I see this girl I don't know (future coworker of my boyfriend) as a threat

[CrystalMinds]

Here I am again, trying to get rid of this jealousy for once and for all.

 

Long story short: my boyfriend and I are together for a year. I know a girl he also knows and I don't know why but i see her as a threat. He'll change jobs soon and he'll work at the same place she works. This gets me quite insecure and jealous. He knows how i feel about her and he told me it's just a girl he knows and gets along with. But still... he told me he texted her and a few others he knows there for some advice to get a bit more advantage to get that job. He's honest to me that he texted her, he said he wants to do that so I know he texts her and with what, which I really appreciate. He wants to work there because it's a lot closer to home. How do i get rid of that feeling because if he'll work there i'll be going mad, and I hate this and the fact that I see that girl as a threat even though I have zero reason to! Also, my boyfriend has never given me any reason to not trust him. He hates cheating and wouldn't disappoint me by doing something like that. He tells me he loves me on a daily base, shows me he loves me and cares for me and the whole deal. I feel so bad that I still feel jealous...

 

I asked my sister this and she gives me the advice of keeping a little thought book, writing my thoughts down, challenge those thoughts, ask myself why I feel this or that way and confront myself. So I'm gonna do that. Do you also have any ideas on other things to write in there?

[mystikmind2005]

perhaps a bit of philosophy might help?

 

It is better to be surprised by cheating than to live in fear of cheating.

 

Fear will not bring you any benefit, right or wrong, it won't lessen the pain, it will however put a negative effect on your relationship. Why pay such a price for a product that has no benefit?

 

When this fear comes, treat it as you would a dodgy salesman at the door, your not buying this defective product anymore.

Edited November 14, 2015 by mystikmind2005

[Redfisher]

perhaps a bit of philosophy might help?

 

It is better to be surprised by cheating than to live in fear of cheating.

 

Fear will not bring you any benefit, right or wrong, it won't lessen the pain, it will however put a negative effect on your relationship. Why pay such a price for a product that has no benefit?

 

When this fear comes, treat it as you would a dodgy salesman at the door, your not buying this defective product anymore.

 

Wow, I like this...Thanks

[ExpatInItaly]

Your sister gave you some good suggestions.

 

I think you need to identify specially what it is about this girl that triggers an insecurity in you. Is it her body? Her face? Her job? Sense of humour? There's something specific that's bothering you, and generally those things are a reflection of how we see that quality in ourselves. For example, if she has a great body but we're not so fit ourselves, that could be a reason. Identifying those triggers can go a long way in taking positive action to improve our self-perception.

 

Have they had previous interactions that bothered you?

[CrystalMinds]

Thanks for the replies! Maybe I do compare myself with her too much. Maybe I assume she's funny, happy, bubbly and carefree and all that. My jealousy started when I couldn't work for a while and this got me down, i wasn't the funny carefree girl i used to be. Maybe that's why i see her as a threat because i feel like the boring dull nagging girlfriend when she's all the fun to be around with... I'm trying to be my old funny happy self again.

[mystikmind2005]

Thanks for the replies! Maybe I do compare myself with her too much. Maybe I assume she's funny, happy, bubbly and carefree and all that. My jealousy started when I couldn't work for a while and this got me down, i wasn't the funny carefree girl i used to be. Maybe that's why i see her as a threat because i feel like the boring dull nagging girlfriend when she's all the fun to be around with... I'm trying to be my old funny happy self again.

 

Well i don't think it is too easy to force yourself to be your old funny happy self again? not for long anyway, life doesn't work like that.

 

Not only do you need to change your mind, but also If your environment is not giving you the emotional nourishment you need, then you need to change your environment!

 

It could be as simple as taking on a dance class, but make some changes to reinforce your decision to change your attitude

[PegNosePete]

i see her as a threat

How can she be a threat to your relationship?

 

If you fully trust your boyfriend then she could parade herself naked up and down in front of him and he wouldn't do anything except maybe give her his jacket to cover up.

 

If you think she is "a threat" then you need to figure out why you don't trust your boyfriend. Does he do or say things to make you think he is untrustworthy? Or is your lack of trust based on your own irrational fears? This is a trust issue, it's nothing to do with this other girl.

[CrystalMinds]

Well i don't think it is too easy to force yourself to be your old funny happy self again? not for long anyway, life doesn't work like that.

 

Not only do you need to change your mind, but also If your environment is not giving you the emotional nourishment you need, then you need to change your environment!

 

It could be as simple as taking on a dance class, but make some changes to reinforce your decision to change your attitude

 

That's true... I do go to the gym whenever I can, I try three/four times a week and that makes me feel somewhat better. I should actually just stop comparing myself to other women, but I don't know where that urge suddenly comes from :/

[CrystalMinds]

How can she be a threat to your relationship?

 

If you fully trust your boyfriend then she could parade herself naked up and down in front of him and he wouldn't do anything except maybe give her his jacket to cover up.

 

If you think she is "a threat" then you need to figure out why you don't trust your boyfriend. Does he do or say things to make you think he is untrustworthy? Or is your lack of trust based on your own irrational fears? This is a trust issue, it's nothing to do with this other girl.

 

That's true... I do have a history of being cheated on. But it's unfair of me to compare him to other guys and not trust him because of this comparison because he's not like them. He has never done anything for me to not trust him, it's just a little voice in my head that tells me he prefers someone funnier or fitter or blonde or more tan, or more... I don't know. I just don't really feel like I'm good enough for him anymore or other women are better.

[mystikmind2005]

That's true... I do go to the gym whenever I can, I try three/four times a week and that makes me feel somewhat better. I should actually just stop comparing myself to other women, but I don't know where that urge suddenly comes from :/

 

The urge is from mother nature isn't it? Biology - law of the jungle, survival of the fittest, competition for the best chance to reproduce, that kind of thing? Mother nature doesn't realize we are all civilized now! lol

[smackie9]

You sound young, and most who are young haven't fully developed emotionally. It's not until you get into your late 20's or early 30's it starts to fade. It's about maturity...the older/experienced you get, the less likely you get upset over things like this.

 

My husband will sit and have a beer with some ladies who are working the same job site that I have never met, he has worked around young hot waitresses, and even told me about it.....none of this bothers me in the least.

This comes in time, and for now it is difficult to control how you feel, especially when you are new in love. The thought of sharing them to the female population is daunting.

 

My advice is to keep busy, go out with your friends, get a hobby, workout, go shopping or do something you really enjoy to distract yourself. If you are sitting idle, your mind will wander down a negative road.

[PegNosePete]

He has never done anything for me to not trust him, it's just a little voice in my head that tells me...

Then sorry to say, it's not his issue or the other girl's, it's yours. It's all in your head. The only "threat" to your relationship is your own insecurity. Being insecure is very big turn off and a relationship killer. And when he's turned off you... well if he's decent he'll dump you before getting involved with someone else.

 

So you need to address this, with his help. Let him know he's done nothing wrong, and that you are aware it's your insecurity, not his behaviour, that is the problem.

 

Good luck!

[CrystalMinds]

I know it's not their issue, I know it's mine I told him about it (that I'm quite insecure, jealous and he has never given me any reason to believe he would cheat on me) and he does respond very well to it. I noticed it's not just her lately. In the beginning of our relationship and actually the whole relationship up until a month or two back, everything was fine and I wasn't jealous at all. It started a while back and I don't know why it just started or how to get rid of it. I do my best to look good, work out and try to be a good girlfriend.