When to Cut Off an Inconsiderate Friend?

[mrs rubble]

Kaypee's friend should have informed her of her plans. Calling her a "wimp" is judgemental and inappropriate.

 

I have to agree.

[Tailor2000]

Fact is none of us know what her or her friends expectations were.

This is where the conflict lies, lack of understanding and consideration of each other's expectations of the getaway.

Because of my harsh response, you can see an example of how the other side of the conflict may be coming from.

If kaypee wants to repair the friendship she now knows to explain and assert her feelings and understand that maybe her friend hadn't appreciated these things she'd mentioned.

 

(I've been involved in role playing in a conflict resolution workshop, through work. I'm not really judgemental or "passive aggressive" lol!)

So I'm just trying to make sure kaypee has all the tools to fix this if she wants.

 

Well I was referring to the friend who invited kaypee as being passive aggressive in inviting her and then dumping chores on her at the last minute.

 

I've had friends like that - not so much in chores, but there's no mutual agreement about where to go or what to do, we just follow the "leader" around who gets grumpy and angry when one of us decides actually, we want to do something else, we don't want to follow you around all night, how about meeting me half way?

 

It's like going out on the night expecting the evening to end at 10pm and getting home on time, but the leader decides just one more pub "but you said we'd all leave by 10pm".

 

While the friend may have been unaware of kaypee's feelings, in polite circles as far as Im concerned, if packing up was part of the weekends plans, this should have been made clear. It's not kaypee's fault that the nature of the weekend changed. How kaypee responds to it is another question.

 

Considering you like facts, at no point did you say you were doing it from a "role playing" scenario. You did a poor job of explaining your motives and you lacked the basic necessity of asking questions prior to forming an opinion when alluding to kaypee being a wimp. You said "kaypee didn't fill us in on xyz..." well, you should have asked "what were the expectations"?

 

Or is that too simple?

[Kaypee15]

Thank you for your eloquent reply.

As you'll see from the replies to my accusation, there was a lack of understanding on her part of your feelings ( not saying I know how she was thinking but offering a scenario/explanation/consideration to her) maybe you didn't assert how much your time off means to you, or how bad your headache was.

If you value the friendship, explain to her exactly how you felt and give her a chance to fully understand your point of view and apologise for her lack of consideration for you.

 

Mrs Rubble, we are very good friends. We talked just about everyday and especially about how things are going at work. She knows how hard I work and I how tired I usually am by the time Friday rolls around.

 

I do value the friendship but I am having a hard time finding my wrongs and when we do decide to sit down and talk I don't want her to feel like I'm attacking her. I did react with an attitude but it wasn't the kind of attitude where I went off on her. I just got quiet because I was angry and didn't want to say anything I might regret.

[Kaypee15]

Well I was referring to the friend who invited kaypee as being passive aggressive in inviting her and then dumping chores on her at the last minute.

 

I've had friends like that - not so much in chores, but there's no mutual agreement about where to go or what to do, we just follow the "leader" around who gets grumpy and angry when one of us decides actually, we want to do something else, we don't want to follow you around all night, how about meeting me half way?

 

It's like going out on the night expecting the evening to end at 10pm and getting home on time, but the leader decides just one more pub "but you said we'd all leave by 10pm".

 

While the friend may have been unaware of kaypee's feelings, in polite circles as far as Im concerned, if packing up was part of the weekends plans, this should have been made clear. It's not kaypee's fault that the nature of the weekend changed. How kaypee responds to it is another question.

 

Considering you like facts, at no point did you say you were doing it from a "role playing" scenario. You did a poor job of explaining your motives and you lacked the basic necessity of asking questions prior to forming an opinion when alluding to kaypee being a wimp. You said "kaypee didn't fill us in on xyz..." well, you should have asked "what were the expectations"?

 

Or is that too simple?

 

Thank you for understanding Tailor2000. So since we both agree that my friend should have let me know that chores were part of her plans, how should I approach the situation. Do you think I was wrong for having an attitude with her? Some may not even say I had an attitude. I just got quiet because I knew I was angry and I find it best that I don't speak until I calm down. However, I know that she sensed that I was not happy. How do I go about telling her how I feel without her feeling attacked?

[truthtripper]

How do I go about telling her how I feel without her feeling attacked?

Don't become emotional.

 

Use "I" statements and avoid saying "you" if possible. If you do use "you", don't start sentences with it, eg- "I wasn't informed that I would have to help with chores", rather than " You didn't tell me that I would have to help you...."

 

Keep it short, simple and to the point.

 

Rehearse what you're going to say to her, to another person, or in front of the mirror.

 

If you can look at this situation from a positive perspective, your friend is giving you a chance to practice standing up for yourself. These skills are necessary for your survival in this jungle of a world.

 

You go girl!!

[mrs rubble]

Thank you for understanding Tailor2000. So since we both agree that my friend should have let me know that chores were part of her plans, how should I approach the situation. Do you think I was wrong for having an attitude with her? Some may not even say I had an attitude. I just got quiet because I knew I was angry and I find it best that I don't speak until I calm down. However, I know that she sensed that I was not happy. How do I go about telling her how I feel without her feeling attacked?

 

That's the simple part, read your reply to me. That is pretty much what you need to say to her, as I said if she's a reasonable person she'll understand and apologise. I purposely set you up to have an assertive answer ready.

 

As for you owning any part of it, it's your feelings that are hurt, you are the only one who has the ability to allow that to happen. I believe you need to assert yourself more.

[mrs rubble]

Well I was referring to the friend who invited kaypee as being passive aggressive in inviting her and then dumping chores on her at the last minute.

 

I've had friends like that - not so much in chores, but there's no mutual agreement about where to go or what to do, we just follow the "leader" around who gets grumpy and angry when one of us decides actually, we want to do something else, we don't want to follow you around all night, how about meeting me half way?

 

It's like going out on the night expecting the evening to end at 10pm and getting home on time, but the leader decides just one more pub "but you said we'd all leave by 10pm".

 

While the friend may have been unaware of kaypee's feelings, in polite circles as far as Im concerned, if packing up was part of the weekends plans, this should have been made clear. It's not kaypee's fault that the nature of the weekend changed. How kaypee responds to it is another question.

 

Considering you like facts, at no point did you say you were doing it from a "role playing" scenario. You did a poor job of explaining your motives and you lacked the basic necessity of asking questions prior to forming an opinion when alluding to kaypee being a wimp. You said "kaypee didn't fill us in on xyz..." well, you should have asked "what were the expectations"?

 

Or is that too simple?

 

only kaypee and her friend know the details- we don't know what was said and left unsaid when they arranged the trip.

I hope she thinks about that and learns to assert herself when dealing with a manipulator in future- these people only take advantage because you allow them to.

[Kaypee15]

That's the simple part, read your reply to me. That is pretty much what you need to say to her, as I said if she's a reasonable person she'll understand and apologise. I purposely set you up to have an assertive answer ready.

 

As for you owning any part of it, it's your feelings that are hurt, you are the only one who has the ability to allow that to happen. I believe you need to assert yourself more.

 

Thank you. I plan on reaching out to her maybe in another week after I think we both have calmed down completely.

[mrs rubble]

Thank you. I plan on reaching out to her maybe in another week after I think we both have calmed down completely.

 

Excellent idea. Good luck!

[Samhain]

I politely told her that I had a headache from coming in and out from the cold air and was ready to go home to prepare for work the next day. So as we are driving I realize that we are not going home. We go to a guy's house that my friend has been dating on and off.

 

When to Cut Off an Inconsiderate Friend?

 

 

 

Now.

[Kaypee15]

I politely told her that I had a headache from coming in and out from the cold air and was ready to go home to prepare for work the next day. So as we are driving I realize that we are not going home. We go to a guy's house that my friend has been dating on and off.

 

When to Cut Off an Inconsiderate Friend?

 

 

 

Now.

 

I definitely thought about that. I'm going to try talking to her first. I realize some people do things without realizing how it may affect others.