was your head in the sand??

[Joie]

Like others I look back and can't believe I missed the signs. But up until I found out about the A I never had a reason to doubt my H. If he said he was at work I just assumed he was at work. I also think I spent a lot of time ignoring the present and looking back on the past. I would remember the happy times and think everything was fine when everything was obviously falling apart. I will say I did NOT know about the A. I was completely shocked. Sometimes I think I had to know at some level but then I remember the feeling the moment I found out and I know that no matter how many signs there were I truly did not know.

 

Also, for us it wasn't that one day my H became of different person it was little things that happened slowly over time. It was until the A ended and he was back fully in the marriage that I realized how far gone he actually was.

[Ironpyrites]

as many of us do I suppose, I am sitting here and have re thought about things and wondered if any of you have felt the same?

 

 

looking back on the past before your d day, did things happen and when you suspected something and confronted WS (not knowing they were wayward at the time) did you believe them because you loved them and thought that there was no way they would deceive you?

 

 

I am sorry if this is confusing - I know what I want to say but finding it hard to put into print.

 

 

now, looking back, for me, there were things over the years that happened and I was told that there was nothing going on etc etc but now, I see that they were red flags and if feel like I have been a fool for so long.

 

 

I believed what was said to me because I loved him and couldn't imagine him being a liar and cheat.........

 

 

interested in others views........

I did confront my wife when the odd strange FB message was found, at one point the other mans wife found out and was going to contact me so my wife panicked and told me his wife thought they were having and affair but she just mental and she might try to contact me. The affair then went on for another year and a half after his wife found out (nice eh?). Just remember its easy to deceive people who love and trust them and nearly always think, no way not my baby it just couldn't happen. Its their selfish lies that are at fault, not head in the sand, maybe in the clouds a little because you love them?

[Minnie09]

My mm's W's head is clearly in the sand.

He's in his 2nd A. The first one was shorter and they had a dday, so you would think she is now on high alert. Nope. His current A (with me) is LT (2+ years so far), and he's not even hiding it much. I don't know how he gets away with it. I wait every day for the house of cards to collapse. I've been suspecting that she has her own A (but apparently she doesn't) or that they have an open M (not the case). She is very much in love with him. He's leading the perfect double life. Odd.

Therefore, I am reading this thread with great interest, because I can't understand what's going on behind the scenes. I'm glad I'm single. I wouldn't be able to pull it off as a Mow.....I would be too stressed out. At the same time, I am convinced that as a BS I would notice at least something.

[minimariah]

My mm's W's head is clearly in the sand.

He's in his 2nd A. The first one was shorter and they had a dday, so you would think she is now on high alert.

 

how do you know that's the truth?

 

At the same time, I am convinced that as a BS I would notice at least something.

 

i believe we all like to think that - it's a defense mechanism.

 

in my opinion, MOST betrayed spouses do notice something is OR was up. they have that inner voice, gut feeling, uneasiness they carry around every single day... but the affair is usually the last thing that comes to mind. why? love, trust. they can't believe that it's happening to THEM and their life. admitting something is going on requires confronting it which again means that you're going to face a LOT of pain.

 

especially if everything is good and nice at home (which is actually a more common scenario) - their partner still tells them that they love them, they still f@ck them like there is no tomorrow, they still occasionally grab their a*s in passing whispering the dirty words in their ears, they still surprise them with small signs of affection, they still pay attention... they nurture that primary relationship. & when the affair doesn't have any deeper emotions - it gets even harder to notice it on the cheating spouse... because in order to notice something is up - you gotta have a noticeable change in the behavior. if you don't have that? you probably won't notice a thing.

 

on topic -- i must say... no offense to anyone, but i'm always surprised when people are surprised at being cheated on. i understand being in love and trusting the one you love, but... maybe i'm a chronic pessimist but i don't put the affair past anyone. the perfect storm might happen, some kind of moment of weakness or simply meeting the Fatal One... and here we go.

 

so while i did trust and love my then husband - i did notice something was up and my immediate suspicion was the affair. i confronted & we dealt with it really fast. there was attempted gaslight, lies and sugarcoating but the fact that i even had a DOUBT was more than enough for me to walk.

 

that being said - OP, please don't feel bad for not knowing or noticing. unless you're a chronic pessimist like myself and always on the lookout for what's the next horrible thing that might have happened... it's pretty normal to think that the person you love won't betray you that way. learn what you can from experience and move on. love is always a risk anyway.

[Minnie09]

how do you know that's the truth?

 

Because we have discussed it in detail. He told me what was going on back then and how it developed, and how and why it eventually ended. I know the details and I have seen evidence (not that I asked for it). Also, I wouldn't see the purpose of a lie of that type. I have no knowledge whatsoever of his past, his social circles, anything.......he could just NOT tell me about it. Why bring it up in the first place and then lie about it? Please enlighten me if I am missing something. I am always wiling to learn and look at aspects that I have not considered.

 

........

 

especially if everything is good and nice at home (which is actually a more common scenario) - their partner still tells them that they love them, they still f@ck them like there is no tomorrow, they still occasionally grab their a*s in passing whispering the dirty words in their ears, they still surprise them with small signs of affection, they still pay attention... they nurture that primary relationship. & when the affair doesn't have any deeper emotions - it gets even harder to notice it on the cheating spouse... because in order to notice something is up - you gotta have a noticeable change in the behavior. if you don't have that? you probably won't notice a thing.

 

true - that is probably it right there

 

on topic -- i must say... no offense to anyone, but i'm always surprised when people are surprised at being cheated on. i understand being in love and trusting the one you love, but... maybe i'm a chronic pessimist but i don't put the affair past anyone. the perfect storm might happen, some kind of moment of weakness or simply meeting the Fatal One... and here we go.

 

exactly - I am the same way - that's why I cannot believe how it can go unnoticed even for a week

 

 

 

The only reason I can see that makes sense with regards to "ignoring/not noticing" a SO's EMA is that the BS has their own A. Anything else just hasn't made any sense to me ever. OTOH, if you're super happy with your life and M, and how things are in general, maybe you just don't ask questions. Some people are generally more optimisitic and expect the best. Some are pessimistic and expect the worst, and are therefore always on high alert.

But in reply to the OP's question (and title question of the thread), I think many BSs, if they answer honestly, must admit their head was in the sand.

Edited November 25, 2015 by Minnie09

[minimariah]

Also, I wouldn't see the purpose of a lie of that type.

 

lies don't really need or usually have a good purpose. the "well, why would he lie to me?" way of thinking fails every time because lies are, in general, unnecessary. people don't lie when they have a good reason for it - they lie when they have some kind of hidden agenda to protect or sometimes... out of boredom. instead of asking why would he lie - why would he bring it up at all? why would he even open that subject, let alone went to those lengths of showing you the evidence of his wife knowing about the affair... you DIDN'T ask for? you don't need a reason to lie - people just... lie. if i was your MM - i'd sell you the story in an effort to make you less sensitive to the wife & more open to the affair, in an effort to demonize the wife and make it seem as if she's closing her eyes on purpose. people do that when they feel the other side slipping away.

 

even if she DOES know about the 1st affair - i assume she got the usual amount of sugarcoating and gaslight so there is that.

 

also -- being super in love with someone and closing your eyes about them cheating doesn't go together. she either isn't in love with him at all OR she's in love with him but believes he is dedicated to the marriage... especially if he keeps up the good front (great sex, affection, spending time together & that usual stuff).

 

i don't know anything about your situation - just telling you to take everything he says with a grain of salt. not the affair itself - but his wife knowing about it... remember, you only know one side of the story from a person who is a proven liar.

 

Anything else just hasn't made any sense to me ever.

 

there are a lot of reasons, really -- when we talk about ignoring the affair & staying in the marriage. think about it this way - why is it acceptable for the MM to have an affair and THAT you can understand but you can't understand a BS staying in that marriage for the very same reason the MM is? because they are both doing the same thing, really. they are both staying in that marriage for the SAME reasons. so why is it okay when a MM does it but it's a shocker when the BS does it? the only difference is that one of them is having an affair.

 

OTOH, if you're super happy with your life and M, and how things are in general, maybe you just don't ask questions.

 

not really about asking questions - you can ask questions all you want, how useful is that if you're getting lies as answers? also - you can be careful and watch all you want - how useful is that if you're being lied to and gaslighted and if your WS doesn't show any change? how will you know if you're being cheated on if there isn't a negative (or any other) change in your relationship or marriage? what will be the give away sign if he keeps watching you with lust in his eyes, sleeping with you, doing little things, telling you all is good....? a lot of people think it's about spending time and texting but - for someone who is on the phone 24/7 (like i am, for example) & who travels A LOT (like i am) - i could easily get away with texting all the time with my lover and taking him to extensive trips without my partner having the slightest idea.

 

you know? the view is very different looking from outside in.

 

the affair usually takes time to develop. that's why it's impossible for you to crack it in a week. also - for those in the A... they ALWAYS wonder about the BS not noticing because it seems obvious from their point of view.

 

head in the sand is a really weird expression. most BS know something is up but they don't have the head in the sand - because they don't ever think about the partner betraying them with the affair. you don't expect your closest person to stab you in the back and put your health on the line that way. you trust them. you love them.

 

so that's due to them being naive, not ignoring and keeping their head in the sand. also - affair being out in the open means nothing because you never know what is being said to the other person. i know a man who kept cheating his wife very openly with an OW he convinced was his cousin. so folks come up with a lot of imaginative lies.

 

the thing that i personally do not understand - when the WS does show a change. sex life stops. affection stops. he or she are on the phone all the time, the locks are there, passwords are on. business trips are suddenly longer than usual, work hours are longer than usual. WS pays more attention to their appearance. --- many BS completely miss all of this. ALL OF IT. and even when they do notice it - they assume it's due to stress or something else and DO NOT ask. or voice concern. or anything else, really. and when the affair is out in the open, it's like - I KNEW IT.

 

i know a lot of wives who don't ask or care about their husbands being away. they enjoy the lifestyle & that's good enough for them. they actually enjoy the husbands being away and them doing their own thing. same for the men. i call that keeping the head in the sand. when you don't ask but don't particularly care either.

 

p.s. a lot of things i wrote in general, it was nothing about you or to you and your situation... my sentences may come out as harsh so please don't take offense to anything, i don't mean harm just rambling and thinking out loud lol

Edited November 25, 2015 by minimariah

[OneLov]

as many of us do I suppose, I am sitting here and have re thought about things and wondered if any of you have felt the same?

 

 

looking back on the past before your d day, did things happen and when you suspected something and confronted WS (not knowing they were wayward at the time) did you believe them because you loved them and thought that there was no way they would deceive you?

 

 

I am sorry if this is confusing - I know what I want to say but finding it hard to put into print.

 

 

now, looking back, for me, there were things over the years that happened and I was told that there was nothing going on etc etc but now, I see that they were red flags and if feel like I have been a fool for so long.

 

 

I believed what was said to me because I loved him and couldn't imagine him being a liar and cheat.........

 

 

interested in others views........

 

Don't feel like a fool. If trust makes people fools then the world is full of idiots. You played your part by trusting and loving him like anyone who committed themselves to another should. Even though you may have scratched your head at his lame answers prior to finding out, you held your tounge because you loved and respected him. Love is trust. If you didn't believe a single word he said (prior to him giving you a reason not to), I'd say you'd be fool for not trusting your partner for no reason.

 

You're not a fool; you are being a honorable and loving wife. Please don't look inside yourself for answers because they're all with him. You need to accept that you had no duty or responsibility to "see this coming." I disagree you had "your head in the sand" because that implies idleness when action should be taken. Please believe me when I say you need to accept there is nothing you could or should have done differently.

 

OneLov