Self Doubt

[SethDamien]

I'll give it straight, i'm a placer in our registration exams. After passing and receiving the awards, i landed on a decent job - climbed up company ladder and now lead a department in our company.

 

But despite the positives, I feel like i don't deserve them. I have senior work mates who are under my supervision - these are older people and have more experience than I, yet im the one giving orders. It makes me feel i should keep my head down.

 

I try my best to be firm at work, but i know its just a facade. One small misstep or a scolding from my betters and i feel like "how the heck did i land this job?" or fearful that they might think i topped the exam but still isn't worth a penny. My college dean is expecting me to give a lecture about the exams, some tips, etc, but i'm afraid i wont meet their expectations.

 

I feel like a fraud. Thoughts like "am I really the best guy for this?" or "did i really earn this?".

 

How do i trust my abilities again? (its not a big deal anyway like winning the Nobel prize), just need solid advice because its taking a toll on me. I have business negotiations that always keeps me on edge because i worry too much about how to deliver my words or how to act accordingly. There's always that feeling that i'm not good enough and i always feel like every negotiation is sure to fail.

[Erlaad]

Hi SethDamien,

I'd say I can totally relate to you but I wouldn't be sure about it. =P

Just kidding.

 

The feeling of self doubt can be a terrible experience, in my opinion because it is really, completely rooted in your own self. I cannot trust my own abilities in my core, so it radiates into everything I am and influences everything I do.

 

There are two advices I can give to you, one is from the internet and one from my personal experience:

1) Find a healer. By this I mean a psychologist, a true shaman healer, a spiritual mentor, even just a very good friend. But find someone who believes in you and has the tools to help you. It doesn't matter if you pay them or not, and if you do, try to keep it put of your mind (or you might begin doubting them). Find.someone who sees you objectively and can help you to believe in yourself again. For what you tell of yourself you seem like a good man with the heart in the right place, and who has not forgot about humility and virtue: you need the tools to make your light shine;

 

2) find the causes of your problem. If you are similar to me (which you look like) this might be self-esteem lack or a past trauma buried in your mind. Question everything you know about.yourself and keep digging your soul until you find the worm. Because you can't rebuild the house until the fire is out, right? So you need to figure out why are you feeling like this when objective reality seems to tell otherwise.

 

I hope these words can stir some good changes in you. You deserve what you have and you deserve happiness, like all of us.

 

Be well!

- Erl

[SethDamien]

Thank you @ Erlaad!

 

Since highschool, i werent what you call an achiever... i was a slacker, always stayed at home to play video games while all my friends are playing outside and having a social life. I wasnt an honor student either but i enjoyed reading a lot of encyclopedias and history books... i was a late bloomer if you would call it that.

 

In college, i met the most amazing girl who turned me around... from failing college algebra twice, to graduating best in our batch, she was always there keeping me inspired.

 

We broke up two years ago and I havent fully recovered from it. When i took the exam, i had it in mind that if i put my greatest effort she might notice me again, only to my dismay that she found somebody else. She congratulated me once but never looked back.

 

Now, with my award, i was given the honorary position in my company, but with what's happened, losing the girl that made it all possible, i feel like im back to my old self again, i lost my drive for everything...

 

based on what i just said, maybe you can asses how i can really fix my problem? Right now, i feel like my life is going nowhere.

[Zapbasket]

I want to point out to you a fallacy in your thinking that might be part of what's holding you back: YOU turned yourself around. Your ex didn't do that; YOU engineered that. She was inspiration only. This achievement, and your changed ways, are YOURS. You need to claim that, and take pride in what you have achieved. It takes a lot of vision and willpower to change, and you did that.

 

You have to trust that you deserve to be where you are. Another way to say that is that wherever you are is where you need to be. All you have to do is show up and try your best. One exercise that helps me is before I sit down to work on my book each day, I write out on a dry erase board three accomplishments I made that day or recently that I feel good about. Sometimes we get so focused on what we DIDN'T accomplish that we'd hoped to, that we don't even notice all the great things we're accomplishing every day.

 

Also, having people under you in the corporate chain that you feel are possibly even better qualified than you is a real boon, and it's a testament to you that you recognize their experience and skills. Help YOU by being a supervisor who enables members of the department be their best. Just because others have great experience, etc. doesn't negate your worthiness for the position you're in.

[truthtripper]

... After passing and receiving the awards, i landed on a decent job - climbed up company ladder and now lead a department in our company...

 

...But despite the positives, I feel like i don't deserve them....

It's ultimately the role of our parents/caretakers to instill in us a strong sense of self-worth and self-belief. You legitimately earned the job, so it seems the adults who raised you have in some way, taught you to self-doubt, which is a trauma. Also, that you are seeking self-belief exterior to yourself(your ex girlfriend) indicates some lack on your parents' part.

 

As Erlaad suggested, it takes reaching back into your past, to find the answers. The best thing to do, is find a good therapist who can guide you. It is an anxiety you're expressing.

 

Why hanker after your ex? There's no point, she has a new partner. You deserve a lady who loves and respects you and wants to spend time with you, not your ex.

[SethDamien]

I get your point @truthtripper

I grew up in a traditional family. I never question what my parents say because i always assumed it to be right.

I grew up with no discernment of my own, now however, i find myself in management.

 

I've had no problems so far with how i do my job, but it takes extra effort to hide my insecurities and sadness of two years especially since i work with my ex's new boyfriend (I supervise him)

[SethDamien]

@GreenCove

Thanks!

Its just harder now with nobody to go home to and tell how my day went nor have anybody to congratulate me in the most menial of task i succeed day by day.

 

With none of the things i used to enjoy, i feel tired of my work. I feel worthless.

I feel what i do now will not affect me in the long run.

 

I do try to give myself a pat on the back whenever i do a good job by celebrating - like watching movies alone, eat at a restaurant alone, or be able to sleep early. but i feel like i really dont have a purpose now other than sleep, eat, work, repeat.

 

Its like having a party and nobody shows up. I feel like none of what i do matters.

 

Im not that social, and i feel like im a turnoff to talk with because the only thing i might be able to talk about is my work.

 

I dont know, im just dissecting every piece that makes me feel miserable now...

[Zapbasket]

I get your point @truthtripper

I grew up in a traditional family. I never question what my parents say because i always assumed it to be right.

I grew up with no discernment of my own, now however, i find myself in management.

 

I've had no problems so far with how i do my job, but it takes extra effort to hide my insecurities and sadness of two years especially since i work with my ex's new boyfriend (I supervise him)

 

No wonder you are feeling riddled with self-doubt! I can't imagine having to be in that position--goodness. Last year I thought my ex was interested in / seeing this woman who I found out would be working with me, and just the idea made me sick. It turned out that he wasn't interested in her and they never dated, but if they had the work situation would have been difficult to impossible for me.

 

I think you're probably carrying over your feelings from your breakup to your work environment. You perceive that she chose your supervisee over you, and that makes you feel inadequate in your job. I think it's imperative that you get involved with an activity outside your work, that affirms your worth while also challenging you and bringing you into the company of new people. This is one simple step you can take that will open so many doors, I promise you that.

 

Do you have a hobby you've neglected? Do you have something you're curious about? I remember after one breakup I signed up for hip-hop dance classes. I am a terrible dancer but showing up to class and pushing past my comfort zone was a huge boost. I also took up skiing after that breakup, and that one thing changed the whole course of my life. After my most recent breakup, I went solo backpacking and mountain climbing, and learned how to fly fish. I got such a huge boost in self-regard from doing these things and being successful at them.

 

Join a gym. Join a book club. If you really hate the idea of being social right now, put in some volunteer hours each week at a local animal shelter. They always need people to take dogs on walks, etc., and doing something good for others' lives, even non-human lives, is also a huge boost. Whatever makes you feel jazzed up.

 

You're in a tough spot for sure, but it doesn't need to decimate your sense of self-worth. If anything, it's an opportunity for you to increase it. If you can rise above this, you can rise above anything, and the coping skills you hone through this experience will make you an even better manager.

[truthtripper]

I grew up with no discernment of my own....

This is just my point, SD. We are all born as blank slates(with our own individual genetic makeups). As children, we are innocent and vulnerable and naturally trust the adults in our lives to treat us well. Our programming is 100% dependant on our environments and especially that of our families. It takes decades to develop discernment and awareness of how our parents raised us.

 

After my ex left me for another woman, it took me about a year to realise that I couldn't make him love me again. He'd made up his mind and that was it. Now I'm happy that he's with someone he truly loves. Good for him. There really isn't any point us bashing ourselves up over lost love. It simply wasn't meant to be. We have to let go and love ourselves first.

[truthtripper]

@GreenCove

Thanks!

Its just harder now with nobody to go home to and tell how my day went nor have anybody to congratulate me in the most menial of task i succeed day by day.

 

With none of the things i used to enjoy, i feel tired of my work. I feel worthless.

I feel what i do now will not affect me in the long run.

 

I do try to give myself a pat on the back whenever i do a good job by celebrating - like watching movies alone, eat at a restaurant alone, or be able to sleep early. but i feel like i really dont have a purpose now other than sleep, eat, work, repeat.

 

Its like having a party and nobody shows up. I feel like none of what i do matters.

 

Im not that social, and i feel like im a turnoff to talk with because the only thing i might be able to talk about is my work.

 

I dont know, im just dissecting every piece that makes me feel miserable now...

Have you thought of looking for another job where you will feel more comfortable and at ease and perhaps meet more people around your age? You can't go to work everyday in dread-and especially if you're seeing your ex's partner everyday, when you haven't gotten over her.

[SethDamien]

I never really thought about having my ex's new boyfriend as an office mate could be a factor...

 

We both were always civil with each other at work. Though deep down it made me sick to my stomach just seeing him. Is this a matter i should be bringing up to my superior?

 

just a sidenote, I grew up very dependent to my family. Eventually, my GF filled that gap when i left my parents.

Now, for the first time in my life i finally feel alone.

 

Doing something that keeps me busy is really a good idea.

I did join a group once that went across the country helping poor communities get back on their feet. It was really rewarding and made me feel i have a purpose. I plan on becoming a full time member myself when i get the chance.

 

Right now, im still just huddled in my apartment, barely getting the strength to get up and face the day. Though buying some good books might help do the trick.

 

Leaving work right now is not an option for me yet, perhaps in a couple of months. I do plan on starting my own business but im still working on the details. I have a couple of clients lined up, but as i said, the anxiousness is bearing down on me.

[burnt]

I'll give it straight, i'm a placer in our registration exams. After passing and receiving the awards, i landed on a decent job - climbed up company ladder and now lead a department in our company.

 

But despite the positives, I feel like i don't deserve them. I have senior work mates who are under my supervision - these are older people and have more experience than I, yet im the one giving orders. It makes me feel i should keep my head down.

 

I try my best to be firm at work, but i know its just a facade. One small misstep or a scolding from my betters and i feel like "how the heck did i land this job?" or fearful that they might think i topped the exam but still isn't worth a penny. My college dean is expecting me to give a lecture about the exams, some tips, etc, but i'm afraid i wont meet their expectations.

 

I feel like a fraud. Thoughts like "am I really the best guy for this?" or "did i really earn this?".

 

How do i trust my abilities again? (its not a big deal anyway like winning the Nobel prize), just need solid advice because its taking a toll on me. I have business negotiations that always keeps me on edge because i worry too much about how to deliver my words or how to act accordingly. There's always that feeling that i'm not good enough and i always feel like every negotiation is sure to fail.

 

I would LOVE to work under the supervision of someone like you.

DON'T CHANGE. Don't try to eradicate the 'self-doubt', don't see it as a negative feature, but try to see it as a commendable personal UNIQUE quality that you have to offer to the company.

 

The self doubt is a wonderful gift. It makes you question things, it allows you to examine yourself and helps you to explore NEW ways to improve.

Self doubt also allows you to recognize and value others around who ARE worthy of your respect.

 

The person who leads, the leader, is not measured by how well he can do the best job, but how well he can inspire others to do their best.

 

So, the question is, what do you want to be:

(1) The BOSS that is the best, most confident, the most alpha male at his workplace, and others are speechless seeing how king-like he is and others saying "He is the leader because he's better than ME".

or

(2) The COLLEAGUE, with a senior work title, but has what it takes to nurture and support the needs of his employees and knows how to be humble and see everyone's strengths and fosters and inspires everyone to be their best.

 

If you have people working for you with greater skill set, then openly acknowledge that, don't hide it--show that you admire what they have to offer.

Understand, that sometimes when some of those 'better' people scold at you, they do so with intention to help you and become better at you work. Learn to take them as 'recommendations', not 'criticisms'.

 

Think of the 'leader' you admire and respect the most: it's not the one who's over confident and right all the time, but the one who is willing to take a step back for the benefit of others and is willing to admit he is not right all the time.

 

The best leader is the one who is willing to learn from his followers and allow his followers to lead the way.

 

There's a quote I love:

"There goes my people; I MUST follow them; because I am their leader".