How to support wife with self-esteem issues

[daveuk88]

Sorry if this is a bit long winded but it has been winding me up for well over a year...

 

My wife and I are generally very happy, busy, but happy. We have 3 great boys (albeit our youngest at 20 months is quite demanding). I work 2 jobs (the second being as a part-time Firefighter), she works as a part time carer.

 

Money is good, in honesty she could leave her job (which she doesn't like), but she gets worried about money and I think it's better for her to keep that social contact as she doesn't have a great deal of friends in our area. It's her choice, I'm not stopping her.

 

We've recently celebrated our 5 year anniversary, we are very supportive of each other. We don't argue, we might have the occasional snap but I can't remember a full on argument, we discuss our differences.

 

In the early days we enjoyed a healthy sex life, minus the honeymoon period (where we were like rabbits) we would have sex every other night, 3 times a week etc. I've always been more adventurous sex wise. Sex could always be quite repetitive, me on top, her on top that's about it. However when she's had a drink she would lose her inhibitions and I would obviously look forward to this.

 

Since having kids she has a terrible self-image. She's very self conscious about weight gain, stretch marks, saggy boobs. However, she is WRONG.

Fair enough she's got a few stretch marks, if you got a ruler out then there may be a slight sag in boobs and ok she might not have a perfectly flat tummy out of Vogue but she is still gorgeous. The changes that have occurred are just testament to being a mum, right?

 

Anyway, as a consequence sex is dire. At record we went 5 months without a single poke! Typically we'd be looking at once every 3-4 weeks. Even then it's awful. She refuses to get naked so there's a total lack of intimacy.

 

I've tried telling her she's gorgeous etc, but she's very dismissive. She's made her mind up and "that is that". She's taken to running, it's adhoc, it has made a difference but she can't do anything about the issues that only exist psychologically.

 

She's quite old-fashioned and traditional, non-religious, I think suggesting counselling might be something that "can't be unsaid". With the wife these things have to be treated very carefully. She does have a history of depression which I recognise early and is treated well with exercise.

 

The lack of sex I put down to busy lives, 3 kids etc. However it's becoming more apparent that it's self-esteem.

 

We have our first night together in 3 years (no kids), I took her to a nice city, great hotel, entertainment etc. I tried to organise sexy games to rekindle the old days. I spent 2 days researching and planning, it took her 2 seconds to say "I ain't doing that!". I only suggested nakedness, not anal in the pond of Trafalgar Sq.

 

The time away was great, I even got it twice over 2 days which is a recent record, but it was still all dressed

 

I totally respect her wishes and I want to help her become confident again. Being a bit selfish I think about how it affects me. I'm a lot more grumpy, stressed. I don't try and initiate any more as I struggle with the rejection.

 

I'm wanting to organise more trips away as her fears of having the kids out overnight were unfounded, they we're perfect for our parents.

 

I think if we could sort this out then we would be perfect!

 

I posted this as I couldn't find similar issues, which I was surprised about because this must be common, right? Looking at similar, we're not the affair type. I trust her whole-heartedly, I've never strayed and never would. But we are in our late 20's and in my low-mood I think about whether this will ever be solved or whether I can say goodbye to a good sex life forever more.

 

Some solutions I thought of:

 

1) Maybe this is linked to depression?: She uses a Mirena Coil which can have depressive side effects. Perhaps suggest she has this removed and I get the snip (which I really didn't/don't want to do but sacrifices may need to be had)

 

2) Therapy: I really want to keep this card as my last as I don't think she will be too open to this

 

3) Surgery: I think she would dismiss this outright, but if she's open to fixing the bits she doesn't like I don't mind putting the cash forward

 

We're not very communicative around things like these. She is very emotional and if I start the conversation it'll be floods of tears so I want to be totally prepared as it's one of those conversations you can only have once.

 

Well done if you read this from start to finish!

[daveuk88]

PS. Worth mentioning, she already knows and isn't in denial that this is an issue at her end. She made a throw away comment "I know sex is my hangup", so I'm using that as an open door to try and get in and help.

[qubist]

I think therapy is the way to go at this moment. Depression is the main factor but there could be other factors too, lot of women develop some sort of resentment toward their husbands after pregnancy that they can't explain but it shows in the relationship somehow. you can't take the risk of not knowing what's going on on her mind. she knows there is an issue, you just have to talk to her about therapy. make sure to show her that you are supportive of all he decisions regardless.

[daveuk88]

I think therapy is the way to go at this moment. Depression is the main factor but there could be other factors too, lot of women develop some sort of resentment toward their husbands after pregnancy that they can't explain but it shows in the relationship somehow. you can't take the risk of not knowing what's going on on her mind. she knows there is an issue, you just have to talk to her about therapy. make sure to show her that you are supportive of all he decisions regardless.

 

Thanks for that. I might suggest that when the time is right. Going to try and better myself on the basics first, pretty difficult as she doesn't like flowers, hangbags, all the girly things, chocolates are usually appreciated but somewhat counter-productive at the minute!

 

Has anyone else had similar experiences of this?

[Lois_Griffin]

Three kids does an incredible amount of damage to a woman's body.

 

I would absolutely offer her a tummy tuck with muscle repair, a breast lift and possibly implants if her breasts are deflated. It's intrusive, it brings you to your knees for a few days, but SO well worth it. You might be surprised - she might take that offer and run with it.

 

Secondly, I think your wife's poor body needs a damned break. She's basically been a brood mare carrying and having all those kids, and now she's STILL being compromised being stuck with an IUD that alters her hormonal make up.

 

She's been the only one making all the sacrifices and doing all the heavy lifting. This is supposed to be a shared responsibility.

 

I think you should man up and do the right thing and get a vasectomy. Seriously, give her poor body a break.

[burnt]

I read your post this morning, but didn't have to time to write a response, until now at night. But the entire day, this post lingered at the back of my mind. I find this whole thing so incredibly sad and heartbreaking actually.

 

I'm far from an attractive woman. I never was; at a very early age, even by age 6, I knew which girls were 'pretty' and recognized that I was not. I never saw the boys look at me. Growing up as a girl, it was not fun seeing yourself as 'ugly'. For a very brief period I was involved in an affair, and it was the FIRST time in my life I heard someone looking at me and saying the words 'you look beautiful'. When it was all over, I realized those words were all lies; but at the moment I heard them, while I didn't suddenly believe I was beautiful, what I still felt was an indescribable sense of awe: wondering to myself, "is this what a woman feels when she's told she's beautiful?". I was amazed to discovered how wonderful it felt when someone looking at me liked what he saw in me.

 

I find it very truly sad, that despite of how beautiful she always was and still is, your wife cannot feel the joy in the honest compliment you're giving her. I find it very sad that she can't feel how lucky she really is. The way you described in your post shows such deep love for her, and yet she's somehow convinced otherwise.

 

I STRONGLY suggest you stay away from all forms of 'cure' to fix her 'flaws'. The problem is not that she's got some lumps and bumps; the problem is how she perceives herself. The moment you suggest anything along the lines of tummy tucks/plastic surgery or what have you, all it can do is reinforce her already flawed thoughts that she's no longer beautiful. Also, if 'fixing' is the way you go, then what happens 10 years from now? With age, she will only feel even more depressed about how she looks.

 

What's important is that she can feel beautiful just the way she is and that she can believe and REALIZE that she is loved and seen as beautiful in her husband's eyes.

These realizations won't come with fixing her body; she needs therapy. Therapy is not for broken mentally disabled people; with the help of a good/right therapist she can start to have a different perspective, which is what she needs.

 

It's really not a question of what she actually looks like, but rather a matter of what she thinks she looks like.

In her own privacy, when she looks at herself naked in the mirror, if she sees an 'ugly' body and perpetually feels down, no amount of flowers and chocolates from you will change that self-perception and self loathing.

 

Please do reconsider seeing a MC or IC.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

[sandylee1]

As a female who hates being starkers.... I suggest some lacy lingerie that is revealing to see everything..but can be kept on. I usually like to grab the covers as soon as we're done.....

 

My husband doesn't comment. ..except sometimes when I try and cover up he'll say something like I need to see that a** or whatever else. I still feel self concious..but when I wear lacy lingerie and model for him I feel more comfortable.

 

Would she be open to bubble baths on weekends away? Or sex in the showers? That's a way to see her naked... and she might loosen up that way.

[sandylee1]

I think if you start offering or suggesting cosmetic surgery, it could be taken very badly and you'll be in a worse situation. As though you think those body parts are not attractive.

 

It's different if the individual suggests it themselves, but coming from the spouse...it could end badly.

[spanz1]

a lot of women have body image issues. that is not unusual at all.

 

 

so it is important to show her, physically, that she still turns you on. Buy her sexy lingerie. Play with her body all day long, like grab her butt as she walks by, etc. Try new kinky sex things with her. brag about her sexy body to others in her presence. give her a new pet name, like "my hot mamma".

 

 

Words are easy and cost nothing! use them copiously.

 

 

maybe offer to get her a personal trainer a the gym if she does have a few pounds, then really tell her how great she looks if she slims down just a little.

 

 

that is what I would do.

[MuddyFootprints]

Find a marriage counsellor who is well versed in marital intimacy.

 

Body image and not feeling physically sexual may be a symptom of difficulty she's having separating her roles between mom and wife.

 

If it's an identity thing, she's going to need help and you are going to need to learn how to work through it with her and support her.

 

Sometimes, flowers, cards, romance, sweet words, etc. aren't enough.

 

It's not your fault.

[sandylee1]

, like grab her butt as she walks by, etc. Try new kinky sex things with her. brag about her sexy body to others in her presence. give her a new pet name, like "my hot mamma".

 

 

.

 

It's interesting how men think grabbing your butt is a complement of sorts. I hate this done to me. It's like I'm a piece of meat or something. I don't mind him touching my butt but not grabbing.

 

Also choose your words wisely..... my friend told me her husband would rub her tummy and say 'my lovely jelly belly'.....he thought it sounded cute.

[Friskyone4u]

I suggest you let her keep working so you can easily afford some serious IC for her to get to the bottom of this.

 

Unfortunately, if her self esteem issues become too overwhelming, and if she believes you are telling her she is beautiful only because as her husband you have to, she may start to be vulnerable to another man complimenting her.

 

Happens all the time and the Bh is told he was just saying those things because he is her husband.

 

Self esteem issues is one of the main motivators for women, and I guess men too, for seeking validation from external sources.

 

She needs help. That is obvious, and I agree you should not immediately start offering cosmetic proceedures because that may validate her concerns in her mind.

[privategal]

I kinda feel like in marriage it should be the hard direct brutal honest approach...like hey hon...Ive jumped through hoops, planned trips, Pursue sex with you, tell you your beautiful, love all your self percieved flaws, initiate sex...and you push me away, clearly dont pursue me or even trust my compliments or love for you.

We either address this now or get a divorce bevause I want a loving positive healthy sex life and a love life outside of the bedroom too and if you dont want that, its best we part ways.

No more of desperate husbands doing backflips to please women that wont help themselves. I am reading more and more of this here and its heartbreaking. Your showing so much love and patience and it is not fair to co continuously be pushed away.

[blueskyday]

Don't mention plastic surgery! She will only take that as reinforcement that she is unattractive and could be improved upon.

 

Instead of focusing on sex, take her out to have FUN. Don't worry about sex. Three kids can make one feel like an incubator and the subsequent care children require can make a woman feel "touched out." She could be tired of bodily demands. Sex isn't a demand, of course, but to a stressed out woman it can seem like its just one more thing for the body to have to do.

 

So go have fun. No sex pressure. Go on a vacation and let her relax and reset her body/mindset. Once she is relaxed and closely connected to you, then SHE will more than likely feel desire again. But maybe not on the trip or the night out. Let her know that's ok. It's about connecting.

 

But, I inderstand it's difficult for you. You have needs. She does, too, but they are different from yours right now. Find out what she really needs to feel whole and balanced. Then she will be able to reach out to you. Think of her as being sick with a cold. You would take care of her, and put your needs on the back burner for a while.

Edited November 23, 2015 by blueskyday

[spanz1]

It's interesting how men think grabbing your butt is a complement of sorts. I hate this done to me. It's like I'm a piece of meat or something. I don't mind him touching my butt but not grabbing.

 

Also choose your words wisely..... my friend told me her husband would rub her tummy and say 'my lovely jelly belly'.....he thought it sounded cute.

 

 

 

some women like it, but if she does not, do something else. the idea I was trying to convey is that you honestly are sexually excited still by her body...can't keep your hands off of her.

[Almond_Joy]

I kinda feel like in marriage it should be the hard direct brutal honest approach...like hey hon...Ive jumped through hoops, planned trips, Pursue sex with you, tell you your beautiful, love all your self percieved flaws, initiate sex...and you push me away, clearly dont pursue me or even trust my compliments or love for you....

 

No more of desperate husbands doing backflips to please women that wont help themselves. I am reading more and more of this here and its heartbreaking. Your showing so much love and patience and it is not fair to co continuously be pushed away.

 

Co-sign this. You and your wife have a solid communication dynamic, and you seem to be a straightforward/candid communicator anyway.

[privategal]

I just feel like you tell her directly your not happy and she needs to change. That gentle loving approach is getting you nowhere. Don't let it continue. As I said list the ways you've tried to help in a factual manner and tell her you've had enough. Either she addresses it, chsnges, or Id bring up seperation. Let her know...I love you but Im frankly over it. You aren't satisfied. That matters too. Speak up...be clear its unacceptable. Be firm.

[daveuk88]

Thanks all for your replies. I've made some decisions, I won't mention cosmetic surgery for obvious reasons like some of you mentioned.

 

There were a lot of different suggestions but I think I agree with the more recent ones about being direct and upfront.

 

Personally I'm now at the point where I'm spending more time researching depression treating methods - in secret - as this is having a massive effect on me. I've only 'confessed' to depression once before when I had a business that was failing (my fault), which she became abusive around to the point of encouraging friends to 'take the piss' and mock the situation. This was made worse as these 'friends' were registered mental health nurses, my wife a psychiatric carer too...

 

Anyway I digress, I'm going to wait until after Christmas/New Year before I have this conversation as I think it may be a case of final decisions are made..

 

We have 3 kids together, assets, mutual friends and we both come from families where marriages last lifetimes. I think a split would cause a huge fall out, I do desperate want things to work but reading other threads it really drills home that if a marriage is failing then it's failing - especially given we are both in our 20's.

 

I'll let you know how things go - and thanks again!

[AspenBaldwin]

The way I see it you have 3 choices:

 

1- Surgery.

 

2- Shrink.

 

3- Lights off during sex.

[juicygirl]

Try spending time with her and take sex off the table for now. Every time you have alone time without the kids she might feel pressured to do the deed. So have a few trips without it and just try to connect. Love up on her without it having to lead somewhere. Cuddle,kiss and massage without it going in to sexy zone. Let her get comfortable again. Maybe she's using the kids to cock block you.

 

My ex made the comment "I wouldn't mind if you had a boob job" after our baby? That didn't go down to well with me. If your wife brings up surgery fine but please don't bring it up. It would have been better if he offered to go to the gym with me.

 

Lastly talk to her about it.

 

Wishing you luck.

Edited December 5, 2015 by juicygirl
can't spell and my grammar is ****.

[Winterina]

Hmmm... maybe in this situation she would react more to you feeling rejected and depressed because of it.

So instead to focus the conversation on her self esteem, focus on yourself and try and get her to see what it does to you.

In this conversation slip a few words here and there like "you think you are not attractive any more to me but I find you as attractive as ever, it is just that you do not find me attractive any more and it is really getting to me".

If she is a carer then she will get it, you will not have to use any confrontation about herself and her body and will take the focus off of that while still getting your message through.

On the other hand, maybe she is like many women out there who lose their sex drive after a childbirth for a year or two. I heard of the case where it came back too