Ms. Faust Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 It's just hard when your heart has been ripped out..... I know. Ten characters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 EW, it was my last gift.....and even though Ms. Faust equates it to a "sugar daddy" approach, I assure you that that was far from the truth.....the stuff I got her she never asked for, we were together for 6 years....6 years of Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas and such....she also bought me gifts too....we both work in Luxury retail so it's not like we are not around this stuff all the time....that said she was having a harder time explaining it all, so yea.....I didn't say it was a smart move, just being honest (in context that's ironic) and telling everyone here what's happening.... And no Ms. F, I'm not in therapy.....this place is it....and a close friend.....none of us have made very good decisions, myself included....I acknowledge that....but shaking your head at it doesn't do anything for me....I'm trying....making mistakes, but trying nonetheless...... It's just hard when your heart has been ripped out..... It's funny - our 7th year "anniversary" just passed, but we never once celebrated one. He never even acknowledged it. I always hated that. One time, early on in the A, I actually unwittingly went with him to buy an anniversary gift for his wife. He pretended to the store manager that I was his wife. It was an art gallery, and he had me pick out, for her, what I liked best. And yet I never got so much as a card on my "anniversary" with him. He never even knew when it was - indeed how can you know. What defines the "anniversary" to the beginning of an A? God that story says a lot. Another time he took me with him to buy flowers for her for V Day. He's not a huge pric& for the most part, but there are a lot of times he acted like one, and those moments really hurt me. Yet I stayed. What does that say about me? That one will take years of therapy to grapple with. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 It's funny - our 7th year "anniversary" just passed, but we never once celebrated one. He never even acknowledged it. I always hated that. One time, early on in the A, I actually unwittingly went with him to buy an anniversary gift for his wife. He pretended to the store manager that I was his wife. It was an art gallery, and he had me pick out, for her, what I liked best. And yet I never got so much as a card on my "anniversary" with him. He never even knew when it was - indeed how can you know. What defines the "anniversary" to the beginning of an A? God that story says a lot. Another time he took me with him to buy flowers for her for V Day. He's not a huge pric& for the most part, but there are a lot of times he acted like one, and those moments really hurt me. Yet I stayed. What does that say about me? That one will take years of therapy to grapple with. EdibleWoman, You have some big disadvantages to get through. And working with him is the worst.... make NC impossible. That's HARD to deal with. However, you CAN survive and get over him. It sounds like he wasn't 100% yours at all... I can't imagine you going with him to buy a gift for his wife. That kind of relationship will be easier to get over. Gut feeling, you can to a LOT in about 6 months... but overall, could take a lot longer. And, this isn't a whole lot different than a dating, SO situation, except that you'll have more criticism because of an affair, and yes, you'll loose some friends. Some of the things you can do to help. Get you MIND over him as soon as possible. You'll probably go through a stage where you'll wonder, in the back of your mind, when he'll be back.... after time changes, life changes and he rediscovers you and comes back. That can take months... but you have to ACCEPT that he's never coming back. Once you accept that, it gets easier. Change things... exercise, get a hobby, take a trip, buy some clothes, change your hair.... whatever. Just keep busy, stay active and eventually get back in a social setting and start to date... but take your time. IF you dwell on things, wondering when he'll get back, you may not ever get over him. You need to take action. My story is a bit different, and I got her out of my mind in about 4 month and about 7 months I was doing pretty well. Been with her for two very serious years, both giving to each other 90 to 100%, had it been 100% we would have still been together..... just had one major glitch that ended it, but that's life. It's very hard to get over someone.... especially the first 3 or 4 months, and especially if you've been into each other a LOT... like commitments, very close, where YOU are totally his focus, he's monogamous with you, and you come first.... that's hard to accomplish with affairs, but happens. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 (edited) EdibleWoman, You have some big disadvantages to get through. And working with him is the worst.... make NC impossible. That's HARD to deal with. However, you CAN survive and get over him. It sounds like he wasn't 100% yours at all... I can't imagine you going with him to buy a gift for his wife. That kind of relationship will be easier to get over. Gut feeling, you can to a LOT in about 6 months... but overall, could take a lot longer. And, this isn't a whole lot different than a dating, SO situation, except that you'll have more criticism because of an affair, and yes, you'll loose some friends. Some of the things you can do to help. Get you MIND over him as soon as possible. You'll probably go through a stage where you'll wonder, in the back of your mind, when he'll be back.... after time changes, life changes and he rediscovers you and comes back. That can take months... but you have to ACCEPT that he's never coming back. Once you accept that, it gets easier. Change things... exercise, get a hobby, take a trip, buy some clothes, change your hair.... whatever. Just keep busy, stay active and eventually get back in a social setting and start to date... but take your time. IF you dwell on things, wondering when he'll get back, you may not ever get over him. You need to take action. My story is a bit different, and I got her out of my mind in about 4 month and about 7 months I was doing pretty well. Been with her for two very serious years, both giving to each other 90 to 100%, had it been 100% we would have still been together..... just had one major glitch that ended it, but that's life. It's very hard to get over someone.... especially the first 3 or 4 months, and especially if you've been into each other a LOT... like commitments, very close, where YOU are totally his focus, he's monogamous with you, and you come first.... that's hard to accomplish with affairs, but happens. Good luck. Thank you for the words of support. Honestly the advice on here is helping me. One thing that keeps resonating is Ms. Faust's comment about OW putting mm on a pedestal and needing to be stronger and more self assured. I think that is true, although 7 years in I do feel like I know the good, bad and ugly of mm and love all of him. The problem with the pedestal syndrome though is that I think it leads the mm/married AP to likewise put THEMSELVES on a pedestal. It's part of the A feeding their ego, probably, and knowing 2 people want them. I think that that "pedestal syndrome" on both sides, combined with OM/OW guilt, leads the OW/OM to put up with not being treated as well in the relationship as they would be treated and as they would demand to be treated if it was a normal dating relationship. For me, it has lead to total self destruction of my self esteem over 7 years. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else, but I have thought about that a lot over the past few days and it has helped clear my fog, so to speak. Xmm reached out to me last night. I am emotionally more guarded with him than I've ever been, and I frankly don't trust him with my heart like I used to. He told me that he will contact me when he has an exit plan. Honestly I am not holding my breath, and even if he does deliver on something I am not sure where I am at this point. I still plan to remain NC. Edited November 17, 2015 by EdibleWoman Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 EW, again, I feel your pain... The way MM treated you as far as anniversary's and the "shopping" for the W That is just so ****ty in my mind... I don't understand that at all.... Of course having traditions and anniversaries like me and my MW isn't much better when they get broken and treated like they didn't mean anything too... As far as the self esteem, right there with you too..... Hang in there.... Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 It's funny - our 7th year "anniversary" just passed, but we never once celebrated one. He never even acknowledged it. I always hated that. One time, early on in the A, I actually unwittingly went with him to buy an anniversary gift for his wife. He pretended to the store manager that I was his wife. It was an art gallery, and he had me pick out, for her, what I liked best. And yet I never got so much as a card on my "anniversary" with him. He never even knew when it was - indeed how can you know. What defines the "anniversary" to the beginning of an A? God that story says a lot. Another time he took me with him to buy flowers for her for V Day. He's not a huge pric& for the most part, but there are a lot of times he acted like one, and those moments really hurt me. Yet I stayed. What does that say about me? That one will take years of therapy to grapple with. I am really stunned he took you to buy her gifts and flowers. Thats incredibly insensitive to you AND his wife. I cant imagine how that hurt. Obviously the A robs a person of self esteem so badly we'd stay through anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Well, funny you should ask....I have (had) a pattern of buying her expensive gifts....LV, Tiffany, Louboutin., Diamonds.....that sort of thing....before she went no contact, she sent me a pic of a pair of Louboutin heels that she liked.....I just mailed them to her today..... Yea, I know.....I'm grasping, crumb searching, looking for an answer that will satisfy me enough to either not end it, or help me too.....it's very hard because in the beginning she was the one chasing me!....I put her off for months before I couldn't anymore, she never asked for stuff like I would by her, but she loved all of it and it was so nice to see her reactions and appreciation with each gift....it became a way to show her how much I cared even in this ****ed up relationship....and now with the 180 switch, I was thinking maybe it would take her back one last time and maybe she would just talk to me.... Again....I know.....I'm ****ed.....I'm trying, really.....I think.....I just miss her so much, and I'm lonely not talking to her...... I wish I could tell you, "yea, it's all good just keep up the NC and in no time you'll be back to your old self".....I try to believe that, and I know it's true mostly, but DAMN.....if they don't ****ing change you!...... You bought her that when you're not seeing her anymore? Man, why not do that for an available gal that would appreciate you and your kind gestures? Have you tried dating single gals? Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 You bought her that when you're not seeing her anymore? Man, why not do that for an available gal that would appreciate you and your kind gestures? Have you tried dating single gals? I know I haven't posted my story (I did type it up but didn't post it).....cliff notes, I'm MM, she is MW...6 year A.... It's what I did for her.... It just was... My W has stuff too...I know it's messed up, but it's an A.... Comes with the territory.... MW ALWAYS appreciated it (hopefully still does) I'm in NC with her right now, sorta... Sorta on break, and sorta not.... I know... The confusion is what's so frustrating... I could move on (I think) if I had a better explanation about us from her.... It has been a 180 flip from just 2 months ago when everything seemed just fine... (If you knew the conversations you'd understand)... Throw in the fact that I love her, and you get actions that don't make sense.... But they do in the context of "us"...... I don't really care about the money spent, or anything like that... The gesture means more....I know it doesn't make sense like I said, and it may not make any difference also going forward, but to me, I tried..... They were delivered today.... Well see if anything happens Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I know I haven't posted my story (I did type it up but didn't post it).....cliff notes, I'm MM, she is MW...6 year A.... It's what I did for her.... It just was... My W has stuff too...I know it's messed up, but it's an A.... Comes with the territory.... MW ALWAYS appreciated it (hopefully still does) I'm in NC with her right now, sorta... Sorta on break, and sorta not.... I know... The confusion is what's so frustrating... I could move on (I think) if I had a better explanation about us from her.... It has been a 180 flip from just 2 months ago when everything seemed just fine... (If you knew the conversations you'd understand)... Throw in the fact that I love her, and you get actions that don't make sense.... But they do in the context of "us"...... I don't really care about the money spent, or anything like that... The gesture means more....I know it doesn't make sense like I said, and it may not make any difference also going forward, but to me, I tried..... They were delivered today.... Well see if anything happens So it's not really NC since you sent a gift, right? Was the gift sent to provoke contact from her? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 So the other shoe to drop in this is that I work with him. Not just work with him - work down the hall from him in a close network of people. I am a single mom and can't just up and quit my job and/or move. And my job is not particularly transferable. I can't sleep knowing I'm going to have to see him tomorrow, and knowing that each day will be one step forward, two steps back because total NC is literally impossible for me. I also can't go to family and friends about it. Long story, but I actually did that years ago with some closest to me for support during a particularly awful time, and I lost some friends and others, including family, simply refuse to talk to me about it. I am on my own in this one. I would start looking for other jobs, just see what else is out there. It's going to be a lot harder on YOU to stay and have to see/deal with him every single day. How can one get over someone else when you work with them? DO talk to your family and friends, they love you and at least one or two of them should be loving and supportive to guide you through this ending once and for all. Maybe before they weren't sure if you were 'done-done' and got sick of hearing about it then you still staying in the A. This time it is over so you need some shoulders to rely on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EdibleWoman Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 I would start looking for other jobs, just see what else is out there. It's going to be a lot harder on YOU to stay and have to see/deal with him every single day. How can one get over someone else when you work with them? NC was officially broken today for the above reasons. He wants to talk, insists that he will give me a plan, and that his marriage is over for its own reasons regardless of me. (He's been telling me for years that the M was dead - I believed it for good reasons and then recently started doubting it.) He also suggested that maybe it is best for us to have space while he works through the divorce, which I did not dispute. I am in a very different place mentally than I was even a week ago, though, and honestly I don't know where I am with him even if he leaves his M. If I can't get closure one way or another I will need to find a new job - this can't continue. NC is impossible in this setting and its harming me and him. I feel exhausted and confused. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 He also suggested that maybe it is best for us to have space while he works through the divorce, which I did not dispute. This really is best. If he loves you as much as he claims he will come through after the divorce. Until then he needs to focus his energy on separating things from his wife, so he doesn't get screwed. Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 So it's not really NC since you sent a gift, right? Was the gift sent to provoke contact from her? Short answer, yes.... But, she has never said we were not going to talk, even though she's been busy enough to not.... I've been the one contacting her... We were going to be working together again in a new store that just opened a few weeks ago, that didn't work out (long story) so things are confusing because she has said we are done and at the same time said we aren't....I just want to talk to see one way or the other.... The gift was to bring back happier memories of literally just a few months ago.... Again, this was a 6 year, emotional and physical relationship, more than initiated by herself all those years ago... Right now of just like answers and to just talk because she was my best friend too Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 NC was officially broken today for the above reasons. He wants to talk, insists that he will give me a plan, and that his marriage is over for its own reasons regardless of me. (He's been telling me for years that the M was dead - I believed it for good reasons and then recently started doubting it.) He also suggested that maybe it is best for us to have space while he works through the divorce, which I did not dispute. I am in a very different place mentally than I was even a week ago, though, and honestly I don't know where I am with him even if he leaves his M. If I can't get closure one way or another I will need to find a new job - this can't continue. NC is impossible in this setting and its harming me and him. I feel exhausted and confused. You tell him to stop talking to you at work unless it's business related. No more personal chit chat. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, do this for you! So you don't have to feel obligated to talk to him just because he's full of sh,t and can't give you what you want. He isn't leaving his marriage, he's baiting you and hoping he can manipulate you again. stay strong! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Let's just say it's been 5 months of NC for me and I am nowhere close to feeling better. But we are strong enough to get through this, OP. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 (edited) Well.....my wounds are back open and fresh as the gift thing turned to **** just like everything this last 2 1/2 months.....she said thanks, but already bought another pair almost like it, doesn't want to explain to H, take them back all with a cold as ice attitude, "I don't want to rehash this", "do you want me to sugar coat this because you know I don't do that", "do you want me to admit I'm a cold hearted bitch?".....yea, pretty much the worst conversation I've had to date, I'm asking why (again) and begging (again) and I'm looking like the biggest wus there is..... This side I've never seen in almost 6 years....I don't even know who she is anymore, I really don't (sound familiar??)..... So yea, feeling like ****.....and back to day 1 of NC in search for my sanity, dignity and self esteem.....the ****ing kicker is, I've treated her better, was the best looking, nicest guy she had ever been with....and the sex was the best..... But none of that matters.....yet another lesson in why A ALMOST never work out.... Edited November 21, 2015 by Outofmysystem Link to post Share on other sites
wanderingxsoulz Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 But none of that matters.....yet another lesson in why A ALMOST never work out.... Agree, so much. I've realised that in an A, we can both be saints or truly care for each other very much or try very hard to make it work, and it would still be impossible. Nothing would have changed and none of that would make any difference. The only thing you can do is grit your teeth and move on, however long it takes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Agree, so much. I've realised that in an A, we can both be saints or truly care for each other very much or try very hard to make it work, and it would still be impossible. Nothing would have changed and none of that would make any difference. The only thing you can do is grit your teeth and move on, however long it takes. You make a good point. With an affair, it would be great if people realized the risk of success, which is about 5%.... and that's even it the affair partners end up together, alone. However, sometimes it works and if it does, it seems to be better than ever. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 Wanderingxsoulz, thanks for the comments.....I'm lucky in one respect as I have a couple of friends that know xOW and the situation very well (worked together) and I'm able to discuss things with them. The advice is all the same..."let it/her go and move on", "take care of yourself and eventually it will be better".......just what's said in here over and over again. I'm with you though brother, it's going to take a long time I think. We seemed "together", and "perfect" for SUCH a long time (6 years) that it's hard all the memories and things we shared could be wadded up and thrown away like so much trash.....at least that's how it feels. Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 Wanderingxsoulz, thanks for the comments.....I'm lucky in one respect as I have a couple of friends that know xOW and the situation very well (worked together) and I'm able to discuss things with them. The advice is all the same..."let it/her go and move on", "take care of yourself and eventually it will be better".......just what's said in here over and over again. I'm with you though brother, it's going to take a long time I think. We seemed "together", and "perfect" for SUCH a long time (6 years) that it's hard all the memories and things we shared could be wadded up and thrown away like so much trash.....at least that's how it feels. You haven't posted your whole story? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Outofmysystem Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 You haven't posted your whole story? I started to (as my first post) had it all written then didn't do it.... It sounds like so much of "the same" when it's in words..... Then as more time went by, and I read more and more stories I just started posting in whatever thread caught my attention and maybe applied to my situation.... Should I post the whole story? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I started to (as my first post) had it all written then didn't do it.... It sounds like so much of "the same" when it's in words..... Then as more time went by, and I read more and more stories I just started posting in whatever thread caught my attention and maybe applied to my situation.... Should I post the whole story? Could be therapeutic and help sort you if you dud. Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 I started to (as my first post) had it all written then didn't do it.... It sounds like so much of "the same" when it's in words..... Then as more time went by, and I read more and more stories I just started posting in whatever thread caught my attention and maybe applied to my situation.... Should I post the whole story? Yes of course, do post your own story and start a new thread about it. I want to read it!! My xMM lives very nearby too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CloudyHead Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Please think twice about getting involved with MM. I had an affair with a MM. At the time it started, I was married as well. About a year after the affair started, I separated from my husband. MM stayed with his wife. About six months later, MM separated and showed up at my house. At that point, I had mentally pulled away from the relationship. I decided to move forward with a relationship with MM - it was meant to be, right? He left his wife for me, right? Here I am . . .6 years later . . . . Over the course of 6 years, he cheated on me, told me that he could not have a relationship with his sons as long as I was in his life, etc. I encouraged him to go to counseling and even attended counseling with him. Two weeks ago, he yelled at me (in front of my children) and told me that he had wanted to end the relationship for weeks and none of us cared about him. He told my 10 year old son that my son didn't give a **** about him. He left the three of us crying . . . He is angry with me because I chose not to see him or speak to him for a five days after this incident. He never called me. Never apologized. And, when I called him, he denied what he said and, because I chose not to speak to him for five days, he ended our 6 year relationship. This happened less than one week ago. My heart has been ripped out . . . But I cannot let my children be exposed to him anymore. I have gone from talking to someone several times a day to no contact. We had plans for the holidays, gifts had been bought, etc - now it is all gone. My point to you . . . When you are in an affair, you live in your own little bubble. It is a great addictive place. I really don't think you get a chance to know the other person . . You never see the warts, problems, addictions, etc. You think you do (I know I thought so) - but you don't. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
WestEndGirl Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 When you are in an affair, you live in your own little bubble. It is a great addictive place. I really don't think you get a chance to know the other person . . You never see the warts, problems, addictions, etc. You think you do (I know I thought so) - but you don't. That's very true. One thing that all APs have to remember is that there's the MP's side of the story, and the BS's version of the story, and they will likely be two very different stories indeed, because very unhappy people are blind to their own faults--they're just trying to reach a manageable level of emotional health, vis-a-vis the A. Someone has to want to change, of his or her own accord--not for anyone else but themselves. My exH is a completely different man today, and he is a completely different man to his current W. He did the work, and he changed for the better. Took him years to get there, but he made it, and I'm happy for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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