the guy for little bit afterwards, this doesn't fit their criteria for a ONS. Or maybe they came back a second time, so it still doesn't count as a ONS. And I can't say I blame them for doing this. They are simply avoiding being labeled, because many of these labels like "casual sex" and "one night stand" have very negative connotations despite the fact that they're participating in behavior that is fairly common and actually encouraged among the men.

 

Most women, especially if they're looking to get serious with a guy, won't just continue to flippantly volunteer stories about all their past sexual encounters. That's usually information you have to ask for, and I usually don't recommend doing that if there's no good reason because most women aren't going to (and shouldn't have to) tell you every extraneous detail anyway. I'd note if she seems really proud of herself, like she's using these stories to demonstrate her value. There's nothing wrong with that, but just keep in mind that if her pride ever feels hurt in your relationship, you know what she can always do to make herself feel better!

 

Your thread is "thoughts on dating a girl with a promiscuous past," but I think it would probably be better labeled as "thoughts on dating a girl I worry is going to cheat on me." I think that's the primary issue you need to address with her.

[JGirl83]

It's actions, not words.

 

Women are after the guy who had many conquests, because he exhibits the traits women want. Thus he had manyconquests. Women aren't wanting a guy who slept with 1 woman in the past lol. Not do they really care about his past. They are just happy to be arojnd this successful cool guy.

 

So not true.

Just because he had many girls it doesnt mean he has the qualities i want. The qualities i want has nothing to do with whether he can get girls into bed (whether with charm or manipulation or with the help of alcohol, it is not exactly hard).

There are plenty of chavs who have 5 kids with different women , so they are obviously good at getting a girl to sleep with them but are absolutely not cool, successful guys that women are just happy to be around.

You are a good example for this actually. Without knowing you i know that you have a high number yet without knowing you i also know that you dont exhibit the traits im after..for you are a hypocryte.

Come on! Do you seriously believe what you write.

[oregon0011]

So not true.

Just because he had many girls it doesnt mean he has the qualities i want. The qualities i want has nothing to do with whether he can get girls into bed (whether with charm or manipulation or with the help of alcohol, it is not exactly hard).

There are plenty of chavs who have 5 kids with different women , so they are obviously good at getting a girl to sleep with them but are absolutely not cool, successful guys that women are just happy to be around.

You are a good example for this actually. Without knowing you i know that you have a high number yet without knowing you i also know that you dont exhibit the traits im after..for you are a hypocryte.

Come on! Do you seriously believe what you write.

 

This is funny

 

There are so many double standards when it comes to men and women.

 

Many women want a high earner even if they are not themselves.

 

Many women want a tall guy even if they are short.

 

Many women feel a guy should pay for dates to show he is generous. Yet they exclude themselves from this act of generosity.

 

So yes , also, many men who have had sex with many women want a woman who has not. I mean I can't believe this is even a debate. I guess the one double standard not in the favor of women really upsets some women

[thecrucible]

Hate when these threads crop up. When I find the man for me, I've learned that he won't give a crap about my number. I've not lived my life denying my urges so I meet the approval of a mystery future husband. Hell! I could drop dead tomorrow for all I know.

 

I've actually had guys be put off by my number (which isn't even that high in average circles) but then come back to me when they realise they've made a mistake. Only by that point I am not interested anymore.

 

To everyone out there who is paranoid about who will accept them for their 'number' whether it's low or high, just don't worry. Live your life. Everything will fall into place with the right person.

 

What I dislike about these threads is that they make the world seem so black and white.

[JGirl83]

This is funny

 

There are so many double standards when it comes to men and women.

 

Many women want a high earner even if they are not themselves.

 

Many women want a tall guy even if they are short.

 

Many women feel a guy should pay for dates to show he is generous. Yet they exclude themselves from this act of generosity.

 

So yes , also, many men who have had sex with many women want a woman who has not. I mean I can't believe this is even a debate. I guess the one double standard not in the favor of women really upsets some women

Yes, double standards- men want someone with a vagina even if they dont have it themselves

But seriously, your response makes no sense in response to my post. Im not talking about short guys or whatever.

Im talking about a grown man -you!- suggesting that women are just happy to be around a cool successful guy who bedded lots of women because having the ability to bed lots of women is a trait that women are after. Since im a women i can comment and say to you that it is not true in my case because having the ability to bed women is nothing to do with being cool or successful. A guy can use deceit and manipulation to get girls into bed - doesnt make him a cool successful guy. It makes him a loser. And im not happy to be around a loser.

It doesnt mean that every guy who has the high number is loser or manipulative.

Yes, women want a cool succesful guy and are happy to be around a cool successful guy= happy, positive, driven, caring and has integrity.

He might also have had many partners, then so be it. He might not, then so be it. But gaving had many partners wont automatically make him cool and succesful.

And just to also comment about you saying that women dont care about the past. Well, i do. But not really about the numbers per se. More about how he treated people in the past, what tone his uses to describe women in his past, what lessons he learned.

There you go. Dont make women out to be some simplicistic creatures who get their knickers wet if they can be around a guy with many notches. It is more complex than that. We are more complex than that ( and so are men)

[Woggle]

I won't attempt to speak for any woman on this board but I have never seen a known player struggle with women. That is simply something I have observed.

[ManyDissapoint]

Number count matters to me and for many but by no means all men that I know.

 

It's really a function of the reptile brain and not something that can be changed in the way I view it.

 

There are a few women who would not date me because of my partner count, and I hold no ill will toward them for that.

[oregon0011]

Well, I think this one is over anyway.. I believe she is a cluster b personality type for various reasons, but this is what happened..

 

We had an amazing time last weekend... She asked if I could do this weekend as well.. I said yes, let's do it.. Since I met her she has been "love bombing me" Everything about me is the best, unique, amazing, wonderful etc..

 

So she texts me every morning when she wakes up, every night before bed, and I try to keep these exchanges short.. She is constantly mentioning how she cant wait to see me etc..

 

So then it starts to get strange... The morning of our date she tells me her boss wants her to babysit.. Asks me if she should cancel... I said ok, cancel... She cancels, tells me how excited she is etc..

 

Then an hour later she texts me that she will go to the gym after work, then straight to my house.. Ok, this is odd, but i say fine.. We agree on 6.

 

So at 530 she texts me that she forgot her running shoes, and needs them for tomorrow to run with her mom.. (she was going to spend the night and meet her mom at noon) i mean she couldn't wait to see me all week, now will take an extra 2 or 3 hours to drive home and back when I live 5 minutes from her work..

 

So after a week of build up, at 5:30 pm her text was along these lines..

 

"I am so stupid! I forgot my running shoes.. So I will go home and get them tonight then come to your place if you are still up for it"

 

I am thinking this is so odd, we planned this for an entire week, talk daily, and now she is phrasing it like "If I still am up for it".

 

So I said "Why cant you get them in the morning,, But anyway, when would you be ready"

 

Then she didn't text back for 40 minutes... She finally did text back, then was making small talk...So I asked again, what time, and she was like "Now I have to go to walmart too..Wish I didn't have to come home, now I don't feel like leaving"

 

So i said, well ok, another time...

 

Then she said "But I want to see you, will you still see me?"

 

I said, yes of course.. I'm at home"

 

Then she said some real long text about how she isn't ready to date, is stressed, wants to be alone etc..

 

I am thinking WTF....

 

So I said "Ok, well I was really interested, but I understand"

 

Then she comes back with, "You are the man for me.. I fell for you.. i will continue to send you pictures of myself, and lets talk daily, laugh like we do, and maybe get together when we can"

 

Just completely strange behavior in all ways now..

Edited November 15, 2015 by oregon0011

[ManyDissapoint]

Games games and no moral inventory.

[losangelena]

Ha, yeah I'll say so. Sorry, man. Better to find it all out now, though.

[JGirl83]

I have no idea what a cluster b personality type is but what you described is very odd behaviour.

Im sorry it didnt work out but you would have worried about the cheating thing anyway..so maybe thats for the best.

[sandylee1]

It's actions, not words.

 

Women are after the guy who had many conquests, because he exhibits the traits women want. Thus he had manyconquests. Women aren't wanting a guy who slept with 1 woman in the past lol. Not do they really care about his past. They are just happy to be arojnd this successful cool guy.

 

Any woman can open her legs. It takes no charisma, skill, beauty, or brains.

 

Sorry but as a woman, I disagree.

 

I don't or didn't want a guy that banged any living breathing female. We used to say the guys such a player he'd bang a hole in the wall. It's not an attractive quality for me.

 

Women do care about a man's past.....you always get the warnings of stay away from him...He's a player...he'll break your heart.

 

It might help to listen to what women here are telling you or accept that women are different.

 

ETA ' She's terribly confused isn't she.

Edited November 15, 2015 by sandylee1
Just saw your last post

[kismetkismet]

That is absolutely bizarre behaviour. I would get out of that situation asap and try to find someone who knows what they want and isn't going to play games with you.

[kismetkismet]

It's actions, not words.

 

Women are after the guy who had many conquests, because he exhibits the traits women want. Thus he had manyconquests. Women aren't wanting a guy who slept with 1 woman in the past lol. Not do they really care about his past. They are just happy to be arojnd this successful cool guy.

 

Any woman can open her legs. It takes no charisma, skill, beauty, or brains.

 

OH god. grow up and try to join us in the 21st century .... women are not after slutty guys, and i should hope that men aren't after virgins - they will be just as ****ty in bed as virgin males.. is that what you want?

[Qboro90]

Well, I think this one is over anyway.. I believe she is a cluster b personality type for various reasons, but this is what happened..

 

We had an amazing time last weekend... She asked if I could do this weekend as well.. I said yes, let's do it.. Since I met her she has been "love bombing me" Everything about me is the best, unique, amazing, wonderful etc..

 

So she texts me every morning when she wakes up, every night before bed, and I try to keep these exchanges short.. She is constantly mentioning how she cant wait to see me etc..

 

So then it starts to get strange... The morning of our date she tells me her boss wants her to babysit.. Asks me if she should cancel... I said ok, cancel... She cancels, tells me how excited she is etc..

 

Then an hour later she texts me that she will go to the gym after work, then straight to my house.. Ok, this is odd, but i say fine.. We agree on 6.

 

So at 530 she texts me that she forgot her running shoes, and needs them for tomorrow to run with her mom.. (she was going to spend the night and meet her mom at noon) i mean she couldn't wait to see me all week, now will take an extra 2 or 3 hours to drive home and back when I live 5 minutes from her work..

 

So after a week of build up, at 5:30 pm her text was along these lines..

 

"I am so stupid! I forgot my running shoes.. So I will go home and get them tonight then come to your place if you are still up for it"

 

I am thinking this is so odd, we planned this for an entire week, talk daily, and now she is phrasing it like "If I still am up for it".

 

So I said "Why cant you get them in the morning,, But anyway, when would you be ready"

 

Then she didn't text back for 40 minutes... She finally did text back, then was making small talk...So I asked again, what time, and she was like "Now I have to go to walmart too..Wish I didn't have to come home, now I don't feel like leaving"

 

So i said, well ok, another time...

 

Then she said "But I want to see you, will you still see me?"

 

I said, yes of course.. I'm at home"

 

Then she said some real long text about how she isn't ready to date, is stressed, wants to be alone etc..

 

I am thinking WTF....

 

So I said "Ok, well I was really interested, but I understand"

 

Then she comes back with, "You are the man for me.. I fell for you.. i will continue to send you pictures of myself, and lets talk daily, laugh like we do, and maybe get together when we can"

 

Just completely strange behavior in all ways now..

 

 

Wow that's a bizarre chain of communications on her part and definitely leads me to believe something is up. My question for you is if you ever confronted her or called her out on any of this that day?

 

When the excuses and bull**** stories started piling up you had every right to say "you're talking out of both sides of your mouth... My stance hasn't changed all week, you're telling me how excited you are to see me and now you're clearly doing something shady and using running shoes, babysitting, and Walmart excuses as reasons why you're unavailable. Either cut the bs and tell me what's actually going on, or spare me the run around and just say you're not ready to date anyone seriously right now."

 

She needs to be called out on her behavior. If you just say "yea I'm here whenever you're ready" in replies to her then you're just re-enforcing her to believe that she can make up **** and you'll go with the flow.

 

Ask her how she would react or what she would think if you were telling her the same things she's telling you.... She'd think you were up to something or at the very least not being fully honest with her.

[oregon0011]

Wow that's a bizarre chain of communications on her part and definitely leads me to believe something is up. My question for you is if you ever confronted her or called her out on any of this that day?

 

When the excuses and bull**** stories started piling up you had every right to say "you're talking out of both sides of your mouth... My stance hasn't changed all week, you're telling me how excited you are to see me and now you're clearly doing something shady and using running shoes, babysitting, and Walmart excuses as reasons why you're unavailable. Either cut the bs and tell me what's actually going on, or spare me the run around and just say you're not ready to date anyone seriously right now."

 

She needs to be called out on her behavior. If you just say "yea I'm here whenever you're ready" in replies to her then you're just re-enforcing her to believe that she can make up **** and you'll go with the flow.

 

Ask her how she would react or what she would think if you were telling her the same things she's telling you.... She'd think you were up to something or at the very least not being fully honest with her.

 

Yeah, it's not even worth it.. I just won't see her anymore...

 

It's too bad because the weekend before was excellent..

 

It sort of ended with her telling me she isn't ready to date anyone, I said ok no problem, and then she again said she really likes me, wants to talk, and maybe hang out more.. I guess going out to dinner, having sex, sleeping together is ok if called hanging out, but not dating? lol

 

The entire fiasco made me wonder if I was going crazy..

[salparadise]

I have no idea what a cluster b personality type is but what you described is very odd behaviour.

 

In a nutshell, very odd behaviour... characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders.

 

The entire fiasco made me wonder if I was going crazy..

 

It will make you crazy. Sexual disinhibition, thrill-seeking, risk-taking, etc. as you described is associated with the cluster b disorders. It's good that you recognized it early and didn't get drawn in.

[oregon0011]

In a nutshell, very odd behaviour... characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorders.

 

 

 

It will make you crazy. Sexual disinhibition, thrill-seeking, risk-taking, etc. as you described is associated with the cluster b disorders. It's good that you recognized it early and didn't get drawn in.

 

Yes, i dated enough of them by now..

 

They have several characteristics, but usually in dating they are the most loving, sexual, intense, complementative women imaginable, immediately and usually for a couple months, but then do things like the above out of nowhere and disappear.. leaving you to wonder what you did wrong..

[oregon0011]

Would you guys write her an email explaining how strange what she has been doing is? Or just drop it?

[losangelena]

Would you guys write her an email explaining how strange what she has been doing is? Or just drop it?

 

In the hopes that what? She'll change her ways?

 

I mean, if this is eventually what happens:

 

Yes, i dated enough of them by now..

 

They have several characteristics, but usually in dating they are the most loving, sexual, intense, complementative women imaginable, immediately and usually for a couple months, but then do things like the above out of nowhere and disappear.. leaving you to wonder what you did wrong..

 

Then I say you're lucky for having seen the warning signs early and to quit while you're ahead.

 

If you find yourself attracted to that kind of woman naturally (since in your words, you've "dated enough of them by now"), then maybe this is a good point for some self-reflection. I'm sure you want more from a relationship than a couple of months of intense loving followed by intense histrionics, and if that's the case, it may behoove you to avoid women with those characteristics in the first place. As yourself why you find women like that so attractive in the first place, since you know relationships with them never go anywhere. I almost guarantee it's nothing you "did wrong."

 

As far as this particular woman is concerned, I don't think emailing her will really help the situation.

[oregon0011]

In the hopes that what? She'll change her ways?

 

I mean, if this is eventually what happens:

 

 

 

Then I say you're lucky for having seen the warning signs early and to quit while you're ahead.

 

If you find yourself attracted to that kind of woman naturally (since in your words, you've "dated enough of them by now"), then maybe this is a good point for some self-reflection. I'm sure you want more from a relationship than a couple of months of intense loving followed by intense histrionics, and if that's the case, it may behoove you to avoid women with those characteristics in the first place. As yourself why you find women like that so attractive in the first place, since you know relationships with them never go anywhere. I almost guarantee it's nothing you "did wrong."

 

As far as this particular woman is concerned, I don't think emailing her will really help the situation.

 

I agree... it was just a thought that came across my mind..

 

if you are a guy seeking a woman, there is single, sexy, and sane. You can only have 2..So many of these "less sane" women are out their doing a ton of dating and they are also good to look at.. Sometimes hard to resist a hot girl who says all the right things to get you interested..

[Oregon_Dude]

I think your "GF" is an attention whore who gives it up waaaay too easily, likely has a personality disorder, and will crush your f*cking soul if you let her.

 

Bang her, sure, but do NOT get feelings for this one. She's what we call "fun".

[BlueIris]

I think your "GF" is an attention whore who gives it up waaaay too easily, likely has a personality disorder, and will crush your f*cking soul if you let her.

 

Bang her, sure, but do NOT get feelings for this one. She's what we call "fun".

 

How demeaning. Repulsive.