How to cope with being cheated on and replaced?

[didithappen]

So it's been 1.5 months since my ex gf of over one year broke it off with me; and there's still one question that I can't get out of my head. I know that I shouldn't care because it's over, even though I miss her, and I don't think that she did, but would like another opinion...

 

So to start off she told me she broke up with me because she had the gut feeling that I wasn't someone she wanted to marry, and that she hadn't been as happy being with me as she used to be and needed time to be single and explore her own hobbies. I guess in the end she felt I wasn't very compatible for a long term relationship. She broke it off right as we both graduated college, and I know that many times college relationships don't pan out. We were very happy and in love for the majority of it all. In my mind she was not the type of person who would be a cheater; very loyal, shy, a little nerdy and affectionate, and most importantly truthful. She always would respond to my texts and we spent pretty much every night together. There was never a night where I was left wondering where she was and if she was doing something. She was open with her phone and I never saw anything from a diff guy.

 

She's a terrible liar, and I know that she isn't the type of person who can hold a secret easily. I also got really good at reading her and when something was wrong. When I sensed that something was wrong before the breakup I knew something was about to happen. I asked her about what was wrong and immediately knew she had something on her chest. She wouldn't tell me because she wanted to wait until the next week and it end it on a good note. I started guessing though because my anxiety was skyrocketing while we were driving.

 

The first thing I asked was if she cheated on me. She wasn't defensive or avoiding like a cheater would be, she gave an extremely truthful no. Again she is the type of person who easily gives away whether she was lying or not, as is evident by the next question. I asked if she was breaking up with me, this one had a much different response. She nearly burst out in tears to this one and for a few seconds didn't say anything. Without her verbal response I knew that was whats up. She said yes and we talked about it when we got back to her place. She said it was the worst decision she ever had to make because she still loved me. She cried as much as I did but knew she had to end it. I understand her position and those reasons make sense to me. There was nothing in her body language or responses that suggested cheating, just growing apart. She's so honest that the rational part of me believes that if she did cheat, she would have owned up to it. At the very least she would have broken down when I asked her if she did, she's that kind of person who is unable to hide her guilt or reactions. She said she made her decision about two weeks prior but needed the time to make sure it was real.

 

I believe that my fears of cheating are irrational, but here's why I can't get it off my mind.

 

The two or so weeks before she stopped taking her birth control. She said that she didn't like dealing with the putting drugs into her body or whatever. This meant that we had to wear condoms. I believe this excuse because she said they did make her feel sick even when we started dating. We didn't wear a condom once and used the pull out method. If she was cheating I don't think she would have allowed this because she's smart enough to know about std's and such.

 

We also had sex a little bit less than normal during those 2-3 weeks, she said she wasn't in the mood some of the time. I understand this, especially if you lose affection for your partner and are considering leaving. This also doesn't necessarily mean that she cheated. Sure some cheaters do pull that excuse but I believed her reasons.

 

The one thing that drove me to this long winded question is this. About 2 or so weeks after the breakup I had terrible, but protected "rebound" sex with someone I met at a bar. I regretted it and actually broke down at the end in sadness and in depression missing my gf so bad that I asked her to leave, she understood. The next morning I looked down there just to check up on things and noticed a bump. I got it checked and they said it might be a wart, although it didn't look like normal warts and small, but couldn't be sure. Nonetheless they treated it like they would have with a wart. Even though I know that HPV can be dormant for even years and can be triggered by stress (my breakup), and knowing that both my gf and I had past sexual partners before our relationship; so in reality it could have been from either of us, which means that it in no way means she cheated, I still couldn't stand the possibility of cheating.

 

I called her because it was the right thing to do, she had to know. I let her know that they found and treated a bump which could have been because of HPV. I asked her again if she cheated because of those things I listed and she gave the same honest and truthful no, and nicely kind of explained to me why she didn't want to have as much sex. Her reasons where because she had made her decision, but just didn't have the right opportunity to break it off (stress from finals, work...etc), and why would you have daily sex with someone you plan to break up with in a week anyways. Again I still believed her answer and know that if she was lying it would have sounded a lot differently (again, she's one of those people who are incapable of lying, we both were).

 

Yet still to this day I still wonder, what do you think? Rationally, if it even was a wart, it was either from my own past sexual history or from her past sexual partners, and not from infidelity during the relationship. Irrationally, I have a stupid need to know with 100% certainty if she did or did not.....god this sucks. I'm sorry if this seems obsessive, I've had on and off OCD since about 8 years old and can't move on from it....

[jmw1727]

I completely understand wanting answers to unanswered and uncertain questions. When I find myself doing this I always say to myself.."Would I really feel any better if I had the answer?". I challenge you to ask yourself this same thing. Would you really feel any better if you knew with 100% certainty your girlfriend cheated? If I was in your situation, my answer would be no. If I knew , then I would have a whole bunch of other questions I would want answered leading me to a never ending cycle.

[dumbass2]

Unfortunately there is really no way to know if someone has cheated on you unless there are photos, video or you walk in on them. Other than that you wont possible know for certain. Then again, photos and video can be altered so those aren't 100%. It's a waste of your time. Ex's do not want to be questioned after a break up. They owe the dumpee nothing and would probably lie just to get the person to move on.

[mightycpa]

No, she didn't cheat.

 

She stopped taking the pill because it made her sick.

You think she answered truthfully.

You will never know with 100% certainty about anything, especially whether or not an ex cheated on you.

 

You sound like a reasonable person who is trying to make sense of a new situation that has been thrust upon them unwillingly. So take this for whatever it is worth. She broke up with you because she doesn't love you anymore. She's sentimentally in love with you, but not actually "in love" with you. It's all over but the crying.

 

So, whether or not she's dancing on a new pole makes no difference. She will be at some point, and her first time without you is merely a matter of timing. Whether is it this page on the calendar or that page, in reality, the only thing that should matter to you is that she no longer loves you the way she did before.

 

If you can remember that, you will save yourself a lot of future grief. Just act accordingly.

[didithappen]

Thanks for the answers everyone and for being understanding. Your all right, I will never be able to get a 100% certainty about this one. I'm going to take her word on this one because I trusted her and she never broke that trust with anything in the relationship, I'll believe her and accept that 1% chance that she did.

 

In the unlikely case that she did, your also right; knowing that would only prolong my process of healing for now. And if I did know that, I wouldn't be able to do anything with that information and it would only cause more grief.

 

I know that she didn't jump right into a relationship afterwards too which eases the pain a little bit. When I got my stuff back about 3 weeks afterward she told me that it's been hard for her too but she knows we wouldn't work in the future. She said that for the time being she was enjoying being single and just meeting new friends. We were so involved with each other that we both grew a little bit distant from some of our old friends; because between work, school, and each other there wasn't too much time left.

 

I'm healing, slowly, and know that in the future I'm going to find a great girl that won't fall out of love with me. She said that I deserve someone like that because I'm a great person and was a perfect boyfriend, just not the one for her. I don't have a bad bone in my body and can't even kill flies. Reading all of these forums about infidelity and some of the crap people do to their significant others just makes me shudder; I wish the world was a better place sometimes.

[Seth0194]

Assume she did and move on with life, we never get closure, not real closure.

[didithappen]

Assume she did and move on with life, we never get closure, not real closure.

 

I'm going to assume she didn't and accept the 1% chance that she did. I still feel like I can move on from that.

 

Throughout the whole relationship on several occasions she told me about girl friends of hers who found out about cheating and how she hated cheaters and so on... She's not the type to cheat, she was a special and good person; but she's gone now so I try not dwell on that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm going to assume she didn't and accept the 1% chance that she did. I still feel like I can move on from that.

 

Throughout the whole relationship on several occasions she told me about girl friends of hers who found out about cheating and how she hated cheaters and so on... She's not the type to cheat, she was a special and good person; but she's gone now so I try not dwell on that.

 

Not to rain on your parade here, but don't assume that someone isn't capable of cheating. Check the Infidelity threads and you'll see time and again that many people never suspected a thing and would swear up and down their partner would never cheat - until they did. I only say that to underline the point that people are capable of just about anything.

 

Having said that, I don't necessarily think she cheated. But I do think she fell out of love. It happens, unfortunately, especially with young people.

[didithappen]

Not to rain on your parade here, but don't assume that someone isn't capable of cheating. Check the Infidelity threads and you'll see time and again that many people never suspected a thing and would swear up and down their partner would never cheat - until they did. I only say that to underline the point that people are capable of just about anything.

 

Having said that, I don't necessarily think she cheated. But I do think she fell out of love. It happens, unfortunately, especially with young people.

 

Yeah I know that people can be unsuspectingly capable of cheating. I just had no reason to think that she did except my own irrational fear about HPV. OCD can drive you to obsess over something completely irrational; and this is what it chose to target right now. Now that I'm thinking clearer again I really don't think she did, but from everything I've learned about OCD I have to except that nothing is 100% certain and that it could have been possible.

 

I do agree with you though about falling out of love and with the other poster. At the end while she had sentimental love for me she wasn't in love with me. That sucks to admit because it was a one way street but things happen. The last three weeks I was putting in all of the effort, and not getting the result I wanted so I blamed it on myself and looked for faults within me that weren't there. So I put in even more effort and it backfired in my face so to speak. I know statistically that college relationships, even the good ones, have there way of falling apart at the end when real life direction is considered.

[didithappen]

UPDATE: She DID cheat on me and lied to me the whole time. Nonetheless with a control freak and angry guy who I used to consider a friend. We all thought he was gay and in denial so I ignored all their texting.

 

Today I learned about there new relationship and about her infidelity.

 

I'm broken.

[didithappen]

Very long story short I was cheated on and lied to. She's with another guy now who doesn't deserve her. Another long story short he's not a good person.

 

I was starting to get better post breakup, finally.... Than the universe worked it's ways and exposed her transgressions to me.

 

It's like being broke up with again, but worse. The pain is very serious right now and I've fallen into depression again. I don't know if I can live with this.

 

Please help, if you've been cheated on how did you get over it?

 

I want with all my being to just realize that a cheater doesn't deserve me and say her loss and move on. Yet my stupid heart is bleeding right now because for some unfathomable reason I still want her......

[sbk24]

Hi there,

 

I was cheated on by my ex who I was dating for over 8 years. We are both young, I'm 21 and she now 22. When I first found out my heart immediately dropped. Too me it was out of the blue and never thought she would cheat but sometimes people can surprise you. Believe me it hurts. It hurts a lot. There is just no excuse for it. If someone isn't happy they should just say.

 

From my own experience it was not only that the relationship broke it was the rejection. Especially her choosing a guy that is the complete opposite, as in overweight, smokes, alcoholic and has no career aspects. However, I have learnt that I am the better person out of this and at least one day I will die knowing that I didn't hurt someone.

 

I am still hurt, it's been nearly 3 months now. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety a few weeks ago, I was suffering a lot of stress from other factors but this triggered it off. If your depression gets really bad go see a specialist and get some medication as it has done me wonders even though it may take a while to kick in.

 

The way to get over is just pure NC and time. Like now her and her family do not exist in my eyes. I try to spend time with true friends and family and get some work done. Keep yourself busy and before you know it the ex's face will begin to fade.

 

It hurts me to remember all the good memories we had and it hurts to know how much she has changed from being an innocent sweet girl to just someone who I do not want to be associated with but in time when you are healed you will forgive and cherish the experiences you did have. It's better to be loved then never loved at all.

[didithappen]

Hi there,

 

I was cheated on by my ex who I was dating for over 8 years. We are both young, I'm 21 and she now 22. When I first found out my heart immediately dropped. Too me it was out of the blue and never thought she would cheat but sometimes people can surprise you. Believe me it hurts. It hurts a lot. There is just no excuse for it. If someone isn't happy they should just say.

 

From my own experience it was not only that the relationship broke it was the rejection. Especially her choosing a guy that is the complete opposite, as in overweight, smokes, alcoholic and has no career aspects. However, I have learnt that I am the better person out of this and at least one day I will die knowing that I didn't hurt someone.

 

I am still hurt, it's been nearly 3 months now. I was diagnosed with major depression and anxiety a few weeks ago, I was suffering a lot of stress from other factors but this triggered it off. If your depression gets really bad go see a specialist and get some medication as it has done me wonders even though it may take a while to kick in.

 

The way to get over is just pure NC and time. Like now her and her family do not exist in my eyes. I try to spend time with true friends and family and get some work done. Keep yourself busy and before you know it the ex's face will begin to fade.

 

It hurts me to remember all the good memories we had and it hurts to know how much she has changed from being an innocent sweet girl to just someone who I do not want to be associated with but in time when you are healed you will forgive and cherish the experiences you did have. It's better to be loved then never loved at all.

 

Wow I can really relate to you. I'm sorry about your depression and anxiety. I'm dealing with both of those right now, and have also been suffering from a recent thing called occipital neuralgia which makes everything so much harder. Basically whenever I get stressed, and often times without stress, I get mind bending headaches and electric shocks.

 

I thought she was the sweetest and most innocent girl in the world. Who wasn't capable of this. Well I was wrong and I'm still getting over that shock. I broke my post-breakup no contact when I found out and I couldn't resist telling her that I knew, she deserved a little guilt trip.I have an email tracker and she didn't respond (she's afraid of admitting to any truth) but she has read it 6 times, hopefully the remorse sinks in for her. They tried to hide it from me, he blocked me on fb after I unfriended her. I'm going NC from here on out however.

 

Anyways to make things worse this guy she left me for actually used to be my friend. We thought he was gay..... I lived with this jerk, he was controlling, angry, and up tight, oh and also an alcoholic with a half assed philosophy degree (compared to my chemistry degree).......

[sbk24]

Yeah sometimes people aren't maybe what we think they are. Let's hope it haunts them for the rest of their lives. Ah that sucks being a friend, sometimes I think do the good guys actually ever get to be happy in the end?

 

Just you have to stick to NC, no matter what as ignorance is a bliss. It really is better of not knowing what they are up too etc. Plus on social media most of the time they are highlighting the good things in their lives and not highlighting the **** too.

 

I really just hope i never see her ever again.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

From the info you provided, I believe the likelihood that she cheated is about zero. Most cheaters show many red flags. You're lucky to have had a decent & genuine person as a partner. If you stay in contact with her, you should stop the interrogations. Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions. Not everyone is bad.

[didithappen]

From the info you provided, I believe the likelihood that she cheated is about zero. Most cheaters show many red flags. You're lucky to have had a decent & genuine person as a partner. If you stay in contact with her, you should stop the interrogations. Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions. Not everyone is bad.

 

Unfortunately I wrote the original post in denial that she could have been cheating. She did, and is now dating the guy that she cheated with. I was too callous to put up the obvious signs.

 

She put up many red flags:

Not caring

Staring at her phone

Taking more nights "alone"

Wanting space

Crying for no reason, rejecting my comfort, and saying I was a better person than her

Texting one of our mutual friends (the new guy) way more than me

Lying about a conversation between them I accidentally saw on her PC

Refusing sex

Saying she wanted alone time on my BIRTHDAY. Saw her dropping the other guy off at my HOUSE (he was my temp. roommate) when she was supposed to be alone

Making me wear a condom due to the claim that she stopped birth control, funny thing was that I found birth control weeks after she said she threw it away

Oh....and giving me a wart. It takes about 3 weeks to a month on average for one to show up- I saw it 1 week after the breakup. If only she made me wear condoms sooner, I don't think that can be a coincidence. She was clean before and I never cheated.

 

There's more but I think those are all red flags.

 

Whatever.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

That sucks. Go hard No Contact. Block & delete everything. Don't stalk her online. Pretend she's dead & move on.

[didithappen]

That sucks. Go hard No Contact. Block & delete everything. Don't stalk her online. Pretend she's dead & move on.

 

That's the plan. I unfriended her and all of her friends a while ago. Blocked her on everything and deleted every shred of her from my life that I could. Thankfully I've got good friends behind me, and our mutual friends (between the ex) have taken my side in this.

[foam12]

Sucks if she was cheating and I had similar experiences with my ex before she dumped me. I don't think my ex would have cheated on me, but who knows. I just knew looking into it more wouldn't help me move on and would probably make it worse if I found out she was. Maybe your ex just moved on quickly to a rebound relationship and never cheated on you. Regardless, hope everything works out and good luck.

[didithappen]

I'm having a very hard time processing the fact that I was emotionally (and probably) physically cheated on. I was with my ex for two years and I was never anything but kind and affectionate towards her. I wanted to have a future with her.

 

I've accepted her choice, and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me back. She left me for one of my friends. They started dating immediately after the breakup, or maybe even before, but hid it from me; I found out eventually. The ex-friend blocked me on fb right after it all happened. I defriended my ex gf before I could see anything however.

 

I've been working on accepting and forgiving her decision. I even sent a message to the guy just saying to make her happy because she deserves the best. I don't know if that was a good idea but I wanted him to know that it was out of my hands and I don't harbor any anger or resentment towards them, I just want to take the high road.

 

I put myself in her shoes and understood that if she didn't want to be with me than so be it, and it's up to her to decide where happiness lies.

 

With that being said it still plagues my thoughts. I live in a small town and almost anywhere I go I have a memory with her, and than I think of them together and it stings a lot.

 

How do I move forward and just let this go? I want to forget about it so much but seem to be stuck.

[Confusioncreepsin]

I'm having a very hard time processing the fact that I was emotionally (and probably) physically cheated on. I was with my ex for two years and I was never anything but kind and affectionate towards her. I wanted to have a future with her.

 

I've accepted her choice, and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me back. She left me for one of my friends. They started dating immediately after the breakup, or maybe even before, but hid it from me; I found out eventually. The ex-friend blocked me on fb right after it all happened. I defriended my ex gf before I could see anything however.

 

I've been working on accepting and forgiving her decision. I even sent a message to the guy just saying to make her happy because she deserves the best. I don't know if that was a good idea but I wanted him to know that it was out of my hands and I don't harbor any anger or resentment towards them, I just want to take the high road.

 

I put myself in her shoes and understood that if she didn't want to be with me than so be it, and it's up to her to decide where happiness lies.

 

With that being said it still plagues my thoughts. I live in a small town and almost anywhere I go I have a memory with her, and than I think of them together and it stings a lot.

 

How do I move forward and just let this go? I want to forget about it so much but seem to be stuck.

 

 

From my very similar experience, go NC (No Contact) and remove/block/delete her from everything. Being in her shoes, you want her to see nothing about you. Do not write, text, message anything to anyone associated with her, including her. Come here and post what you want to say, but never contact her again.

 

The first few days/weeks will be challenging. Your emotions will be a rollercoaster and you will experience weakness and strength in each cycle. Write down now all the negative qualities and experiences that hurt you and look at them each night before bed and when you wake up. The HARDEST part is going to be the damn hope you might feel in getting back...wondering what she is doing or trying to see how hurt/happy she is. Just remember, FACEBOOK, and any social media is FAKE. Nobody puts sad unhappy photos up...they will always be happy. Some girls (and guys) will bleed meme references that may seem to be targeted to you...its all just an attempt to play victim or gain validation on her part. Don't fall into that trap.

 

Again, go NC, no texts, message, phone calls, no social media (EVER), and take each day and try to build a NEW memory of the places you experienced. At first you might break down revising these places, but the intent is to get ALL of your emotions out (cry, scream in the car, imaginary arguments with her in your head, etc) but get it all out. Then make that new memory.

 

Hope this helps. Stay strong!

[didithappen]

From my very similar experience, go NC (No Contact) and remove/block/delete her from everything. Being in her shoes, you want her to see nothing about you. Do not write, text, message anything to anyone associated with her, including her. Come here and post what you want to say, but never contact her again.

 

The first few days/weeks will be challenging. Your emotions will be a rollercoaster and you will experience weakness and strength in each cycle. Write down now all the negative qualities and experiences that hurt you and look at them each night before bed and when you wake up. The HARDEST part is going to be the damn hope you might feel in getting back...wondering what she is doing or trying to see how hurt/happy she is. Just remember, FACEBOOK, and any social media is FAKE. Nobody puts sad unhappy photos up...they will always be happy. Some girls (and guys) will bleed meme references that may seem to be targeted to you...its all just an attempt to play victim or gain validation on her part. Don't fall into that trap.

 

Again, go NC, no texts, message, phone calls, no social media (EVER), and take each day and try to build a NEW memory of the places you experienced. At first you might break down revising these places, but the intent is to get ALL of your emotions out (cry, scream in the car, imaginary arguments with her in your head, etc) but get it all out. Then make that new memory.

 

Hope this helps. Stay strong!

 

Thanks for the advice. I guess being immediately replaced makes you feel inferior somehow. Like how someone who used to love you so much can just get up and jump to someone else while your still grieving is so painful. Especially when the new guy has alcohol problems.

 

I did great no contact, except for once when I had to get my stuff back. Until I heard the truth. Of course it didn't come from her , she lied to me; probably to protect my feelings. But I guess that closure was a good thing. She doesn't care about me so I shouldn't still care about her. I feel so stupid and embarrassed because when I heard the news I emailed her twice. Not angry emails just sort of sad and I feel like an idiot for sending them.

 

No contact it is though. This is where I will start to move on and sift through the pain.

 

Thanks again.

[Confusioncreepsin]

Thanks for the advice. I guess being immediately replaced makes you feel inferior somehow. Like how someone who used to love you so much can just get up and jump to someone else while your still grieving is so painful. Especially when the new guy has alcohol problems.

 

I did great no contact, except for once when I had to get my stuff back. Until I heard the truth. Of course it didn't come from her , she lied to me; probably to protect my feelings. But I guess that closure was a good thing. She doesn't care about me so I shouldn't still care about her. I feel so stupid and embarrassed because when I heard the news I emailed her twice. Not angry emails just sort of sad and I feel like an idiot for sending them.

 

No contact it is though. This is where I will start to move on and sift through the pain.

 

Thanks again.

 

 

Please don't EVER accept someone lying to protect your feelings. Relationships are about how people are in good and BAD times. Never believe that ****!!! OMISSION is a LIE, especially when they know about the omission. Please don't kid yourself, she lied flat out and did so consciously !!!!! Remember that. You are much more valuable then thinking that she lied to save your life and your well being. HER Actions were CHEATING...with further supports that she is a liar. Trust is destroyed by that since it is the absolute worst thing a guy can experience....she chose (consciously) to be with another guy over you.

 

The whole experience crushes 3 things in guys (well, it did me). EGO, VALUE and self esteem. So hard to deal with a three handed blow. You have to start by building self esteem....you have to remember that you are worth more than being treated like Plan B. You are worth more than being lied to, cheated on and she is the one that made these decisions. Feel sad for her broken picker but do not let this deflate your self worth.

[aliveagain]

The best thing for you is no contact with her and your former friend. He was never your real friend, a real friend doesn't date your girlfriend. Get yourself thinking about new opportunities and not about your ex so you are healthy in mind when the right woman comes into your life. Leave the cheaters in your past, they deserve each other. You dodged a bullet.

[Triggs1234]

I am going through a very similar situation. My GF cheated behind my back and did not tell me for quite some time (7 months). Although she begged me to give her a second chance, which I did, things have fallen completely flat, and she has gone back to the guy she actually cheated on me with. I know how you are feeling man. It is truly tough, especially when you genuinely care and love the other person and did everything in your power to support her and be there for her. But once a liar always a liar, once a cheater always a cheater. Trust me, I knew this girl better than anyone in my life, yet I still got fooled and now a few months later, it is like we don't even know each other (not by my choice). Unfortunately, it seems that is how life goes sometimes.