Father's bad behavior

[Sweet108]

LS~ few believe or empathize with me and I am not sure what to do to solve this. Backstory: I was a sahm for over a decade. I got divorced, went to school, got a degree, got a professional job. Now work full time and study for a professional exam that is extremely time consuming. My father has been very demanding of my attention. He fully retired about 3 years ago and 70ish, lives independently and is single. I explained in kind terms that please give me some space while I study and get the exam sections finished. He has taken to writing rude comments on my FB wall so I put him on restricted list where he can't see most things or post on my page. He likes my bf but has also said "Oh do you speak for her now?" in front of other people, just downright rude! Then back to being nice to him. He wants me to talk on the phone and I said look with raising a teenager on my own, work and this study I am able to call you once a week. He gets annoyed at email or text message which is my preference and thinks that "talking" is the only acceptable manner to communicate. When on the phone he talks about his doctor appointments and things that I'd rather not hear like TMI (his bowel movements for example) I've told him I care but I'd rather not hear those types details. He's usually telling me how he thinks he is going to die (he's not terminally ill) by health problems or on an airplane each time he takes a trip. He starts coughing on the phone in an exaggerated way. He's gotten rude and I said I would like to talk to you when you are not going to speak to me like that but right now I am going to get off the phone. He thinks this is horribly mean of me that I'd hang up on him. When I do call him he will say "Look I know there is tension between us....!" I say I'm sorry you feel that way and he says WELL I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY HOW ABOUT THAT?!" and several times now he says he will have someone else being executor of his estate since it would be such a burden on me. Translation: you don't pay enough attention to me so I put you down/belittle you and won't include you in my will. It's come to the point where I don't want to communicate at all but I force myself to call him weekly out of guilt or sense of obligation. I feel guilty saying this but I'd rather have peace than be included in his will and have an inheritance. I mention this to his cousin she assures me his mental state is fine he's just acting immature and I need to call him more and put up with his garbage. She's never been single, much less single parent or ever had to struggle financially so her advice is mildly resentment causing. Few people understand how this exam takes a lot of my time and focus. I mean what is the other choice for me? stop the exam and fake nice to him when he's belligerent and hope for an inheritance to live off or ask him for loans?

What would you do?

1. continue to put up with the mistreatment (and he complains to others how mean I am as if he's a victim-what have I done besides not call enough?)

2. ignore him totally

3. stay in contact and be assertive/show boundaries each time

This is not the parent I knew my whole life. His personality has changed. Extended family doesn't agree with me that his personality is different or that there's cause to be concerned about his mental state.

It's very frustrating and unsure how to handle this.

I care about myself NOT to tolerate bad behavior or demands for my attention when I am trying to get a career and $ later in life.

[mrs rubble]

LS~ few believe or empathize with me and I am not sure what to do to solve this. Backstory: I was a sahm for over a decade. I got divorced, went to school, got a degree, got a professional job. Now work full time and study for a professional exam that is extremely time consuming. My father has been very demanding of my attention. He fully retired about 3 years ago and 70ish, lives independently and is single. I explained in kind terms that please give me some space while I study and get the exam sections finished. He has taken to writing rude comments on my FB wall so I put him on restricted list where he can't see most things or post on my page. He likes my bf but has also said "Oh do you speak for her now?" in front of other people, just downright rude! Then back to being nice to him. He wants me to talk on the phone and I said look with raising a teenager on my own, work and this study I am able to call you once a week. He gets annoyed at email or text message which is my preference and thinks that "talking" is the only acceptable manner to communicate. When on the phone he talks about his doctor appointments and things that I'd rather not hear like TMI (his bowel movements for example) I've told him I care but I'd rather not hear those types details. He's usually telling me how he thinks he is going to die (he's not terminally ill) by health problems or on an airplane each time he takes a trip. He starts coughing on the phone in an exaggerated way. He's gotten rude and I said I would like to talk to you when you are not going to speak to me like that but right now I am going to get off the phone. He thinks this is horribly mean of me that I'd hang up on him. When I do call him he will say "Look I know there is tension between us....!" I say I'm sorry you feel that way and he says WELL I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY HOW ABOUT THAT?!" and several times now he says he will have someone else being executor of his estate since it would be such a burden on me. Translation: you don't pay enough attention to me so I put you down/belittle you and won't include you in my will. It's come to the point where I don't want to communicate at all but I force myself to call him weekly out of guilt or sense of obligation. I feel guilty saying this but I'd rather have peace than be included in his will and have an inheritance. I mention this to his cousin she assures me his mental state is fine he's just acting immature and I need to call him more and put up with his garbage. She's never been single, much less single parent or ever had to struggle financially so her advice is mildly resentment causing. Few people understand how this exam takes a lot of my time and focus. I mean what is the other choice for me? stop the exam and fake nice to him when he's belligerent and hope for an inheritance to live off or ask him for loans?

What would you do?

1. continue to put up with the mistreatment (and he complains to others how mean I am as if he's a victim-what have I done besides not call enough?)

2. ignore him totally

3. stay in contact and be assertive/show boundaries each time

This is not the parent I knew my whole life. His personality has changed. Extended family doesn't agree with me that his personality is different or that there's cause to be concerned about his mental state.

It's very frustrating and unsure how to handle this.

I care about myself NOT to tolerate bad behavior or demands for my attention when I am trying to get a career and $ later in life.

 

You need to ask his Doctor about the bolded, you are in closer contact than extended family and know him better. There are several medical afflictions that could explain it, he needs checking out.

[Tayla]

in the kindness of sincereity..get over yourself. Your father is right. This texting and emailing is impersonal . Take it as a warm gesture to actually listen to your father. Your parent is not an inconvenience.... unless the 18 years and roof of your head was an inconvience to them?

 

Ask yourself.. after loosing most of your friends and family has moved on... how you would feel.. that your own kid is unable to prioritize what really is important. Family first, includes your parents!

[dreamingoftigers]

HEs from a different generation.

 

A lot of the social norms and customs that are basic to us, are almost a completely different context to older folks who haven't made a gigantic effort to adapt.

 

My grandmother is 92. She has kept up (socially) but doesn't own a computer or cell phone. She wouldn't know what to do if I tried to send her a "text or email."

Socially she's awesome though. Polite, kind and really "gets it." She volunteers full-time. Gotten government recognition for her efforts in her town.

 

My mother in-law however, is right around 70.

I just talked to her tonight.

She has not really kept up. She is also "dying" all of the time, as long as I have known her. She talks about her health problems like they are the weather. Then it usually devolves to passive a aggressive schlock that would burn the ears of a Saint. We announced my pregnancy, she kinda missed congratulating us. Sigh.

 

My boss is also 70. Plenty of things he does are archaic, things considered rude now, and misogynistic.

 

He's not a "bad guy" but there are things that are so ingrained that He isn't going to change / adapt / accept or whatever.

 

Its pretty common actually.

 

I kept reading your post looking for "the great rudeness" and honestly, compared to my relatives (not grandma, she's awesome) I can't really see what you are complaining about.

 

Your father is the stereotype of a cranky old man. Because newsflash: he's old and he's cranky because no one needs him anymore and the biggest news he has are his bowel movements.

 

Have you ever watched "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?"

That movie was a progressive heyday in racial relations and communication. Practically a hallmark for his generation. Listen to they way they communicate. Its all guilting / shaming / whinging. But for that generation just the act of "talking to each other" about the circumstance was AMAZING.

 

And yes, for these guys Text / email is DISTINCTLY impersonal.

 

Saying things like "what am I supposed to do? Quit my exam and humor him when he's so belligerent" just sounds so whiny and passive-aggressive.

 

Sometimes with family relationships you just tough it out.

If he was being am utter douchebag, that would be totally different. He's just an immature old man.

 

Honestly, my father doesn't want anything to do with me. Let's me know what a " constant disappointment " I am to him. Used to tell me how he would kill me, bury me in the backyard and no one would miss me or find me.

 

An old man's bowel movements and his whinging over his will? Well, everyone poops and everyone dies.

You can't spare once a week to make a phone call?

 

I call for pizza delivery about that often.

[Sweet108]

Two good points mentioned:

• his meds might be contributing to the behavior
  
• his behavior is age approrpriate
  

thank you for those and will look into them, though not sure how far I can get with his doctors and hippa laws.

I call him once a week. This isn't enough for him, and he starts in with shaming how I don't call enough. Once a week is reasonable.

Serious topics are never appropriate by text, who does that anyway? For check ins and hey I care type stuff, it's much more convenient to text or email especially at quiet places where others can't listen in or disturbing to others.

That said I won't tolerate someone speaking poorly to me and/or veiled threats to leave me out of will. Keep the money. There's no way I'll shame my adult children into calling me more than once a week, especially if they are in a temporary point in their lives where they must work very hard while having lot of responsibility and no help.

Dreamingoftigers I am very sorry for your painful experiences. I hope you have a great day today.