Why do I feel the need for other men beside my husband?

[CurlyIam]

One thing I've learn: alcohol doesn't push you into making mistakes, it only gives you the courage to do so.

 

You didn't test the waters, didn't just date or just kiss other men. You slept with them. As in going all the way! Sal is right, you're in denial, you simply don't see how badly you've screwed up.

 

Wanna see how guilty you are? Talk to your husband about your extramarriatal activities. If you think that indeed you are a good person and these were indeed mistakes, accept them, confess, repent and seek medical help.

[scarlyjones]

Im sorry but is anybody else thinking this? How SelfISH and "all about me" are these people who think this way. They should be ashamed of themselves, to,... for a second.... think that they are in a real pickle and need advice as if THEY are the victim. They title their posts "WHy cant I stop cheating on my spouse?"...............Well,..perhaps its because you turn your computer on, sit down, and begin LOOOOOOOOOKING for other men or women to cheat with. I think if you stop doing that,...you'd be suprised how many people you DONT cheat with. Nobody forced you to marry anyone. Whatever situation you find yourself in now, YOU created it. Isnt the answer to your question obvious? DONT CHEAT. How can cheating on your spouse be the answer to why your relationship WITH your spouse is going sour. How will that NOT sour it more? And about the ones who you are cheating with,....................why do you think that they choose YOU to sleep with? Huh? Could it be that they pick married people because it eliminates the possibility having to commit? They want to have sex,...thats it. Who better than a married woman or man? They OBVIOUSLY have other things on their plate to deal with. Another commitment is off the table completely....

[reservoirdog1]

I think this comes down to a lack of respect, for one or both of two people:

 

1) Yourself. You need validation that you're attractive and whatever assurances your husband gives you aren't enough.

 

2) Your husband. Which is very revealing... just goes to show that even the most attractive, sexy, confident, hardworking person in the world (who also happens to be a good parent) can also get cheated on.

 

Which boils down to this being a problem with YOU. You need counselling. And you need to be honest with your husband, and hope that he helps you sort out your problems. AA might be a good idea too.

 

Actually, I am a good mother, what I do on my "own time" is not a reflection of what I do in the time that I spend with my daughter. She is a very bright smart young girl and because I have issues of my own WILL NOT REFLECT ON HER. I REFUSE FOR MY PERSONAL LIFE TO EFFECT HER IN ANY WAY.

 

You're living in a dreamworld. Your personal life will affect her, because children model their behaviour on that of their parents.

 

Chances are, your daughter will one day find out that you're a serial cheat. How do you think that will impact her? Her respect for you will be shaken. How will you have any moral authority in your dealings with her after that? How will you explain it to her?

 

Enough people know that my XW is/was a serial cheat that it's pretty likely my kids will find out one day too, even if I don't tell them. My XW is very much aware of this, and the only thing she can do about it is to try to live her life on the straight and narrow from here on in, so that she can tell the kids when they find out, "yes, I did those things, but I realized the error of my ways and have spent the last X number of years changing my ways." That's assuming she's actually trying to do that, and I have no idea if she is or not.

 

So, if you want to avoid f*cking up your daughter any more than necessary, I suggest you change your ways NOW. That way hopefully you can tell her one day that you're not STILL making the same s***ty choices and that you learned from them.

[scarlyjones]

Can you be addicted to CHEATING?????

[Weird]

I feel bad for your husband.

 

You sound like a nympho and I really don't know why you are the way you are but it sure sounds like you arent mature enough to be in a marriage...you should get some help and should tell your husband about your sleeping around ways before you infect him with an STD.

 

All I know is I can only hope your daughter doesnt get infected with that type of mentality you have because it's so, so wrong and disgusting.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by prissymissy

 

Wow, writing this I sound like a total slut. I really do not know what to do.

 

 

"..like a..." -- I love that.

 

At this point, you need to tell your husband what's happened so that he can get tested too, and decide what he wants to do from here.

[portableversion]

There is nothing wrong in the sex itself. What's wrong is the marriage factor. If you know deep inside you can't resist the other men, you should

A) confess to hubby

 

b) tell hubby you still have urges and thus he too should be able to go out and experiment with his urges. As a man I'm sure there are plenty of women married or not who he'd like to have sex with.

 

Also the histrionic disorder has risky sexual behavior

[New_Wife]

You are my mother 25 years ago.

 

Let me tell you how it will affect your daughter, ready?

 

1. She will be ashamed of you. Make no mistake about that.

 

2. If you screw up her family, she will hate you for it. Her world will collapse around her, her security, her trust, her sense of belonging and life, because you can't keep your drawers on. She will hate you for that - believe me.

 

3. She will still love you, even as she hates you, further confusing her at whatever age she's at. The one female she should be able to look up to, to emulate, to trust, will be the most confusing one ever in her life.

 

4. She will blame herself. Guess what? All kids do. Holy Harlot Batman, the sins of the mother will destroy the innocence of the child.

 

5. She may have trust issues her entire life.

 

6. She may marry someone LIKE YOU. Worse than becoming you, you're already making her your victim - that's the role you're teaching her to play. Your entire family is hostage to your horomones & they don't even know it.

 

7. You may get her molested. They heck, you say? Think about the caliber of honor and trustworthiness your cheating buddies display. Think about your own. Do you really think you can keep it all separate for long? If destroying a family and sleeping with a married woman doesn't phase them - how big a leap do you really think it is? Or, that while you're out gettling laid, your daughter is growing up without her mother because her mind is elsewhere and she will get attention wherever she can find it.

 

8. Finally, some day, she will call you to answer for your crimes against her family. You can delude yourself till the hookers come home, but she will. What answer can you really expect to give to "why did you destroy my family?" What answer would ever even possibly be good enough.

 

You are 29. I suggest you grow the hell up.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by New_Wife

You are my mother 25 years ago.

 

Let me tell you how it will affect your daughter, ready?

 

1. She will be ashamed of you. Make no mistake about that.

 

2. If you screw up her family, she will hate you for it. Her world will collapse around her, her security, her trust, her sense of belonging and life, because you can't keep your drawers on. She will hate you for that - believe me.

 

3. She will still love you, even as she hates you, further confusing her at whatever age she's at. The one female she should be able to look up to, to emulate, to trust, will be the most confusing one ever in her life.

 

4. She will blame herself. Guess what? All kids do. Holy Harlot Batman, the sins of the mother will destroy the innocence of the child.

 

5. She may have trust issues her entire life.

 

6. She may marry someone LIKE YOU. Worse than becoming you, you're already making her your victim - that's the role you're teaching her to play. Your entire family is hostage to your horomones & they don't even know it.

 

7. You may get her molested. They heck, you say? Think about the caliber of honor and trustworthiness your cheating buddies display. Think about your own. Do you really think you can keep it all separate for long? If destroying a family and sleeping with a married woman doesn't phase them - how big a leap do you really think it is? Or, that while you're out gettling laid, your daughter is growing up without her mother because her mind is elsewhere and she will get attention wherever she can find it.

 

8. Finally, some day, she will call you to answer for your crimes against her family. You can delude yourself till the hookers come home, but she will. What answer can you really expect to give to "why did you destroy my family?" What answer would ever even possibly be good enough.

 

You are 29. I suggest you grow the hell up.

 

Great post, though I doubt she is still around to read it. Hopefully others who think their affairs won't affect their children can learn from it.

[reservoirdog1]

Great post, though I doubt she is still around to read it.

Somehow I doubt it too.

 

Or, who knows ... maybe she'll prove us wrong on that point. What say you, Prissy?

[oannamarie]

I was going down the path you are in now. I went to a counselor. Sex for me was used to justify the love I didnt feel from my parents growing up. I used it as a means to make myself feel loved. I didnt feel that way with my husband because I dont have to compete for his love. I was looking for the competition of obtaining love like I did with my parents when growing up. I felt my parents favored my twin sister. Counseling will help you get through this.

[prissymissy]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

Somehow I doubt it too.

 

Or, who knows ... maybe she'll prove us wrong on that point. What say you, Prissy?

 

So, I proved you wrong I guess, I am here from time to time. I am working things out with my husband, and I am going to a therapist. I have issues that I need to work out, trust issues with him and issues with myself. I do love my husband and I think that the reason that I was acting the way I did was because I was looking for a reaction from him.

 

I love my daughter and I love my husband, I need to learn to love myself and eventually things will work itself out in the mean time all I can do is try, be good, be a good mom and wife.

 

Oh well. That is my 2 cents now.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you're working things out at home. And working on yourself. That is the most important thing - Fixing yourself and talking to a therapist to understand your issues and work through them. It won't be easy, but it's worth it. Seems now you're on the right track!

[ShareHer]

Oh for cryin' out loud. What a bunch of judgemental whack jobs (the majority) trying to sling their guilt trip on this woman. Oh, is this supposed to be ToughLoveShack.org? I'm sorry, I must've clicked on the wrong site. You're trying to help her by making her feel even worse than she already does? I would've busted a gut laughing out loud at all the lame responses if not for the fact that this woman is genuinely concerned about her situation.

 

And to the woman who wrote the "This is how your daughter is going to view you" post ... oh, so every time anyone does something that even remotely resembles what your mother did, the end result will be exactly the same as it was for you? Wow, life is soooooo scripted and predictable! Can you tell me what tomorrows lottery numbers will be? Thanks.

 

And to those that posted that she should immediately confess what she's done to her husband ... yeah right. I guess you've told your spouses every little devious detail of your subconscience and every little thing you've done in life that you're not particularly proud of? Your goal is to get her to fess up to her husband so he'll leave her and you'll have the last laugh because she's just "a nasty slut that doesn't deserve a nice man like him." Ahhhhh, what a lovely bunch most of you are.

 

Prissy, if I were you, I'd mentally wipe your slate clean on what you've done with these other men. What's done is done. Focus on the present and the future. Sure, get professional help but taking advice from a bunch of emotionally charged zealots is not going to get it done. Good luck.

[Moose]

ShareHer, you're a piece of work buddy.......really!

And to those that posted that she should immediately confess what she's done to her husband ... yeah right. I guess you've told your spouses every little devious detail of your subconscience and every little thing you've done in life that you're not particularly proud of?

As a matter of fact....yes we do! How else will a person have peace of mind? Mrs. Moose does this in kind......we both sleep well thank you.

Your goal is to get her to fess up to her husband so he'll leave her and you'll have the last laugh because she's just "a nasty slut that doesn't deserve a nice man like him."

Who are you to determine what our goal is? Everyone here on LS has the same goal to use our past experiences, and present experiences to help others going through tough times. My particular goal with this thread is for the original poster to share her thoughts with her husband so that he can have an idea of what she's going through, and perhaps fix what's broken. Most people aren't mind readers......they need to hear what's broken before they can begin repairs........

[ShareHer]

Originally posted by Moosie

Who are you to determine what our goal is?

 

Ok Moosie, so what you’re saying is that it’s ridiculous for me to determine what the goals of the posters on the board are but it’s perfectly fine for you to determine them because you said …

Everyone here on LS has the same goal to use our past experiences, and present experiences to help others going through tough times.

So, what you're saying is that the others are trying to help this woman by saying things like:

 

Originally posted by Various Goal Achievers

“You are 29. I suggest you grow the hell up.”

 

“Why are you all the sudden feeling guilty? I don't know maybe because you're a bad wife and mother? Actually the real question should be why are you just now feeling guilty, you should of been feeling guilty long ago.”

 

“Your husband deserves much better than you (stating the obvious). Why not do him a favor and leave him so he can find a real woman.”

 

“There are plenty of wonderful women out there who will make much better wives for him (of course compared to you thats not saying a whole lot).”

 

Well of course, silly me. It should be obvious that the posters of these comments are, as you said, “using their past experiences, and present experiences to help others going through tough times.” And their goal is what, to make sure they go through even tougher times?

 

My particular goal with this thread is for the original poster to share her thoughts with her husband so that he can have an idea of what she's going through, and perhaps fix what's broken. Most people aren't mind readers......they need to hear what's broken before they can begin repairs........

 

Ummmmm, did you ever stop to think that what works for you and Moosette might not work for others or even anyone else? Relationships aren't formed with a cookie cutter. They are made up of two individuals who are different than the next couple of individuals. Maybe if you asked prissy's husband he would tell you that she is a wonderful wife and mother. Maybe they have a great relationship with the exception of her sexual desires outside the marriage. Maybe he wouldn't be understanding if she told him about it. I don't think it would be worth throwing away an otherwise good marriage just so she can get something off her chest. She's doing the right thing. She's going to speak to a professional that can give her unemotional, unbiased help. The problem with speaking your mind on this board is that the high and mighty, god fearing bible thumpers get their panties in a wad because someone else has the nerve to state that they are not living their life like they do.

 

Lastly, I wanted to address those that will tell you that the moment you have sex with someone other than your regular partner, you immediately contract a STD and die on the spot. Ummmmm, it is possible to have sex with someone new without catching something otherwise no one would ever have sex with anyone else and mankind would eventually die off. In my lifetime I've had sex with over 70 women and wow, I never caught anything! How could that be? My then fiancee had sex with another man and then I had sex with her and wow, I still didn't catch anything! Yes, the more sex partners you have, the greater the chance of contracting a STD. The more gasoline tanker trucks you pass on the highway, the greater the chance of you dying in a massive explosion. I suppose if there was a reference in the bible somewhere about never passing a tanker truck we'd have huge traffic backups due to the religious fanatics doing 45 mph on the highway.

[Grinning Maniac]

Just to weigh in, I'm agnostic and I still think the OP should be straight with her husband. Religion never has been my bag, so don't think that I'm defending it, but it seems more than a bit hypocritical for you to say:

 

The problem with speaking your mind on this board is that the high and mighty, god fearing bible thumpers get their panties in a wad because someone else has the nerve to state that they are not living their life like they do.

 

...When you are doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING. You're just as biased as you accuse other people of being. So get off your high horse, man.

 

Relationships aren't cookie cutter experiences, you're correct about that. So why are you going against your own words when giving advice? At least twice in your posts, you've made the assumption that your way of doing things is best for all. Isn't that assuming a little much? Relationships are all different; yours for example, seems to be a fairly open one, judging from your username, posts here, and the gigantic thread you made in the past about wanting to watch your wife with other men.

 

Surely you must realize that while your methods work just fine for you and your wife, the same may not be true for the OP's husband. Yeah, it's possible that he would not be shocked at all by the knowledge of what has been going on. Hell, it's even possible that he'd dig it. But it's ALSO possible that he would not be ok with it at all. You don't know what the rest of their marriage is like, neither do I. But that still doesn't negate the fact that he has a right to know the reality of his situation. Nobody has the to make that choice FOR you. Who is she to do so? Who are you?

 

Your suggestion that she just bury the past is a very ignorant one, IMO. Reason being that she's relatively sure her husband won't take the news too well. Zealot or not, Moose brings up a valid point. There is no way that her husband can change anything in their marriage if he's oblivious to the problems in it. He has the right to know what's going on. This is his marriage too. Who is she to emasculate him and deny him the right to make any decisions. You focus on him possibly leaving, while completely ignoring the possibility of him waking up and making some positive changes on his end.

 

Keeping the whole thing hidden from him, in the name of "protecting him" is a joke. In reality, most people do so to protect THEMSELVES. They're so afraid of "rocking the boat" that they'll say nothing to the captain even when they know that the ship's taking on water. Great plan... Besides, don't you think it's a little unfair to make someone deal with such a big problem in a relationship COMPLETELY on their own? I'd think it would be pretty stressful on a person.

 

It's obviously bothering her enough that she's seeking counseling, but unfortunately the problem here probably lies in both their courts. She could get counseling for years, but if whatever's missing on her husband's end isn't addressed, she could end up right back where she started.

 

What's the point in that?