ddlovexx Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) Hey guys, So I got out of a pretty ****ty relationship that was over before it was even over. He had a lot of crap going on and we loved each other very much but it just got toxic and ended and I knew I was better off without his BS. Soon after the breakup, this new wonderful guy fell into my lap. He's a little older, has been through a divorce, and is literally the sweetest thing I've ever seen. He takes any chance he can to do something nice for me, is constantly complimenting me and makes me feel incredibly special. It's been a few weeks but he adores me and I can completely be myself around him. I'm definitely falling and we have so much fun together and he asked me to be his gf so I said yes. He's so proud to be my guy... Sometimes I feel like I have to pinch myself! In this midst of all this, my ex had his wake up call and I believe he actually changed for the better. Unfortunately, his sister got raped. He beat the piss out of the guy and actually spent a night in jail for it. He reached out to me and we met and he basically just sobbed like a baby and apologized for every wrong thing he ever did. He said he can't believe that he ever treated me badly (I'd been raped when I was younger too and he knew this) and that he hates himself for it and that I deserve the world, etc. He quit drinking. He found a better job. He started working out. He basically told me everything you could ever possibly want a guy to tell you (especially an ex). Now this being said, I don't want to be with him but I DO want to be his friend. My romantic feelings kind of got clipped after the way it ended so I don't feel any desire to DATE him. He says he loves me and would give me the world if I took him back, but he knows that I'm dating someone and says that he just wants me to be happy so it's okay and he understands. He just wants to be friends. I know it's rare but I honestly think he changed. The tone of his voice was different, his demeanor and attitude towards life and me became warmer. He was an alcoholic and just quit cold turkey. I told the new guy I wanted to be friends with my ex and he basically told me I could do whatever I like but he doesn't agree or like it and thinks it's a terrible idea after all he put me through, and he said basically to choose him or the ex. That he's been through this and it's drama and he doesn't wanna deal with it. My ex has done some bad things so he also thinks he's not a good guy but I do know my ex is a good guy and was just in a bad spot for a while. Of course I chose the new guy because I think there's great potential in this relationship and he's wonderful and I know it's time to give something new a chance, but I'm pretty torn up about not being friends with my ex. I think he could really use a friend right now and after spending a year of my life with him and his daughter and family, I care about him a great deal. I told him I couldn't talk to him anymore and he was extremely upset, felt crushed after just getting me back into his life again, even if just as a friend. I tried to explain that nobody ever really wants their BF/gf to be friends with their ex but he says this new guy is just trying to control me. I don't get that vibe at all. I understand where new guy is coming from but I also think that we could be great friends and I very much would enjoy having him in my life, though I don't want to be with him at all or anything. I also do believe that if someone is meant to be in your life, they will be... Even if it's 5 years down the road. I do and will miss my ex but I believe that's normal. guess I have no choice other than to give new things a shot. The new guy is wonderful, I guess I'm just having trouble coping with what feels like the loss of a friend. Edited November 15, 2015 by ddlovexx Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Your ex is not "just a friend ", even if you don't want him back. He has made it clear he wants you back as more than a friend. He's also undermining your new boyfriend by saying things like he's being controlling. Not wanting the person you are with to strike up a "friendship" with their most recent ex is entirely reasonable. From the way you've described your boyfriend he sounds like he's done everything he can to show you how much he values you and the relationship. It's great that your ex is getting himself back together. My advice,if you are being honest with yourself and you don't want him back, is to wish him well and let him go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 I agree with a lot of what you said, but ex knows he has no shot and has made it clear that though he wishes he could have a re-do, he's more than content just having me in his life non-romantically. I know it's for the best I guess it's just gonna take some time Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) @ddlovexx your title is kind of misleading... Anyway, setting that aside, I have read your post in its entirety, and I think your being friends with your ex is a very bad idea. The one thing that stands out to me is how badly you want to be his friend. It actually sounds like you need to be his friend. And it sounds like you’ve convinced yourself that if you can’t be his friend, he will self-destruct. With that degree of emotional investment on your part, there’s no way the two of you can have a simple friendship. And that's before we even take into consideration his intentions and his emotions. Guess what? Your ex can live and thrive without you. If he truly has changed, he was able to do that without you cheering him on and telling him which direction to take. If he was able to come to his senses about his numerous mistakes and bad choices, I’m pretty sure he has what it takes to make and keep another friend or two. I’m with your guy. I think it’s a bad idea to rush into friendship with your ex. Changed or not, it’s easy for people to fall back into bad relationship patterns with people with whom they have a tumultuous history. (Imagine a guy who has quit alcohol insisting on going to hang out with his old drinking buddies a few weeks after quitting. That’s just tempting fate. He hasn’t yet settled into sober life and the associated routines and mindset. Even if his buddies don’t drink in his presence, it’s easy for the time they spend together to weaken his resistance to the craving.) That’s why I think that, for your ex’s sake, it’s a good idea for him to figure stuff out without you in the picture. It’s also best for you to keep him at arm’s length for your own sake: You’re in a new relationship. It seems to be a wonderful relationship but you’ve not settled into it. If you want your relationship to grow and develop to its full potential, you need to give it room to do just that. I don’t think you can do that while you’re trying to figure out how to make friendship with your ex work. (Let’s say he falls off the wagon or has some other kind of crisis, he’s going to want to lean on you, his friend. And because your ex’s problems will be more pressing (to you) than the emotional needs of your (presumably) emotionally healthy boyfriend, you will put your ex first. Your relationship really won’t stand a chance. You’re inviting drama into your life, and your boyfriend is wise enough to see that.) If you and your ex are meant to be friends, it's not a matter of life and death. You can pursue that friendship down the road, when you’re more settled in your relationship and he’s more settled in his sobriety and new life. And by “down the road,” I mean in 2 years or 5 years… For now, the supportive thing to do is to encourage him to make other friends, look into counseling, and search for information about a support group. And then let him live his life. Edited November 15, 2015 by Acacia98 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddlovexx Posted November 15, 2015 Author Share Posted November 15, 2015 Thanks guys. Nah I certainly don't need him and he doesn't need me... We want to be in each other's lives but I know it's best for me to move forward and pursue this good thing I have going. This new guy is more important otherwise I wouldn't have told my ex I couldn't talk to him anymore. I guess I'm just dealing with the loss but it's all good and normal. Thanks again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 I agree with a lot of what you said, but ex knows he has no shot and has made it clear that though he wishes he could have a re-do, he's more than content just having me in his life non-romantically. That doesn't actually mean anything. It's possible that he's just saying that but will do his damnedest to win you back. It's also possible that he believes he'll be content just being friends but will find it extremely difficult to do that. The world is full of people who lie about their intentions and emotions or who don't really understand themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Thanks guys. Nah I certainly don't need him and he doesn't need me... We want to be in each other's lives but I know it's best for me to move forward and pursue this good thing I have going. This new guy is more important otherwise I wouldn't have told my ex I couldn't talk to him anymore. I guess I'm just dealing with the loss but it's all good and normal. Thanks again. That's cool. It's healthy to acknowledge and mourn your loss. You're welcome, & I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
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