Did I over-react to my wife's secret e-mail?

[cndp]

The other day, I opened my wife's laptop to do some maintenance (I'm the techie in the family) and her e-mail was open. It caught my eye because my name was mentioned. I only read a few sentences, but it was a letter to her from a family friend talking about how they love each other and wondering what to do because they don't want to hurt me. It was clear that they had been sending steamy e-mails back and forth.

 

I was really torn up about this. A few days later, I decided to confront my wife and they guy about it. I wrote the guy a short note essentially just saying that I'd seen an e-mail and was disappointed in him.

 

When I spoke with my wife, she said that nothing physical had happened between them (I believed her). She was very upset at me for reading her e-mail, for writing to the guy, and for ruining her private online life. I came away from the discussion feeling like I was the biggest jerk in the world, and my wife is very mad at me now.

 

I admit that our sex life is lousy, largely because my wife doesn't feel comfortable getting intimate with me, so I'm a big part of the problem here. My questions are:

 

1) Was I out of line e-mailing the guy involved? My wife thinks this was as big a betrayal as her having the intimate e-mails.

 

2) Do you think this counts as cheating? To me, it sure feels like it.

 

3) What do you think of my wife's feeling that she no longer has any privacy? I've told her that I'll never touch her computer again, but that doesn't seem to help.

 

I really need help with this. I've ruined my wife's friendship with this guy, I have no idea what's going to happen with my marriage now, and I just generally feel like crap.

 

Thanks.

[johan]

1) Was I out of line e-mailing the guy involved? My wife thinks this was as big a betrayal as her having the intimate e-mails.

 

Assuming the way you described it happening is accurate, I'd say you weren't out of line. In fact I'd say it's your damn relationship, and you shouldn't roll over and be polite when someone is messing with it.

 

2) Do you think this counts as cheating? To me, it sure feels like it.

Yeah, I do. Who cares if they never touched? This isn't a situation in which splitting hairs is going to get you anywhere.

 

3) What do you think of my wife's feeling that she no longer has any privacy? I've told her that I'll never touch her computer again, but that doesn't seem to help.

Screw her privacy. I'd say if you were invading it all the time, then there's an issue. You seem extremely respectful in general, considering how much you're concerned about her hurt feelings in this case. Privacy is not absolutely guaranteed in a relationship, anyway. What if she slept with the guy? Is she going to tell you to keep your nose out of her business then?

 

Stand up for yourself and hold her to the commitments she made. Don't let her guilt you or reason her way around it. If she can't face the issues you two have, then turn her loose on the world and let some other poor guy deal with her crap.

[cndp]

For what it's worth (and just to make things clearer), here's the e-mail I sent the guy: "My wife, unfortunately, sometimes leaves e-mail up when she's away from her computer. I'm sure you can imagine what I found. I'm disappointed, but, I suppose, not too surprised. Though I complement your taste in women, I don't appreciate the secrecy. We'll see where this goes from here."

 

The "not too surprised" bit is there because they sometimes go out for coffee in the evenings, and I can tell my wife very much enjoys his company. It makes me very jealous, but my wife doesn't have much time for socializing, and I didn't want to let my feelings stand in the way.

[reservoirdog1]

1) No. What a crock of s*** from your wife. She's having an emotional affair with that guy, and possibly a physical one. People in honest, committed relationships don't have steamy email chats with others. She is doing exactly what cheaters do when they've been confronted with less-than-conclusive evidence: admit nothing, deny everything, make counter-accusations. My ex-wife did this too; I discovered a secret email account and links to philanderers.com. She made me feel like s***, telling me that she'd set it up to bait me because she was worried about ME cheating. It was NOT a betrayal of any kind -- you were protecting your turf from somebody trying to encroach on it. Do NOT back down -- that will give her a license to keep doing what she's doing.

 

2) Yes. See my previous answer.

 

3) Aww, bummer about her not having any privacy! Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Another thing cheaters do is deflect the attention from their own actions by getting upset about their lack of privacy. They change the subject and frantically flail around, hoping to avoid the real issue.

 

There's a serious problem here. You know it in your gut... something's rotten in Denmark. Do NOT be bought off by her blame-shifting and attempts to obscure the truth. That's what I did... I swallowed my ex-wife's lies, hook, line and sinker. If you don't feel up to confronting her right away, gather more evidence. Do a google search for a product called Spectre and install it on her computer, so you can monitor her surreptitiously. Check her phone records. If you have to, hire a PI. DO NOT let it go -- it WON'T get better on its own and it won't go away.

 

Somebody is destroying your marriage, and it ain't you. Don't let her tell you otherwise. And that guy is a cancer on your marriage. You don't bargain with a cancer -- you cut it out, without mercy. If he continues to contact your wife, give him a stern warning to stay the f*ck away. Is he married? Tell his wife. Now.

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by cndp

The other day, I opened my wife's laptop to do some maintenance (I'm the techie in the family) and her e-mail was open. It caught my eye because my name was mentioned. I only read a few sentences, but it was a letter to her from a family friend talking about how they love each other and wondering what to do because they don't want to hurt me. It was clear that they had been sending steamy e-mails back and forth.

 

I was really torn up about this. A few days later, I decided to confront my wife and they guy about it. I wrote the guy a short note essentially just saying that I'd seen an e-mail and was disappointed in him.

 

When I spoke with my wife, she said that nothing physical had happened between them (I believed her). She was very upset at me for reading her e-mail, for writing to the guy, and for ruining her private online life. I came away from the discussion feeling like I was the biggest jerk in the world, and my wife is very mad at me now.

 

I admit that our sex life is lousy, largely because my wife doesn't feel comfortable getting intimate with me, so I'm a big part of the problem here. My questions are:

 

1) Was I out of line e-mailing the guy involved? My wife thinks this was as big a betrayal as her having the intimate e-mails.

 

2) Do you think this counts as cheating? To me, it sure feels like it.

 

3) What do you think of my wife's feeling that she no longer has any privacy? I've told her that I'll never touch her computer again, but that doesn't seem to help.

 

I really need help with this. I've ruined my wife's friendship with this guy, I have no idea what's going to happen with my marriage now, and I just generally feel like crap.

 

Thanks.

 

Do yo have a right to be upset?Hell yes!!!

Is this cheating? Yes!!!

Your wife is just trying to put the blame on her because she is being defensive and she knows she did wrong so the easiest way is to pass the blame.

You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed for. You should have just talked to your wife and not sent the guy and e-mail but the fact is she was having at the least an emotional affair with him. They told each other they wer in love. I seriously doubt if this has not turned into a full fledged physical affair.

I think your only option is counseling. Get the two if you there and set up rules for her behavior in the future. No e-mailing this guy or any other guy on-line.

She will probably not want to go and if she is not willing to try to save the marriage then you really know the extent of the affair.

 

Good luck...

[whichwayisup]

1) Was I out of line e-mailing the guy involved? My wife thinks this was as big a betrayal as her having the intimate e-mails.

 

No. She got busted and that is why she is upset. Her fun is over now, he knows it and now she knows it.

 

2) Do you think this counts as cheating? To me, it sure feels like it.

 

Yes. They are having an emotional affair.

 

3) What do you think of my wife's feeling that she no longer has any privacy? I've told her that I'll never touch her computer again, but that doesn't seem to help.

 

Install a keylogger. Tell her this guy is history and tell her it's time for Marriage Councilling because obviously something isn't right in the marriage, she's missing something from you and has gone looking for it elsewhere. That doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong, she just isn't communicating how unhappy she really is in general.

 

I really need help with this. I've ruined my wife's friendship with this guy, I have no idea what's going to happen with my marriage now, and I just generally feel like crap.

 

She ruined the "family" friendship with this guy by crossing the line with him. You blew her thing with him, that is why she's pissed at you. So what if you've ruined that friendship, he's poision right now to your marriage.

 

As I mentioned and I"m sure many more will say this too, get to councilling and work together.

 

She also needs to end this friendship with him. How long has it been going on? Has she told you that yet? You have every right to ask her these things. Don't let her turn the tables on you for this one - She's put the blame on you already.

[Craig]

What everyone else said.

 

About this privacy bullsh*t your wife is trying to pull on you...privacy is fine even in a marriage but secrets are not. What ever you do don't let her blame you for wrongs of her own doing.

[Devildog]

Wow, sounds just like when you find pot in your kid's room, and when you confront them, "How dare you go through my room!!!!" She's trying to make you feel guilty about finding evidence of her infidelity. Don't fall for it. She has ZERO room to be upset at you for seeing an email that discusses and proves her infidelity.

 

How could you not trust her enough to find evidence of her being untrustworthy!

[cndp]

Updating the situation...

 

1) My wife obviously doesn't believe that I stumbled upon her e-mail. She thinks I've been spying on her (not the case, by the way).

 

2) She says that she has only been having e-mail conversations of this type with the guy for a few weeks

 

3) She won't commit to not e-mailing him any more, and says she isn't sure how she feels because I won't give her time to sort things out

 

4) She doesn't want to consider divorce because of our son and our tight financial situation.

 

Regarding #1, I had no idea that my wife trusted me so little. Oddly enough, this makes me worry about how much I can trust her. She says that she hasn't contacted the guy yet about this, but after we first talked she spent a lot of time in the computer room with the door closed. Although several people suggested that I monitor her e-mail usage from this point forward, I'm not willing to do that. I just wouldn't feel right.

 

We spoke briefly about the possibility of marriage counseling, and she said that she might consider it but also hinted that maybe I'm the one who needs to go to a counseler.

 

My wife obviously isn't happy with me, and after 14 years of marriage, I don't know how much changing I can do, aside from perhaps going on a diet and trying to get handsome again.

 

Any suggestions on next steps?

[Devildog]

Originally posted by cndp

3) She won't commit to not e-mailing him any more, and says she isn't sure how she feels because I won't give her time to sort things out

 

4) She doesn't want to consider divorce because of our son and our tight financial situation.

 

WTF? Does she expect to have an open marriage or something? She doesn't want a divorce, but she insists on continuing to talk to the OM? It can't work like that. No way, not unless you get to go out and find a girlfriend too.

 

 

We spoke briefly about the possibility of marriage counseling, and she said that she might consider it but also hinted that maybe I'm the one who needs to go to a counseler.

 

Ah yes, the old "it's your fault I cheated" line. Maybe if you give her more, and she has to give less she would be happy. Try printing out the definition of "partnership" for her, because she obviously has no clue what it means and how it pertains to a marriage.

 

Any suggestions on next steps?

 

If she isn't willing to give up the other man or go to counselling, I suggest talking to a lawyer. Show her you are serious and that you have enough self-respect to not sit there and let her do this to you. Right now she sees you as a joke that will still be there for her while she plays this game. Don't be that way. Man up, protect your dignity. That is most likely your best chance to either fix the marriage or still come out of this with your dignity and self-respect.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by cndp

The other day, I opened my wife's laptop to do some maintenance (I'm the techie in the family) and her e-mail was open. It caught my eye because my name was mentioned. I only read a few sentences, but it was a letter to her from a family friend talking about how they love each other and wondering what to do because they don't want to hurt me. It was clear that they had been sending steamy e-mails back and forth.

 

I was really torn up about this. A few days later, I decided to confront my wife and they guy about it. I wrote the guy a short note essentially just saying that I'd seen an e-mail and was disappointed in him.

 

When I spoke with my wife, she said that nothing physical had happened between them (I believed her). She was very upset at me for reading her e-mail, for writing to the guy, and for ruining her private online life. I came away from the discussion feeling like I was the biggest jerk in the world, and my wife is very mad at me now.

 

I admit that our sex life is lousy, largely because my wife doesn't feel comfortable getting intimate with me, so I'm a big part of the problem here. My questions are:

 

1) Was I out of line e-mailing the guy involved? My wife thinks this was as big a betrayal as her having the intimate e-mails.

 

2) Do you think this counts as cheating? To me, it sure feels like it.

 

3) What do you think of my wife's feeling that she no longer has any privacy? I've told her that I'll never touch her computer again, but that doesn't seem to help.

 

I really need help with this. I've ruined my wife's friendship with this guy, I have no idea what's going to happen with my marriage now, and I just generally feel like crap.

 

Thanks.

 

Your wife is cheating on you (perhaps not physically but emotionally) and on top of that she see's nothing wrong with it and blames you!

 

I know you love her but you can't ignore this, you were in no way shape or form out of line. She's trying to shift the blame to you, cheaters often do this. You need to issue her a ultimatum, and I would strongly suggest couples counseling. If she is unwilling to take responsibility and cut this guy and whomever else she is acting inappropriate with off, then you should consider filing for divorce. Whether she would consider it or not doesn't matter. Its not her decision to make. She's the one who cheated and she's trying to make you feel guilty. How dare her blame you for ruining her online life. She's ruining your marriage. How dare her suggest you're the one who needs the counseling. Your wife is either totally clueless or doesn't love you. Listen to what you're saying, read it carefully and consider this......

 

If someone you knew told you their spouse was acting this way what would you suggest? What if the spouse of your best friend, sibling or child was treating them this way? Don't let that ungrateful woman do this to you. She is in the wrong, she screwed up. You and your kids deserve better than this.

 

You have every right to snoop now, she is cheating on you. I know you don't feel comfortable with it but you should put a key logger on her pc. Either that or disconnect the internet.

 

And it doesn't take a rocket science to figure out that there is a 99% chance that she has been doing this a lot longer than a few weeks.

 

Be strong, and don't let this ungrateful, lying woman do this to you.

 

Most likely you're heading for divorce. She has no remorse and doesn't seem to give a crap if you know or not and is pretty much telling you nothing will change and you may as well deal with it. I feel sorry for you, I know you love her but she sounds like a horrible wife.

[tokyo]

Originally posted by cndp

Updating the situation...

 

1) My wife obviously doesn't believe that I stumbled upon her e-mail. She thinks I've been spying on her (not the case, by the way).

She's shifting the blame from her to you. Don't buy this nonsense!

 

2) She says that she has only been having e-mail conversations of this type with the guy for a few weeks

Sure.

 

3) She won't commit to not e-mailing him any more, and says she isn't sure how she feels because I won't give her time to sort things out

Ugh. I'm sorry, but if I got caught cheating I would feel embarrassed, her reaction is to make you feel guilty. She walks all over you.

 

4) She doesn't want to consider divorce because of our son and our tight financial situation.

I'm sure she's a great mother.... I wonder what kind of role model she is for your son??

 

Regarding #1, I had no idea that my wife trusted me so little. Oddly enough, this makes me worry about how much I can trust her. She says that she hasn't contacted the guy yet about this, but after we first talked she spent a lot of time in the computer room with the door closed. Although several people suggested that I monitor her e-mail usage from this point forward, I'm not willing to do that. I just wouldn't feel right.

You're nice , a tad too nice maybe. I don't think she's appreciating the respect you have for her. I really don't understand how some nice guys end with this kind of women.

 

We spoke briefly about the possibility of marriage counseling, and she said that she might consider it but also hinted that maybe I'm the one who needs to go to a counseler.

She's again shifting the blame.

 

My wife obviously isn't happy with me, and after 14 years of marriage, I don't know how much changing I can do, aside from perhaps going on a diet and trying to get handsome again.

You seem to be a guy who tries hard to make her happy and to fulfill her wishes. If she had a trouble with your weight or if there was anything in this marriage that bugged her off, then I would assume that she very likely could have talked to you about it and you would have gladly tried to work things out. Then why did she not try to talk with you about the problems she had and instead looked for an affair? I have strong doubts that most of the mistakes are on your part and maybe you should take a good hard look at your wife and ask yourself if she's truly the person you think she is.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

If she isn't willing to give up the other man AND[/i] go to counselling, I suggest talking to a lawyer. Show her you are serious and that you have enough self-respect to not sit there and let her do this to you.

 

Tolerance for your wife's affair will NOT save your marriage. In my personal experience, it wasn't until AFTER I actually went to see an attorney that my husband truly understood that things had to change.

 

You'll feel alot of anxiety in standing up for yourself. Your marriage may in fact end. But you run that risk either way, because your wife has already emotionally left it.

 

What do you have anyway if your marriage can only be saved by tolerance of inappropriate behavior and passivity on your part....while she entertains her options?

.....it was a letter to her from a family friend talking about how they love each other and wondering what to do because they don't want to hurt me.

Is it good enough for you that she only stays in the marriage because she 'doesn't want to hurt you'? Are you really going to be able to look at her every day and NOT wonder if she'd rather be somewhere else?

 

You've had good advice all around on this thread. I think if I were in your position, I would start with what Devildog has told you. Demand NO CONTACT with OM, as well as marriage counseling. See an attorney if she refuses.

 

Reserviordog mentions EXPOSURE in his post. This is a useful tool. It's not as thrilling to be having a clandestine affair....when EVERYBODY knows about it. Part of the excitement is destroyed when the affair is brought to light. And if the OM is forced to deal with his own relationship....he has alot LESS time to interfere in yours. Consider the consequences very carefully, however, in exposing to extended family members.

 

You might stop by the library or bookstore and pick up a copy of Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. There are other resources as well that will describe emotional affairs.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It will take some time. You have every right to be stunned, angry, hurt - and feeling hopeless. Its a plus that she wants to remain married though: even if its for the security and for your child. That's a start. The problem is that she is in love with someone else. You and anyone else can call it 'fog' or 'illusion' or whatever they like, but in her mind she loves the guy, and it is what is in her mind that you will be battling with. Breaking it off with him will be no less painful than any other heartbreak - probably even more so, as she has shifted him into the 'love' position and you in the 'obligation' position. She will come back to you begrudgingly, out of a sense of duty and obligation because you are lumped in with 'family' and she will leave her heart/love with him. As painful as it is, you have to be able to see this from all angles - even the ones you don't like. Her angles include guilt, shame - because she knows she isn't supposed to feel this way, but she does. Her angle also includes anger - because you have come in between her and the man she loves - someone she feels offers an escape from a hopeless situation.

 

Her angles are:

this marriage is a trap.

I don't get to be with the man I love.

I have to live the rest of my life with someone I don't love anymore.

 

Looking at yourself and your marriage through the eyes of a wayward spouse can be one of the most painful, frustrating and emotionally naked and vulnerable things you could possibly do to yourself (I know!). Is her perception of the marriage how it really is? NO, but until you can see her perception of the situation (as painful as it is), you won't be able to begin to dissect the problems in her heart that led to this. It is not a matter of accepting her perceptions - NO one would expect you to do that. At this point it is a matter of trying to see them from her point of view.

 

It will take some time, patience and counseling to get back to the point where she remembers that her heart was with you once before and that she can choose to work on getting back to that point. It will require some changes on your part, too. An incident like this can change both partners - huge, irrevokable changes, that make the path "back to normal" impossible. Too much has changed and she allowed the love she had for you to die as she built a new love for someone else. You and your wife will have to accept that the love you had before this affair is gone, and it is time to rebuild a new love on the ruins of the old. Now is the time for honesty: brutal hard honesty.

 

She has things she needs to be able to share with you - things you don't want to hear, and that will be painful for you to listen to, and you have to reach a point where you are willing to show her that when you said "for better or for worse" in your vows: you are ready and willing to listen to her and hear what she has to say - because right now, she is at the 'worst' for you. You didn't marry part of her, or only accept the parts you liked - you need to show her that you are willing to work with even the parts of her you hate right now. She broke some of her vows - but now is the time to show her that you are strong enough not to break them yourself - show her that 'for better or for worse' is a promise you uphold, and you are willing to catch her when she takes the worst possible fall in a marriage.

 

Chances are, that is what will keep her from leaving - because I can pretty much put money down on the fact that her OM is only into if for the 'good parts' and would abandon her in a heartbeat in a time where you would not. Her guilt, shame and anger at being caught are keeping her from being honest with you. Tear those down, and she'll tell you how she really feels and you two can begin to get past this.

 

She needs to know though, that being willing to catch her does not mean you are a pushover. She will have to understand that she has a choice: work on the marriage or leave it. Working on it means that she will have to CHOOSE to put her OM behind her: 'no contact' with him, period. She will need to agree to go to marriage counseling to work toward a reconciliation.

[sylviaguardian]

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I think, from your original post that you are actually under-reacting, not over-reacting. Your wife and this man have said that they love each other and are e-mailing in secret and meeting up. This is not a friendship. I know it is difficult to take in because at this stage you don't want to believe it and hope it will all go away. We have all done the same thing.

 

Unfortunately, everything your wife is saying is just the same old, same old too. People in affairs claim that they are just friends, get angry at getting caught and ultimately try to keep it going while keeping things calm at home. This is usually achieved through convincing the spouse that nothing is going on, then continuing the affair in secret. I am sorry to say that on the basis of the e-mail, and the fact that they meet together, that it is very likely that there is a physical component to this.

 

Your wife is angry because she is like a small child about to have her toy taken away. If she lives a life of lies and secrecy, you are within your rights to snoop. After all, this is your life too.

 

Make it clear to your wife that you will not stay with her and tolerate her contacting her affair partner (because that's what he is).At the moment she is fighting hard to have her cake and eat it. Affairs keep their allure only when they are not dragged out into the light of day. When that happens, sometimes the affair partners come out of the fog and see it for what it is. By allowing her to stay and contact this man, you are colluding with the secrecy and allowing the 'sparkle' to go.

 

You must make your wife see that it will not continue: at some point she wil have to make her choice. When she is angry at you for invading her privacy, remain calm and remind her that this man is invading your marriage. Tell her that you have the right to make an informed choice about your future.

 

I'm sorry, but I had to laugh when your wife said that divorce is not an option because of money. She should have thought of this beforehand. If the OM is married, I would consider telling his wife. Affairs that are brought into the open can be seen for what they are.

 

By the way, I would continue to snoop ( I did, and it took months of snooping for me to get the full picture). Start by checking bank statements, credit card bills etc. Check your computer for other e-mails that he has sent and that she has deleted. Yor wife lost her right to privacy when she started lying to you.

 

Good luck. It's a long hard struggle but you will not get your wife back until the real story behind all of this come out.

 

Sylvia

[FolderWife]

I don't think that there is one single person in the whole wide world that would think that what you did was inappropriate in the least. You're wife is an adulterer...how DARE she try to put the blame on you

[scarlyjones]

Well, honey,...I gotta tell ya.............you really handled that ALOT better than I would have. But when I read the beginning of what you sent the guy, I immediately thought to myself "Hey,...You DONT OWE that guy an explanation of how you found out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You didnt have to explain that her laptop email was open and yada yada yada ..............this guy wants to bang your wife. You owe him nothing. If you WANT to cheat on a spouse, in my opinion, you already have. Just because you didnt have opportunity doesnt mean you didnt cheat. If you wanted to cheat on your wife,.....and you went to meet the OTHER woman at a hotel,...and she just didnt show up,...then you went home and told your wife about it....are you telling me she would come away from that conversation thinking you DIDNT cheat? You dont have a THING to apologize for sweetie. You are the victim here. How dare she even attempt to make you feel guilty for looking at her email when she was doing what she was doing. She stopped looking to you for emotional support and feelings and sought out another man to fulfill these needs. Disrespect. That make you look and feel like an utter fool. I think this is unforgivable. The only reason shes mad is because shes caught. Not because she ACTUALLY thinks you invaded her "online life". What a joke. Shes implying that its completely normal to have another different life online. Complete with another boyfriend or husband whom she talks to in a similar way she talks to you. And you invaded that life. Excuse my FRENCH,.......................how f**king laughable,..immature,....and stupid. You caught her. Thats why shes mad. You may be different,...but I couldnt continue with someone that did that to me. I wouldnt be able to ever trust them again,..regardless of how much time passes or how much they make it up to me. It will, from that day forward,....always be in the back of my mind when I saw them at the computer or when they came home late or whatever. In my view,..its over. Good luck, sweetheart..........you deserve better.

[whichwayisup]

Somebody said she's already left the marriage, emotionally anyway. That is true. This isn't the woman you know and love - Right now she's addicted to the feeling this man gives her and he can do no wrong in her eyes. She is NOT thinking clearly at all so therefore cannot see the whole picture. All she sees is her comfy online fantasy relationship possibly not continuing anymore...She's upset/mad and making YOU feel bad about it. THAT is not normal behaviour. She is accusing you of spying on her and doesn't trust you - Well, she's mirroring herself. Her reaction is ALL ABOUT HER and what is going through her mind, not about what she's doing to you, your son and the marriage. She just isn't thinking period.

 

Marriage councilling is the way to go, if she really doesn't want to go - Ask her to leave. You shouldn't be the one to leave the house and your child. Doesn't mean Divorce, but filing for a legal separation might scare her enough to know you mean business and she can't have her cake and eat it too.

[scarlyjones]

you may be right,....whichway..........I just dont think I could go on after this. I think Id HAVE to end the marriage. I think even if I wanted it to last, it would be forever tainted.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Please open your eyes. Do you think your wife would accept such a thing if the roles were reversed? You have given her all of the power to decide your future. She tells the guy she is in love with him and you allow her to go to coffee with him in the evenings because she enjoys his company so much?

If you wish to be made a fool of by your wife then continue to do nothing. You seem to be a nice guy but such a doormat. She has totally shifted all of the blame to you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Clearly she does not respect you or your marriage. It also seems you have very little respect for yourself. I wish you luck because you will need it.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by scarlyjones

you may be right,....whichway..........I just dont think I could go on after this. I think Id HAVE to end the marriage. I think even if I wanted it to last, it would be forever tainted.

 

Everybody deserves a second chance, especially when there are children involved. 14 years of marriage is alot. Mind you she didn't give her child, her husband and the marriage a second thought while she pursued this OM, but he has the choice to end it and move on, or stay, make her work through her issues and TOGETHER they fix what was missing from the marriage.

 

The first reaction is to leave, but once the intial reaction is over, the reality sets in. Making a quick decision to leave isn't always the right thing to do.

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by cndp

1) Was I out of line e-mailing the guy involved? My wife thinks this was as big a betrayal as her having the intimate e-mails.

 

Nope.

 

Originally posted by cndp

2) Do you think this counts as cheating? To me, it sure feels like it.

 

No question on the planet. Take heart that she didn't dishonor herself or you by getting physical though.

 

Originally posted by cndp

3) What do you think of my wife's feeling that she no longer has any privacy? I've told her that I'll never touch her computer again, but that doesn't seem to help.

 

It's not an invasion of privacy if it's your job to check the machine now and again. She's grasping at straws. Also strikes me as less credible that she did not get busy with the guy.

 

Originally posted by cndp

I really need help with this. I've ruined my wife's friendship with this guy...

 

Who cares about her friendship with the guy? She's playing email footsie with this dude. If she's sticking around, there is no question that this guy disappears, as if he never existed.

 

She has it all backwards.

 

As to what you do now, I don't know if this board can really help you decide whether to stay or go. Personally, for me, cheating or anything that looks too much like cheating results in instant promotion to the singles' pool. I do not believe that marriage is by itself enough of a reason to stay together. Kids are a different story.

[Craig]

cndp, the feedback you are getting is some of the best I've ever seen in a thread like this. Many, of the posters in this thread have been where you are and know from their own experience what they are talking about. I think their message is pretty consistent, please listen to what they are saying.

[Owl]

CNDP-

 

You need to put an end to this ASAP. Don't sit there and let her keep this going, because she will keep doing so as long as you let her. Trust me. I've been where you're at. Take a look at my story, and see if this provides you with any ideas on how to proceed.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

Good luck.

[reservoirdog1]

Regarding #1, I had no idea that my wife trusted me so little.

cndp, do you see what she's done here? She's already succeeded in making you think that YOU are the problem. Review the record: you innocently stumbled upon an email between your wife and her lover. Then you emailed the lover and told him in a fairly wimpy way that it wasn't appreciated. What, exactly, have you done to elicit a lack of trust from her? A hell of a lot less than what she's done to you.

 

Please don't buy into that shyt. She trusted you completely -- that's why she felt safe screwing around on you. You're safe, a nice guy, providing one half of her lifestyle. And she thinks (as, unfortunately, your actions and attitudes are demonstrating) that she has you under her thumb, that she calls the tune and you dance.

 

Let's also keep in mind that you only think their relationship hasn't gotten physical because you haven't found any evidence of it. I'll bet you dollars to donuts that it already has.

 

You need to put her to a choice: end all contact with OM, or leave the marriage. You don't have to give her time to end it, or time to think about it. She made a commitment to you, not to him.

 

I know that it's very easy for all of us to sit back from afar and tell you what you should do. Many of us have been in your situation, but that doesn't make it any easier to automatically do what we advise you to do. We've been where you are and are giving you the benefit of our experiences.

 

Right now, you're still in a state of shock and disbelief, though you may not realize it. I'm sure that you often experience thoughts of "I can't believe this is happening to me..." That state will disappear, probably in the next few weeks. You know what will probably replace it? Anger. Indignation. A feeling of "f***k you, nobody does this to me." Believe me, if you're having difficulty finding your balls now, that's when you will find them.

 

Hang in there... this is going to be a rough ride, one way or another.