Sweeetie Posted November 13, 2015 Share Posted November 13, 2015 I met a great guy recently, we have seen each other 7 times and he has just moved out of town for getting a job promotion back in his hometown where he's living with his family. He left a week ago and is now a 2-hour flight away. We haven't had the 'what are we' talk yet, but he said he wants to 'pursue it'. He has already booked his flights to come back and see me for a weekend, he's coming in 3 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it. I have never done a LDR before so I would like some advice; I personally feel that one weekend a month together is too infrequent, especially at this early stage when the relationship is so new. How do I suggest to him that I would like it to be more frequent than that? I offered to pay partially for his flights but he said I didn't have to (he is staying with me when he comes so his accommodation is free anyway), perhaps if I suggest that again that would work? I don't want to bring up the subject yet though since I don't want to push him into a relationship already when he hasn't brought up the subject himself as yet; he has just said he wants to "see how it goes". At the same time I do want to know where I stand.. Advice would be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 If you can afford the frequent travel, go for it.LDR'S are tough during the best of times, because that acute sense of physical absence is challenging. The more you guys meet, the more things can evolve like a regular relationship. Honestly, it might be good to have that talk about expectations sooner rather than later. No sense in booking flights , Skyping etc., unless you guys are on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted November 14, 2015 Author Share Posted November 14, 2015 If you can afford the frequent travel, go for it.LDR'S are tough during the best of times, because that acute sense of physical absence is challenging. The more you guys meet, the more things can evolve like a regular relationship. Honestly, it might be good to have that talk about expectations sooner rather than later. No sense in booking flights , Skyping etc., unless you guys are on the same page. That is what I would like. But isn't it a bit soon to discuss expectations when we've seen each other just 7 times? I am afraid of scaring him away and pressuring him to agree to an official relationship before he's ready to bring it up himself :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
Lobouspo Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 That is what I would like. But isn't it a bit soon to discuss expectations when we've seen each other just 7 times? I am afraid of scaring him away and pressuring him to agree to an official relationship before he's ready to bring it up himself :-/ I don't think you need pressure him into an official relationship, but it's certainly OK to get your feelings on the table and see where things stand. I'm guessing if he wants something more casual, you could get hurt down the road. It's not like you guys just met, and LDR'S take a considerable emotional and financial commitment Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted November 14, 2015 Author Share Posted November 14, 2015 I don't think you need pressure him into an official relationship, but it's certainly OK to get your feelings on the table and see where things stand. I'm guessing if he wants something more casual, you could get hurt down the road. It's not like you guys just met, and LDR'S take a considerable emotional and financial commitment Yea, it's a bit annoying because whenever I've brought up the subject with him he's just said he wants to "see how it goes"- it doesn't sound very concrete to me. He left a week ago and we haven't been texting much, other than to organise the dates that he's coming back for next month. I've never done LDR before, I can't picture this working if we don't even talk between visits :-/ I just want to know where I stand so that I know how emotionally involved to let myself get. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 (edited) Hum... I had a similar situation, met someone, FIREWORKS, after only a handful of dates (could have been, it was just a few weeks) he took a job 500 miles away. My first question would be, if "everything" worked out - is there a possible end with you two living closer together? Could you move to his town, or could he come back to yours? This would be my deciding factor on whether to pursue this or not. In my case, I had 6 more months of college to finish, but after that, moving to his new city was a real possibility. Due to my schedule (class only m-th) I was able to go down and visit with him at least twice a month. Flights were cheap, gas was cheap if I had the time - so it was all doable. As soon as I graduated we moved in together, and have been together for many years now. So, I think it's doable, even early in the relationship, but I wouldn't want to get into a relationship that would be permanently long distance! Oh, and knowing where you stand is important. We had a serious talk about it early on. Basically said, what are we doing? You are far now.... But I REALLY like you.... And that's when I said, well, I CAN move. He was kinda surprised and said, really? You would for me? And from that point on - we knee where we were headed, I would be joining him as soon as I was done with school. Edited November 14, 2015 by RecentChange 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 Although you've only gone out on 7 dates, I don't think it's putting the cart before the horse to have a real conversation with him about the status of the relationship and expectations. This is especially important since it has now turned into LDR. You don't want to invest your time and emotions into something that's going nowhere. I had something similar happen except we were together for a year from meeting to when he moved away. He quit his job when we started dating (about a month after we had been dating) and tried to find something else but was having difficulty. He kept me up to date on his job search and I was aware he was interviewing for positions on the west coast (we live on the east coast). I remember ONCE during the relationship he asked what would happen if he had to move and I just smiled and said we'll see. We never had a serious conversation. Well after our one year anniversary, I had to go out of town for work and he flew back from out of town to see me before I left because that would have meant we wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks. I asked about the job interview he had (reason he was out of town) and he said the process would take awhile. We talked about moving in together when I got back from my work trip, he brought me lunch, we were intimate, etc. Happy couple or so I thought! He then started withdrawing while I was away (wasn't texting as much, called him on the phone to ask something and he seemed distracted/in rush). I figured it was just usual stresses so didn't worry about it. Long story short, he got the job offer while I was out of town and decided it was over. He broke up with me when I got into town and had a litany of reasons (his last LDR didn't work, we weren't in each other's lives as much as he wanted because he never really got to spend time with my friends, the relationship time didn't match the calendar time, he didn't want me to move for him because it was too much pressure and I could possibly ruin my career if the relationship didn't work, the list goes on. I was completely blindsided). I would advise you to have a genuine conversation with him to see where his head is at so you are both on the same page and there are no surprises. Best wishes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted November 14, 2015 Author Share Posted November 14, 2015 Thank you both. I think there is a possibility of him coming back to my city to live because his job takes him everywhere. I recently bought an apartment and secured a fixed job in this city where I have lived all my life and I plan to stay here for a long time! I'll try to have a chat with him about 'what we are' the next time he's here, this time I won't let him get away with "we'll see how it goes". It is unfair on me since he's content with just sailing with the winds without me knowing where I stand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Ugh. The chances of this working - and being FULFILLING - are just about zero. It's not like you two were madly in love and simply can't cut the ties that bind. You were somewhat romantically involved and had 7 dates and then it was cut short. That's hardly worthy of putting yourself through this Hell. He has a job that seems to relocate him on a somewhat regular basis, so the entire scope of this 'relationship' is going to be spent with you alone at home talking to him on Skype, texting him, and watching week after week of your life pass you right on by while your other friends eventually get into committed relationships and move forward with their lives. And there you'll be, still alone, no farther than you were before, still talking to a Skype screen, and still wishing for more. What's the point of that? Why would you make all these sacrifices just for someone you've dated 7 times? Right now, it might sound like fun and an adventure - but check back with us in 6 months when you're ready to tear your eyes out with frustration. Why ANYONE would willingly sign up for this with someone they don't even love is simply beyond me. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 (edited) Honestly, I don't think your expectations are compatible with a LDR. Seeing each other more than once a month when you are a 2-hour flight away is a bit of a stretch IMO. Flying isn't the same as driving - you have to travel to the airport, check in ahead of time, wait to board, etc... and then when you arrive at the airport again there is more traveling to be done. This means on average you are talking about 4 hours one way for the trip - a total of 8 hours return. Even if this guy is willing to indulge your request and fly to you more often than that (and he may well be, especially in the honeymoon phase), it's just not sustainable for him to do this every 2 weeks for long. I know a lot of couples who are long distance, and NOBODY with a trip that long visits each other that often, not even close. It just isn't feasible to expect it over the long term and you will end up disappointed if you do. You paying for part of his flight is not really going to solve the issue of time. On the other hand if you are willing to alternate the traveling then it might be possible - are you? I mean, by all means talk about it and try to work something out, I just feel that your expectations aren't compatible with a LDR. And that's okay - LDRs aren't for everyone. If you can't adjust your expectations, it's possible that you might be better off calling quits on this one. Edited November 16, 2015 by Elswyth 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 The minute air travel is involved, if you get to see each other more than a few times per year you are lucky. When I did an LDR we considered ourselves lucky that we got to see each other 4x per year, once every quarter. Since you already know that 1x per month is not enough for you, don't even bother to try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 . On the other hand if you are willing to alternate the traveling then it might be possible - are you? I am, that is my ideal plan- that he will come to me once a month and that I will go to him once a month. So essentially, we'll be seeing each other every 2 weeks. He's mentioned that I could go visit him as well. At the moment though he is living with his parents since he's only just moved back to his hometown, but he is searching for a place of his own, at which point this arrangement will be more feasible. I feel awkward to ask him if I can go visit him at the moment before he has a place of his own since that would mean me meeting his parents already- he hasn't even asked me to be his girlfriend yet so he might not welcome the idea Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I am, that is my ideal plan- that he will come to me once a month and that I will go to him once a month. So essentially, we'll be seeing each other every 2 weeks. He's mentioned that I could go visit him as well. At the moment though he is living with his parents since he's only just moved back to his hometown, but he is searching for a place of his own, at which point this arrangement will be more feasible. I feel awkward to ask him if I can go visit him at the moment before he has a place of his own since that would mean me meeting his parents already- he hasn't even asked me to be his girlfriend yet so he might not welcome the idea Ah, okay, that's understandable. Sure, talk to him about it and see. I do think he will feel extremely exhausted, taking a 8 hr round trip every fortnight. But if he agrees and it is only for a short period of time before he gets his own place, I don't see why not. Alternatively as you are not even official yet, perhaps talk about it after your next visit? Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I suppose with the rotating of who travels it's worth a shot. When my husband and I were in an LDR our flight time was 2 hours and we saw each other every two months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) I do think he will feel extremely exhausted, taking a 8 hr round trip every fortnight. Alternatively as you are not even official yet, perhaps talk about it after your next visit? Oh no I didn't mean that I will ask him to come every 2 weekends; I was referring to me going to him then him coming to me, every 2 weeks. Until then it would have to be once a month, with him visiting me.'He has been going to see new apartments this week so plans to get a place of his own soon. I definitely want to talk to him about "us", but I am wondering whether to wait for his next visit or to do it over the phone now? We are due to have a phone chat in a couple of days, our first chat since he went away. I would like to ask him about exclusivity since he is going to be staying at my place when he comes to visit me in 2 weeks. I still have not had sex with him, only foreplay; I said I wanted to wait till he came back, so he might have expectations for that weekend. But I'm not going to satisfy them if it turns out he's been sleeping with other girls- I need to let him know that I won't be ok letting him sleep at my place if that's what he wants to do. But at the same time I don't want to push him into a relationship :-/ Do you reckon I should wait to see him in person before having this discussion with him? Edited November 17, 2015 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
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