I really, really miss her. [UPDATED]

[Protec]

They aren't necessarily bad things, but in your situation, might I suggest that:

 

1) Sleeping together so quickly probably made you feel much more attached to her than if you hadn't.

2) Staying over when she has her kids is inappropriate unless you are a long-established boyfriend or step-father. Kids aren't dumb, but the mother obviously either thinks that or grossly underestimates how confusing these things are to young children.

 

 

 

You literally said a lot of these things about your ex in this same thread.

 

I know i said same things about my ex. Still...i liked my ex better. And i understand myself better now. But i am also so very confused about all of this...

 

Again, everything she said and what she did contradicts everything.

I really thought i was "safe". But suddenly, boom, "i take my ex back".

She did not even talk about it with me.

 

This tuesday, when i woke up at her place, we had a little talk. She said that "i feel that 3 of us may be too wild for you". I said "I have no experience being around kids, and i have never dated anyone with kids, please give some time getting used to all of this. This is huge change for me. I have playful nature, but i am not yet "myself" in all of this."

 

maybe that was that caused it all. I know i could've gotten used to it all. It just takes time. But maybe she was in a hurry...or in need for some money.

 

She complained a lot to me how she cannot pay the rent etc. I am poor myself. I can barely keep roof on my head myself.

 

Her ex on the other hand,has a company = Money...

[Protec]

Stupid brains, made me see dreams about her all night...

 

Blanco, i know you are right. At first we hid our "closeness" from the kids, but as days passed i noticed that she was comfortable hugging me and kissing me in front of her kids. So i thought "oh, we are moving forward".

 

I don't know what happened. But i am just very baffled. Everything she said...just tuesday "i would like to do so many things with you!". So i really thought she wanted to be with me...

 

Maybe she thought i could not commit 100% to her and her kids? I dunno really. 1 month is really short time, we only saw each other about 10-11 times. That is not too much.

 

AND!

 

She told me she had dumped other guy just before me...so i think she has some serious issues with men. I just feel bad for her kids. As she told me her kids were pretty devastaded when she broke up with her ex. And now suddenly her ex comes back just when their mommy has been sleeping with another man

 

Too much drama for me i guess... Yes. Even for me.

[Protec]

I mean this women i dated for a month, she never said anything bad about me.

Not once. She always treated me well, she had even made me sushi rolls!

 

I don't know if this is important but she spent christmas eve with me.

Xmas eve! That is one of the most important days of the year and she chose to spend it with me.

 

Weird. And again i am trying to find a reason and logic behind all this. Why? When? Who? And so on...it's just a waste of energy, waste of time. She is gone. I lost. Her ex won, and soon they will probably break up again. It's not good for kids to see their mom change men around like socks...

[D.r.e]

Weird. And again i am trying to find a reason and logic behind all this. Why? When? Who? And so on...it's just a waste of energy, waste of time. She is gone. I lost. Her ex won, and soon they will probably break up again. It's not good for kids to see their mom change men around like socks...

 

So did he really win then? sounds like you got off easy.

[BC1980]

How is having sex a bad thing?

How is staying over a bad thing?

 

We have known each other from the start of december. Our first date was 5th December.

 

I really liked being with her. I felt confortable around her. I wanted to be around her. I know when i don't like someone and i cannot force myself to liking just anyone. Trust me. Longest time i've been single was 2 years. And yes, i dated in that time, but no one "clicked".

 

I admit i am naive. I often get hurt because i trust in people too much.

 

Staying over and having sex aren't bad things in the right context. Most of what I quoted involved her kids. Be very careful of someone introducing you to kids so quickly. Also, you've known her less than a month, and her kids are watching a stranger sleep over with their mom. Doesn't that make you question her parenting skills? Who knows how many strange men she has sleeping over each month? It's best not to even meet a kid unless you are in a committed relationship. Like Blanco said, kids are very perceptive. If someone was foisting their kids on me so early, I would seriously question their parenting skills or what they wanted from me.

 

It's fine to have sex and stay over, but maybe cool it at the beginning. You sound very prone to getting attached to people before vetting them. Take is slower.

[Protec]

Staying over and having sex aren't bad things in the right context. Most of what I quoted involved her kids. Be very careful of someone introducing you to kids so quickly. Also, you've known her less than a month, and her kids are watching a stranger sleep over with their mom. Doesn't that make you question her parenting skills? Who knows how many strange men she has sleeping over each month? It's best not to even meet a kid unless you are in a committed relationship. Like Blanco said, kids are very perceptive. If someone was foisting their kids on me so early, I would seriously question their parenting skills or what they wanted from me.

 

It's fine to have sex and stay over, but maybe cool it at the beginning. You sound very prone to getting attached to people before vetting them. Take is slower.

 

Yes. I was too blind. I mean at first i was very careful with her so her kids would not see us kissing, or hugging. Then i noticed her getting closer to me even when her kids saw us. I was trying to be careful and take it slow.

 

I think she may have some issues. I mean she was on Lithium. And she had suffered a serious burn out about year ago...

 

She also told me that she had dated someone just before me and the longest time ever she has been without a man has been a MONTH. A MONTH!

 

Also, she had only dated her other kids father only for 7 months...so...

 

She had kids with 2 different fathers. And i don't know how many guys she has dated. She has also been engaged at least once.

 

But what i hate the most were those so called "Beautiful lies":

 

"Every time you kiss me or touch me neck, i feel electricity going trough me"

"Is there a magnet inside you or something, i just want to be close to you all the time"

"I really, really like you a lot..."

"It feels so good being next to you, you calm me down. You are my opposite"

 

And other countless, nice things she said about me. Maybe i did not move fast enough?

 

She did nice things to me.

 

She baked me a cake, she made me sushi rolls, she bought us a board game that we could play together etc.

 

She was very nice to me for this whole time. I had no idea she would want her ex back. We even spent xmas together.

 

I admit i was very silent around her...i had trouble finding anything to discuss about. For some reason i was quite shy around her. But i also don't like to talk just for nothing. Sure i can vent my feelings here, but this is not talking I am a bit introverted and i myself don't find silence disturbing, it was not awkward silence. At least for me. We still talked. And if i had known her longer, we would have talked more. It's just hard trying to come up with discussion when her 2 kids were playing around and being noisy. Yes, lack of experience.

 

I don't like talking for nothing. And honestly, my life is not very insteresting at the moment so there is nothing much to talk about.

Edited January 1, 2016 by Protec

[BC1980]

Yes. I was too blind. I mean at first i was very careful with her so her kids would not see us kissing, or hugging. Then i noticed her getting closer to me even when her kids saw us. I was trying to be careful and take it slow.

 

I think she may have some issues. I mean she was on Lithium. And she had suffered a serious burn out about year ago...

 

She also told me that she had dated someone just before me and the longest time ever she has been without a man has been a MONTH. A MONTH!

 

Also, she had only dated her other kids father only for 7 months...so...

 

She had kids with 2 different fathers. And i don't know how many guys she has dated. She has also been engaged at least once.

 

But what i hate the most were those so called "Beautiful lies":

 

"Every time you kiss me or touch me neck, i feel electricity going trough me"

"Is there a magnet inside you or something, i just want to be close to you all the time"

"I really, really like you a lot..."

"It feels so good being next to you, you calm me down. You are my opposite"

 

And other countless, nice things she said about me. Maybe i did not move fast enough?

 

She did nice things to me.

 

She baked me a cake, she made me sushi rolls, she bought us a board game that we could play together etc.

 

She was very nice to me for this whole time. I had no idea she would want her ex back. We even spent xmas together.

 

I admit i was very silent around her...i had trouble finding anything to discuss about. For some reason i was quite shy around her. But i also don't like to talk just for nothing. Sure i can vent my feelings here, but this is not talking I am a bit introverted and i myself don't find silence disturbing, it was not awkward silence. At least for me. We still talked. And if i had known her longer, we would have talked more. It's just hard trying to come up with discussion when her 2 kids were playing around and being noisy. Yes, lack of experience.

 

I don't like talking for nothing. And honestly, my life is not very insteresting at the moment so there is nothing much to talk about.

 

She sounds extremely unstable.

[Protec]

Yeah i think she has some issues. I mean she dumps a guy, starts dating other guys etc. and me, then dumps us all and takes ex back again after about half year? And the best part is: She dumped her EX.

 

She is just going through guys... Back and forth. I just wonder what she is going to say to her kids when suddenly the old guy returns and i vanish

 

I am not mad at her. She gave me good time, i enjoyed every second with her. We had chemistry at least. You can't fake that.

[BC1980]

Yeah i think she has some issues. I mean she dumps a guy, starts dating other guys etc. and me, then dumps us all and takes ex back again after about half year? And the best part is: She dumped her EX.

 

She is just going through guys... Back and forth. I just wonder what she is going to say to her kids when suddenly the old guy returns and i vanish.

 

I don't think she considers her kids much in all of this.

[Protec]

I don't think she considers her kids much in all of this.

 

Well she said me "I need to be very careful because last time i broke up, my kids were at shock and felt bad for a long time".

 

The kids did not get attached to me yet. They learned my name and even played with me a little. Maybe that's why she called it off. Maybe she felt it's better to get someone old back than take risk with me.

 

Also i got the feeling that she needs "life support" more than a loving man. She used to date some rich fellow who bought everything to her and she used to live in a huge house. They broke up and i think it's since then she had the burnout and started taking "mind pills".

 

She is unemployed with 2 kids, she barely has money to pay the rent. So,

 

1) take a man who is poor and cannot help financially: (Me)

 

OR

 

2) Take a man who has money and will help financially (the other guy)

 

Still i am little bit pissed about this. I really had fun with her and her kids. Just few more weeks and i think i would've been completely myself around them. Now i never know.

 

But still, maybe better this way.

[Blanco]

What you should hate the most is that you ignored the barrage of red flags she was trying to smack you with.

 

People doing nice things shouldn't blind you to serious warning signs. It's like a pickpocket making friendly small talk with you while he pilfers your wallet.

[Protec]

What you should hate the most is that you ignored the barrage of red flags she was trying to smack you with.

 

People doing nice things shouldn't blind you to serious warning signs. It's like a pickpocket making friendly small talk with you while he pilfers your wallet.

 

No one has ever told me anything about red flags...

 

Maybe i am way too naive then.

 

She makes me dinner, i think "wow, she likes me, she saw the effort to make me dinner".

 

She wants to have sex, i think "wow, she must like me because she wants to have sex".

 

She wants to kiss me in front of her kids, i think "I guess she is starting to feel very confortable around me, since she wants to show her affection in front of her kids"

 

That's how i think. I kinda think i messed this up by not saying anything nice to her. Not once i said that "you are very beautiful". Maybe she thought i did not like her enough... i dunno. I was kind of distant, just because i wanted to take it slow.

 

I made the mistake with my ex when we moved in together just knowing each other for a month. We all know what happened there. I did not want to make the same mistake again by going full throttle into new relationship.

 

Well. I still crashed and burned. Just wednesday she sent me picture of her kid building a BRIO railroad.

 

I really wonder what happened. Why did she choose her ex over me? What could i have done differently? Now i learned almost nothing. She just suddenly lost interest. Why? Did i say something?

 

I really would like to ask her. And also i feel bit dissappointed she did not "break up" with me face to face.

 

Because just this tuesday we woke up, we kissed, ate breakfast, we even went out to play with her kids. I even swinged her younger son and played bit "football".

 

I was actually getting used to all of it, tried to show a little bit more what i can do and what i can be.

 

I just wonder...

[Protec]

I must admit though... When she came to my place first time, we got bit drunk etc. and she suggested for sex. Then i said "i have no condoms left..." and then she said "don't worry, i have some". I thought "hmm...what kind of woman carries condoms with her".

 

But afterwards i learned she has been quite busy with men...that was a warning sign.

 

But that was before i had even seen her kids or even talk about crush. It was few dates after that she started to say that she has a crush on me...

 

Also what i noticed about her apartment...There was only pictures of her kids everywhere. In kitchen, in the living room, in her bedroom... No pictures on walls, no posters, no music cd's at present, no movies. Only pictures of her kids. Everywhere. Well, can't really judge no one, but i still would've loved to see something else than pictures of her kids everywhere.

 

I have myself pictures of space, anime posters, bruce lee poster, game posters, music cd's at display etc. something to show off my personality.

Edited January 1, 2016 by Protec

[Itspointless]

"hmm...what kind of woman carries condoms with her".

A smart women who is in for something unexpected or one who has regular sexual contacts. And I guess that goes for many. Not my thing though, but I am sure, many people do these kind of things. I am one of those rare types who needs to feel something for someone.

[Protec]

A smart women who is in for something unexpected or one who has regular sexual contacts. And I guess that goes for many. Not my thing though, but I am sure, many people do these kind of things. I am one of those rare types who needs to feel something for someone.

 

I also don't jump in bed just with anyone. I have to be interested in person to be able to have sex and enjoy it.

 

Also she said to me when we had sex 1st time "i have never had to meet someone this many times to have sex". Yes. That's right. I am not your average man.

 

I've had sex at 1st dates, even at 2nd dates. It depends about the person i meet. And about my feelings. I just had to get known to her better.

Edited January 1, 2016 by Protec

[Protec]

I guess i was the rebound-guy. And i was starting to think did i think of her as rebound too?

 

I guess i didn't. I really wanted to get to know her better, and we even did that one night. We both put some songs from youtube we liked and to our surprise we even had some same favourite songs. Like, Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence for example.

[Protec]

I was wondering, should i tell her how i felt? I was pretty much holding myself back, not telling my true feelings at her, because i did not want to show that i was excited.

 

I hate when women just basically disappear, you have no chance to say anything.

"It was nice, bye!" and that's it.

 

And i find myself missing her now. I was even wondering "what if my ex would walk in here now, would i still miss this other woman or just take my ex back?"

 

I think i would miss the other one instead of my ex. Crap. Need to focus somewhere else again. I may send this other woman piece of my mind, then i will let her be. I need to do it for myself. Just like i broke NC with my EX, it helped me. I feel this urge to say my last words to her. Maybe not today, maybe tomorrow...

 

I wonder if she misses me at all...

[Protec]

UPDATE:

 

She (the fling etc.) sent me a message via WhatsApp. I did not send her anything, i've been NC ever since she dumped me (2,5 days). And she deleted me from WhatsApp once, now she added me back and writes me?

 

What is going on?!! Although, i am seeing very familiar pattern here. My ex did the same thing. She dumps me, deletes me from whatsapp, adds me back..and so on.

 

I did not read the message yet. Too busy writing this message and soon i need to leave to visit my family. And i don't even want to reply her immeaditely.

 

Aaaaaand now she sent me another message while i was writing this...

Edited January 2, 2016 by Protec

[Itspointless]

I hate being harsh to people, but this feels like readng a soap. I also find nc a bit dramatic here. Why don 't you just tell her that you think you both are not ready for a relation.

[Blanco]

Less dating, more working on making yourself less naive. I don't think a worthwhile relationship is in the cards for your until you smarten yourself up and grow up a bit.

[wow123]

UPDATE:

 

What is going on?!! Although, i am seeing very familiar pattern here. My ex did the same thing. She dumps me, deletes me from whatsapp, adds me back..and so on.

..

 

So they dump you AND decide if you're ALLOWED to communicate with them? Take back some power man!

[organizedchaos]

Holy hell. All this drama and angst over a relationship that lasted less than a month? Both of you are unstable, both should be single for a very long time, and both get therapy.

[Protec]

Well. I am dating her now. We come along nicely. At least for now. And no, i don't need therapy.

[Itspointless]

What does that mean that you are dating her?

 

Why is it that you have an aversion to therapy? It seems like you experience that comment as some kind of sting towards you as a person.

[Blanco]

If nothing else, I hope you two are being more discreet about your relationship in front of her children this time around. Last thing young children needs is an adult in their life who is there one minute, gone the next, back again the next, gone again the next, etc.

 

Being around them is fine, but until you two are actually more established, it's inconsiderate of the children's well being for them to see you staying the night, making out or being affectionate with their mother in front of them, and so on. It doesn't matter if SHE thinks it's OK. If she does, well, she's wrong, and you'll need to be the lone voice of reason.