Did I over-react to my wife's secret e-mail?

[jsthvnfun46]

To LucreziaBorgia:

 

I have been reading your posts on other threads and I find your opinion quite correct. I need to discuss my situation with you directly if possible. I'm new and for some reason could not send you a private message.

 

Please contact me as soon as possible. I need your opinion before the weekend.

 

Thanks...

 

jsthvnfun46

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by jsthvnfun46

To LucreziaBorgia:

 

I have been reading your posts on other threads and I find your opinion quite correct. I need to discuss my situation with you directly if possible. I'm new and for some reason could not send you a private message.

 

Please contact me as soon as possible. I need your opinion before the weekend.

 

Thanks...

 

jsthvnfun46

 

JS, you need to have a certain amount of posts to have PM enabled, so I suggest you post away on other threads to bring your post count up.

 

I'm not sure what the actual number is, but you could always use the contact us link at the bottom and ask LS mods.

 

Hope this helps abit, and I hope LB is able to help you through your situation. All the best.

[RecordProducer]

Oh, offense is the best defense! You have no reason to feel like crap, but she should. She has an emotional affair. It's not cheating but it does feel like it and your hurt feelings are justified.

I think married people should not have secrets between each other, especially not secret emails for exchanging steamy emails with family friends of the opposite sex. She may have secrets about her hair and not tell you about them, but not secret friendships with romantic connotations. She even dared to oppose!

If the situation were reverse, she would be mad like hell and demand all the passwords from you. What gives her the right to privacy to have secret emails and flirt with other guys? What's the point of having secrets kept from your husband if she is all innocent?

You have the right to know about all her "friends" even if she doesn't sleep with them. She can have secret emails with people but not ones that would hurt you and make you feel betrayed if you read them. She can talk to her mother or sister about you in an email and that may remain a secret, but not have emotional affairs.

Confront her and let her know that if she has romantic feelings for this guy she should tell you about it. If not, she should stop communicating with him.

You didn't lose any real friend. This "friend" has sexual feelings for your wife and didn't keep them for himself. How far is he from sleeping with her? Moreover, you should remove him from your life immediately. Your wife should do it too.

[onlyhuman]

Jeesh!!!???

Do cheaters all employ the same spin doctors?

Great advice from everyone,I still can't believe you sent a nice email to the other scumbag?

Trust the advice here! It has worked for a lot of us.(we've been there!!!)

 

BTW: as a side note.The pantload that was moving in on my wife was warned. As time went by I was civil as he was a neighbor.Well I guess , scince all scumbagmorallycorruptwads think the same he viewed this as weakness and oh big surprise, he tried again!I guess the moral of the story is some people never will change.

[cndp]

I thought I'd share an update on the situation with everyone, since you have all been very helpful.

 

1) The guy involved wrote me an e-mail yesterday. It had been several days since I wrote to him. I didn't read the e-mail -- just deleted it. I can't imagine that there's anything he could say at this point that I care about. My wife was a little upset that I didn't read the e-mail, because he probably put a lot of time and thought into it. That's true, but frankly I don't care a whole lot at this point about hurting his feelings, and I think the situation needs to be resolved by my wife and myself.

 

2) The guy also e-mailed my wife. She says he told her that he feels really bad about how things have turned out and does not want to have contact with my wife anymore. This also really upset my wife, because he was a close friend of hers (obviously), and because she feels like the guy and I are doing what we want to take care of the situation and not worrying about what she wants. At least from my perspective, this is not true. I care very deeply about my wife, and I think there was a cry for help buried in all of this. We need to work together toward a solution, but at the same time I'm trying to get everything in order in case we need to be apart.

 

3) My wife and I talked about counseling. She feels that she would just spend the whole time complaining and not get anything productive done. I've contacted my work's benefits department for a therapist referral and I'm going to go to counseling myself. I really hate talking about my problems with people, but I think this is a start, and discussing things on this board has helped me feel a little more comfortable expressing myself.

 

4) Although my wife won't say it, I know that my being overweight is a part of the problem here. I talked to a nutritionist and have started on a diet. I have the world's best reasons to stick to it, either to make my wife happier or to prepare myself for moving on if we can't work things out. I'd really rather work things out, though.

 

5) My wife and I have been talking a lot about what she did, and I've been speaking my mind and not holding things back that I think might make her upset (which I normally do). I think this is a good thing, even though it's very difficult. If we come out of this in one piece, we'll be stronger for it.

 

6) I'm still an emotional wreck. I've been a little snappish at work and have had to excuse myself to the restroom a few times because I was about to start crying for no reason. Normally I am not very emotionally demonstrative so this is hard for me to deal with. I'm also really tired all the time and have essentially zero appetite. I'm going to take some time off next week just to be on my own and work things out in my head. That and seeing the therapist should help, I think.

 

7) Probably the biggest thing of late is that my wife has made clear that she knows she betrayed my trust. At first, I felt that she thought it was no big deal and that my reading her e-mail and e-mailing her coconspirator were the real problems. She's still not happy that I sent the e-mail, but that issue has been pushed aside so that we can focus on the real problem. She says that she doesn't feel like she has privacy using e-mail any more, but that's something that she'll have to work on herself. I still have no interest in spying on her correspondence.

 

8) One last small thing. The guy involved made me a piece of art for Christmas last year that I really liked. It hung prominently in my office at work until a few days ago. It's now in a landfill somewhere. I really miss that piece of art, but there is no way that I could enjoy looking at it again. I think this is kind of symbolic of all the little ways that a situation like this can hurt, but that you might never think of ahead of time. No matter what happens from here, there are some things I'll never get back. That piece of art is one of them. The feeling of complete security in my marriage is another. And I can never again feel that I'm the only man my wife ever loved.

 

I deeply appreciate everyone's advice. You've given me real perspective on the situation and helped me work toward finding a solution instead of just sitting around feeling guilty.

[scarlyjones]

Just so you know,.................you sound like a real sweetheart,.............so remember,........you're not the one who has to do ALL the change, ya know. She has a big part in this too. You just sounded like you felt that you needed to completely retool your whole life and physical make-up to please her. Thats fine if you're doing AAAALLL this stuff for you,..but she needs to change too.

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are setting an example for her: a great one. As painful as it is, you are doing the one thing she refuses to do right now and that's dip into your internal strength to be able to make the changes that you feel you need to make for this to go forward instead of sitting stagnant. It will take time, but your strength may be enough for both of you for the time being. It isn't fair for you to have to take on this burden, but its a necessary thing in the present time.

 

Empathy is one of the most necessary and damned difficult things to have in a situation like this when you are the betrayed spouse. Listening in a time where she needs to be heard requires an iron will and a determination that will seem impossible to have at times, but your therapist will be able to help you keep focused on that strength in times where you reach for strength and can't find it. Your wife didn't have the strength, so she fell. She still does not have the strength to listen to what you need (which is why she refused counseling), but with time she will. Ironic that it is the drowning one that has to be the one to save you both right now. It sounds like you are on a good path for a new start though. With time, patience and some work perhaps she will be catching up with you on that path. She's back there behind you, so have faith that she is without having to constantly look back.

 

I hope she will realize that she needs to pull her weight eventually, because there's only so much you can take under the circumstances. Allow yourself to be angry, rage and scream and cry - get it all out, but keep it focused on the situation and not the people involved. You were betrayed, but that doesn't mean you have to die inside as a result of it - or take anyone down with you into that hole you are in right now.

 

They say you learn from your mistakes, not your successes - and I hope that the lessons that your wife has learned (and has yet to learn - its a long journey, after all) will help to build a stronger foundation for a new relationship between the two of you. Should things not end up working - you will be scarred, possibly for life - but scar tissue tends to be stronger and hopefully your strength will be enough to pull you through these times: for the better or for the worse.

[RecordProducer]

It seems that things are getting better. That's good. Now that you solved it you need to relax. It's not the end of the world and I am 100% sure that this friendship meant more to you (in the negative way) than it meant to your wife in the positive way.

She didn't really love him, it was probably more of an exhaust valve for the problems you've had in your marriage. It was most likely not even a crush. That's why she doesn't feel guilty, but blames you for disturbing her privacy only.

It's time for you to let it go and move on. It's good that the friend withdrew. Too bad you didn't read his email. It probably said that nothing interesting happened between the two of them. You can ask him to re-send it, but I think your friendship is over anyway (and it should be).

Your wife doesn't want to discuss your problems and that's okay for now. You both sound tired. Why don't you just spend some time together? Take a few days off and go to Florida or California or Mexico if you love the sun and ocean? Forget this guy and all that happened. It's not important anymore.

Good that you're on a diet. Nobody should let themselves be overweight. It's unattractive and unhealthy. All you need is will in order to lose weight. Don't forget that you're losing weight only when you're hungry!

[whichwayisup]

I'm happy that things seem to be improving - Meaning SHE is understanding YOU and what SHE did to you. Consquences of her actions. Acceptance and now taking the responsibility for it.

 

What irked me though is she feels going to MC is complaining about problems but it won't solve anything??? I read between the lines with that one, and to me - that screamed out - "I'm not willing to put in the effort by talking it out as it won't fix anything." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! That isn't true at all and she doesn't get it yet. YET. I say that because she is slowly realizing WTF she did and the damage it's done. Trust is broken and needs to be repaired - SHE has to see that, really focus on WHY she allowed another man into her heart.

 

Wish you all the best with losing the weight. Get yourself to the DR and get him to help with whatever information you need. What kinds of food to eat, how to cook it with better cooking oils etc. Cut down on white rice and pasta - Go multigrain or wholewheat pasta (Yeah it tastes abit yuk! but once you get used to it, it's good. My husband has gotten used to eating that finally.)

 

Keep posting too. I'm glad that you can open up here and feel comfy. That will definately help during marriage and individual councilling.

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by cndp

 

 

3) My wife and I talked about counseling. She feels that she would just spend the whole time complaining and not get anything productive done.

 

well, then there you go.

[Owl]

Well, it sounds awesome, but I'd like to make a suggestion based on my personal experience, as well as from what I've seen from any number of other friends who have been through a bad time like this.

 

Don't TRUST her yet. Don't believe that the emails and all the contact will just end because they said it would. The truth is, this kind of thing is like an addiction, and it's VERY likely that someone will slip up, and contact between the two of them will resume. You need to keep an eye open for that for a good while. And at the same time, you can let your wife know that her WILLINGNESS to let you see her emails, cell phone, etc... will all help you to rebuild that trust in her. It takes a long time of demonstrated trustworthiness on her part to allow you to begin to trust her after something like this.

 

So keep your eyes open, and be prepared to deal with things if contact resumes...because honestly, it probably will take a couple of tries to get it to stick.

[cndp]

Another update and a request for advice.

 

1) I've got an appointment with a counselor so we'll see how that goes. I really don't have close friends to talk with about things like this (I think I mentioned that before), and being able to discuss it with someone in person might really help.

 

2) My wife said that a big problem at the root of all this was her not feeling comfortable being intimate with me. I suggested that we start slow, just holding hands, cuddling. Do a little more every once in a while until she feels comfortable again. Unfortunately, she does not want to do this. She said she'd like to wait until she feels "safe" with me again. I keep getting resistance whenever I bring up anything we can do together to solve this problem, as opposed to things I can do on my own.

 

3) My wife said that the guy was going to stop e-mailing her, but it appears that they are still in contact. I don't know what they're saying and I'm not going to spy on her e-mail, but I really would like this resolved. My wife says that she still needs more time to decide what she wants before she'll commit to not talking to the guy at all.

 

4) She also wants some time away to think about what she wants to do. This might be a good idea, and since the guy in question is currently out of the country, I guess it's safe. Anyone see a problem with this?

 

5) The biggest problem, and the one that I could use some advice on, is that my wife still doesn't see that she's done anything wrong. Because nothing physical happened (she says), she seems to think there was no harm, no foul. She says that the sexually explicit e-mails were no big deal, and that if she had felt comfortable talking to me about things like that, she would have. So again we have a situation where she's saying I'm the problem, but I feel like she's in the wrong. And if she doesn't see anything wrong with doing this, what's to prevent her from doing it again? I asked her how she would feel if I were having an online affair, and she says that sometimes she wishes I would. I don't even know what that means. My wife also said that if anyone wonders why I'm upset, I can go ahead and tell them that I'm upset that she was having cybersex with a guy, so long as I don't say who it is (because he's a family friend). She really does seem to think that nobody will think it's a big deal.

 

6) I did finally break down and read the e-mail the guy sent me. It was exactly what you'd expect. He's so sorry, he betrayed my trust, they didn't do anything physical, etc. I take it with a grain of salt.

 

Any tips on where to go from here? I had hoped that after a few days I would be feeling a little more calm, but I'm still having major trust issues. I have trouble believing that there was no hand holding or kissing at any time. I doubt that my wife has told the guy she wants to break it off, or that she's sorry for anything other than being discovered.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by cndp

Another update and a request for advice.

 

1) I've got an appointment with a counselor so we'll see how that goes. I really don't have close friends to talk with about things like this (I think I mentioned that before), and being able to discuss it with someone in person might really help.

 

2) My wife said that a big problem at the root of all this was her not feeling comfortable being intimate with me. I suggested that we start slow, just holding hands, cuddling. Do a little more every once in a while until she feels comfortable again. Unfortunately, she does not want to do this. She said she'd like to wait until she feels "safe" with me again. I keep getting resistance whenever I bring up anything we can do together to solve this problem, as opposed to things I can do on my own.

 

3) My wife said that the guy was going to stop e-mailing her, but it appears that they are still in contact. I don't know what they're saying and I'm not going to spy on her e-mail, but I really would like this resolved. My wife says that she still needs more time to decide what she wants before she'll commit to not talking to the guy at all.

 

4) She also wants some time away to think about what she wants to do. This might be a good idea, and since the guy in question is currently out of the country, I guess it's safe. Anyone see a problem with this?

 

5) The biggest problem, and the one that I could use some advice on, is that my wife still doesn't see that she's done anything wrong. Because nothing physical happened (she says), she seems to think there was no harm, no foul. She says that the sexually explicit e-mails were no big deal, and that if she had felt comfortable talking to me about things like that, she would have. So again we have a situation where she's saying I'm the problem, but I feel like she's in the wrong. And if she doesn't see anything wrong with doing this, what's to prevent her from doing it again? I asked her how she would feel if I were having an online affair, and she says that sometimes she wishes I would. I don't even know what that means. My wife also said that if anyone wonders why I'm upset, I can go ahead and tell them that I'm upset that she was having cybersex with a guy, so long as I don't say who it is (because he's a family friend). She really does seem to think that nobody will think it's a big deal.

 

6) I did finally break down and read the e-mail the guy sent me. It was exactly what you'd expect. He's so sorry, he betrayed my trust, they didn't do anything physical, etc. I take it with a grain of salt.

 

Any tips on where to go from here? I had hoped that after a few days I would be feeling a little more calm, but I'm still having major trust issues. I have trouble believing that there was no hand holding or kissing at any time. I doubt that my wife has told the guy she wants to break it off, or that she's sorry for anything other than being discovered.

 

 

I don't believe that the affair never became physical. I'm sure they had sex on several occasions. She feels no remorse right now, her only regret is that you found out and ruined her relationship. She blames you for everything and accepts none of the blame. She is in denial and as long as she is in denial nothing can be repaired. She should be trying to comfort you in your despair not the other way around. I don't think you should support her decision to have some time alone. It won't do the relationship any good. Her running from the problems in the relationship and failing to communicate her unhappiness is what lead to the affair in the first place. She doesn't want to face reality.

 

Her wishing you had an affair is a way to absolve herself from the affair. She wishes you were as big a screw up as her. That would make easy for her. Also part of her may wish that you would have an affair find someone else and move on so she could be free to do whatever she wants.

 

Your wife is trying to dictate to you the rules. She's treating you like a child. Thats why she gave the rules about how you reveal the affair to others.

 

I would also take the email with a grain of salt.

 

Recap....

 

I don't believe the affair never became physical.

 

I don't believe she is over the guy.

 

I don't believe you should support her decision to have time apart. She could use this time to engage in more cyber or phone sex.

 

I don't believe she cares about your feelings at all right now. She only cares about herself.

 

I believe she would start the affair back up if the OM is willing. He could be willing, the email could be a lie. If he really felt guilty he would of never did it to begin with.

 

I think this relationship is doomed. She doesn't seem to feel there's anything wrong with her horrible, childish, slutty behavior. You need to issue her an Ultimatum, if she doesn't stay and work on the relationship and agree to counselling then you want her to move out. She has no respect for you right now. Its hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't respect you. To be honest I'm not even sure she loves you anymore. She seems to be in love with herself.

 

Ending this is probably for the best. I'm sorry, you seem like a nice guy, you deserve way better than this ungrateful person. Find yourself a real woman.

 

Good luck.....

[whichwayisup]

She has NO consquences of her actions - THAT is why she doesn't feel any guilt or feel bad for hurting you. Or she isn't expressing her regret to you - Only that she doesn't see the big deal. HELLO???? Marriage does NOT mean sending OP sex filled emails! She is attached to this man and is NOT thinking clearly. The feelings she has for him have clouded what she feels for you and because of this she is CONFUSED. This is NOT the woman you fell inlove with OK. She needs to find what she thinks is missing from the marriage or what you may not be giving her. Fix that, work together. IF she isn't willing to do that, TELL her to move out. Maybe then she will understand that her actions have consquences.

 

I asked her how she would feel if I were having an online affair, and she says that sometimes she wishes I would. I don't even know what that means. My wife also said that if anyone wonders why I'm upset, I can go ahead and tell them that I'm upset that she was having cybersex with a guy, so long as I don't say who it is (because he's a family friend). She really does seem to think that nobody will think it's a big deal.

 

See? That right there is PROOF she isn't thinking clearly. She's so into this OM that her judgement is clouded. She is telling you that if you did do the same as her, it wouldn't bother her???? Calling pure bullcrap on this one! AND that she thinks others won't think of it as a big deal??? HMMMMMM, sorry, she's got her head up her @ss on this one too...More proof that she's got herself fooled and isn't thinking properly.

 

All I can is hopefully soon she will open her eyes, SEE WTF she's done and make it up to you. This OM now knows and maybe, HOPEFULLY he will put an end to this because she won't be able to.

 

Together this can be fixed but as long as she isn't willing to let him go or admit her mistakes here, sorry to say this but nothing will change. Unless YOU take total control and MAKE her change her ways! NO contact with this OM, install a keylogger, show her what she is doing is SO wrong and now purposely, selfishly cruel!

 

Sorry to be harsh but you need to see the whole picture here and I know it's probably hard for you to be objective but you need to see this woman in a different light right now.

[westernxer]

Let's see if I understand this correctly...

 

She's trying to make you feel guilty for reading her e-mail (even though she left it open), yet she's been snooping around behind your back. Now she's saying it isn't a physical relationship, so no harm done on her part.

 

Hmmm...

 

(most wives have overweight husbands, but you don't see them looking for other fish)

[tokyo]

I suggest you go and talk with someone you know in real life, a family member, a friend, a counselor, etc. Tell them exactly what you told us in your post, how your wife behaves, what she says, what you are doing in order to save the marriage and how she contributes to your attempts to understand her. When you talk, try to keep a couple of meters distance, because I bet everybody who hears your story and sees your reaction to your wife's impertinence will grasp you by your shoulders and give you a really good shake! Wake up for heaven's sake! I can't believe that you're letting her play such stupid games with you!!!! You're too nice. You seem to be such a nice person with such a stupid wife, she really doesn't deserve you.

[takenocrap]

You seem like a really nice guy but you're far too nice and you need to develop a backbone and become assertive here. You are not doing yourself or your failing marriage any favors by being so passive and considerate - all you are doing is enabling your wife to continue playing around, continue betraying you, continue taking no responsibility for her bad behavior.

 

Do you want to be with someone who ONLY wants to remain married to you because you're in a "tight financial situation"? That's a rotten reason to forego divorce. In other words, she's clearly using you and if your financial situation were different, she'd be off with her lover in a heartbeat. Money (or the lack thereof) is really the only reason she's staying. Does that make you feel special and loved?

 

You are allowing her to have all the control here. She's continuing to communicate with him and she's not commiting to working on saving your marriage because she's "confused" and doesn't yet know what she wants. Boohoo. So she's sharing your home, your bed and your space .... but emotionally she's not even there. Why don't you kick her out? The longer she remains in your home, the harder it's going to be for you - to have to face her daily and be reminded of the situation. When you find out your spouse is cheating and betraying you, you surely shouldn't make things easier for them to carry on with their bad behavior.

 

I have no idea why you don't want to put a keylogger on her computer. You have to do some serious soul-searching here and figure out why you're not wanting to find out the "truth" and extent of this situation. Is it because you just don't want to be hurt further by what you might read? If so, I can understand that to a point - but in reality, you need to have a good understanding of the scope of her "affair" - not only so that you can make informed decisions about where you go from here, but to protect yourself (financially, emotionally, physically, etc).

 

You don't deserve how she's treating you. There are thousands of good women out there who would not have issues with your weight, who would love you just the way you are - who wouldn't make lame, unbelievable excuses for not wanting to exchange affection and intimacy with you. I suspect the reason she's making these excuses is because she is having a physical affair with this man - and ironic as it is, she would feel disloyal to him by being "close" with you.

 

You mentioned previously that she was known to meet him in the evenings for "coffee." Sorry, not buying that at all. If they've been exchanging sexual emails, she's this hung up on him - what on earth would have stopped them from having a physical affair? Nothing. It obviously wouldn't be morals or respect or integrity.

 

She has no interest at this time in getting help for the marriage - she's making excuses as to why her participating in it would be pointless. She owes you more than this. She owes you more than leaving you in "limbo" while she figures out what she wants. Don't give her that power to make that decision - YOU take the power and YOU make the decision.

 

Where do you see this going? She's already made it clear she doesn't want a divorce (for financial reasons - how big of her), she isn't interested in going for couples counselling, she isn't willing to break off contact with him.........add this all up - you are being played and used. Kick her out and see a lawyer to find out about at least getting a separation agreement - how to protect what assets she might have.

[dawn duval]

She also wants some time away to think about what she wants to do. This might be a good idea, and since the guy in question is currently out of the country, I guess it's safe. Anyone see a problem with this?

I would be skeptical of this. In my opinion, if the cheater gives in too easily then something's still going on. I can't believe she still doesn't get it -- there's no way they should be in contact now. How do you know for sure he's out of the country? And if so, how do you know she won't join him? Even if those check out, something doesn't smell right here.

 

She said she'd like to wait until she feels "safe" with me again.

The nerve of her!!! I wish Loveshack would come up with a "b-tchslap" smilie just for her, not endorsing spousal abuse, just metaphorically...

 

You deserve MUCH better than this!!!

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by cndp

Another update and a request for advice.

 

1) I've got an appointment with a counselor so we'll see how that goes. I really don't have close friends to talk with about things like this (I think I mentioned that before), and being able to discuss it with someone in person might really help.

 

2) My wife said that a big problem at the root of all this was her not feeling comfortable being intimate with me. I suggested that we start slow, just holding hands, cuddling. Do a little more every once in a while until she feels comfortable again. Unfortunately, she does not want to do this. She said she'd like to wait until she feels "safe" with me again. I keep getting resistance whenever I bring up anything we can do together to solve this problem, as opposed to things I can do on my own.

 

3) My wife said that the guy was going to stop e-mailing her, but it appears that they are still in contact. I don't know what they're saying and I'm not going to spy on her e-mail, but I really would like this resolved. My wife says that she still needs more time to decide what she wants before she'll commit to not talking to the guy at all.

 

4) She also wants some time away to think about what she wants to do. This might be a good idea, and since the guy in question is currently out of the country, I guess it's safe. Anyone see a problem with this?

 

5) The biggest problem, and the one that I could use some advice on, is that my wife still doesn't see that she's done anything wrong. Because nothing physical happened (she says), she seems to think there was no harm, no foul. She says that the sexually explicit e-mails were no big deal, and that if she had felt comfortable talking to me about things like that, she would have. So again we have a situation where she's saying I'm the problem, but I feel like she's in the wrong. And if she doesn't see anything wrong with doing this, what's to prevent her from doing it again? I asked her how she would feel if I were having an online affair, and she says that sometimes she wishes I would. I don't even know what that means. My wife also said that if anyone wonders why I'm upset, I can go ahead and tell them that I'm upset that she was having cybersex with a guy, so long as I don't say who it is (because he's a family friend). She really does seem to think that nobody will think it's a big deal.

 

6) I did finally break down and read the e-mail the guy sent me. It was exactly what you'd expect. He's so sorry, he betrayed my trust, they didn't do anything physical, etc. I take it with a grain of salt.

 

Any tips on where to go from here? I had hoped that after a few days I would be feeling a little more calm, but I'm still having major trust issues. I have trouble believing that there was no hand holding or kissing at any time. I doubt that my wife has told the guy she wants to break it off, or that she's sorry for anything other than being discovered.

 

Hi cndp,

 

I am sorry that you are caught up in all this. It must be totally confusing and painful for you. Good for you for going to the counsellor and thinking about losing some weight. But do it for yourself, not your wife. It is hard but you must find a way to get some inner dignity.

 

Affairs have a cycle from what I've seen. Both in terms of the WS and the BS. Often when an affair ends, things can't start to be repaired right away because there are negative feelings on both sides: the BS feels hurt and betrayed and wonders whether this is the person they married or not, the WS is in withdrawal from the affair and sometimes hates the BS for stopping the fun and can't accept the pain and anger the BS is throwing at them. It takes time for positive feelings to emerge.

 

You are jumping the gun a bit here, mainly because you have not even reached the stage of the affair being acknowledged. There is no doubt that your wife was, at the very least, having an emotional affair with this man. I am sorry to say it, but given that there IMs were sexually charged and they were meeting up, I would have doubts about counting this as a non-physical relationship. Until both you and your wife bring it out into the open, you can't even begin to work on the marriage. Don't forget that your wife has as good as got away with this. She will do this again if she does not see the consequences of her actions.

 

If your wife won't commit to the marriage by stopping talking to him, you cannot sit back passively and wait for her to make up her mind. It is only by breaking contact with this man that there will be any chance for your marriage. But first you need to get to the bottom of what really went on.

 

I wish you well,

Sylvia

[Erratic]

I am currently in a similar situation as cndp. My wife and I have been having problems for a few years, admittedly I share equally in the blame. However, in January my wife went on a trip with out me for a few days and met someone. I found out about it a week after she got back. When I confronted her she very adamantly denied anything had happened. I had no reason to doubt her since she openly told me about everything they did after I found out. She continued to talk to the guy over the phone and by email on a daily basis. Most of which was via cell phone and work email and I rarely new about it. After receiving the phone bill a few weeks later and finding out how much they were actually talking I confronted her again. This time it turned into an argument which ended with braking both my hands punching a wall. *yes I'm an idiot for this* In case your wondering I have never physically abused my wife or any one else for that matter with the exception of maybe myself. I may have a hard time controlling my anger but it is rare that it comes to such an act of violence as this. Besides 10 minutes before breaking my hands I found out my wife was probably having an affair. While sitting in the emergency room with a friend that drove me I realized I had a serious issue with anger management that needed to be addressed. Over the next 12 weeks I was in and out of doctors offices and therapy (physical and mental). My wife was staying at a friends house and I was doing everything I could to work out the problems I have and our relationship has.

 

During the past 6 months we have experienced an emotional roller-coaster that has left both of us feeling alone and miserable. She continued to talk to this guy and I continued to beg her to stop. She refused to go to marriage counseling with me and admitted to not giving me a fair chance to prove to her that I wanted our marriage to work and that I could change. Recently I had decided that I was ready to give up, there is only so much you can take of your wife rejecting you physically and emotionally. Her feelings for the OM turned to love and were mutual, I know this because she told me.

 

Now that I have told her I want a divorce she is ready to go to marriage counseling and ready to come home. She is willing to stop talking to him but has not at this point. The problem with this is that I am ready to move on, I have not found someone else but would rather be alone and happy then married and miserable. She feels that I should give her a second chance when in fact I begged everyday for 4 months for her to stop talking to him and give us a try. Is it unfair of me to not give her a chance? I am still willing to go to marriage counseling but it is simply to see if anything is still salvageable in our relationship, which I do not feel there is.

 

Shortly after my decision to get divorced I was cleaning and discovered a journal in which she wrote about her feelings for this guy and how most of the crying was because she could not be with him and not about how our relationship was ending. There was a lot of things in this journal that I was unaware of, and now I am convinced that she had sex with him in January on her trip and she met him at some point after the trip and I can only speculate that they had sex again. The journal does not explicitly state they had sex but makes many references that IMO can only mean sex. For example she stated that she felt she was nothing more then another notch in his belt, that he should not have been thinking with his penis the night they met, and that she regrets giving him what he wanted. To my surprise this did not make me terribly mad or upset, in fact it made me feel as if my decision was the right thing to do.

 

I guess to try and wrap this up I am curious as to what other people's opinions are. I would be happy talk to people more about this and I in no way am looking for someone else to make my decision. I am concerned that if I give her another chance that I will never be able to forgive her for this and that she will get fed up and want to leave before I feel that I could ever trust her again. I struggle with trust issues and find it hard to let go of things and fear that I may make her unhappy again later in life and that she will do something similar again.

 

Thank you for listening and any advice you may be able to provide.

[Bronzepen]

Originally posted by cndp

Another update and a request for advice.

 

1) I've got an appointment with a counselor so we'll see how that goes. I really don't have close friends to talk with about things like this (I think I mentioned that before), and being able to discuss it with someone in person might really help.

 

2) My wife said that a big problem at the root of all this was her not feeling comfortable being intimate with me. I suggested that we start slow, just holding hands, cuddling. Do a little more every once in a while until she feels comfortable again. Unfortunately, she does not want to do this. She said she'd like to wait until she feels "safe" with me again. I keep getting resistance whenever I bring up anything we can do together to solve this problem, as opposed to things I can do on my own.

 

3) My wife said that the guy was going to stop e-mailing her, but it appears that they are still in contact. I don't know what they're saying and I'm not going to spy on her e-mail, but I really would like this resolved. My wife says that she still needs more time to decide what she wants before she'll commit to not talking to the guy at all.

 

4) She also wants some time away to think about what she wants to do. This might be a good idea, and since the guy in question is currently out of the country, I guess it's safe. Anyone see a problem with this?

 

5) The biggest problem, and the one that I could use some advice on, is that my wife still doesn't see that she's done anything wrong. Because nothing physical happened (she says), she seems to think there was no harm, no foul. She says that the sexually explicit e-mails were no big deal, and that if she had felt comfortable talking to me about things like that, she would have. So again we have a situation where she's saying I'm the problem, but I feel like she's in the wrong. And if she doesn't see anything wrong with doing this, what's to prevent her from doing it again? I asked her how she would feel if I were having an online affair, and she says that sometimes she wishes I would. I don't even know what that means. My wife also said that if anyone wonders why I'm upset, I can go ahead and tell them that I'm upset that she was having cybersex with a guy, so long as I don't say who it is (because he's a family friend). She really does seem to think that nobody will think it's a big deal.

 

6) I did finally break down and read the e-mail the guy sent me. It was exactly what you'd expect. He's so sorry, he betrayed my trust, they didn't do anything physical, etc. I take it with a grain of salt.

 

Any tips on where to go from here? I had hoped that after a few days I would be feeling a little more calm, but I'm still having major trust issues. I have trouble believing that there was no hand holding or kissing at any time. I doubt that my wife has told the guy she wants to break it off, or that she's sorry for anything other than being discovered.

 

 

 

cndp, What your wife did, it's known as a Emotional Affair.

 

In her state of mind, because she didn't touch, then she did nothing wrong.

 

Look up Emotional Affairs. When compared to physical affairs they are worse.

 

She has an emotional bond with this OM. This goes much deeper then just physical.

 

 

Also, if she see's nothing wrong with what she did then why does she want you to be cautious about who you tell??? hmmm? Family friend, indeed.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by Erratic

I am currently in a similar situation as cndp. My wife and I have been having problems for a few years, admittedly I share equally in the blame. However, in January my wife went on a trip with out me for a few days and met someone. I found out about it a week after she got back. When I confronted her she very adamantly denied anything had happened. I had no reason to doubt her since she openly told me about everything they did after I found out. She continued to talk to the guy over the phone and by email on a daily basis. Most of which was via cell phone and work email and I rarely new about it. After receiving the phone bill a few weeks later and finding out how much they were actually talking I confronted her again. This time it turned into an argument which ended with braking both my hands punching a wall. *yes I'm an idiot for this* In case your wondering I have never physically abused my wife or any one else for that matter with the exception of maybe myself. I may have a hard time controlling my anger but it is rare that it comes to such an act of violence as this. Besides 10 minutes before breaking my hands I found out my wife was probably having an affair. While sitting in the emergency room with a friend that drove me I realized I had a serious issue with anger management that needed to be addressed. Over the next 12 weeks I was in and out of doctors offices and therapy (physical and mental). My wife was staying at a friends house and I was doing everything I could to work out the problems I have and our relationship has.

 

During the past 6 months we have experienced an emotional roller-coaster that has left both of us feeling alone and miserable. She continued to talk to this guy and I continued to beg her to stop. She refused to go to marriage counseling with me and admitted to not giving me a fair chance to prove to her that I wanted our marriage to work and that I could change. Recently I had decided that I was ready to give up, there is only so much you can take of your wife rejecting you physically and emotionally. Her feelings for the OM turned to love and were mutual, I know this because she told me.

 

Now that I have told her I want a divorce she is ready to go to marriage counseling and ready to come home. She is willing to stop talking to him but has not at this point. The problem with this is that I am ready to move on, I have not found someone else but would rather be alone and happy then married and miserable. She feels that I should give her a second chance when in fact I begged everyday for 4 months for her to stop talking to him and give us a try. Is it unfair of me to not give her a chance? I am still willing to go to marriage counseling but it is simply to see if anything is still salvageable in our relationship, which I do not feel there is.

 

Shortly after my decision to get divorced I was cleaning and discovered a journal in which she wrote about her feelings for this guy and how most of the crying was because she could not be with him and not about how our relationship was ending. There was a lot of things in this journal that I was unaware of, and now I am convinced that she had sex with him in January on her trip and she met him at some point after the trip and I can only speculate that they had sex again. The journal does not explicitly state they had sex but makes many references that IMO can only mean sex. For example she stated that she felt she was nothing more then another notch in his belt, that he should not have been thinking with his penis the night they met, and that she regrets giving him what he wanted. To my surprise this did not make me terribly mad or upset, in fact it made me feel as if my decision was the right thing to do.

 

I guess to try and wrap this up I am curious as to what other people's opinions are. I would be happy talk to people more about this and I in no way am looking for someone else to make my decision. I am concerned that if I give her another chance that I will never be able to forgive her for this and that she will get fed up and want to leave before I feel that I could ever trust her again. I struggle with trust issues and find it hard to let go of things and fear that I may make her unhappy again later in life and that she will do something similar again.

 

Thank you for listening and any advice you may be able to provide.

 

 

I don't think she deserves another chance, and you don't deserve the pain giving it to her will cause. She has expressed no remorse and is in denial. She is making it all about you. For counselling to work she has to be upfront and honest, she has to have no contact with the guy ever again (no email, no instant messaging, nothing), she has to accept your anger and sadness, she has to accept responsibility for causing this. She hasn't done any of that. In many ways it sounds like she is settling for you. You are her second choice. Hell she didn't even wanna go to couselling until you were threatening divorce. She only wants to work on it now because she doesn't want to lose you and him. If she had her way she'd have both of you.

 

I say file for divorce, kick her to the curb, find a loving beautiful woman who can appreciate you, and let her suffer the pain she deserves. I applaud you for working on your anger issues and trying to fix you. This will aid you a great deal in your next relationship. That also shows why it can't work between you two, she blames you for everything and accepts no responsibility, you accept responsibility and fix the things that need to be fixed. She caused most of this and you're the only one willing to fix any of it. I say the best thing that could happen to you is having this horrible woman out of your life.

[whichwayisup]

Erratic, you may want to copy and paste your post and start a fresh thread for yourself. You will be more replies that you deserve to get if you start your own. I'll wait till then to put down my reply...

[Erratic]

Started a new post, thank you for the advice. cndp, good luck and I hope you find happiness.