anxiety and sharp words

[fiskadoro]

Hi,

 

I would like to seek some advice. I originally was going to post this in "coping/second chances" but I realize that i need to work on myself before I entertain ideas of contacting my ex.

 

I broke up with my ex-gf 3.5 months ago. She was going through a divorce (husband lives in another country, estranged) when we began dating 9 months ago. I fell for her dramatically and, foolishly, told her that if she wanted to be with me, she needed to know i was marriage minded. She reluctantly agreed to marry once she divorced; she told me she didn't want to lose me. Just typing the previous bit out i feel foolish and wonder what I was thinking. Our relationship continued on, we took two trips abroad, spent most days together, joked about names for our future kids, etc. All in all, she did a lot for a woman going through a contentious divorce with a man who had cheated on her.

 

It wasn't enough for my anxieties though. By month 9, i hadn't met her friends, and I began to pressure her to introduce me to them; she balked, telling me they would disapprove of her being married and dating me, she is from a conservative NE Asian culture as are many of her friends. In frustration, i broke up with her. After a few flirty lunches and afternoons spent hanging out, she asked me to get back together, i said no. Then, six weeks later, the worm turned and since then she has told me that even after her divorce is final she will not want to date me, and has stopped initiating contact with me. In fact, she told me she doesn't want to know any of my personal info and won't share hers with me. I tried to sneak in under the old "friends" ploy but she sniffed that one out straightaway.

 

I feel heartbroken and like a fool. I now see my pressuring her as selfish, and I feel quite badly about the way I broke up with her. I told her she made me "feel like garbage" and was melodramatic and at one point even told her to "shut up". She has mentioned that my behavior during the day we broke up stayed with her and she saw anger in my eyes. I felt that decorum wasn't necessary because I was angry... and now that has come back to haunt me indeed.

 

This is a pattern with me, it hasn't happened with every woman i dated, but i have seen it several times before when I am truly smitten. I lay the best plans of how i will be calm and conduct myself in an adult, civil manner, but when it's on I feel anxious and my words reflect it, i become very "all or nothing" and rush things with women who are, despite being really into me, turned off by my behavior. And when my anxiety fails to get results, I can say cutting things. Not insults or profanity, but just a sharp, hurtful tone and unkind speech.

 

I want to address this. It took me years to really come to grips with this tendency of mine, and I have just suffered a smoldering loss because of it. I am lucky and charming, I date great women but I am middle-aged and still single because I dump or push away great women. Whatever good qualities i have in attracting women are sometimes mitigated by these faults I display. I feel i wasted so many years being a thriving bachelor and so two years ago I began to approach marriage with my typical approach, and the results are laid bare in this post. I need to learn emotional moderation, for one.

 

I am very open to suggestions. Currently I am working my way through "the feel good handbook" and rereading "games people play", and after the New Year I will begin counseling to address the roots of my behavior. What more can anyone offer, thanks in advance.

Edited November 13, 2015 by fiskadoro