My mother has severe abandonment issues and is becoming suicidal.

[sunrise24]

Over the past couple of days, my mother initiated some heart-to-heart conversation with me, after not being able to get the heater in her new car fixed. She disclosed that she is at the end of her rope.

 

***

 

Background:

My mother had a traumatic upbringing. At the age of 7, she was molested by her oldest brother. Her parents divorced when she was 13 and her mother sent her to live with her father and new stepmother; her mother effectively abandoned her.

My mother's father and stepfather were severely abusive toward her, physically and psychologically; she was also raped by her stepmother's grandfather in her teens. She was given up for foster care when she was 17.

 

My mother married at 19, and gave birth to my brother at 20, the latter being her biggest regret and the reason why she dropped out of college. Her first husband was not able to hold a steady job, so she divorced him. His family retaliated by blacklisting her from the community, severing her relationship with my brother (he was 5).

 

My mother met my father a couple years later, and he was also very abusive toward her; she separated from him when I was 2. As time passed, she got into abusive, codependent relationships with several subsequent men, demonstrated herself to be a compulsive spender, and rescued a large number of cats, 3 of whom she still has, despite not being able to reliably afford her own place for years. As previously discussed, she also coddled over me to a degree that strongly discouraged my development as an independent adult.

 

***

 

At present, I have retained my current job, with a fairly steady (albeit smaller than in the beginning) income, and she still does not have a regular job, relying on occasional gigs and Uber driving (which she says she can't do as often, now that the weather has been getting colder).

 

Yes, a common response at this point is "she should just get a job, any job!" I know her well enough to know she would never agree to that.

 

I've been making more money than she has the whole time I've had my current job. I moved back into the household where my mother has been staying (the head of the household was fine with it) because I didn't want to keep dealing with an overload of emotional drama on my mother's end, and also because my own car was no longer reliable for the nature of my work (that's when we got the new car that we now share).

 

Meanwhile, the head of the household has imposed a December 15 deadline for us to be out.

While I'm mapping out options for how I can continue on my own, my 57-year-old mother still does not have the income to afford a car that is in her name, let alone afford rent; she has been depending on me to keep her afloat. Having 3 cats to take care of only adds to the challenge of finding places that will take her in. The only person who has offered her a place to stay is a cocaine addict.

 

***

 

So, as my mother was telling me all these stories of how hard her life has been: getting married and having a child she wasn't prepared for, the long history of abusive men, the friends who betrayed her, the compulsive spending, the compulsive cat rescuing, the hovering over me...

I responded that all of it points to severe abandonment issues. She admitted to this. I then asked her if she has told a professional any of this, to which she admitted that she has not.

 

I drove home the point that the help she truly needs is not help I can give her, because I'm not a licensed professional, I have my own financial hole to dig myself out of, and she sees me as an child.

At first, she denied treating me like a child and countered that her yelling at me was in response to me acting like a child. I pointed out that she yells at me every time I make decisions that are without her approval and not according to her expectations.

I drove this home by saying "last time I checked, a 28-year-old man is expected to be capable of making his own decisions without going to his parents. Sure, they're not always great decisions, but that's just part of growing up." Finally, she relented and admitted that I was right.

 

She insists that she just wants to feel loved by me. I responded: "The best way I can show you love is to inspire you to take care of yourself." I also emphasized that she needs professional help.

 

It is apparent to me that all the years of codependent helicopter parenting, her issues around control and separation... it originates from her abandonment issues that developed from her traumatic childhood. I believe that subconsciously, she equates my going out on my own as an independent adult with my abandoning her.

 

***

 

More established adults frequently, and rightfully, point out to those who can't support themselves that their parents aren't always going to be around to help them.

In my case, a role reversal has occurred: my mother can't continue to act like I'm always going to be around to buy her groceries for her, remind her to take her hormones, babysit her cats, pay her bills for her, play her lotto for her, put gas in her car for her, do research for her... she depends on me far more than I depend on her nowadays.

 

Speaking of role reversal, if current trends continue, I could very easily end up outliving my mother. All the years of rejection from failed relationships, to failed jobs, to failed business opportunities, to failed goals... it all seems to have driven her to the edge. Yesterday, my mother disclosed to me that if things don't improve for her by her birthday, 4.5 months away, she will take her own life. She previously tried to take her own life when she was 15.

 

***

 

Even though I have not felt close to my mother in years, I still wonder if there's anything that can be done on my end, lest I prepare for a life post maternal suicide.

 

> What are your thoughts on what I've illustrated regarding my relationship with my mother?

 

> What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

> What would you do if you were in my mother's situation?

Edited November 13, 2015 by sunrise24

[basil67]

Wow, that is a really tough situation for you to be in. I would suggest you drag her along to family counselling. The goal being for them to get her into ongoing therapy and to give you strategies which are supporting but not enabling.

 

As she's unemployed, could she access mental health care under some type of Medicare program?

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'd take care of her and show her how much I love her.

She's your mother. As much as you may disagree, as much as you may not see, as much as you be annoyed, she's still your mother.

I'm not a mama's boy. But I love and recognize how much my Mother HAS done for me. I don't get along with her at all, mainly because we share such different perspectives, but that doesn't take away from how much I love her and how much I'd quietly suffer while taking care of her.

[anika99]

I'd take care of her and show her how much I love her.

She's your mother. As much as you may disagree, as much as you may not see, as much as you be annoyed, she's still your mother.

I'm not a mama's boy. But I love and recognize how much my Mother HAS done for me. I don't get along with her at all, mainly because we share such different perspectives, but that doesn't take away from how much I love her and how much I'd quietly suffer while taking care of her.

 

I both like and dislike the above quote. I like it mainly because I'm a mom to 2 boys and I find the devotion to your mom touching. I dislike it because at 57 yrs old this woman is fully capable of taking care of herself and what she is doing to her daughter smacks of emotional abuse and manipulation. There is a big difference between taking care of a senior parent because they are truly unable to care for themselves and taking care of a younger able bodied parent who has decided to burden their child just because they can. The mother is this story probably truly does need some professional counselling but she is also taking advantage of the OP.

 

OP you are in a tough spot as it is hard to say no to a parents demands. You sound very mature and I like that you pointed out to your mom that she needs more help than you can provide. Maybe start making some of your own demands. Let your mom know that you will only continue to help her if she starts taking steps to help herself. Help her set small goals. Like researching and finding counselling. Obtaining a steady job. Let her know that you love her and want the best for her but you cannot be her sole source of emotional and financial support.

[Sweet108]

If I were you I'd report her suicide threats so she can get the help she needs.

She's had a challenging life, ok. That's not an excuse for her to ignore her mental health needs, or for you to have to do all of these things for her.

Suicide threats are serious.

[nescafe1982]

First, I applaud your maturity in dealing with your mother. She's had a rough go of it, but from the sounds of it, so have you. And the way you relate her story is so generous, so compassionate, and so healthy that I'm basically stunned. You seem to have a very good head on your shoulders and you're carrying one heck of a burden right now.

 

I think you have the right instincts here: you cannot fix this for her because you're her child and you are not a professional caregiver. She needs therapeutic intervention and a safe place to talk out her issues; from the sounds of it, she's felt powerless and out of control for a long time (hoarding, pet collecting, and helicopter parenting are all styles adopted by women who feel intense powerlessness; it's an attempt at feeling in control).

 

I agree with basil67. The most caring thing you can do for her is get her into therapy. Do it as a family session if that's what it takes... if you do it together, she might be more apt to go. And it also removes any stigma of going alone to 'fix what's wrong with me.'

 

Good luck, and my best wishes for your situation. It sounds difficult.

[sunrise24]

Updates:

 

My dilemma has intensified...

 

The head of the household has pushed her move-out deadline for us to Dec. 10. In addition, the housing option with the woman who is a cocaine user appears to have fallen through (not surprisingly), which has made the situation considerably more stressful than what I had already illustrated.

 

On my end:

Earlier today, I got a new car, which will enable me to drive for Uber.

This is my last week at my current job, during which I will be Ubering before the start of each shift. Afterward, I will replace the job with full-time Ubering.

My expenses are considerably higher now, but my moneymaking power is now greater still.

 

A couple months ago, I went to my 10-year high school reunion, which put me back in touch with a bunch of my schoolmates, one of whom has a place available within the aforementioned time frame.

 

On my mother’s end:

In light of the earlier move-out deadline and the issues with the woman who had previously offered her place, my mother is back at square one and is “praying for a miracle,” which is incidentally how she’s been getting by in life for quite some time.

In addition to her 3 cats, my mother has a bedroom suite with a California King-sized memory foam bed, which will make relocating that much more complicated on her end.

She barely has any money saved up for any kind of place, and the idea of renting a room (considerably cheaper than an entire apartment) is insulting to her; she has adamantly refused that option.

 

Due to my mother's health issues over the past 3 weeks, along with her care heater not working, she has not Ubered at all in that time period.

 

This morning, my mother told me that if she can’t find a place by ~Dec. 8, she will go back to the aforementioned other woman and ask to move in temporarily (the idea being “she owes me a place to stay while I’m looking”) or ask for a loan.

 

***

 

The core issue in the midst of all this remains my mother's abandonment issues; since I don't have pets of my own and can fit everything I own into the trunk of a car, relocating is not particularly challenging for me, but what about my mother?

 

With all that I've now been taking on: learning the ins and outs to doing well with Uber (a substantial adjustment in its own right, to continue improving my financial situation despite the sharp increase in my car expenses), preparing to address my student loans before they default, selling my old car, repairing my very poor credit, and now the logistics of therapy sessions (who's going to pay for them as long as she can't even afford all of her own bills?) to address my mother's abandonment issues...

 

I'm not sure how to balance all of this.

 

***

 

Three notable schools of thought have emerged over the course of my discussing my relationship with my mother:

 

1. DrReplyInRhymes concisely summarized what I've been doing for quite some time now, and my subconscious feelings that justify those decisions.

 

2. Several contributors have illustrated the importance of my setting boundaries for my mother to acknowledge. The problem I see with this approach is the fragile emotional state of mind that results from abandonment issues like my mother's, i.e. I fear that she may not be able to handle it and we'd have a falling out.

 

3. IMHO, littleplanet summed up this line of thinking best:

Worry about salvaging yourself first. Worry about salvaging anything with her later.

And later means when you truly feel like you're living like an established independent adult.

 

What if "later" is too late for my mother?

 

***

 

What are your thoughts at this point?

Edited December 1, 2015 by sunrise24