Will it last?

[Ms. Faust]

At this point in time I would be ecstatic with his plan B.

 

Think of it this way: It doesn't work out with his wife. He leaves her and goes to be with you.

 

Wife moves on with another man in her life. He already told you he is in love with his wife. How do you think he will feel knowing his wife is now with someone else?

 

It doesn't end up a bed of roses just because he may choose you in the end.

[Dylon]

Yes it's horrible. The few times we parted and reconnected, we exchanged our behaviors while we were apart. She said the same. I still have conversations with her in my head daily. I dreamt of her last night and how I failed to pick her up. Hang in there. Keep posting. It really does help pass the time.

[BeautifulIdiot]

Think of it this way: It doesn't work out with his wife. He leaves her and goes to be with you.

 

Wife moves on with another man in her life. He already told you he is in love with his wife. How do you think he will feel knowing his wife is now with someone else?

 

It doesn't end up a bed of roses just because he may choose you in the end.

 

You see in my fantasies he's gone through everything he can to make it work, confirmed that he'll never be able to make it what we had (which of course in my head right now he already knows and he's just going through the motions to prove it to himself) and that he simply can't live without us anymore. Writing it down makes me realise how pathetic that actually is. God, I hate being like this.

 

My head and my heart are at polar opposites. If I was giving someone else advice I'd be saying all the right things but I just can't seem to move past wanting him. I'm sure it'll come. It has to.

[Ms. Faust]

You see in my fantasies he's gone through everything he can to make it work, confirmed that he'll never be able to make it what we had (which of course in my head right now he already knows and he's just going through the motions to prove it to himself) and that he simply can't live without us anymore. Writing it down makes me realise how pathetic that actually is. God, I hate being like this.

 

My head and my heart are at polar opposites. If I was giving someone else advice I'd be saying all the right things but I just can't seem to move past wanting him. I'm sure it'll come. It has to.

 

Are you and he NC? It sounds (from the little you have told us) that he is a remorseful spouse who is making an honest effort with his marriage.

 

The thing with reconciliation is that the end game is to remove the AP from their lives, help the WS out of the "fog", and build a stronger marriage. Though he may have told you that he loves you as a parting shot if they are in active reconciliation (and not rug sweeping) then he should be working towards indifference in regards to you.

 

Only time will tell if he decides the love he has for you is greater. As of right now it isn't. How long are you willing to wait?

[BeautifulIdiot]

We are NC and he is, the both are I should say, making an effort to work on their marriage. They are going to therapy both separately and together and want to make it work.

 

The whole notion of him working towards indifference towards me is one of the things that's eaten away at me. I know he's lied about the extend of what we were, even saying we never slept together, under the guise of not hurting her more than he already did. The more he tells everyone that we were nothing (his therapist, his wife and anyone else who might know anything) then that's what it will become not only to them but eventually to him as well. That kills me.

 

After she found out we were still in contact for a week to finish up work so we talked about things a lot then which is why I know these things. Since then, we have been NC.

[Dylon]

The more he tells everyone that we were nothing (his therapist, his wife and anyone else who might know anything) then that's what it will become not only to them but eventually to him as well. That kills me

 

No, it doesn't work like that. I wish it does.

 

What will you do if he contacts you? I'm not convinced that it's over though you are doing the right thing to do your best to let him go and let him work on his problems. It's the time for you to disappear.

[BeautifulIdiot]

What will you do if he contacts you?

 

He wont. I know he wont. The only time he would contact me again is if he's 100% free and available and how could that possibly happen in 3 months. He's (dammit I need to start saying 'they') at the start of a very long journey.

 

I also wouldn't accept contact from him unless he was 100% available. None of us need to go through this hell again.

 

If he were somehow to become available and contact me now of course I'd be happy. I dream of it every day.

 

Feel free to mock me, writing all of this down makes me realise how ridiculous I sound.

[Susmay]

My husband (fWH) sounds a little like your MM and the one that's posting here.

 

I had no idea he was having a long term affair, while he was having it. D-day hit, it was out of the blue for me, and my devastation was for me almost unendurable. I felt unable to function properly for a very long time, although it might have looked like I was coping. My career, my friendships and worst of all my parenting took total nose dives.

 

We went through a long period of "hysterical bonding" as it's called, although at the time we had no idea what it was and why our sex life was suddenly revitalised. It seemed to be the one area in my life that was working all of a sudden. I'm sure there are psychological reasons for that, and I've read up about them since, but at the time it was a surprise.

 

We are now many years past D-day and the OW is a blip in our past. I am a changed woman, and have a level of sadness, anxiety and yes bitterness that was never there before. My H is a changed man too. He is more attentive, not secretive and is aware of my triggers, so if he's delayed somewhere he always lets me know. He has remorse and on some level is grateful to me for giving him another chance I think. He still apologises for what he did and acknowledges it was never the right thing for us. He admits it felt good at the time though... (of course!).

 

Unlike before, we do things together as a couple and he has lost a certain arrogance he had during the affair years, that led him to have an attitude of "I can do what I like and I don't have to answer to you". It helps that in the meantime our kids have grown up, left school and are now pursuing their jobs and university studies.

 

We can't answer your question "Will it last?" (I assume you mean their marriage and reconciliation). Some marriages do, some don't. If your MM is truly sorry and remorseful and his wife is able to get past the affair, then it may last. If he keeps coming back to you, then that probably means it's a "false reconciliation" and their marriage may not last. It would have destroyed me to be in false R, and if I'd found out, then we wouldn't still be together. I don't believe in multiple second chances. She could have had him...

[BeautifulIdiot]

Susmay - I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Affairs cause nothing but heartache and broken people on all sides.

 

Certainly last time we spoke (1 week after D-day, 3 months ago) he wanted to make it work and she was willing to forgive him so I guess they have the best chance anyone could.

 

I am truly happy you managed to work through what happened to you and wish you nothing but love and further healing for the future.

[Susmay]

We are NC and he is, the both are I should say, making an effort to work on their marriage. They are going to therapy both separately and together and want to make it work.

 

The whole notion of him working towards indifference towards me is one of the things that's eaten away at me. I know he's lied about the extend of what we were, even saying we never slept together, under the guise of not hurting her more than he already did. The more he tells everyone that we were nothing (his therapist, his wife and anyone else who might know anything) then that's what it will become not only to them but eventually to him as well. That kills me.

 

After she found out we were still in contact for a week to finish up work so we talked about things a lot then which is why I know these things. Since then, we have been NC.

 

I've only just seen this, which is called gaslighting and if he reveals the truth to her bit by bit, it's called "trickle truth". In my opinion it lessens the chances of them having a successful reconciliation, which is good for you... yes?

 

Others may chime in about this.

[minimariah]

The whole notion of him working towards indifference towards me is one of the things that's eaten away at me.

 

sweetheart... he isn't working on his marriage if he keeps lying to her. while reconciling - the main goal isn't and shouldn't be to deny your feelings and an affair to the point you actually start believing it meant nothing. the point of reconciliation isn't to become indifferent to the other person - it's to work out the reasons behind that infidelity & to work on the failing marriage. the focus is and should be on the married couple - not on the affair and forgetting the other person. once you make a conscious effort to focus on the marriage - forgetting the other person and getting over the affair comes naturally with time... just like you forget and get over every other failed relationship. true reconciliation is ONLY possible when ALL is out. when people are honest to themselves (and your MM isn't) and than to others.

 

you seem to think that they are happily marching towards their happy end when in reality - they are probably going through hell right now. his lies and gaslight isn't helping. wait until she finally finds out the full truth (and she IS digging, trust me) - they'll go back to the start.

 

you don't sound like an idiot at all & you're not an idiot - but you are missing out on a lot of red flags from that MM. his definition of love seems pretty skewed. i think he got busted, was ready to leave and when he really needed to make a move - got scared and decided to stick with the wife.

 

if he comes back - please, pay attention to these red flags (his claims of being in love with two women but hurting both of them and the way he "protects" people from being hurt by additional lies; the way he denied you and threw you under the bus but supposedly loves you). take counseling, both of you and break that pattern up.

 

people forget each other - that doesn't mean that they meant nothing to us. we love and the love eventually does die out - every relationship has an expiration date, even when that date is death. so don't look at it - oh, he got over me so i meant nothing!!! - if he gets over you, it means he simply moved on.

 

and i am sure you'll do and feel the same way about him.

Edited November 16, 2015 by minimariah

[ladydesigner]

it absolutely will.

 

you are your own person with your own life to live. and when enough time passes - HE will become just that thing that YOU survived.

 

you will meet someone who will knock you off your feet and you WILL fall in love again. stay strong and focused on your life... don't wait for someone to come around to start living.

 

also - his affair probably WON'T make them better. it will actually make them a lot worse and create a very permanent scar that won't go away, only fade with time IF they are lucky. so don't think about it as in "poor me and they're going to have their happily ever after" -- the odds are not in their favor.

 

OMG can I just say I can attest to this! I will never have my "Happily Ever After" not unless I get a D

 

Hang in there (((BeautifulIdiot))) One day at a time, you will get there!

[EdibleWoman]

He wont. I know he wont. The only time he would contact me again is if he's 100% free and available and how could that possibly happen in 3 months. He's (dammit I need to start saying 'they') at the start of a very long journey.

 

I also wouldn't accept contact from him unless he was 100% available. None of us need to go through this hell again.

 

If he were somehow to become available and contact me now of course I'd be happy. I dream of it every day.

 

Feel free to mock me, writing all of this down makes me realise how ridiculous I sound.

 

In many ways I am jealous of you. At least for better or worse you know that your mm has a process in place that will yield a resolution one way or another. My situation is so lingering and undefined, with no conduct from xmm one way or another. I would rather be in your situation than this abyss. But I am sure the grass is always greener on the Planet of Hell that we've created for ourselves.

 

Oh - and I will never mock you. I'm in your boat, babe. Keep loving yourself.

[EdibleWoman]

He wont. I know he wont. The only time he would contact me again is if he's 100% free and available and how could that possibly happen in 3 months. He's (dammit I need to start saying 'they') at the start of a very long journey.

 

I also wouldn't accept contact from him unless he was 100% available. None of us need to go through this hell again.

 

If he were somehow to become available and contact me now of course I'd be happy. I dream of it every day.

 

Feel free to mock me, writing all of this down makes me realise how ridiculous I sound.

 

In many ways I am jealous of you. At least for better or worse you know that your mm has a process in place that will yield a resolution one way or another. My situation is so lingering and undefined, with no conduct from xmm one way or another. I would rather be in your situation than this abyss. But I am sure the grass is always greener on the Planet of Hell that we've created for ourselves.

 

Oh - and I will never mock you. I'm in your boat, babe. Keep loving yourself.

[HappyAgain2014]

He wont. I know he wont. The only time he would contact me again is if he's 100% free and available and how could that possibly happen in 3 months. He's (dammit I need to start saying 'they') at the start of a very long journey.

 

I also wouldn't accept contact from him unless he was 100% available. None of us need to go through this hell again.

 

If he were somehow to become available and contact me now of course I'd be happy. I dream of it every day.

 

Feel free to mock me, writing all of this down makes me realise how ridiculous I sound.

 

Please don't wait for him to contact you. The best thing you can do is accept that it's over and move on.

 

We all think our affairs are different. Our love is different. Our MM is different.

 

My xMM said all the right things and I believe he meant them at the time. He wanted just me, nothing else mattered, his marriage was over, blah blah.

 

When dday hit, all that was gone. He apologized but made it clear his concern was his wife. Sure he loved me but those affair blinders were off and I quickly saw where I stood.... Alone.

 

That was 2 1/2 years ago. If I had held on waiting for the fantasy we created, I'd still be alone. Instead, I recently celebrated my first wedding anniversary with the man I met after my affair ended. His words have always been backed up with actions. I don't share him and I'm not a secret.

 

That's what you wait for. Not a coward with a wife who's full of excuses.

Edited November 17, 2015 by HappyAgain2014

[WestEndGirl]

OP, I have worked primarily in male-dominated fields, and I've known my share if MM—way too many, to be honest.

 

There was the one who cheated on his W, on and off (short As) for ten years and is finally getting a divorce.

 

And the one who "renegotiated the marriage" for the sake of their kid--he has discrete APs/GFs, and she does her thing, too. They intend to divorce once their kid leaves home.

 

There was the guy who was having an A; he and his W seemed perfectly happy! They'd been together for almost 20 years. You know, model couple. He sent the W a "goodbye" text, moved in with his AP, who he'd only met two weeks before, and now xMM and AP are married and happy as can be.

 

Anything can happen. There's no one ending to the story. The people here are telling theirs because the A isn't going well, or it's unhappy. It's a very specific demographic.

[Ms. Faust]

 

Anything can happen. There's no one ending to the story. The people here are telling theirs because the A isn't going well, or it's unhappy. It's a very specific demographic.

 

This is true, but the OP was very specific:

 

Her MM is in love with his wife.

He took accountability for not paying attention to his marriage.

He decided to do the work to make reconciliation possible. He said he was trying, and it sounds like he is really giving it a shot.

He did admit to the OP that he minimized to the wife about having sex with her... makes one wonder what kind of lies he told to the OP? Did he really love OP? Or did he tell her that to help alleviate her pain? Sure, OP may say she FELT the love from him... but one's perception isn't necessarily a true reflection of someone else's feelings.

 

From what she has presented to us, and taking into account this is 3 months later, it's fair to say it is a strong possibility her former MM is in active reconciliation. The OP could be 3 months into her own healing, instead she is reading about hysterical bonding and getting her hopes up every time she receives an email notification.

 

It's quite true her MM can decide that it is not working out and leave his wife for her, but how long is she willing to wait for that? How long is she willing to put her life on hold while he rebuilds his? Saying anything can happen is true, but I think it gives her false hope and almost leaves her future to fate.

 

Anything can happen?

Something did happen.

He chose his wife.

Now she should be proactive in making something happen in her life.

[minimariah]

He sent the W a "goodbye" text, moved in with his AP, who he'd only met two weeks before, and now xMM and AP are married and happy as can be.

 

yeah -- you never know what goes on behind the closed doors. i know of similar example - we were all in shock (he left the W over an EMAIL) & commented how horrible it was to leave someone you spent so many years with in such cruel manner! later - we found out their marriage was a dead one for YEARS & they seemed so happy and were super affectionate in public.

 

you really never know and things can change in a heartbeat. for all of us.

 

The people here are telling theirs because the A isn't going well, or it's unhappy. It's a very specific demographic.

 

this is true.

 

there are two or three members who keep posting & giving advice and who are happily in an open relationship (or marriage) with their former affair partners. forums are usually an outlet for people who are troubled in this or that way, seeking comfort & experiences... advice. so that's not surprising.

 

however - like someone pointed out, something did happen in the OP's situation. he chose to repair his marriage and to stay with his wife. sure, he might come back. he might reach out again, wanting to re-activate the affair. he might appear on the OP's doorstep with the divorce papers.

 

the thing is... their relationship is over right now. is it clever to put your entire life, your emotions on hold because you hope something MIGHT happen...? no.

 

that's why the OP is getting the advice she is getting - the same advice she would get if it was a very normal break up of a very normal relationship.

Edited November 17, 2015 by minimariah

[m4p]

This is true, but the OP was very specific:

 

Her MM is in love with his wife.

He took accountability for not paying attention to his marriage.

He decided to do the work to make reconciliation possible. He said he was trying, and it sounds like he is really giving it a shot.

He did admit to the OP that he minimized to the wife about having sex with her... makes one wonder what kind of lies he told to the OP? Did he really love OP? Or did he tell her that to help alleviate her pain? Sure, OP may say she FELT the love from him... but one's perception isn't necessarily a true reflection of someone else's feelings.

 

From what she has presented to us, and taking into account this is 3 months later, it's fair to say it is a strong possibility her former MM is in active reconciliation. The OP could be 3 months into her own healing, instead she is reading about hysterical bonding and getting her hopes up every time she receives an email notification.

 

It's quite true her MM can decide that it is not working out and leave his wife for her, but how long is she willing to wait for that? How long is she willing to put her life on hold while he rebuilds his? Saying anything can happen is true, but I think it gives her false hope and almost leaves her future to fate.

 

Anything can happen?

Something did happen.

He chose his wife.

Now she should be proactive in making something happen in her life.

 

OP,

take the above into account..

Accept that he made his choice, so you should make your choice too.

 

Nobody will mock you for the struggles you have or the hopes you still hold out for this r/s. It's not like I never imagined a fantasy where xMM dumps his whole life and realise that I am his One True Love. Emotions cannot be turned off like a faucet just like that. But remember, you still have 100% power to take the steps to move on healthily.

 

One of my confidante, in a bid to help me, asked me to think of xMM as dead. she asked me to mourned him like how I mourned my loved ones who passed, like a distant and beautiful memory. I don't have to hate him, but I have to understand that this is a chapter in my life that is closed. Sounds morbid but it helped. I closed my mind to any hopes of him coming back to my life.

 

When you make the choice to shut the door, you made the choice to heal, then and there. So it's just a matter of when, and a matter of how much more time does one have to waste. Life is short.

 

Hope this helps for you. Take things one day at a time. Don't think of when you will get there, just think of how can you make yourself happier a little at a time. Before you know it, you are there.

 

 

PS: Ms. Faust- I love selfie bee!

Edited November 17, 2015 by m4p

[BeautifulIdiot]

Some of the advice here has been incredible. I woke up this morning and instead of my first thought being about him it was 'I need to start looking for my light switch'.

 

It's a small step but a huge one for me. Knowing I'm not the only one who is going/has gone through this and that I'm not entirely insane has already given me some degree of peace.

 

I've saved this link so I can look at this when I find myself failing and want to look at things from the past. I know I've still got a lot of healing to do but some of the comments here have really given me the perspective I desperately needed.

 

"Something did happen. He chose his wife"

 

That one has been playing in my head like a mantra.

[OldRover]

Some of the advice here has been incredible. I woke up this morning and instead of my first thought being about him it was 'I need to start looking for my light switch'.

 

It's a small step but a huge one for me. Knowing I'm not the only one who is going/has gone through this and that I'm not entirely insane has already given me some degree of peace.

 

I've saved this link so I can look at this when I find myself failing and want to look at things from the past. I know I've still got a lot of healing to do but some of the comments here have really given me the perspective I desperately needed.

 

"Something did happen. He chose his wife"

 

That one has been playing in my head like a mantra.

 

Good luck, you've just made step one. You WILL be successful. You only had a year with him. That's just barely enough to get to know someone, if you're with them full time.... and you haven't had the chance to develop a lot of small meaningful things that you do together..... actions or things that you would only do together that have meaning to both of you.... the little things that hold people together.

 

I would suspect you have not lived with him, in which you REALLY get to know someone.

 

So that's a huge advantage over living with someone for 2 or 3 years or more.

 

Now, get active. Date, but cautiously. You may meet someone in a similar situation and could lean on each other for support. But mention your situation to your dates, so they know up front if they want to put time when you're probably in a rebound stage. And, exercise... stay in shape and eat well, and drink little.

 

If you get REALLY down, depressed or get anxiety.... have your Dr. prescribe some meds... they really help a LOT.

 

All the above will help with healing and I'd bet you'd feel 100% different in perhaps 2 to 4 months.

 

You ARE making progress.

[OldRover]

it absolutely will.

 

you are your own person with your own life to live. and when enough time passes - HE will become just that thing that YOU survived.

 

you will meet someone who will knock you off your feet and you WILL fall in love again. stay strong and focused on your life... don't wait for someone to come around to start living.

 

also - his affair probably WON'T make them better. it will actually make them a lot worse and create a very permanent scar that won't go away, only fade with time IF they are lucky. so don't think about it as in "poor me and they're going to have their happily ever after" -- the odds are not in their favor.

 

 

 

 

Actually, the odds ARE in their favor. People that both agree to reconcile after an affair, and work on their marriage usually succeed. And often they end up better and stronger. Something she should know. If it really isn't going to work, it will probably be apparent fairly quick.

[Popsicle]

Will his marriage last? Yes it will. Most definitely.

 

It may not be the happiest, but that doesn't matter, it will last.

[WestEndGirl]

Will his marriage last? Yes it will. Most definitely.

 

It may not be the happiest, but that doesn't matter, it will last.

 

True, that. It might last another ten years, it might last till the ends of their lives, but it likely won't be too happy. People trap themselves in their own circumstances. Never underestimate the power of "obligation".

[minimariah]

Actually, the odds ARE in their favor. People that both agree to reconcile after an affair, and work on their marriage usually succeed. And often they end up better and stronger. Something she should know. If it really isn't going to work, it will probably be apparent fairly quick.

 

i will respectfully disagree.

 

both parties WANTING to reconcile doesn't mean that they actually WILL reconcile. sure, most marriages do last and couples stay together - but staying together and actually reconciling are two different things.

 

i also don't agree with your statement that they end up better and stonger - i think in most cases, phrases like that are nothing but a coping mechanism.

 

and finally -- i disagree with your last statement. my experiences show that people fall apart finally around 4th or 5th year from reconciliation... so it's definitely not true that they fall right away or no way.

 

true reconciliation is RARE & even if you do reconcile - that relationship is forever damaged and you gotta learn how to live with it.

 

so no... the odds are most definitely not in their favor.