nom_de_plume Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 Do any of you feel like you're sabotaging a good marriage? If so, do you have any idea why you do this? I know I am and I've done it for nearly 10 years. I have depression, for which I'm being treated, but it seems to me every time my depression gets worse, I begin the process of sabotaging the relationship. I want him to leave me so that I'll truly have something to be upset about. He says he won't though and I feel bad for him because he's putting himself in a terrible situation. My mom's whole side suffers from depression. My grandmother had a bad marriage but they stayed together until my grandfather died. My parents' marriage is miserable and I think they stay together out of convenience. My brother is on his second marriage but won't leave his wife until the kids are older - which is at least 17 years away. I've told my husband what he's in for but he doesn't seem to mind. It doesn't make any sense. He's a wonderful husband but he either gets a sick pleasure seeing me struggle or he's totally oblivious. That's the only way I can rationalize it. Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted November 15, 2015 Share Posted November 15, 2015 (edited) You will never be able to love someone else if you cant love yourself. I agree that he is getting himself into a terrible situation, but we often make bad choices when it comes to the ones we love. Have you told him you dont love him? And yes, i often wonder if my negative thoughts are sabotaging our marriage. Edited November 15, 2015 by T-16bullseyeWompRat Link to post Share on other sites
Author nom_de_plume Posted November 16, 2015 Author Share Posted November 16, 2015 I do love him or as much as I know how to love. Depending on the day, I feel very lucky that he's my husband but other days I wonder what else I'm missing. A lot of this stems feel my childhood. Love came with physical and emotional abuse. I never knew what it was like to sit in a room with people you love and just be happy. A lot of this also has to do with getting married young and for all the wrong reasons. I was head over heels in love with him - the kind that young women (and maybe men) are prone it. It was completely irrational. And I think I was looking for him to save me, to basically steer the course of my life, as long as it took me away from the life I was leading at the time. Now I'm resentful for not having the opportunity to be on my own and to grow - even though these were my choices. It makes no sense. I want to blame him for something that he didn't do and I want him to be terrible to me so that then I can justify being miserable. Sounds crazy, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted November 16, 2015 Share Posted November 16, 2015 Not crazy, just someone who has no love for themself. I dont see why you think he is holding you back from personal growth. There isnt anything you can do single that you cant do married in that department. In fact it should be easier knowing you have support from a loved one who is always there while working on yourself. You need to get in to individual counseling to help work on you. Start seeing that you are worth fighting for. Obviously your husband thinks so. But you will do your worst to make sure nobody loves you because you dont love yourself. Which i still say you cant love your husband if this is the case. You cant love anyone if you dont love yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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