Does your SO exhibit passive aggressive tendencies?

[ShatteredLady]

"What is passive aggressive behavior? A learned behavior that keeps a person from expressing anger in a healthy manner. The passive aggressive person is an angry, spiteful person who outwardly appears friendly, kind and caring.

 

If you are involved with a passive aggressive you will find yourself frustrated like you’ve done something wrong that keeps the passive aggressive from being able to relate to you emotionally.

 

The most prevalent negative behavior a passive aggressive will display is withholding or withdrawing. They withdraw during conflict leaving you feeling as if you are responsible for solving all problems yourself.

 

The passive aggressive will withhold as a form of covert abuse. They can’t express anger so to punish they withhold something they think you want.

 

It may be sex, chores around the house or conversation. Whatever it is, if they know you want or need it, they will make sure you don’t get it.

 

Passive aggressive behavior is not gender specific but is more likely found in men. Since men are more likely to be passive aggressive women are more often the victims of the passive aggressive.

 

Women who are damaged emotionally are more likely to attract a man who is damaged emotionally. Women who are forgiving, love unconditionally, have low self-esteem are sitting ducks.

 

The passive aggressive man will seek them out because no healthy woman would put up with the covert emotional abuse doled out by such men."

 

 

I've often described my H's behavior as "Passive Agressive" without really knowing what the psychological definition is. The more I read the more I realize it's what I'm dealing with, to the extreme at times!!

 

I was always described as very easy going. At the start of our relationship we seemed like a great couple. Loving, fun, kind, compassionate etc. however in hindsight there were red flags....When my H was in the wrong, guilty he withdrew & attacked if cornered. Fortunately he was rarely wrong...because I'm easy going!!

 

When he acted childishly, (staying down the pub with a friend while I was greeting guests for our party)...I responded in kind by 'Tar & Feathering' his side of the bed with honey & cereal. It was silly & funny...stopped the 'Invent a reason to blame me' instinct of his.

 

My character gave the illusion of compatibility.

 

Once we were in the USA & I was isolated my 'lightness of being' became eroded & I truly became ("forgiving, love unconditionally, have low self-esteem are) a sitting duck" to his passive aggressive behavior.

 

We are currently reconciling. Last week my H came home (I can't predict his mood. The door closes & I walk on egg shells until I know) clearly in a bad mood. When asked "How was your day?" he responded "fine" & I knew it was going to be one of those evenings. I received one word answers, he stayed in the garage until kids bedtime.

 

Later I was laying on the bed browsing my iPad. He came in huffing & lay with his back to me. I put my iPad down & gently asked some questions but received one word answers until I joked "can I say anything to get more than one word from you?", he said "No!". I snuggled-up & rubbed his back. He lay like a plank. I asked "Do you like me doing this?" & he responded with "I don't know!".

 

I still have no idea what was wrong! This is my life so no big deal. The next day he was in a good mood, playful, affectionate & chatty.

 

I had surgery yesterday & he was the 'perfect H'. The docs & nurses loved him. He's taking great care of me....but turned the alarm off this morning so we woke late & I had to get-up to rush the kids ready for school when I should of been laying down. That's an accident though...

 

Anyway.... My question is : Does anyone else share their life with a passive aggressive partner who suffers from depression & mood swings? How do you deal with it? (Not medications)

 

After my experiences of the last year, his EA etc. I'm desperately insecure, suffering from what I can only describe as PTSD...panic attacks, triggers, crazy!! After a lifetime I'm used to walking on egg shells but I'm finding his 'bad moods' emotionally crippling now....

 

Some days he gives an appology for the night befores behavior, others it's like nothing happened. In the past I would make excuses & let it go. Now I'm reading too much into it & having panic attacks!

 

I've waited for 'good evenings' & explained how I feel & he says something self-depricating &/or says sorry.

 

Can we change his passive aggressive ways or is it just who he is?

Edited November 13, 2015 by ShatteredLady

[ladydesigner]

My WH is PA too. He has been diagnosed by a therapist and also has NPD tendencies but not a complete NPD.

 

I never knew what was happening to me all these years. It took for his A's for me to do the research on personality disorders and then seeing them in WH. Whenever we had a disagreement, my WH was always quick to say that I cannot handle hearing anything and that is why I was upset when in reality I didn't agree with his view or whatever it was. Then after getting upset he would either leave or walk away and not speak to me sometimes being sullen for days on end.

 

Many times I feel I started arguments just to get any kind of emotion out of him.

 

I'm not sure these personality orders can be helped. Many people say they cannot, but there are therapists out there that feel like if you are working towards something better for yourself then why the label.

[BikerAccnt]

Yep, withdrawing is pretty much a sure sign.

 

 

However, sometimes it's not really passive aggressiveness (because of anger) and it's just conflict avoidance, hoping the problem will just "go away."

 

 

To me passive aggressiveness is doing something with the idea of getting a reaction, or punishing, the other person. Whereas conflict avoidance is just hoping things "go away." The person avoiding conflict isn't really expecting a reaction from us, so much as just hoping whatever our issues are will just fade away.

 

 

Some people really hate any conversation that is or may be uncomfortable, and will do their best to avoid it. I'm not sure if that's a passive-aggressive tendency or just...chicken ****

[ladydesigner]

Yep, withdrawing is pretty much a sure sign.

 

 

However, sometimes it's not really passive aggressiveness (because of anger) and it's just conflict avoidance, hoping the problem will just "go away."

 

 

To me passive aggressiveness is doing something with the idea of getting a reaction, or punishing, the other person. Whereas conflict avoidance is just hoping things "go away." The person avoiding conflict isn't really expecting a reaction from us, so much as just hoping whatever our issues are will just fade away.

 

 

Some people really hate any conversation that is or may be uncomfortable, and will do their best to avoid it. I'm not sure if that's a passive-aggressive tendency or just...chicken ****

 

Exactly! My WH was great at pushing my buttons especially the nitpicking. Then when i would stand up for myself it became my problem I was oh so abusive because I interject when I don't agree.

[ShatteredLady]

The latter half of last year my H mentioned that Pink Floyd were releasing a new album. We both like Punk Floyd very much.

 

My H is a super geek. He purchases most music for us & he puts it onto our network. I'm used to my H buying little things like that as he wants them. He doesn't tell me what he buys. It just appears on our network. Sometimes I have to remind, push a bit, if its something in particular that I want but it's how it is in our house. No big deal. Our 'normal'.

 

Both of our birthdays are in December. He was a bit 'off' with me on his birthday.

 

Come Christmas Day he didn't talk & pushed-away, clearly & blatantly rejecting any affection ALL DAY!! He didn't acknowledge any of the gifts from me & the kids (they're little so gifts are all from me except pictures & cards that I make with them.) I tried to thank & kiss him for a VERY special gift that he bought me & he blatantly & embarrassingly turnd his cheek rejecting me in front of my parents & little children who were clearly confused by the big reaction from me being so excited. It was horribly awkward.

 

I couldn't call him out & ruin Christmad & make my parents feel uncomfortable. It was so horrible.

 

I was 'punished' until new years eve.

 

I was punished because I didn't buy him the Pink Floyd album. If I love him I would remember that he wanted the Pink Floyd album. To be honest I assumed he would buy it & I was preoccupied with my surgery & failing my daughter by not being physically capable of giving her the same 'start in life' as I gave my son. I have a 'managed' chip on my shoulder from being the neglected younger child. It was a big deal to me! Oh I was going through so much!! & now I'm making excuses for being told that I'm crap at buying gifts. That hand made gifts from me & the kids are cheap. That I'm thoughtless. Ugh!!!

 

Excuse the vent but THAT'S passive aggressive isn't it?

[ShatteredLady]

What I was saying in my first post about last week.... I understand if you want to be alone or avoid....Why come lay next to me, huff & puff, turn his back & refuse to talk to me?

 

He has plenty of experience of sitting in the garage smoking. WHY come to me only to reject me? Make it REALLY clear that I've done something wrong....why punish me if I haven't? Rejection is punishment isn't it? If you want someone to feel nice or at least respected why not answer if you do want your back rubbed or if it's annoying you? Why be so wishy-washy? Why refuse to tell me why he's so peed-off?

 

Ugh! Or am I completely paranoid? Where have I gone? This isn't me!!

[LimeBlue]

My husband is passive aggressive. We have been on various holidays where I have been 'punished' for the entire duration. I now refuse to go away with him anywhere, because it is just not worth the pain and trauma it causes me.

 

Last New Years Eve, as the fireworks went off to mark the new year, he blatantly ignored me. Everyone else at the party wished/hugged/kissed me for happy new year, whilst he stood there avoiding me at all costs. It was the most hurtful thing I have ever experienced on NY. He was busy on his phone on FaceBook, and could not even bother to turn his face away from his phone and kiss me for new year.

 

URGH. Just talking about all this is making me wonder why the hell I am still here. This is good therapy for me, as it brings up old hurts I had forgotten and buried.

[HopeForTomorrow]

IME passive-aggressive behavior is when someone (usually a partner) gets angry or upset and instead of communicating honestly about it, they withdraw. They shut down verbally, put up walls, make obvious changes in behavior, say hurtful things. It is a creation of negative energy that leads to immense hurt and pain to the person on the receiving end.

 

Usually the other person has little or no idea what set it off so they are left wondering WTF just happened. When they try to communicate with the partner to figure out what caused this, they are rebuffed, cut off, and/or completely ignored - sending the message that you are NOT important to them. Meanwhile they are happy and loving with everyone else - just not you, the person they are SUPPOSED to be happy and loving with.

 

It is the absolute worst. I hate it. It makes me feel as high as an ant and as valued as yesterday's garbage. It is the ultimate in cruel. And it is emotional abuse of the worst kind, IMO.

 

I'm sorry you are enduring this SL.