How long does it take?

[Captivating]

OMG, what a story ! Don't contact him, I know it's tempting though. Sending him angry messages, won't solve anything. 7 years are way too long to wait for someone, hoping that his marriage will crumble. 7 years are also hard to forget for both of you, I'm sure. It is going to be an emotional roller coaster for both of you. Even if you think that it won't affect him, it will. Let your emotions flow for 3 months freely then start dating again. You might meet someone extraordinary besides this opportunity being an ego boost for you and hopefully it will piss him off too Remember, you are one single hot Momma ! I would join a credible dating site and start meeting guys for a coffee. You can cut it short if you need to It might take 30 dates to find that unique man but it will be worth it !!! Right ?? It will be fun, trust me! (Don't talk about your ex....light, fun convo ) Do this for me EW !!!! and keep us posted, I am actually excited for you...

[Josmatjes]

Yikes! That recovery time is long. Hugs to you EW, that is a big chunk of time to have dedicated to this man. I'm in the early stages of recovery & NC, although I'm not sure that OM realizes this. I wouldn't wish a Dday on anyone, but the slow death of an A, and the temptation to reconnect is always there. The fix that is just waiting. We are both M & my MM refuses to say the end has come. Instead he says he still loves me but that work/family commitments make it so hard. Such a wimp, because all it feels like is that he's trying to keep that door open in case he has a change of heart, dangling me on a thread of hope. I hope you work through this. Don't give yourself big goals. Just get to the end of each day, allow yourself a set time to feel sad and keep busy. My current goal is go get to day 10. Luckily I'll be out of the country for his birthday and Thanksgiving so there will be no chance to use that excuse for contact. Be kind to yourself EW, baby steps forward....

 

Just curious...how does he not know you are in NC? Are you just not texting back?

[Josmatjes]

Please think twice about getting involved with MM. I had an affair with a MM. At the time it started, I was married as well. About a year after the affair started, I separated from my husband. MM stayed with his wife. About six months later, MM separated and showed up at my house. At that point, I had mentally pulled away from the relationship. I decided to move forward with a relationship with MM - it was meant to be, right? He left his wife for me, right?

 

Here I am . . .6 years later . . . . Over the course of 6 years, he cheated on me, told me that he could not have a relationship with his sons as long as I was in his life, etc. I encouraged him to go to counseling and even attended counseling with him.

 

Two weeks ago, he yelled at me (in front of my children) and told me that he had wanted to end the relationship for weeks and none of us cared about him. He told my 10 year old son that my son didn't give a **** about him. He left the three of us crying . . .

 

He is angry with me because I chose not to see him or speak to him for a five days after this incident. He never called me. Never apologized. And, when I called him, he denied what he said and, because I chose not to speak to him for five days, he ended our 6 year relationship. This happened less than one week ago.

 

My heart has been ripped out . . . But I cannot let my children be exposed to him anymore. I have gone from talking to someone several times a day to no contact. We had plans for the holidays, gifts had been bought, etc - now it is all gone.

 

My point to you . . . When you are in an affair, you live in your own little bubble. It is a great addictive place. I really don't think you get a chance to know the other person . . You never see the warts, problems, addictions, etc. You think you do (I know I thought so) - but you don't.

 

This is true. After my A ended we didn't speak for awhile and then it kina started again,just talking and texting, nothing else. But I sensed something different. Like the mask had come off. I started to see things that if I were married to him would not fly with me. We had great chemistry in our bubble, but it's kinda like wearing beer goggles and waking up and saying " who are you" .... Lol

[Krashi]

I was the OW. Believed the mm that he loved me and wanted to be with me. Believed that his marriage was dead, and that is the only way I was able to justify my actions. I really, truly believed it all. Now with reality setting in I've gone NC, and I'm ripped apart. I need to just get through the day, and tomorrow will be another one. How did those of you who have done this get used to the idea of life without him? Get used to the idea of not texting and talking and sharing the stupid little things? Even though I've blocked all contact points, I keep checking my phone. When did I become so pathetic? Just need a ballpark as to how long recovery will take. Thanks to any responses.

2.443 years, approximately.

[HtotheN]

I assume that you have some pics of him. Find a face pic, make 2 copies, small enough to fit into your shoes. Put one in each shoe, and walk all over him all day long. I have never done that but once read about someone doing that. It was a psychological boost for the person who did it because he had apparently "walked all over" her during the relationship.

[jenkins95]

Hi EdibleWoman and all you other recovering, heart-broken people.

 

It really sucks doesn't it? It's the worst kind of pain, constantly yearning for someone that you can't have.

 

The general rule that the recovery takes half as long as the relationship is probably reasonably accurate up to a point. But I think there's an upper limit of probably around two years if you do things right. In other words, a 7 year R and a 10 year R could both potentially take 2 years to recover from. Surely, if you do things right, it wouldn't take 5 years to recover from a 10 year R? Just look around at society in general. We always occasionally meet heart broken people, but in almost every case, the break up will have occurred very recently. How many people are visibly still heartbroken after an R that ended 5 years ago? I'm sure such poor souls exist, but they are surely very rare.

 

And when I say 'do things right', I am mainly taking about mental attitude. I learned an awful lot from the very first time I got my heart broken in a normal, non affair R. I was in my early 20s and it his me like a bullet when my GF suddenly ended it. I was destroyed and convinced that I would never recover and could not move on or ever be with anyone again. Now in my 40s, this seems so ridiculously naive, but I do draw from that experience. Back in my 20s, I clung on to hopes and dreams, even though all logic told me that she was definitely gone. The only way I could get through the days was to tell myself that she would come back, see the error of her ways, realise she couldn't live without me. She never came back of course and I was simply torturing myself. If I had simply taken the hit and accepted that it was over, I would have saved myself months of pain. The recovery in that early R lasted basically as long as the R had.

 

So now in my 40s I find myself hurt again, but in a very different role. This time I am the MM in an A - clearly the main villain in the piece. I only have myself to blame for getting into an A and causing pain and chaos to lots of people. The end of it still hurts like hell, though, villain or not, and I now draw a lot on the experiences of my younger self not to deceive myself. To see it for what it is and to move on as quickly as possible.

 

Good luck everyone.

[OldRover]

Hi EdibleWoman and all you other recovering, heart-broken people.

 

It really sucks doesn't it? It's the worst kind of pain, constantly yearning for someone that you can't have.

 

The general rule that the recovery takes half as long as the relationship is probably reasonably accurate up to a point. But I think there's an upper limit of probably around two years if you do things right. In other words, a 7 year R and a 10 year R could both potentially take 2 years to recover from. Surely, if you do things right, it wouldn't take 5 years to recover from a 10 year R? Just look around at society in general. We always occasionally meet heart broken people, but in almost every case, the break up will have occurred very recently. How many people are visibly still heartbroken after an R that ended 5 years ago? I'm sure such poor souls exist, but they are surely very rare.

 

And when I say 'do things right', I am mainly taking about mental attitude. I learned an awful lot from the very first time I got my heart broken in a normal, non affair R. I was in my early 20s and it his me like a bullet when my GF suddenly ended it. I was destroyed and convinced that I would never recover and could not move on or ever be with anyone again. Now in my 40s, this seems so ridiculously naive, but I do draw from that experience. Back in my 20s, I clung on to hopes and dreams, even though all logic told me that she was definitely gone. The only way I could get through the days was to tell myself that she would come back, see the error of her ways, realise she couldn't live without me. She never came back of course and I was simply torturing myself. If I had simply taken the hit and accepted that it was over, I would have saved myself months of pain. The recovery in that early R lasted basically as long as the R had.

 

So now in my 40s I find myself hurt again, but in a very different role. This time I am the MM in an A - clearly the main villain in the piece. I only have myself to blame for getting into an A and causing pain and chaos to lots of people. The end of it still hurts like hell, though, villain or not, and I now draw a lot on the experiences of my younger self not to deceive myself. To see it for what it is and to move on as quickly as possible.

 

Good luck everyone.

 

You're right, we do learn as we age. What seems like a mountain when we are a teenager, is a minor problem in our 30s or 40s.

 

As for recovery, it's all about how one deals with it. I'm a firm believer than one can make a significant recovery from almost any situation in about 6 months or so. But it takes work and dedication.... and one needs to clear the mind. It's just a mind game and how you reprogram your thinking. And the activities that you do to support your mind.

 

It also depends on how things ended. If things went down hill over time and one knew the end was coming it's easier than if the bomb dropped that was unexpected.

[CloudyHead]

I agree that it is all about reprogramming. You adapt YOUR life to accommodate his life - whether it be the times you can talk on the phone, the times you can meet, the texting, etc. I adjusted and changed MY life to fit into his life.

 

You have to stop living a life based around someone else . . .especially someone who is attached to someone else and/or someone who is not vested in you. You deserve better.

[burnt]

I started to (as my first post) had it all written then didn't do it.... It sounds like so much of "the same" when it's in words..... Then as more time went by, and I read more and more stories I just started posting in whatever thread caught my attention and maybe applied to my situation....

 

Should I post the whole story?

 

Yep. Me, too.

I have been posting responses here and there since I joined, but never posted my own story. Can't get to the the point of collecting my emotions and gathering all thoughts coherently enough to write it all out--bit too much to handle.

If you already have written it, please consider posting it--at least it may get part of it off your chest.

[Outofmysystem]

Yep. Me, too.

I have been posting responses here and there since I joined, but never posted my own story. Can't get to the the point of collecting my emotions and gathering all thoughts coherently enough to write it all out--bit too much to handle.

If you already have written it, please consider posting it--at least it may get part of it off your chest.

 

 

Thanks for the post....Adoraxx also wanted to read it too because hers AP is close by too, mine is literally right down the street from me and it makes all of this that much harder.....to your point, it does look different written than just talking about it to a friend or therapist and after I wrote it all out I deleted it....however, more time has gone by and I will post a "story" thread soon (Christmas is busy in the retail world).....soon though.

[Adoraxx]

Thanks for the post....Adoraxx also wanted to read it too because hers AP is close by too, mine is literally right down the street from me and it makes all of this that much harder.....to your point, it does look different written than just talking about it to a friend or therapist and after I wrote it all out I deleted it....however, more time has gone by and I will post a "story" thread soon (Christmas is busy in the retail world).....soon though.

 

Still waiting for it Outofmysystem ;-)!!

yes, my xMM is down the street from me too, just a few steps away really.

[EdibleWoman]

I've been avoiding this thread for a while - in some ways because I can't deal with my life and in some ways because I didn't want MM to trace this thread. In the meantime have been going through some pretty severe depression. MM wants until September, when his eldest goes to college. I've asked for conduct to show that he means it - first and foremost couples therapy (for us). He hasn't done that yet, but/and there is always something that takes precedence. Lately it is his daughter's college applications and mother's Alzheimer's. I am not selfish and don't want to come across as such, but I'm so freaked I'm getting played. I truly love him, and I believe from the bottom of my heart that his marriage has been broken for over a decade, but I'm still having a horrible time of it. Full disclosure - it's been an EA only now for about 3 years after a PA for 4 years prior to that - I stopped sleeping with him when I realized that his marriage wasn't as close to divorce as he originally lead me to believe. Thank you all for your comments on this and support - I'm sorry I had to disappear. For those of you wanting to beat me up, wait until after Christmas. I beat myself up quite regularly as it is.

[EdibleWoman]

I started to (as my first post) had it all written then didn't do it.... It sounds like so much of "the same" when it's in words..... Then as more time went by, and I read more and more stories I just started posting in whatever thread caught my attention and maybe applied to my situation....

 

Should I post the whole story?

 

It would make me feel better. On the other hand, it's impossible for any of us to post the full story without writing a novel. There's so much grey.

[LimeBlue]

In the meantime have been going through some pretty severe depression. MM wants until September, when his eldest goes to college. I've asked for conduct to show that he means it - first and foremost couples therapy (for us). He hasn't done that yet, but/and there is always something that takes precedence. Lately it is his daughter's college applications and mother's Alzheimer's. I am not selfish and don't want to come across as such, but I'm so freaked I'm getting played.

 

For those of you wanting to beat me up, wait until after Christmas. I beat myself up quite regularly as it is.

 

Same in my situation - always an excuse, always something that takes precedence. I have discussed it with him, then there is another excuse on top of it all.

 

Yes, I beat myself up all the time too among the hurt and pain.

 

I love him more than I can ever put into words, I don't know where it will all land up but I know he won't be leaving his wife. If he was, he would have done so by now, or at least first thing in the new year.

[Captivating]

I'm so freaked I'm getting played. I truly love him, and I believe from the bottom of my heart that his marriage has been broken for over a decade, but I'm still having a horrible time of it. ..... I stopped sleeping with him when I realized that his marriage wasn't as close to divorce as he originally lead me to believe. .

 

EW,

Would you consider telling him "Let's have a break and see where we stand" Meanwhile start dating as I suggested it before. "Coffee dates". Get out there, get to know others and get to know yourself again. This long term affair might have affected your self-esteem and messed with your head. You proved your love and loyalty. He seems to take you for granted although he has kids and it makes his situation harder.

 

At one point you need to cut your losses and aim for finding happiness again. With or without him. He needs to know that you are ready to move on and you would not only be able to function but be happy without him too. The beginning of the relationships is the honeymoon phase, passionate. (infatuation) Then this passion settles down, and it either turns into real long term love or the couple breaks up when reality kicks in. Most of the changes occur during the infatuation phase highly fueled by passion.

 

You love this man, he might love you too, but doesn't do the steps that is necessary to make you happy. The question is how much time and energy do you have to keep this going the way it is.

[EdibleWoman]

EW,

Would you consider telling him "Let's have a break and see where we stand" Meanwhile start dating as I suggested it before. "Coffee dates". Get out there, get to know others and get to know yourself again. This long term affair might have affected your self-esteem and messed with your head. You proved your love and loyalty. He seems to take you for granted although he has kids and it makes his situation harder.

 

At one point you need to cut your losses and aim for finding happiness again. With or without him. He needs to know that you are ready to move on and you would not only be able to function but be happy without him too. The beginning of the relationships is the honeymoon phase, passionate. (infatuation) Then this passion settles down, and it either turns into real long term love or the couple breaks up when reality kicks in. Most of the changes occur during the infatuation phase highly fueled by passion.

 

You love this man, he might love you too, but doesn't do the steps that is necessary to make you happy. The question is how much time and energy do you have to keep this going the way it is.

 

The compassion here extended by strangers is so humbling. Yes, my self esteem has been devastated over the years of the A. Totally killed. I do believe that As condition OW to believe they're not worth much, and at best, deserve to come last in priority because OW are in essence a ghost. As an OW, you're simply not real. Because I was (am) an Ow, which was so contrary to how I was raised, I conditioned myself to believe I was a bad person and deserved to take last place, always. I accepted my karma and my fate. I believed I was dirty and deserved to be hidden away out of shame. I aborted a child in the process, and that sealed my fate. I killed my baby because I chose to have an A. I am liberal and pro choice, but that's how I feel. My karma for the affair is living with destruction, including the destruction of a child. 8 years of living with that mentality has done a number on me, and it does for most OW in As, especially because the MM reinforce it, even if unwittingly. MM almost always prioritize their families over the OW, as they should, and in doing so, you as an OW grow to see yourself as some cancerous appendage. Disgusting and unwelcome and hidden - a dirty secret. God I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy. I really wouldn't. I see girls on this LS starting new As and I literally start crying - and I don't even know them. So, with all of that said, there's a lot of recovery that needs to occur before I could possibly be in a place to date. Thank you for your words of wisdom. There's no where else I can say these words.

[OldRover]

The compassion here extended by strangers is so humbling. Yes, my self esteem has been devastated over the years of the A. Totally killed. I do believe that As condition OW to believe they're not worth much, and at best, deserve to come last in priority because OW are in essence a ghost. As an OW, you're simply not real. Because I was (am) an Ow, which was so contrary to how I was raised, I conditioned myself to believe I was a bad person and deserved to take last place, always. I accepted my karma and my fate. I believed I was dirty and deserved to be hidden away out of shame. I aborted a child in the process, and that sealed my fate. I killed my baby because I chose to have an A. I am liberal and pro choice, but that's how I feel. My karma for the affair is living with destruction, including the destruction of a child. 8 years of living with that mentality has done a number on me, and it does for most OW in As, especially because the MM reinforce it, even if unwittingly. MM almost always prioritize their families over the OW, as they should, and in doing so, you as an OW grow to see yourself as some cancerous appendage. Disgusting and unwelcome and hidden - a dirty secret. God I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy. I really wouldn't. I see girls on this LS starting new As and I literally start crying - and I don't even know them. So, with all of that said, there's a lot of recovery that needs to occur before I could possibly be in a place to date. Thank you for your words of wisdom. There's no where else I can say these words.

 

Edible,

 

It's clearly apparent that you're still hurting, however, this is pretty normal after a breakup this soon, regardless of what kind of breakup it is.

 

You've made some mistakes, and not everyone will agree with your decisions in life. But you're still a human being and deserve all the chances to improve your life and feel better, and hopefully you can get that support here.

 

The OW/OM situation is SO difficult and has so many risks and problems. Unfortunately, easy to fall into especially when one is vulnerable and sees it as a solution.

 

You've realized that it's behind you now, and have to work through this. The holiday times are always hard, however, make the best. Be with friends and get their support. As time goes on you WILL heal. It's also a mind game and lots of things you can do, and should do, to help yourself. You're not there... yet, but will be.

 

Keep you're head up and smile. Life can be wonderful for you.

[Captivating]

The compassion here extended by strangers is so humbling. Yes, my self esteem has been devastated over the years of the A. Totally killed. I do believe that As condition OW to believe they're not worth much, and at best, deserve to come last in priority because OW are in essence a ghost. As an OW, you're simply not real. Because I was (am) an Ow, which was so contrary to how I was raised, I conditioned myself to believe I was a bad person and deserved to take last place, always. I accepted my karma and my fate. I believed I was dirty and deserved to be hidden away out of shame. I aborted a child in the process, and that sealed my fate. I killed my baby because I chose to have an A. I am liberal and pro choice, but that's how I feel. My karma for the affair is living with destruction, including the destruction of a child. 8 years of living with that mentality has done a number on me, and it does for most OW in As, especially because the MM reinforce it, even if unwittingly. MM almost always prioritize their families over the OW, as they should, and in doing so, you as an OW grow to see yourself as some cancerous appendage. Disgusting and unwelcome and hidden - a dirty secret. God I wouldn't wish this hell on my worst enemy. I really wouldn't. I see girls on this LS starting new As and I literally start crying - and I don't even know them. So, with all of that said, there's a lot of recovery that needs to occur before I could possibly be in a place to date. Thank you for your words of wisdom. There's no where else I can say these words.

 

Hey You

You are a nice person ! If I were you I would let him go, for myself (yourself) You will gain that self esteem back, don't worry. Start dating again! Coffee dates how I call it. Join a credible dating site and set up coffee dates with many men. You can cut these short if you need to, won't cost much. Have light, fun conversations, don't talk/ask about exes. It might take 50 dates, but one day you might find someone incredible !! It would be well worth it, right? So, if I were you I would actively try to find someone that I could share my life with. Don't commit fast, take your time getting to know someone. You might meet someone at the grocery store or at the library. Be open for it. Also, try new experiences, watch thought provoking documentaries on Netflix. Such as : "Hungry for change" "Forks over knives" "Inequality for all" "foodmatters" "Chemerical" (might be on hulu or amazon prime). Read new books, join a gym, catch up with girlfriends, visit family, start gardening, volunteering, giving advice up here on LS for people in need (very helpful!), look into vegan cooking So there are a lot of ways to start to get distracted and widen your horizon, these are certainly ways to grow, these are good topics for conversations for your "coffee dates" You will be fine !!!!! I am actually very excited for you DO IT ! Let me know how things are !