Hooked up with a good friend and feel like I've ruined our relationship.

[confusedidiot]

I'm a grad student who met this other grad student, say Lisa, last year and we have been really good friends. She works in my research lab and we're in pretty much the same classes. We got along really great and would always hang out together, go to the gym or to the bars. I really liked her and wanted to ask her out but then I found out that she had a long distance boyfriend. She said he was much older, about 38 years old, and they were together for a year at the time. It sucked to learn this but I really valued our friendship and that was much more important to me. She was really awesome and smart and easy to get along with so I didn't want to do anything to put our friendship at risk. I tried to suppress any thoughts I had about her.

 

I left for the summer and when I came back this semester I thought I got over her. I didn't feel like I had a crush on her anymore and I enjoyed this, being friends with her without having a crush. However this semester there were a couple of times when we went to a party together, she got really drunk and tried to make some advances on me. One time she even insisted that I sleep with her. However I was sober enough to know that this was not a good idea and I rejected her. I just brought her home, told her good night and left. I knew she had a boyfriend and I didn't want to hurt her by risking her relationship. She also usually apologized in the morning and I told her to stay safe. Everytime we went out, I looked out for her and tried to bring her home safe.

 

Fast forward to Thursday two weeks ago. I passed my qualifying exams and I went out with my lab and lisa to celebrate. We all got really drunk and when it was time to leave, I said I would walk Lisa home. I brought her home and asked if I could sleep on the couch for an hour or two to sober up before heading out. I had slept at her place a couple of times before and she said it was alright. Well at some point she jumped on me and started making out. One thing led to another and we both were having sex. I was really drunk so I only remember bits and pieces. I remember waking up naked in her bed though.

 

When I woke up, I felt really bad because I realized what happened. I tried to keep her safe every time we went out but I failed. I tried to apologize to her and so did she to me. She told me to not talk about it at all and I said OK but I was still feeling like a complete ****bag though.

 

Then on friday, I noticed that she didn't come into class or our lab. I went to go see her and she said she was just tired and didn't feel like going to class or the lab. I stayed at her place for a bit and tried apologizing more for being a piece of **** and drinking way to much. She said it was OK and not to speak about it. Well I tried hard but I was still feeling terrible. I really valued the friendship and really respected her but after this action I was extremely pissed at myself for jeopardizing it. I also felt really bad about her boyfriend for being an ass.

 

I apologized again and she said not to worry about it. We were still talking on facebook and I tried to be normal and I was trying my best to finish up a project due Monday while thinking about how much of a **** I am. However at one point on Saturday she messaged me of pictures of bruises/cuts on her arm and then immediately said to not look at them. She said they were from the past and she meant to send them to a friend who she was talking about.

 

This got me extremely worried so I dropped everything I was doing and rushed over to her place. I messaged her that I was comming and she said no, it's fine I shouldn't come. Well I came to her place and saw her, she was wearing a long sleeve shirt, and she was saying it was OK. I kept trying to ask her if she wanted to talk, I suck at trying to talk about this stuff, and if she was OK and she said yes, its fine, don't worry about it. I also asked if I could see her wrists and she said no, its fine, no. I was extremely worried and I wanted to talk to her.

 

I apologized but she told me to leave and give her some time alone. I care for her so I stopped after a couple times trying to pester her and told her to be safe before leaving. I drove home really worried.

 

I spent the weekend feeling like crap and just passing time until the next week began. Well this week, she came to the lab but I could see she was really depressed. When the other guys in the lab asked her what's up, she just said she was really tired. She also seemed to ignore me in the lab. Normally she would start up conversation with me about random things, but this time she only spoke when I talked to her and her responses were usually very short. I also tried talking to her on messenger but she would take a long time to reply to what I said or not reply at all. She again would normally message me everyday and we would talk about random things for a long time.

 

It was killing me to see her this way, I felt like I was getting stabbed when I saw her and I couldn't do anything about it. I felt really ****ty and couldn't concentrate on anything besides me being a complete ****. I would have felt so much better if I failed the quals and went home instead of going out and drinking too much.

 

Fast forward to this thursday, our lab decided to go out again and we all went together. I was feeling like **** but I still went. At some point, Lisa wanted to leave early so I said I would drive her home, I was sober and only drank one of the lightest beers at the bar. On the way home, I decided to try to talk to her again. I told her I was feeling like crap and I wanted to talk to her about it. She told me she was angry at what happened and that's why she was ignoring me. She said she never imagined that she would ever cheat and that she felt like she threw the two year relationship down the drain. She was very upset and I was angry at myself. I told her that I would contact her boyfriend and tell him that it was all my fault, but she said it wouldn't be right or fair because she was largely responsible for it. She also said she was angry and upset at me earlier because she thought I didn't care. I told her my point of view and how I really liked her before I found out that she was in a relationship and that I respect her. I asked her if there was anything that I could do for her but she said nothing so I dropped her off with heavy tears in her eyes and with me still feeling like ****, but happy in the sense that I opened up communication with her. Now I want to right the wrong that I inflicted on her but I don't know where to begin or how to proceed. I feel like **** for making her cheat and I wish there was something that I could do to correct it. I care for Lisa very deeply and I want to do whatever I can to see her happy again.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm sorry but - you need to stop apologising.

She is the author of her own misery.

She jumped you, remember?

It was her decision.

If she feels like crap about it, then it's self-inflicted.

Nobody held a gun to her head and made her do it. She could have stopped.

 

She initiated, so honestly, you really need to take a step back and let her take responsibility for her own reckless actions.

SHE cheated on HER boyfriend.

 

The fact that she cus and self-harms is a sign she desperately needs some kind of psychiatric therapy.

 

That's not on you.

 

And I don't believe for one single second that the photo of her arms was historic OR meant for someone else.

She was jabbing guilt at you, and playing on your emotions.

 

She knew what had happened was her fault, not yours.

You may have reciprocated, but her actions are on her.

 

you need to stop playing to her fiddle.

I'm sorry, but this sounds very manipulative on her part, and her guilt for her cheating on her BF belongs to her, not you.

[confusedidiot]

I've known her for a long time and I know that she is not manipulative. I've talked to her about the photo's last thursday and she was telling me she was talking to a friend at the same time and sent me those photos by accident. I don't know if it was truly by accident but I still felt really worried. She told me that she has self-harmed since she was 11. I asked if she wanted to go see a counselor on campus with me but she said she did not.

 

She was also a really good friend who I got along with really well before this happened. That's why it kills me to see her upset and depressed. Honestly, I think I feel terrible not because of what happened but because she's really sad and upset. Like I said though, I wouldn't care if I feel ****ty if she feels happy.

[nescafe1982]

First, congrats on passing your comps! I know that seems misplaced given the tenor of this thread, but that's a significant life hurdle and you should (once this blow over) be very proud. Second, having sex with your lab mate was a bad move but really, I agree with TaraMaiden that you can stop apologizing for yourself right now because Lisa is responsible for her infidelity to her BF.

 

It's good that you feel remorseful, because maybe that remorse will keep you from acting foolishly like this again. But don't take on more guilt over her relationship than you really own.

 

I understand why you feel like crap and want to help her, but you cannot rescue her from this situation nor should you try. The most compassionate thing you can do for her right now is give her space. Leave her be while she deals with this fall-out, and let her dictate when and how often you two interact.

 

In the meantime, try to stay out of any lab drama that might come up. These kinds of things can make or break an academic career, ESPECIALLY for a woman in the sciences. So stay discreet, let her deal with her end of things, and understand that while you cannot fix it for her, you can put your needs for a continued connection on hold so she can have the space she needs to figure out what to do next.

[TaraMaiden2]

I've known her for a long time and I know that she is not manipulative. I've talked to her about the photo's last thursday and she was telling me she was talking to a friend at the same time and sent me those photos by accident. I don't know if it was truly by accident but I still felt really worried. She told me that she has self-harmed since she was 11. I asked if she wanted to go see a counselor on campus with me but she said she did not.

 

She was also a really good friend who I got along with really well before this happened. That's why it kills me to see her upset and depressed. Honestly, I think I feel terrible not because of what happened but because she's really sad and upset. Like I said though, I wouldn't care if I feel ****ty if she feels happy.

 

I know - I am very well aware - that you know her far better than any of us do, or ever will.

But I will say this, from experience:

Those who are in clear need of psychiatric counselling (and if she cuts and self-harms, she definitely does) are very good, and sometimes shameless about manipulating the emotions of those closest to them, because they know those closest to them can be pushed further, due to the affection and compassion of those closest to them, making allowances for their behaviour.

 

In other words, there's a possibility that you do not see her behaviour as manipulative, precisely because you care for her as much as you do.

 

I'm not saying she is an addict, junkie or alcoholic, but those personality-types are extremely adept and expert at pushing buttons and deceiving those who love them, worst of all.

 

I have a member of our family who is bi-polar. She plays on this like nobody's business.

I am not close to her, not in any meaningful, amicable or familial way. So I can spot her behaviour a mile off.

I keep my own counsel and say nothing of her behaviour to anyone in the family, closer to her, because the couple of times I predicted an outcome to situations they were absolutely 100% certain she was not exploiting (and I was proved correct, she was) they were angry and resentful with me, whereas under analysis, they were angry with her, for betraying them, and angry with themselves, because they got fooled by her.

All this time, and they had actually been enabling her behaviour.

 

Please be careful about this happening with her.

Please don't fall into the trap of not believing she would ever do this to you.

She definitely would.

She may not do so consciously, or even deliberately.

But those who have a victim mind-set (self-harmers unfortunately have) are able to gain sympathy and support by emotional means, very very well....

 

You have nothing to blame yourself for.

And by piling on the sympathy, you too, enable her victim mode of thinking.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's all too often how it works.

[NoLeafClover]

Question...Why are you apologizing for interacting in a MUTUAL sexual activity.

 

DUDE YOU DID NOT CHEAT. Stop apologizing like you are at fault. This is something she has to deal with on her own because she cheated...and frankly, she sounds like a drama queen because any real woman, would talk and make things clear...but what she's doing is ridiculous.

 

She wants space, then after a few attempts from your end to talk to her..she makes it sound like it's all cool..but then gets all cold on you and ignores you with her messages...then my favorite of all..when you walk her she then tells you she is mad at you....WTF

 

Get a grip would you with this non sense ...what are you, the Emperor of everything that has to be right. Yes she is a friend, but your friend is using the fact she has a vagina (no disrespect to the women on here) to turn the tables around and shift her cheating on you. She is playing the drama queen role and you are by her side saying "Sorry" non stop. WOW.

 

BTW, this extensive 'apologizes' from your end via 'saved' messages could harm you. I know this is a long shot, but if freaky Lisa blows a fuse and makes a complaint about involuntary sex (RAPE) from you because she was drunk, she has enough proof of you apologizing that is easy to make you look like the bad guy. Like I said, It sounds like a long shot, but you need to be very very careful.

 

What's with the bruise pictures? I hope she is not trying to set something up against you. People that harm themselves have serious issues so don't be surprised. The fact she said she was trying to send them to someone else raises eyebrows. I hope 'Downtown' gets on here to give you further insite.

Edited November 16, 2015 by NoLeafClover

[Charlie Harper]

Sorry Ill be blunt:

 

If you like a woman and love her,GO FOR IT , don't get yourself on the friend zone...and then regret it.

IF A WOMAN HAS A relationship she will never led you or give you hints, or ahem. have sex or advances with you. If she does, go for it, you were drunk she wasn't so?

 

this Lisa has DRAMA QUEEN written all over.... RUN never look back. Someone who makes you feel miserable IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

 

Those are live advices, that apply to this experience.

 

Peace and move on...

[confusedidiot]

I think I explained the story wrong or left some stuff out. I apologized to her last week because I was drunk and told her that I wish I could return to that night and fix it. She was a really good friend and I was feeling like **** that I hurt her. We had a really great platonic relationship before this. Whenever I asked her for something, she would usually help me out, or vice versa and we would usually do things together like go running, hanging out, watching movies. Yes, I did have a huge crush on her last semester but I did not think about that and rather looked at it as just hanging out with a friend, like I would with my guy friends. Some of my friends would joke that she's my "girlfriend" because we spent a lot of time together but for me I just really enjoyed spending time with her as a friend because we got a long really well and both stressed out about similar issues like classes or research.

 

As for the drama queen, I don't see her that way. Thinking from her perspective, I can kind of understand why she's acting like that. I feel like she may see that I betrayed her. She didn't say that she's mad at me, she just said she was angry with what happened. I tried to act normal around her before having the conversation, and she said that she was upset because it seemed like I didn't care about her but I said no I cared a lot. I asked her if she wanted to not see me again and if she wanted me to take all the blame and she said no that would be very unfair to me because she was responsible for it too.

 

As for the self harm, I knew that she used to do it in the past but I didn't know that she still does it. I felt really bad about it and I wanted to help her with it. I don't know anything about self-harm but I asked her that same night if she wanted to go see a counseler with me, she said no she is fine. It's difficult to ignore this and I wish I knew how to best approach this to get her the help she needs.

 

The main reason that I feel like **** is because I did enjoy hanging out with Lisa. I saw her pretty much every day and we would always talk or go running or do homework or something together. It was a really great relationship, I never felt miserable around her at all. It was just that one night that ruined it all and now I feel like I lost my best friend at school.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks for the clarification.

It changes absolutely nothing in my responses.

Read them again, and you will see it still all fits.

 

You have no apology to make, this was a choice made by both of you.

If she cuts, she needs help, and you're not it.

But the help she needs, she won't take, so it's out of your hands, you can't fix her.

 

You can never go back to being platonic, because you had sex.

Sex changes things, so now you're good friends who once had sex.

 

Get over it. It's fine, other mammals do it all the time, and honestly, we make such a big deal out of it....

 

We see F - U - C - K and believe it should read L - O - V - E.

 

It doesn't. a f**k is just a f**K.

 

It's what we insist on adding to the mix that makes it either the perfect pecan and pumpkin pie, or the custard tart in the face.

[No Limit]

Dude, what's wrong with you?

She chased you, she jumped you, she initiated the whole time and now she's feeling guilty. You remind her of that so she tries to avoid you.

 

Quit apologizing, you held off much longer than most would. Frankly most would have played her into FWBs already and use her for sex for a while. She hasn't been a good friend from the start, and now she's a little pissed off 'cause you aren't "on the hook" to feed her ego as she expected.

[confusedidiot]

Well our relationship has been slightly improving and she asked for a ride to a couple of places, which i stupidly obliged. I talked to her again today and I can say I feel like a complete idiot for feeling the way I did. As I said, I really liked Lisa but I respected that she had a boyfriend so I felt terrible when I affected that. Today she said she was going to break up with the guy, and at first I felt bittersweet. I said I was sorry and that I would take all the blame if need be but she said it was not because of me. She met another guy in France last winter who she was talking with and who she wants to be with. I'm not going to lie, hearing that felt like being stabbed much more so than for what I did. But at the same time I felt like that was it, I personally don't want anything to do with her. I feel angry for being upset with my self and for caring about her. I don't care at all at this point and wish I never met her in the first place. I'm not going to sacrifice myself and my time for her anymore. If she asks for anything anymore I'll decline and worry about my own business. This probably sounds really douchy, and I'm writing it a few hours after I talked to her but I just don't care. I just want to forget and move on.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well our relationship has been slightly improving and she asked for a ride to a couple of places, which i stupidly obliged. I talked to her again today and I can say I feel like a complete idiot for feeling the way I did. As I said, I really liked Lisa but I respected that she had a boyfriend so I felt terrible when I affected that. Today she said she was going to break up with the guy, and at first I felt bittersweet. I said I was sorry and that I would take all the blame if need be but she said it was not because of me. She met another guy in France last winter who she was talking with and who she wants to be with. I'm not going to lie, hearing that felt like being stabbed much more so than for what I did. But at the same time I felt like that was it, I personally don't want anything to do with her. I feel angry for being upset with my self and for caring about her. I don't care at all at this point and wish I never met her in the first place. I'm not going to sacrifice myself and my time for her anymore. If she asks for anything anymore I'll decline and worry about my own business. This probably sounds really douchy, and I'm writing it a few hours after I talked to her but I just don't care. I just want to forget and move on.

 

Manipulative much? Sadly, (And I say this with no joy whatsoever) she has shown you exactly how manipulative she is. She used you and has demonstrated her own dysfunctional ways of dealing with 'stuff' but has drawn you in and played with your feelings and on your affection for her.

I'm sorry it took this path.

 

Be well. Move on and yes, disconnect and go No Contact.

 

"Ghost" her......

[confusedidiot]

Yes, I wish I could go back and have realized this sooner. I actually spent the whole day thinking about this and I may be overthinking this, but based on some past events it seems to support my hypothesis. Earlier in the semester, whenever we were hanging out or going running or something sometimes she would tell me that she has to go home for a skype chat. When I asked who it was, she would tell me just a friend who was annoying her by asking to skype with her a lot. Also sometimes after going out drinking, she would also try to hit on me but I would be sober enough to think rationally and reject her. The time that I described in my first post, I was not. I was celebrating my results and agreed to take some shots with her because I was in a good mood. I think she wanted this to happen so she could use me as the reason why she has to split up with her boyfriend and then go with the other guy. Like I said, I may be overthinking this but the story seems to match prior events.

 

As I said, I was really angry yesterday when I wrote my post and personally I feel like my anger was justified. However at the same time I still feel a little sorry for her, and extremely sorry for her boyfriend who probably hates me with all his guts. The best course of action that I guess that everyone suggested for my sanity and for the rest is to just move on and stop thinking about her. It's going to be hard because I work in the same research group as hers and my computer is right next to hers. But I will just try to ignore her politely and decline anytime she asks for help or for a ride to the lab and back. I don't want to be a douche but I also won't be used anymore.