Will it last?

[gettingstronger]

i will respectfully disagree.

 

both parties WANTING to reconcile doesn't mean that they actually WILL reconcile. sure, most marriages do last and couples stay together - but staying together and actually reconciling are two different things.

 

i also don't agree with your statement that they end up better and stonger - i think in most cases, phrases like that are nothing but a coping mechanism.

 

and finally -- i disagree with your last statement. my experiences show that people fall apart finally around 4th or 5th year from reconciliation... so it's definitely not true that they fall right away or no way.

 

true reconciliation is RARE & even if you do reconcile - that relationship is forever damaged and you gotta learn how to live with it.

 

so no... the odds are most definitely not in their favor.

 

 

 

What you believe usually depends on what fits your narrative- either way, it does not matter- happy/unhappy and by whose definition- he is still unavailable to you full time, he has still made his choice and its in your best interest to stop worrying about their marriage and get about the business of your life-

[minimariah]

...he is still unavailable to you full time, he has still made his choice and its in your best interest to stop worrying about their marriage and get about the business of your life-

 

who is? i'm not & was never the OW. was your post meant for the OP?

[gettingstronger]

who is? i'm not & was never the OW. was your post meant for the OP?

 

Well of course it was- she is the OP, so advice is directed at her-

[minimariah]

What you believe usually depends on what fits your narrative-

 

this AND on your experiences - on what you see and hear around you. so if you have a lot of fake R marriages around you... you won't be so optimistic.

 

Well of course it was- she is the OP, so advice is directed at her-

 

ohhh, sorry. you quoted me so i thought it was for me.

[yodelwithyu]

I should also mention that I stumbled on the term hysterical bonding over the weekend and the thought of that has ruined any recovery I have made over the last three months.

 

I nearly threw up on my laptop when I first read about hysterical bonding. All the thoughts were horrible at first, but then I used them as aversion therapy for myself.

[BeautifulIdiot]

I nearly threw up on my laptop when I first read about hysterical bonding. All the thoughts were horrible at first, but then I used them as aversion therapy for myself.

 

I'm not at the aversion therapy stage yet. It's one of the very few times I've actually felt physically sick over something and even now I'm getting a knot in my stomach. I just don't even have words and keep trying to convince myself that not everyone does it so they're probably not. Not that it should matter.

[Dylon]

In many ways I am jealous of you. At least for better or worse you know that your mm has a process in place that will yield a resolution one way or another. My situation is so lingering and undefined, with no conduct from xmm one way or another. I would rather be in your situation than this abyss.

 

You can too, define it in your own terms. The OP is very broken but unlike others I've read, she seems capable to be at peace with her thinking. Wish you luck.

[ladydesigner]

i will respectfully disagree.

 

both parties WANTING to reconcile doesn't mean that they actually WILL reconcile. sure, most marriages do last and couples stay together - but staying together and actually reconciling are two different things.

 

i also don't agree with your statement that they end up better and stonger - i think in most cases, phrases like that are nothing but a coping mechanism.

 

and finally -- i disagree with your last statement. my experiences show that people fall apart finally around 4th or 5th year from reconciliation... so it's definitely not true that they fall right away or no way.

 

true reconciliation is RARE & even if you do reconcile - that relationship is forever damaged and you gotta learn how to live with it.

 

so no... the odds are most definitely not in their favor.

 

I have to agree with this and not just because of my own situation, but in many of my friends and families' situations. True R I think is very rare.

[ladydesigner]

I nearly threw up on my laptop when I first read about hysterical bonding. All the thoughts were horrible at first, but then I used them as aversion therapy for myself.

 

Not all couples will go through this. We did but my WH still took the A underground.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm not at the aversion therapy stage yet. It's one of the very few times I've actually felt physically sick over something and even now I'm getting a knot in my stomach. I just don't even have words and keep trying to convince myself that not everyone does it so they're probably not. Not that it should matter.

The chances are pretty high that they are.

 

A lot of cheaters continue being in contact with their OW after D-Day - they just get even more sneakier about it. Those are the types who are putting on a dog and pony show for the wife just to appease her. But your exMM has actually completely cut contact with you and that speaks volumes - it means he's truly putting 110% into his marriage.

 

I think it would be naïve to assume they're living like roommates. And quite honestly, deluding yourself like this just keeps you spinning your wheels and letting your life pass you by. He hasn't put HIS life on hold so why are you wasting yours?

[Ms. Faust]

I have to agree with this and not just because of my own situation, but in many of my friends and families' situations. True R I think is very rare.

 

Totally agree. Reading reconciliation stories can be just as painful (if not more) than reading D-Day stories.... but the ones who do truly reconcile can be quite inspiring. Too bad they are so few and far between.

 

 

 

PS: Ms. Faust- I love selfie bee!

 

Hehehe.... my husband sent me the comic and said "this is you".

Edited November 17, 2015 by Ms. Faust

[sandylee1]

Three months NC from him is a good sign for his marriage.

I also note that they don't have kids...so you know he's with her because it's about her.............not the kids.

 

When you're in the moment of an affair....it feels great....like heaven..pure excitement and bliss. ....it's only months or years later when you (as a WS) see the pain you've inflicted on your spouse and see how your actions have transformed them....that you realise it should have never happened.

 

For the WS to have true remorse...they would have to regret what they did......that regret is the affair/AP. There's no remorse without regret.

 

Now that doesn't mean that at the time of the affair...They felt it was all real..that they had great pleasure and that they were in love....but even without a relationship being an affair ...you can regret loving someone...or just wish you never loved them because they didn't treat you right.

 

It's interesting how the word mistake is used here ....because when the WS tells the BS it (the affair ) was a MISTAKE - the BS gets furious ...because you don't make a mistake for months and years. A ONS maybe ....but not a 1 year+ affair.

 

BTW. ... His wife will not believe there was no sex and he could have confessed or she could well insist on a polygraph. Most BS will not believe there was no sex if the opportunity was there. That's as long as there wasn't a physical distance of rivers and oceans.

[Ms. Faust]

I also note that they don't have kids...so you know he's with her because it's about her.............not the kids.

 

 

I also believe that an OW/M will underestimate (or not really think about) the repercussions of them having kids and the married partner does not. Adding children to the mix of someone who is not used to being around kids can be a very compelling reason to not fully invest into the relationship once the rubber hits the road. I followed a story of a very young woman who was having an affair with a 50 something who never had children. It was true love of course. He was planning on leaving his longtime (childless) girlfriend for the OW and move her and her young children in with him.

 

Which he did leave for her... and a year and a half later broke up with her in a pretty heartless way. He never moved them in. He never fully invested her or her young ones into his life. In the scheme of things, it's not surprising.

 

It's a sad truth that the presence of children do impede on relationships. Whether it happened in this case, one can only speculate.

[sandylee1]

I also believe that an OW/M will underestimate (or not really think about) the repercussions of them having kids and the married partner does not. Adding children to the mix of someone who is not used to being around kids can be a very compelling reason to not fully invest into the relationship once the rubber hits the road. I followed a story of a very young woman who was having an affair with a 50 something who never had children. It was true love of course. He was planning on leaving his longtime (childless) girlfriend for the OW and move her and her young children in with him.

 

Which he did leave for her... and a year and a half later broke up with her in a pretty heartless way. He never moved them in. He never fully invested her or her young ones into his life. In the scheme of things, it's not surprising.

 

It's a sad truth that the presence of children do impede on relationships. Whether it happened in this case, one can only speculate.

 

 

Very true......They may have chosen not to have kids for a reason. .....so why would he want a woman with children when he may have decided not to have any with his wife ..

 

Kids are hard work.....and if they're not your own....you can easily walk away.

[BeautifulIdiot]

I feel like I've gone back to the start. I cant stop crying today. I just want to stop feeling like this.

[BeautifulIdiot]

Most BS will not believe there was no sex if the opportunity was there. That's as long as there wasn't a physical distance of rivers and oceans.

 

There was for a portion of it and he constructed the story so that there always was. He told her we had one drunken kiss and after that it was all online. That is very, very far from the truth but in the way he constructed it believable. Obviously she also has no idea how long it went on.

Edited November 18, 2015 by BeautifulIdiot

[WestEndGirl]

There was for a portion of it and he constructed the story so that there always was. He told her we had one drunken kiss and after that it was all online. That is very, very far from the truth but in the way he constructed it believable. Obviously she also has no idea how long it went on.

 

Yes, I'm almost 100 percent certain that MM's W has no clue the extent of our A as well--what was done, what was said, the depth of intimacy between us. We have, after all, known each other much longer than she and he have been married. If his W did know, it would be very, very difficult for her to stay in the M and not hate him every day for the rest of her natural life. He's had to do damage control before, so duh! Of course he's not going to tell her the entire truth, given that he intends to stay in the M. If he intended to leave, he would have been completely forthcoming from the start.

[m4p]

Same here... xMM had no kids. Married his college sweetheart and together for more than 15 years.

 

His W doesn't know anything about our A. The supposed "D-Day" was basically someone saw us having lunch outside and took a picture for her. He lied about his whereabouts that day. She's not stupid too, she felt it was more than that. But he minimized our relationship and denied everything. Only claimed that we were close colleagues and friends. Spent the next few months doing damage control. I didn't expect otherwise though. We never talked about D-Day plans but it happened exactly like how I expected it to be.

 

First few months he did break NC. We went through and forth (no meet ups) but he called me with new number, sent email etc. It finally stopped a few months ago and we had been NC since.

 

I genuinely believe that he is remorseful. He was not truthful to W so some might argue that they are not having a real R. But whatever, it is a fact that he was utterly horrified and in pain by seeing how much he hurt his wife and me. The only thing bringing him back to the marriage is his love for his wife. It's a hard fact to swallow but I've learnt to open my eyes to that. Hysterical bonding, etc... I'm pretty sure it's going on. In fact, they are trying for a kid now. Sounds incredulous when a year ago we were inseparable.

 

So OP, hang in there. Don't dwell and know that you'll definitely still feel like crap from time to time but trust this is really for the best. Better now than later when you're even more attached.

 

Hugssss

[BeautifulIdiot]

Thanks m4p. I think I'll spend some time on here when I have days like today rather than with my own thoughts. They are not my friend. Stupid brain.

 

It sounds like we had a very similar mm. It's good to hear that this feeling right now (and the crying, and I'm not usually a crier dammit) wont last forever.

 

Thank you for the hugs

[m4p]

Thanks m4p. I think I'll spend some time on here when I have days like today rather than with my own thoughts. They are not my friend. Stupid brain.

 

It sounds like we had a very similar mm. It's good to hear that this feeling right now (and the crying, and I'm not usually a crier dammit) wont last forever.

 

Thank you for the hugs

 

The crying won't last forever! I promise!! I cried so much in the beginning I thought it will never stop. It was so ridiculous any moments I have alone I will be weeping. At work, while I'm driving, while I'm eating.... Let it be. Let it wash over you. You need to grieve properly anyway before you can move on. Cry until there's nothing to cry about anymore.

 

Can't remember the last time I cried for him.. Must had been months back. Recently I heard a song that reminded me of him and I froze a little inside, that moment passed, no tears was shed.

 

You'll be okay too. Think about your kids and the life you want for them and you. You'll be alright.

[Dylon]

Yes post here instead of being alone with your thoughts. I've been active here for a few weeks because of that. Reading stories and replying helps put things in perspective.

 

Concerning what the W knows and don't know. I'm that MM on the other side. Remember, this happened to us because we are a vulnerable mess too. If everything is open to the spouse, it wouldn't be called an A. Then you are not really the OW in the A. We fall for the OW because something that's missing in our lives or not right, and the OW find something in the MM desirable. You know your own story. Reasons vary but it takes two to keep the A going.

 

We understand it's a mess. The OW going into it knows it's a mess, an A is of secrecy and deception. It's a given and neither side should deny that from the start to end. At the home end, the MM needs to deal with the issues of the affair, dealing with problems and living a separate secret life. It's stressful, painful for any man with a conscious. Time was created when there was none. Sleep, work, and duty were sacrifice to create this deceptive world. On the OW, a complete emotional mess created from nonexitence hope. While the MM lives in the present and live this double life, he has the illusion too that it's never ending as well, also an unrealistic goal. Somehow, he manages to extract himself from reality and fall this the world of the affair, and the two build this world of their own, not knowing it's growing out of control and soon or later, reality sets in. It crumbles; the sharing, friendship, enjoyment, and the love need a concrete foundation to ground that dream. It was an illusion for both sides, a temporary fix for our needs.

 

I hope you do get through each day with lesser and lesser hurt. It's no wonder since very young we seek the comfort of someone in a relationship and eventually in a marriage so we don't have to go through the hurt of breakups.

[Dylon]

The crying won't last forever! I promise!! I cried so much in the beginning I thought it will never stop. It was so ridiculous any moments I have alone I will be weeping. At work, while I'm driving, while I'm eating.... Let it be. Let it wash over you. You need to grieve properly anyway before you can move on. Cry until there's nothing to cry about anymore

 

Really, the stupid mess we get ourself into. I'm grown man who rarely ever cried and with the A, each month, I cried more than my lifetime. Now it's over, I wish I can cry but I can't. There's no trigger from her. It's just a great release of pain. Let it all out. Hope you feel better soon.