body image and dating

[Olivia89]

This is about body image and self consciousness and how it affects dating.

 

 

I reached my all time heaviest adult weight, 239 pounds. I am only 5'0. That is extremely overweight and I must have been severely depressed and just did not care what I was doing to myself. Maybe I still am depressed but things are calmer and happier these last few months then they had been the past 3 years. I really had a rough time for a few years there but things seem to be gradually getting better.

 

 

I recently went to a weight loss clinic and got a prescription for phentermine to help suppress my appatite and jump start some weight loss. I have been on it for 3 weeks and have lost 6 pounds. Which is not very much. I used to lose weight a lot faster when I took phentermine but I have a medical issue now that actually makes it very difficult to lose weight so even just 6 pounds is something I am thankful for. I hope to continue to have slow but steady progress.

 

 

I have a long way to go before I feel good about my body and confident. Just a few years ago I was 125 pounds at an adult weight. That's when I felt comfortable and confident. It will be a long road to get back there, if I ever make it all the way back.

 

 

But the way I feel about my body keeps me from really wanting to date. I want to because I feel lonely but I am so self conscious and don't think I would be able to relax and enjoy myself being touched or having sex or being seen naked. And I am so out of shape that I cant even imagine what sex would be like. I mean, the man would have to do all the work and I would probably want to keep my top on because my stomach is so huge and full of stretch marks.

 

 

This might sound horrible but I also feel like if I did start seeing someone, I would not be fully comfortable with having him over to my house because my roommate is thin and she walks around in really short shorts and small little outfits and I feel even more bad about myself next to her. Because I feel like any guy would rather stare at her then me.

 

 

I guess what I am saying is that I know I let myself go and it is going to take a long time to gradually get to where I am comfortable. But I have not been in a relationship for a long time and I am lonely and wish I had someone.

 

 

If I were to start trying to date, I think it would be on an online dating site because I don't know where else I would meet someone.

 

 

But how do I date and find a boyfriend and have a relationship when I am so self conscious about my body? This is not being superficial... this is about allowing someone to get close to me and share my body with them when I am not comfortable with my own body.

[todreaminblue]

hey...i understand how you feel, i think what really helps or what does for me as a bigger girl is fitness levels.....if i feel fit i am not so self conscious....being fit gives em confidence....and i can still be big ...but if i am active ...dating is ok...i am celibate till marriage so sex wont come into it until after......i would hope though when it does come time to make love that i will be fit.....i would make that effort to be so.....

 

what you are doing sounds really positive and just give yourself time to see results...i think that is the biggest self esteem booster is when you start to see results.....i do know this about using weight loss drugs...is they are a short term fix.....but you sound like you are using them just to boost weight loss to start...long term they just dont work....you have to change your lifestyle and not rely on drugs to maintain healthy adult weight.....

 

depression isnt conclusive with helping weight loss...so i would see about maintaining that first......i do know that exercise helps depression,even just a little bit of exercise to start...........

 

as far as worrying about a boyfriend and how he views you and others...trust is huge...if you cant trust a guy when you are big...how can you really trust him at all......so put sex off the table until you can truly know the guy you are with..i believe with my whole heart that sex before marriage is a path to being unhappy....and i am not a prude ...i am an ex hooker...and i have seen enough to know this to be true.....men have body image problems too.....it just takes one callous woman or man to blow all sexual confidence....that is why i truly think knowing a guy really well is the best bet....i really wish you well...dont give up ...you will get there..deb

[handi]

I am really sorry to hear of your problem. I also have depression, but I was afraid of taking medicine since I already take medicine for adhd.. and it really doesn't suit my stomach sometimes. Anyway, I think maybe the gaining weight out of nowhere is something you really should take seriously. Eating when you're sad is normal, but noticing a dramatic change is probably due to something else. I'm not trying to worry you, but I feel like I can relate even though it wasn't weight issues.. it was the general low self esteem but loneliness was more of an issue for me.

Last year I moved to another city which was cold and gloomy most of the year. I had no friends and the depression worsened. I was lonely so I went online to find a guy. I found one who didn't do anything particularly great but he was there so it was nice for three months then my crazy side opened up. The adhd and depressed me showed myself and he didnt like it. it ended, and I was more hurt than before. What I did to get out of it was literally anything outside of my comfort zone that was not risky to my health or morals. It helped, but the thing that really changed my view of myself (overall worth and happiness) was when I got a bike. The endorphins from exercise are no joke. The bike was for transportation but obviously its a work out as well. So within a few weeks i felt great and my sleep/eating (previously very poor habits) were regulated by that. But the exercise was a bonus to the general hope I had when I first got the bike and assembled it.. I felt hopeful for some reason.. like it would really help fix my lethargy and save me money. I know it's weird, but maybe you should look for something that will give you hope. Not necessarily a person (or maybe idk, everyone is different) but like the medicine youre taking? Maybe have hope that you are making some progress with that so adding some exercise should speed the image up faster.. it's all about being content with your efforts that will ease the frustration that comes when you don't see the results right away. But trust me, if you are persistent you will see results and you'll feel awesome.

 

About your roommate, it sucks to have that reenforcement. but (for some reason im on the positive train or whatever) maybe you can take it as like motivation? it helps sometimes.. in the interim, while you're dealing with the deeper issues that only you can resolve from within.

 

Good luck! I hope you feel better!

[basil67]

Olivia, I don't have much in the way of practical advice. But remember this: when a man sees you with clothes on, he will have a fairly good idea of what you look like naked. So, if he wants to see you naked, you know that he will be fine with what he sees xx

[sportygirl89]

Having recovered from an eating disorder my self is hard. Are you eating decent or eating clean at least 80% of the time? Most weight loss is all about nutrition, working out basically just tones you and gives you endorphins. Several blogs about clean eating and how to get started. If you eat better you tend to feel better. I do group work outs now to give me motivation.

[angel.eyes]

Kudos for realizing that you want to do something to change and then starting the process.

 

A few thoughts:

• Everyone has their preferences. There are some men who genuinely prefer obese women. If you end up dating such a guy, he may not find your roommate attractive.
  
• Confidence and being comfortable in your own skin are really key to being perceived as attractive and building a connection. It's difficult to flirt with a guy when you're convinced he would never find you attractive. Work on building your self-confidence.
  
• You say that you're really unfit, not just obese. Can you start exercising too? The key here is consistency. Maybe start with a walk. Just make sure you do it every day.
  
• You also mention that you've used phentermine to lose weight in the past. So this is a recurrent problem. There will be two parts to this endeavor then: (1) losing weight and (2) figuring out how to keep it off. To be successful in the long-term, you will need to address both.
  

 

Best of luck!

[regine_phalange]

Most people out there are imperfect. You don't need to look stunning to live your life. Do what you have to do to be healthy of course, but you don't need to pause dating because of this.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

I feel the same way. I gained 30 lbs last year and after my bf dumped me about 2 months ago I have to admit my self esteem is in the dumps. Honestly, I am still getting hit on but I don't feel desirable or attractive whatsoever. I hate my body at the moment and can't imagine getting sexual with anyone right now.

 

Being sexy is about feeling sexy.

 

When I start working out and eating well, I feel more fit, energetic and sexy. Even when I haven't lost much weight, the feeling after being active on a consistent basis helps improve the way I feel about myself a lot. A little goes a long way, OP.

 

Focus on a clean diet and getting some exercise and sooner than later you will start feeling better about yourself. When you do start loving yourself you will feel sexy and everything else will fall into place.

 

Don't worry about guys right now, just focus on getting your mind and health in a better place. You can do it! Baby steps!

Edited November 17, 2015 by seekingpeaceinlove