Does my partner have a crush on my best friend?

[siankat]

I've been with my partner for a year and a half and a year ago he met two of my closest friends at a festival. One friend is considered universally hot and the other is less conventionally 'hot' but still attractive.

 

I've known my partner for 12 years (he was a colleague then friend at a distance), and also have known my attractive friend for 20 years.

 

My partner got very drunk that night and my attractive friend rubbed her butt over the fire which my partner's face told me he found a turn on (i know his turned on face of course). It didn't bother me as he was drunk and i just thought, 'ah blokes' and i would kind of expect any man to appreciate a beautiful woman/sexy woman objectively and no doubt my other friend had she done the same, would've gotten the same reaction.

 

I'd assumed though that at knowing them for just that short day/night, that he wouldn't have gotten to know either of them very well and make a superficial judgement on both. As time went on though, i realised that from seeing them both together, that my attractive friend was his type rather than my hot friend. I haven't had this intuition about him with any of my other friends who are all attractive.

 

So anyway, months down the line, we were sitting eating dinner and i don't know how my friend came into the conversation but he got all serious and said how, 'she's got something (looking like he was about to cry and pointing to his chest), really special, she's so genuine, cares about everything she does and is so natural'. What he likes most about people is genuineness and naturalness. It's like the thing he regards the highest. It was the intensity of feeling with which he said it that threw me.

 

I was a bit reluctant to bring her up again after that but then again i didn't want to pretend she doesn't exist, shes my best friend. Months later she told me she was relocating nearer where we live. I told my partner. He got this happy goofy look on his face and said he was happy for me. Did she need a place to stay while sorting herself out. I said our place was a two bedroom, no couch, and we have his two kids over a lot. He said, 'we could move to a bigger place'. I was like wtf (inside) lol )) So i kinda probed and asked if he would be happy for any of my friends and family to move in with us a while and he said of course but that he knew she was a hard worker and wouldn't intrude (he knows nothing about her work ethic or job situation - she was unemployed for a year when he met her although that was circumstances not her fault). He also then back tracked and said, 'be careful though i know what it's like living with friends and it can get annoying after two weeks'. But i didn't forget his initial enthusiasm.

 

They have a lot in common (which neither know as they barely know each other), and have similar outlooks on things and i think if he knew her better, he would like her more and more. His initial first impression was already really positive but in a way that seemed more intense than objective and he hasn't spoken so positively about any of my other friends/family.

 

There was also a time when i did her a favour (2 hours detour after a 5 hour trip to give her new flatmate keys while she was on holiday). My partner was annoyed at the detour and kept saying, 'i hope the flatmate knows the trouble you are going to for her' and i said 'it's my friend i am doing the favour for' but at no point did he get annoyed at her as he did this anonymous person for the inconvenience. And it wasn't even her that had inconvenienced us, it was my friend (i don't mind but he seemed to go out of his way to not blame her and yet he felt annoyed enough to blame the other girl). So i said, 'if it were my hot friend, (who he wasn't keen on), who had asked me this favour you'd be blaming her right now'. He smiled and said, 'yes probably'. I said so how come you don't blame (my attractive friend) . He replied that she was a lot more genuine and wouldn't put me out unless she could help it (even though i had said she hadn't replied to any of my messages asking to rearrange this thing so i could do the trip an easier way). In fact my hot friend is a lot more s*** hot when it comes to organising things.

 

I said, 'you seem pretty taken with my attractive friend'. And he said he wasn't it's just that i seemed to gel with her better than the other girl and that it had only happened a few times in his life where he'd met someone he felt was so genuine as her. I suppose what bothered me was that i don't feel he compliments me with the same intensity or passion so to speak.

 

On the other hand, his pet hate is to be judged. And my attractive friend makes everyone feel comfortable while he felt under the microscope with my hot friend who asked him some tough questions to see is she thought he was good enough for me which i thought was endearing. He is very black and white about people. Love or hate. But i've never heard him be this emphatic about anyone in a positive way, and if it was just superficial comppliments about looks or passing compliments about anything else, i wouldn't care, but it's like he goes into a different mode when talking about her.

 

I am very passionate about certain things that my partner is not, and my best friend has the same take as him (unbeknown to them).

 

I know my relationship is relatively good, and i do love him, but what matters to him most in a relationship is how he feels about the other person, and after all we have been through and i have supported him with, it feels strange that someone he's met only twice, has made such a deep lasting impression on him. Someone i don't want to feel uncomfortable with him being around and she's really important to me. And yet i feel that if they spend more time together, his feelings for her will only deepen, and i just feel sick at the thought of having to go through this as i cannot organise my time and activities so they don't see each other which i honestly feel i have already done.

 

I don't feel my friend would reciprocate. For more than one reason. However, it's not really the point. If she had strong feelings for him and vice versa i would have to step aside, it means he's not for me. I know any partner i have will always find other women attractive physically and personally but like he said about her, this is rare.

 

If anyone has any insight they'd like to share or perspective i'm open to hearing opinions. At the end of the day i think i have to let them be around each other and if it still really bothers me in that, there are more compliments or a bond forming between them that i feel left out of then i'll have to consider that but i am scared to as i already feel like i know what will happen.

[siankat]

Can someone please help. I've kept them apart on purpose but we are planning a family and I need to let this play out I just don't have the the will power to expose myself to potential suffering so I have put it off

[Space Ritual]

'she's got something (looking like he was about to cry and pointing to his chest), really special, she's so genuine, cares about everything she does and is so natural'. What he likes most about people is genuineness and naturalness. It's like the thing he regards the highest. It was the intensity of feeling with which he said it that threw me.

 

 

What load of crap.

 

Any guy that would say that in that manner is so full of shyte his teeth are floating.

 

Genuine and natural my arse.

 

Guys do not say crap like hat unless they have a boner for somebody they say that about.

 

All that platitude crap is wondering how nice it would be to get into her pants.

 

You have every right to be worried.

 

Seriously, young lady, guys don't go overboard like that unless they have a true hard on for a chick. No guy goes on and on like your boyfriend has about her without some ulterior motive.

 

Trust me, I am about as cretinous as they come.

 

After everything you wrote and the fact they have only met a handful of times would lead me to believe your BF would jump her bones the second an opportunity presented itself. Just remember that women are not the only ones that have that a monopoly on unrealistically "Stumbling upon my soulmate".

 

That is exactly what it sounds like to me. I'd be very wary of this guy. But at least you will probably know right away if he does attempts something stupid. His demeanor when this girl comes up in conversation should mean he has zero poker face when it comes to her. His sounds like a terrible liar so if something does happen you'll probably not have to do much investigating.

 

I had a similar problem some years back with my then fiance. I thought that my best friend and her were being a bit too cozy with all the wonderful compliments they were paying each other.

 

However being I was getting married soon I decided that I was just paranoid, so I asked him to be my best man. He agreed without a second thought. I put it out of my mind. Lo and behold I caught them in my bed in my house 3 weeks before I was to be married. Not to mention plenty of my other friends actually knew about it and neglected to tell me. To say that ever since then I have had very little trust in people reassuring me that their motives are pure is an understatement.

 

Needless to say my BS detector would be redlining if I were you.

[Space Ritual]

Can someone please help. I've kept them apart on purpose but we are planning a family and I need to let this play out I just don't have the the will power to expose myself to potential suffering so I have put it off

 

I'm really sorry you have felt the need to do this but obviously you have done this and actually asked for advice because your gut is screaming at you this guy has an ulterior motive. And your gut is probably right.

 

Planning a family with him is the last thing you want to do. What more selfish excuse would he have for seeking out the affections of one of your friends is when he feels the pressure of fatherhood and feels that he isn't attracted to you because you are pregnant.

 

There are plenty of stories around here form poor young women who get cheated on while pregnant and their guy usually comes up with a similar lame assed excuse. You don't want to be another one.

 

This situation has bad ending written all over it. Genuine and natural my ass. lol

[Scarlett.O'hara]

she told me she was relocating nearer where we live. I told my partner. He got this happy goofy look on his face and said he was happy for me. Did she need a place to stay while sorting herself out. I said our place was a two bedroom, no couch, and we have his two kids over a lot. He said, 'we could move to a bigger place'.

 

This last bit was a big red flag for me. He is willing to move in order to have her in the next room. I have to agree with Space Ritual, he sounds unable to even hide his infatuation for her.

 

This situation has bad ending written all over it.

 

I think you should heed Space Ritual's warning. I can't imagine how painful that must have been to discover three weeks before the wedding. So awful!

[Space Ritual]

Siankat,

 

Not being familiar with your posts I took some time this evening to read some of your most recent threads, so those within the last few months are obviously concerning the same guy you are referring to in this thread.

 

That being said I have one question to ask of you?

 

Why are you subjecting yourself to all this guy's crap?

 

When I read your initial post on this thread i actually was under the assumption that you and he were in your early 20's And I gave you advice based on that.

 

Discovering that you are older than that and Mr. Genuine and Natural is in his forties, that makes his behavior even more pathetic.

 

 

He told you once he wasn't a believer in monogamy. He also has a cheating past.

 

 

Those above words are paraphrasing from something you wrote....

 

I think based upon what I read of your threads, you are asking to get hurt by this guy if you plan on having a family with him.

 

41 year old guys only act this way when they are fully comfortable telegraphing their stupidity and unafraid of any consequence.. And this guy is sending stupidity smoke signals with a king sized blanket over a Bonfire.

[siankat]

Thanks for your replies and reading the other threads.

Every person has layers of complexity and just to put it in context;

1) he gushed about my dad saying what a wonderful guy he is and how he's a real mans man and so on. This was before he'd ever met him.....

My dad is great but I tried to balance it out for him saying my mum was the rock in our family and never let my dads depression leave her down trodden and weathered. He continued to 'idolise' my dad. Then he met them. He now can't stop saying how amazing my mum is and is totally cooled off my dad. My mum is 75... I can only think he doesn't like to be judged and felt my dad was wary of him as I'm his daughter and I'd never brought a guy home before (I only wanted to bring one ever). My mum is very easy for troubled guys to feel comfortable around.

2) he works in care sand gushed about this kid saying she was amazing and wanted to adopt her and when he talked about her you could see his heart soar. We were planning to move closer to his kids so...priorities...

3) my sister is hot - he's said nothing and I don't get a vibe. The genuine natural thing he's used before to describe his cousin (a male) he thinks is great.

4) an old boss (male) of his he always saw as a role model and gushed about him...way more impassioned about him than his own dad who raised him, was a mans man and a good man by all accounts.

 

Could it be that he idolises people irrespective of gender and attraction?

[siankat]

Also, I'm not proud of it but I wanted him to have a more balanced view of my friend as no one is perfect so when I did her a favour and she didn't acknowledge it and kinda left me to it, I made sure he was aware. Since then when I mention her he's no longer emphatic or lights up just asks how she's doing and commented that in the photos I showed him of our night out that she looked like a man in photos. My friend is great and I do worry if I have them around each other his attention and feelings will grow however I did ask in a fight why he gushed about her and other people and he called me jealous so he may be careful. I feel like I need to be brave and just live life without being petrified of the consequence and just deal with whatever happens.

I feel I shouldn't have to manage things this much even though we are on an even keel. I want her in my life more but I'm scared of being hurt

[Space Ritual]

This guy seems to go all in on whenever the winds blow.

 

He seems to be totally impulsive. and impulsive people are ones who throw caution to the wind on a regular basis and are the types that always use that annoying quote "Better to ask for forgiveness than for permission".

 

I have never met a person who uses that phrase that was not totally comfortable with starting a proverbial dumpster fire and then shrugging their shoulders...lol

 

He reminds me of the Judge Reinhold character in Seinfeld..The Close Talker.

 

Look familiar? LOL

 

[siankat]

That video made me laugh but I didn't get the connection except that he lives in his own world unaware of his actions and how he makes people feel? Anyway I hadn't seen it before and it made me chuckle.

 

I'd also never heard of that phrase about permission and forgiveness.

 

The more I think about this the more details about other instances pop up.

E.g. He's know this girl for years, we worked for him but not at the same time, fast forward to me he'd always referred to her as a friend. However the real context was he tried to get with her but while she liked him too she didn't wanna get hurt as he had a gf. I called him on it that a friend isn't someone you try to sleep with. He tried to downplay it. Anyway she moved to our country and he was saying he'd like to invite her up, be above board, not see her by himself, but that she and her kid have had it really rough (she lost a kid and then her ex), and that he'd like her to know we are here for them and that when she sees how he is with me she'll totally get that he won't entertain anything with her.

 

I felt it was a load of unnecessary contemplation on his side because she made the move over to study uprooting her kid so she has the finance, and he's taking it on himself to support her somehow when she made the choice to move it wasn't forced, and they haven't seen each other in over a decade so he shouldn't put himself up their as her main confident here which is how he was talking.

I told him that and she's moved over, there's been no contact, he's not reproached me about it so it's asleep for the time being. But I've worked a lot to minimise threats to our relationship which I feel I've undermined myself doing as I'd like him to do the right thing in the first instance. Main issue for me was, he never mentioned me and she never asked in all their correspondence....he said she'd know by social media I existed.

 

So I felt like he didn't talk about me on purpose but then he negates to mention me in an upcoming trip to a male friend of his...he just mentioned him and the kids people can be odd and it means nothing sinister. It's my friend that is the big issue for me: I want her in my life fully, not hiding her, but you were right about stumbling across a soulmate as I think especially off the back of his comments at the time....he could've become further infatuated with her. They have not seen each other in two years.

[Space Ritual]

Just consider that you are doing all the heavy lifting here. He seems to be always having to walk back a comment. If that is indeed the case, and that is the extent of his consequences, then he will continue to do it because he may be under the impression that you are going to be so lost without him. ESPECIALLY if he knows you are eager to start a family.

 

Relationships are about compromise at critical points. From what you describe it would seem he only considers compromise when backed against a wall. To me that sounds like someone that is ripe for nefarious behavior.

 

One thing you can do is the age old activity of making a column for pros and cons of the relationship and list each one as you currently know them. Compare and contrast and see for yourself how much you are prepared to deal with. It sounds like you have already dealt with a boatload of unnecessary drama.

 

As you can tell I am pretty much a pessimist in these situations because of not only what happened to me, but the threads on this and other forums demonstrate without question that cheaters generally follow the same script, even when they are not currently cheating.

 

 

I still am of the opinion this guy would totally cheat on you if the opportunity presented itself. I myself have never cheated on anyone in a relationship, but have been victim of it more than once. And it took me a long time to become the total prick I am today when it comes to relationships. As a result I would never get involved in anything serious again. So consider that as well. Some people would totally discount anything I had to say based on that alone, and you are more than welcome to do the same. Just remember that they all do literally follow the same script.

[siankat]

It's a shrewd observation that he doesn't compromise at critical points except when his back is really against the wall. However, doing as you describe, the heavy lifting, the relationship is roughly where I want it. However I don't want him to feel trapped or constricted. I asked him the other day if he felt compromised in himself about anything the relationship brought and I was surprised he said he hadn't felt he'd needed to make compromises. I say I'm surprised as I felt he'd want the lifestyle you'd need in order to fully indulge cheating but there is literally none of that.

I take the point that while perhaps not cheating at this time, he is still wired to cheat, and the threshold for him to do so may be lower than the average person coupled with less conscience.

I feel like I need to just let my friend into our life and I'm expecting the worst. Your thoughts?

[olivetree]

As for having him around your friend:

 

They are both important people in your life.

Bring them around each other.

If you find you are getting more uncomfortable, then you have your answer and you can move on.

If he prefers her, he isn't the guy for you!

Living in fear of what might happen is no way to live.

 

Now, this stuff is more concerning to me:

-You said something like he doesn't talk to you the same way he talks about your friend? (I couldn't find the part again to quote you)

-You seem to think that they have more in common than the two of you do.

-He is a serial cheater

 

It sounds like you are settling.

Don't you want to be with someone you have lots in common with and that looks at you and talks about you as though they adore you? And whom you trust whole-heartedly?

[Space Ritual]

Only you know what you can tolerate, so just make sure you are secure enough in your own judgement. One of two things will happen...ether nothing at all, or something that will probably be a deal breaker for you.

 

Just keep in mind that words are really cheap. I learned that the hard way. With my fiance, I had known her and her family all her life as we grew up in the same neighborhood and attended teh same schools form the time we were in elementary all the way through high school. She was 4 years younger than me but growing up we were around each other by physical proximity on a continuous basis. My best friend was too. We all knew each other from childhood. All 3 of us. People whom you think you know that well are certainly the last ones you would ever think would betray you.

 

Mine is indeed an extreme case that had a very violent denouement but it is not totally unheard of. I allowed it to totally color the rest of my life after it. I am not kidding you when I say I used to be the nicest guy anyone would ever want to meet, and in an instant I became a literal monster. I never saw it coming.

 

And they betrayed me in the worst way possible. I made some very rash decisions upon discovery that ended up landing me in some very hot water and changed my life for the worse that I continue to pay for 30 years later.

 

I just hope that in an effort to reconnect with your friend and invite her back into your life it does not end up blowing up in your face. It may not even be her intent to have any of this going on but sometimes these things take on a life of their own. I'd sure hate for you to experience an iota of what I did. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. I just think with all the baggage that has already passed form him to you with his actions this is a ticking time bomb for you.

[smackie9]

Reality of it is...we all in one time or another during our life will meet someone that sweeps us off our feet, have crushes on other than our SO. It's perfectly natural thing that happens that you find someone else attractive or even feel a deep emotional connection with. BUT it doesn't mean you or they will act on it. Guys....especially guys will get a boner for most any attractive female, whether it be a cashier or coworker, friend, etc. I'm not saying guys are knuckle draggers and can't control themselves, but there is nothing stopping them from thinking it.

 

Your best bet is to address his behavior when it happens. The day after he said that about her, you should have told him how it made you feel uncomfortable. Guys are not mind readers, you have to discuss this with him. He could be totally oblivious to his behavior. It's your job to communicate, and his. Talk to him.

[siankat]

I don't have any issue with him finding other people attractive and having a momentary lusting after them. He used to be the kind of guy though who just went with however he felt and was a remorseless cheater. It all back fired on him and he lost everything; that coupled with getting older, it took the edge off his hedonism and the most reassuring aspect of his behaviour is that he no longer goes out clubbing, or works in bars. He puts us first in his plans.

 

About my friend, I feel that even if I did say something about it he'd only lie to protect my feelings. One of my best and worst features is I do speak up if not happy and I did with this situation but fear I may have shown my hand. I need to let what will be will be and let the situation pan out itself. However I'm to scared of rocking this life I've worked so hard to build that I put off having them in the same room.

 

We are a lot closer now because we understand each other. If I mention her now he doesn't get all misty eyed but it's been over two years since he saw her. My instincts are often spot on. I need my life to be natural...but I feel sick at what I may see.

[stillafool]

If this girl is such an important friend why has it been 2 years since you've seen her? The only way you will get your answer as to whether he truly wants her is to let them be around each other. Are you planning to not see your friend again because of fear?

[Lunay]

There should never be a point in time in your relationship that you have to question whether or not your partner has a crush on your best friend. It's nothing you've done, or that your friend has done. It's ALL him and the things he says and his reactions toward her that is making you think this way.

 

Do you still trust him?

[siankat]

I have seen my best friend in the meantime but at her place or when he's away overnight working.

[siankat]

I totally agree. It's all him. He's not to blame for how he feels but for me if I felt that way about someone I'd ask myself how serious it was. If it was a physical and mental attraction to a strong degree that didn't come and go then that would be near impossible to beat.

 

My other friend is coming to visit so I'm asking my best friend along too as they know each other. He hasn't seen the friend he gushed about in over two years. I mentioned they'd both be coming. For the friend he didn't like he said he'd try and take another shift when she came. Then I asked if he'd feel more comfortable if the friend he likes comes too. He laughed, biggest smile of the whole chat (many topics) and said he'd assumed I'd be asking her anyway as we know each other.

[siankat]

Do I trust him? If he had the opportunity to cheat with a woman he fancied and not have any real fear of being caught I think he'd take it. Wouldn't most men? This daily living with him for years may have converted my idealism into realism or optimism into pessimism. I can't tell anymore. People are so complicated and 2+2 doesn't always equal 4 when you don't intimately know the personalities involved. Or it could be very simple. If he cheats - he's a betrayer and an ******* boyfriend

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Seems like he's certainly attracted to her.

 

What you need to figure out is if you trust him as your man. Do you?

[Try]

Do I trust him? If he had the opportunity to cheat with a woman he fancied and not have any real fear of being caught I think he'd take it. Wouldn't most men?

No, most men would not cheat if they did "not have any real fear of being caught". The truth is most men can cheat without being caught, but do not cheat anyway. A major study showed that most cheating goes completely undetected by the cheated on spouse. For example, a guy just has to go on an out of town business trip, stay at a nice hotel, and dress nice, and if they want to cheat without being caught, the opportunity will present itself.

[darkmoon]

you should drop the friend, you are putting her under his nose and asking us if this is going to be ok, the "biggest smile of the chat" tells me that you need to either stop them meeting or live on your nerves

[preraph]

I hope everyone's experience hasn't been mine, but I've found that men usually either dislike your girlfriends and wish you'd lose them or they are attracted to them. It's not great.