Need but not sure if this is the right place.

[goatboytone]

Hi, firstly let me apologise if this is not posted in the correct place. I will happily re-post it somewhere else if directed to do so. I will also try to make this as brief as possible.

 

I was a victim of quite severe childhood abuse at the hands of my Mother who suffered from bi-polar disorder and a very bad temper. One of my first memories was being beaten to the floor and then being hit until my abuser got tired at the age of about 3 or 4. The abuse continued throughout my childhood, being slapped for speaking at the wrong time, being hit round the head with a metal bar for trying to play with my Mum, her holding a sharp object up to my throat and trying to cut me (she had already stabbed my Father years previously), the list goes on. All the while being told that I was a worthless piece of s**t, etc. Because of her bi-polar there were also a lot of times when she would be very overly loving, almost smothering me, not letting me do things other boys would do because she was afraid I would be hurt.

 

I have tried very hard to forgive her and understand that she was just a sick lady in a time when her condition was not understood very well, but my upbringing has impacted on my life massively as you might imagine. I'm going to stick to how it has affected relationships as I don't want to be off topic. Before I do I want to explain that I have been in therapy for a long time and understand a lot of my actions come from trying to recreate the conditions of my relationship with my Mother and "fix" it. I tend to think that if I give my all in relationships, even to the point of sacrificing my own happiness, then I am bound to receive the stable, unconditional love I never received. Basically I know the reasons behind my mistakes, but I need advice on how to not keep repeating them if there is any out there.

 

I'm only really attracted to women who are unstable, selfish and promiscuous. I have very low self esteem and believe deep down that this is the kind of person I deserve to be with. Also I need extreme circumstances and emotions to feel things, I am numb to things that are on a normal level if that makes sense? While in a relationship I will basically forgive any transgression against me, cheating, physical abuse, emotional neglect etc. This has led to me being embroiled in one dragged-out, painful relationship after another. I want so badly to change the path of my life as I am almost 40 and would like to have a family, obviously this is not possible at the moment. Also these situations have lead to me occasionally becoming physically abusive too. I have lashed out at women I'm in a relationship with, I will put up with x amount of pain and then something in me will blow and I will lash out just like I did with my Mother to stop her abuse when I got old enough to physically fight her. This has only happened a handful of times in my life, but I hate myself for it, I don't ever want to hurt anybody.

 

My problem is that because a large part of me believes that I am worthless. I don't believe I deserve to do anything that could improve my self esteem and also as I mentioned previously I need extreme sensations to interest me. I am stuck in a place where the only thing that motivates me is to try and gain happiness from abusive, neglectful relationships. Has anybody else been in a similar situation they managed to break free from? I really want to change, but I can't see a path forward.

 

Thanks so much for reading.

Edited November 13, 2015 by goatboytone

[Luxanna]

Firstly I am sorry to hear about your mother and abusive upbringing. You have to remember that forgiveness does not mean it's okay. When you forgive someone you are saying that you have acknowledged their mistake and are going to try and look past it in hope of a better relationship. But this does not mean what they did was okay. So if you've been putting up with abusers or cheaters, one chance sure, but make it very clear that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable. And if they do it again you need to leave. YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

 

Self worth is a difficult thing. I don't believe anyone 'deserves' anything. I believe people should be free to do as they please, with reason. So if you are wanting a relationship then have one, weather or not you are worthy is not the issue. It's the fact that it's your life and you can do what ever you want with it. You are the one to decide what you are 'worthy' of and what you 'deserve'. So if you're in a relationship do what you enjoy, and they do what they enjoy. You both compromise to enjoy life together. When they are not willing to make this compromise do not be afraid to leave. This is not what you want and you, as an individual who has control over their own life, should leave it to find what you want. Plus hitting is never great, so you should try to consciously tell yourself not to do it to others.

 

All you have to do is look at your life. Think about what you want it to be. And then do what is needed to make it that way.

[goatboytone]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and your kind words. I only wish your advice were as east to put into practice as it was to read.

 

It's not just the fact that I don't believe I deserve a good relationship or that I believe I deserve to be cheated on, manipulated and abused. It's that emotionally I want to fix a bad woman, that is what I picture if you ask me to think what I want. I can sit here when I'm by myself and think logically that I would like a decent woman to raise a family with, but when I meet women it is only the damaged ones that I connect with, you could put me in a room full of women and I will walk out with the one who is liable to hurt me the most every time. Unfortunately I am attracted to extremes, according to my therapist this is because I had to numb myself emotionally as a child. It is almost like nice women do not even show up on my radar.

 

I guess my best option is to somehow find a "nice" woman who is also extreme in certain ways or somebody that wants to be "fixed" and would stay with me through this process? However at this point to me this seems a little unlikely.

Edited November 13, 2015 by goatboytone

[turnera]

My therapist had me right down a list of 'rights.' Things that any person should be able to have in a relationship. She told me to keep it on me and read it often enough to memorize it. And to refer to it whenever I'm in a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. If the person I'm with is trampling on any of those rights, I need to remove myself from the situation. Maybe you could start there - come up with your list of what you need in a woman, keep that list with you, and if you catch someone you're dating going against that list, tell her the truth and inform her that it's not acceptable and you may not be able to keep dating her if doing that thing is important to her. Then wait and see if she stops it.

[bathtub-row]

I, too, am very sorry for the horrible treatment you received in your most impressionable phase of life. It's completely horrendous.

 

I really have no expertise on this subject so please take what I suggest with a grain of salt. I think you need to back off from ALL romantic relationships for at least the next five years. And, no, I'm not kidding. I know you want a family but there's nothing stopping you from having that somewhere down the road. What I think you need to do for the next several years is to find a huge amount of peace and reconnect with yourself. Assuming you were ever able to connect with yourself. This is huge in terms of defining who you are, and knowing who you are at a very deep level. It also can re-center your life so that crazy behavior becomes unacceptable and a non-option for you.

 

The reason I suggest this is because I was in a relationship with someone who was verbally abusive and it was only time and space and peace that allowed me to heal from that. Today, I wouldn't even consider inviting someone like that into my life. It has no place in my life.

 

The other thing I would suggest is to volunteer one weekend a month helping people in need. This will bring you a great deal of satisfaction, compassion, and perspective. You'll start to feel good about yourself because you're helping others. Feeling good about yourself equals building your self-esteem.

 

Make sure that you live your life to the standards that will keep your conscience clean. If you misstep, don't beat yourself up but ask yourself, why did that make me feel bad? You'll start to build a new you if you do these things.

 

I know of someone who had an abusive mom. When he grew up, he became very successful, is extremely kind and close to his children. His marriage isn't great but it's not horrible either, and his life is nothing like what he grew up with. Just be good, learn to feel good by doing good and I believe you can turn things around. Then, and only then, you will find someone who reflects the person you have built yourself to be.

 

Get pissed at your mom. You have that right. She was a monster. Then forgive her. Then forgive yourself and continue to forgive yourself when you get it wrong. Find your peace, love yourself and then see where life takes you.

Edited November 16, 2015 by bathtub-row

[goatboytone]

My therapist had me right down a list of 'rights.' Things that any person should be able to have in a relationship. She told me to keep it on me and read it often enough to memorize it. And to refer to it whenever I'm in a situation that makes me feel uncomfortable. If the person I'm with is trampling on any of those rights, I need to remove myself from the situation. Maybe you could start there - come up with your list of what you need in a woman, keep that list with you, and if you catch someone you're dating going against that list, tell her the truth and inform her that it's not acceptable and you may not be able to keep dating her if doing that thing is important to her. Then wait and see if she stops it.

 

That is actually not a bad idea, quite simple in theory, whether I could be strong enough to stick to it in practice is another matter, have you managed to stick to it?

Thanks for your reply.

[goatboytone]

I, too, am very sorry for the horrible treatment you received in your most impressionable phase of life. It's completely horrendous.

 

I really have no expertise on this subject so please take what I suggest with a grain of salt. I think you need to back off from ALL romantic relationships for at least the next five years. And, no, I'm not kidding. I know you want a family but there's nothing stopping you from having that somewhere down the road. What I think you need to do for the next several years is to find a huge amount of peace and reconnect with yourself. Assuming you were ever able to connect with yourself. This is huge in terms of defining who you are, and knowing who you are at a very deep level. It also can re-center your life so that crazy behavior becomes unacceptable and a non-option for you.

 

The reason I suggest this is because I was in a relationship with someone who was verbally abusive and it was only time and space and peace that allowed me to heal from that. Today, I wouldn't even consider inviting someone like that into my life. It has no place in my life.

 

The other thing I would suggest is to volunteer one weekend a month helping people in need. This will bring you a great deal of satisfaction, compassion, and perspective. You'll start to feel good about yourself because you're helping others. Feeling good about yourself equals building your self-esteem.

 

Make sure that you live your life to the standards that will keep your conscience clean. If you misstep, don't beat yourself up but ask yourself, why did that make me feel bad? You'll start to build a new you if you do these things.

 

I know of someone who had an abusive mom. When he grew up, he became very successful, is extremely kind and close to his children. His marriage isn't great but it's not horrible either, and his life is nothing like what he grew up with. Just be good, learn to feel good by doing good and I believe you can turn things around. Then, and only then, you will find someone who reflects the person you have built yourself to be.

 

Get pissed at your mom. You have that right. She was a monster. Then forgive her. Then forgive yourself and continue to forgive yourself when you get it wrong. Find your peace, love yourself and then see where life takes you.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and your kind words and advice. I did spend a lot of time hating my Mother for how she had treated me, but as she grew old and passed away I just saw her as a confused sad old lady who regretted a lot in her life. And from the little I know of my Mother's upbringing it was no picnic either, it's hard to stay angry with her, but forgiveness is another matter. It's hard to forgive somebody for causing almost 40 years of pain, I know I would feel a lot better if I could just let go of it all though.

 

I will try to take on board your other advice, but damn, 5 years seems like such a long time to be alone! I am already socially awkward as it is, I can just imagine myself turning into some kind of hermit It does make sense in a way though, again it is whether I have the strength to do something like that, it seems huge.

 

Thank you again for your time and kindness.

[turnera]

That is actually not a bad idea, quite simple in theory, whether I could be strong enough to stick to it in practice is another matter, have you managed to stick to it?

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, it really helped. One of mine was "I have the right to not be yelled at," and when my H yelled at me once (the last time he ever did), I just calmly said "I have the right to not be yelled at and I don't deserve this" and I left the room. Seeing it in writing helps me VERBALIZE how I should be treated.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and your kind words and advice. I did spend a lot of time hating my Mother for how she had treated me, but as she grew old and passed away I just saw her as a confused sad old lady who regretted a lot in her life. And from the little I know of my Mother's upbringing it was no picnic either, it's hard to stay angry with her, but forgiveness is another matter. It's hard to forgive somebody for causing almost 40 years of pain, I know I would feel a lot better if I could just let go of it all though.

 

I will try to take on board your other advice, but damn, 5 years seems like such a long time to be alone! I am already socially awkward as it is, I can just imagine myself turning into some kind of hermit It does make sense in a way though, again it is whether I have the strength to do something like that, it seems huge.

 

Thank you again for your time and kindness.

 

See, the problem is, you're looking for a relationship to save you from yourself and this never works. You will attract negative people over and over again. This pattern will not stop until you stop it. Staying away from romantic relationships and making new friends, opening up to the world, figuring out your values and boundaries is what will turn things around for you.

 

If 5 years seems too long, then do it for six months and see how you feel. Even six months can restore your emotions and reset the meter. The thing is, if six months or a year or five years seems too long to you, don't forget that you can easily piss away 3 years on someone who walks all over you and destroys your self-esteem even more. Not only do you waste that time, you go backwards emotionally. So, yeah, five years seems like a long time but it's an investment in you, not in some wasted, soul-destroying relationship.

 

I just think you need to go deep inside yourself and become someone that a woman can respect and depend on, instead of being a guy that a woman disrespects and uses. You're the only one who can make that switch and it's not going to happen while you're with some abusing, cheating woman.

[turnera]

If you're having confidence problems, then the solution is to go out and ACCOMPLISH things. Build stuff, become good at a sport, volunteer to help other people, grow a garden, take a class...fill your life with accomplishments and you won't have time to worry.

[goatboytone]

Thank you all again for your sound advice. I do volunteer in several places and try to help others as much as I can. I tried learning another language to try and improve myself and have even started djing the music that I like with a few friends in bars and clubs in my city. My issue is that I don't get any pleasure or self esteem from things that somebody "normal" would. Anything I do I just have an internal voice telling me that I'm worthless and everything I do is pointless, it's literally been beaten into me. It's so bad that after years of therapy I'm considering going down the anti-depressant route even though I hate to do it. I'm not trying to act like I'm not grateful for the advice I really am, it's just a bit scary and sad when you get really good advice and realise that nothing seems to be working.

[turnera]

I know some people will tell you to stay away from antidepressants, but I've had great success with them, with no side effects. Can't even tell I'm on them, except that I feel more 'willing' to go out and do stuff. Your doctor can start you off on the lowest dosage and then work you up to a good level.

[spiderowl]

I am very sorry to hear of your background and it must have been an awful, unpredictable childhood for you. It is no wonder you don't know how to cope with a 'normal' steady type of relationship.

 

Other posters have given lots of suggestions as to how to maintain self-esteem and to protect your boundaries, but it seems important that you investigate further why you need the excitement and volatility in a relationship. Until you can find happiness with someone who isn't volatile, you will keep ending up in unpredictable and destructive relationships.

 

You are already aware that this is the kind of relationship that you feel attracted to. Have you discussed this with a therapist?

 

I shall probably get shot down here, but Erin Pizzey, who opened a women's refuge and campaigned on behalf of abused women (and men?) found that she could not help some women. She felt this was because they had become 'addicted' to the chemicals that are aroused in the body in a dangerous, adrenaline-fuelled situation. It was not their choice to become addicted but something that happened at some point in their lives and thereafter they ended up relationships where that kind of situation arose. There are many who disagree with this theory of hers because they think it implies that women want to be in abusive relationships. That's not what she was saying at all. She was pointing out the physical dependency that developed and which trapped women against their better instincts.

 

I don't know if this is of any help to you at all, but I thought I might as well put it out there for consideration. I really hope you find the peaceful, loving relationship you deserve. I can't begin to imagine what pain you have been through.

[goatboytone]

Hi spiderowl and thank you for your reply. Yes I have spoken extensively with therapists and also tried to search myself a lot as to why I always want excitement and volatility in relationships and I believe that I am constantly trying to recreate the emotional pain and instability I had growing up, and then try to make sense of it by fixing the relationship I am in and the woman that I am with. I am in effect trying to fix my Mother and get her to give me the stability I needed in my life.

 

I'm not sure about the theory of being addicted to the chemicals that bad relationships release although it seems plausible. I have gone through drug addiction and in a lot of ways my relationships are not entirely dissimilar.

 

Turnera I am worried about taking anti depressants for two reasons really one of them being that my Mother was on them for years and they never seemed to help her at all, the doses just got higher and higher. I am also worried about antidepressants actually making people suicidal as well. On my worst days I have a lot of suicidal thoughts already and obviously I don't want them to get worse.

[turnera]

If you talk to a psychiatrist about it, they will be able to find the right medicine to allay those fears. I took them once after my mom died, and I only took them for a few months, but they really helped me stop crying all the time; never knew I was taking anything. There are hundreds of different drugs out there for different types of people and purposes. Can't hurt to talk to someone, can it?