Porn-alongside infidelity....

[Cloudcuckoo]

During my husbands 4 year affair, he was also involved in interactive pornography through a variety of online mediums, including dubious 'date' sites, hardcore sites with interactive capabilities and even entertained internet prostitution through eBay believe it or not!

 

It appeared to me after dday they this period of increased activity ran alongside the affair, and the other woman, (by all accounts she was aware of this activity through her own clandestine 'investigations' and called him out on it), and the activity all round escalated to unreasonable proportions.

 

I'm not sure that his was a full blown addiction, but respectively, it was most certainly borderline.

 

I'm wondering if any other Bs's have been significantly affected by this facet of infidelity?

[gettingstronger]

Its all part of the ego stroking, power trip they buy in to- my husband also engaged in very risky behaviors and became nearly pathological in his lying- ick!

[Cloudcuckoo]

Its all part of the ego stroking, power trip they buy in to- my husband also engaged in very risky behaviors and became nearly pathological in his lying- ick!

 

I agree, it's all about ego, but the rate at which it can escalate and occupy every waking hour is quite frightening.

 

Not only that, but the depth of depravity involved is shocking!

 

How does your husband view those behaviours now?

 

Mine is now very actively involved in educating the pitfalls and long term consequences of the rocky road to porn addiction.

[Spark1111]

I don't think it's all that unusual.

 

Sneaky and Destructive risk-taking behaviors seem to feed into each other, whether it be infidelity, porn, gambling, drinking, prostitues, etc.

 

Yes, a huge, red flag of someone losing all control.

[Mr. Lucky]

even entertained internet prostitution through eBay believe it or not!

 

Other than how the participants connect, is there a difference between "internet prostitution" and the five-thousand year old variety?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cloudcuckoo]

Other than how the participants connect, is there a difference between "internet prostitution" and the five-thousand year old variety?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh most likely not Mr. Lucky. It's an age old 'profession' to be sure.

 

I was rather surprised at the medium in which he found it though, I mean, eBay???...goodness, you really can buy anything over the Internet these days!

[merrmeade]

I agree, it's all about ego,

I don't understand this. How is it all about ego? Isn't it just about arousal, masturbation, ejaculation, etc.?

[i am gutted]

I never knew about ebay! good god.

 

 

mine was on numerous porn sites, enjoyed it and seeing the history on the computer showed how often he was on there.

 

 

also, after finding out he bought a video camera (using another name to buy it ) has made me feel sick to my stomach and I wonder who he has videoed. yuck.

 

 

he told me he thinks he has an addiction......really? you don't say.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I don't understand this. How is it all about ego? Isn't it just about arousal, masturbation, ejaculation, etc.?

 

Of course, but it all revolves around ego stroking and self gratification is a considerable part of that isn't it?

 

I don't think it's 'just' about sexual arousal.

[Cloudcuckoo]

I never knew about ebay! good god

 

I know, it's quite incredible isn't it? Or was it just me being terribly naive?

 

Honestly, I was amazed at what can actually be 'bought' on eBay. (Under the guise of other 'items'...).

[Mr. Lucky]

I was rather surprised at the medium in which he found it though, I mean, eBay???...goodness, you really can buy anything over the Internet these days!��

 

There's no doubt the Internet is full of sexual content - hard and soft, straight and gay, normal and fetish, etc. And it is also handy for those wishing to connect with others, either married or single on either end.

 

But has the rise of the Internet and e-commerce been accompanied by an increase in the rate of marital infidelity? I'd guess not and if that assumption is true then the association between porn and cheating may be more casual than causal.

 

One way to look at this - if your partner has no interest in porn, doesn't necessarily mean they're faithful ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[merrmeade]

Originally Posted by merrmeade

I don't understand this. How is it all about ego? Isn't it just about arousal, masturbation, ejaculation, etc.

Of course, but it all revolves around ego stroking and self gratification is a considerable part of that isn't it?

 

I don't think it's 'just' about sexual arousal.

I think what you (or whoever) meant was libido rather than ego. Conjurs up a graphic image either way - the stroking part.

 

Okay, I don't mean to be insensitive. And although my H is crafty and used to shift his sex sh-t into different secret channels, I did catch that he watched x-rated sites, mostly photography disguised as art.

 

Well, I was looking at one of those sensational links on a stupid celebrity site a few weeks ago - you know, "THe worst Hollywood plastic surgery jobs," "Look at how ugly these icons have become," etc In one was a famous porn star. I read a blog explaining what made this definitely not handsome person representkklFor over an hour I think. I kind of get how men use it. I guess they're about the length of time that a man might masturbate. They also seem to glorify the penis. If some future generation judged us by these videos, they'd say we were phallus worshipers. The girl looks up at the guy as she's licking and stroking it. The dcamera stays on it most of the time. Maybe that's why it's stroking the ego (lol)?

 

I mean, in terms of content, video production, acting, they're terrible. Also the things people say about women just being objects is true. The men treat them kindly enough but also mechanically, lalmost like slave property. So they're gentle enough but tools for masturbation?

 

I DO understand it's a crushing discovery. I felt rejected, not good enough, not beautiful or shapely enough. And the sneaking around. I thgouht is it a psajid

 

I think the main thing is to find out why he's doing that instead of being with you.

Edited November 18, 2015 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

Of course, but it all revolves around ego stroking and self gratification is a considerable part of that isn't it?

 

I don't think it's 'just' about sexual arousal.

Sorry - my previous post has meaning gaps where someone dozed off, so to clarify:

 

My H did look at soft porn now and then during the affair and after. I think in his case it was as you say—self gratification for the purpose of ego stroking. I think that, rather than call it "stroking" in his case, it's more indulging and nursing himself. He convinces himself he's entitled because of imagined neglect or lack of appreciation. I It's BPD behavior and, perhaps, not what your H was immersed in.

 

Next, I decided to watch some porn - real porn - a few weeks ago and commented on that. I saw it as something a guy would do for self gratification, as you say, and much more. They are done entirely based on a certain formula expected by porn-watching men, it seemed to me. Dialogue, setting and "plot" are almost irrelevant but loosely created to serve the sex scenes. Parts of the formula:

- long footage (and boring) of in/out thrusting, probably for the viewer to masturbate alongside

- women having sex with women

- men ejaculating all over the women

- multiple partners

- dual penetration

So what I saw was women being treated like pets for men's pleasure. Women were portrayed kind of wild, bestial, creatures who crave sex with anyone of any sex. When they ejaculate over the women, it's like a stance of domination, of conquest. Everyone is dehumanized. Everyone has bestial sexual cravings that are acted out onscreen. I don't see it as healthy sexual expression.

[Cloudcuckoo]

Sorry - my previous post has meaning gaps where someone dozed off, so to clarify:

 

My H did look at soft porn now and then during the affair and after. I think in his case it was as you say—self gratification for the purpose of ego stroking. I think that, rather than call it "stroking" in his case, it's more indulging and nursing himself. He convinces himself he's entitled because of imagined neglect or lack of appreciation. I It's BPD behavior and, perhaps, not what your H was immersed in.

 

Next, I decided to watch some porn - real porn - a few weeks ago and commented on that. I saw it as something a guy would do for self gratification, as you say, and much more. They are done entirely based on a certain formula expected by porn-watching men, it seemed to me. Dialogue, setting and "plot" are almost irrelevant but loosely created to serve the sex scenes. Parts of the formula:

- long footage (and boring) of in/out thrusting, probably for the viewer to masturbate alongside

- women having sex with women

- men ejaculating all over the women

- multiple partners

- dual penetration

So what I saw was women being treated like pets for men's pleasure. Women were portrayed kind of wild, bestial, creatures who crave sex with anyone of any sex. When they ejaculate over the women, it's like a stance of domination, of conquest. Everyone is dehumanized. Everyone has bestial sexual cravings that are acted out onscreen. I don't see it as healthy sexual expression.

 

Interesting isn't it? You're absolutely spot on about the use of particular angles and stimulation in visual footage to encourage masturbation as well as the sexual elevation of masculine 'power', if you like, over the feminine.

 

I'm interested in how one affects the other during an affair, but that in itself poses difficulties. My husband was not capable (and I do mean capable rather than reluctant) of providing any profound light on it, other than statements like, "I was just getting what I wanted. I was selfish and having everything my way, including you, the other woman and interactive porn".Things are relatively uncomplicated in his world!

[66Charger]

I saw it as something a guy would do for self gratification, as you say, and much more. They are done entirely based on a certain formula expected by porn-watching men, it seemed to me. Dialogue, setting and "plot" are almost irrelevant but loosely created to serve the sex scenes. Parts of the formula:

- long footage (and boring) of in/out thrusting, probably for the viewer to masturbate alongside

- women having sex with women

- men ejaculating all over the women

- multiple partners

- dual penetratio

n

So what I saw was women being treated like pets for men's pleasure. Women were portrayed kind of wild, bestial, creatures who crave sex with anyone of any sex. When they ejaculate over the women, it's like a stance of domination, of conquest. Everyone is dehumanized. Everyone has bestial sexual cravings that are acted out onscreen. I don't see it as healthy sexual expression.

 

This shows the stark difference between men and women. Other than the porn addict or the "alternative" sex seekers, this isnt even close to true for men. If you are looking at porn with a juandice eye, of course you will not see it as "healthy" and anything carried to extreme is not healthy, but porn for the normal guy is a substitute when there is no woman in the picture at all or something you can enjoy with your partner. The majority of women I have dated have watched porn...with me. Bestial sexual cravings? That is a little extreme.

Edited November 18, 2015 by 66Charger

[Cloudcuckoo]

This shows the stark difference between men and women. Other than the porn addict or the "alternative" sex seekers, this isnt even close to true for men. If you are looking at porn with a juandice eye, of course you will not see it as "healthy" and anything carried to extreme is not healthy, but porn for the normal guy is a substitute when there is no woman in the picture at all or something you can enjoy with your partner. The majority of women I have dated have watched porn...with me. Bestial sexual cravings? That is a little extreme.

 

Of course there is the element of gender differing opinions about pornography, but I don't think mermeades particular observations are jaundiced just because she sees it in a formulaic way, as many women do, and I absolutely agree with her about the bestiality of some of it, so I would have to politely disagree with your observation about her view being a little extreme, and I am definitely not a woman who could be defined as, shall we say, 'unadventurous?',

 

But, even so, some of the pornographic places my husband visited were 'bestial' enough to make me retch. What is concerning is that during his affair, was the escalation and increase in the deviancy of his behaviour as a result of the plethora of material available to the extremes of porn concurrent with his use of his wife and his concubine as his little blow up porn queens, and what was most certainly borderline addiction?

 

I'm interested, is a bit like the chicken and egg?

[66Charger]

I kind of regreted posting that, because porn is for the most part, prostitution and is degrading to a certain extent. I guess, I just cant completely condemn something without being a hypocrite. Somethings, are completely unacceptable. There is a difference to being a heathen and disgusting. Not sure how a person who likes bestaility and crazy stuff is relationship materiel.

My point was anything INSIDE of the relationship could be healthy. Except sharing which is suicide. Anyway, I had better filter before those I respect take offense.

Edited November 19, 2015 by 66Charger

[Cloudcuckoo]

I kind of regreted posting that, because porn is for the most part, prostitution and is degrading to a certain extent. I guess, I just cant completely condemn something without being a hypocrite. Somethings, are completely unacceptable. There is a difference to being a heathen and disgusting. Not sure how a person who likes bestaility and crazy stuff is relationship materiel.

My point was anything INSIDE of the relationship could be healthy. Except sharing which is suicide. Anyway, I had better filter before those I respect take offense.

 

Thank you for clarifying charger, that makes perfect sense.

 

I agree, sharing is the beginning of the end in most relationships I would think, which makes being part of a triad without full consent or knowledge even worse....

[merrmeade]

I decided to watch some porn ... I saw it as something a guy would do for self gratification, as you say, and much more. They are done entirely based on a certain formula expected by porn-watching men, it seemed to me. Dialogue, setting and "plot" are almost irrelevant but loosely created to serve the sex scenes. Parts of the formula:

- long footage (and boring) of in/out thrusting, probably for the viewer to masturbate alongside

- women having sex with women

- men ejaculating all over the women

- multiple partners

- dual penetration

So what I saw was women being treated like pets for men's pleasure. Women were portrayed kind of wild, bestial, creatures who crave sex with anyone of any sex. When they ejaculate over the women, it's like a stance of domination, of conquest. Everyone is dehumanized. Everyone has bestial sexual cravings that are acted out onscreen. I don't see it as healthy sexual expression.

I tried to watch with an open mind. Rather than being disgusted, I felt more fascinated and, sure, a little turned on. Isn't everyone?

 

I knew when I did this it would come across to some people as judgmental and maybe even prudish. I was hoping to explain what I saw from the perspective of someone who had no experience with it. Anyway, I tried to describe without condemning and said what I saw.

 

So here's the thing: I didn't think of "bestial" as all that derogatory per se. What I actually said was, "Women were portrayed kind of wild, bestial, creatures who crave sex with anyone of any sex." And then "Everyone has bestial sexual cravings..." I mean isn't sex an animal urge? We're animals. It's just that in the porn scenes, the men seemed all in control and the women were swooning, moaning, screaming, semi-conscious, out of control with pleasure orchestrated by the men. And I felt like the girls with girls scenes were not actually lesbian at all but as if to show that they were nothing but sexual beings and it didn't matter who pushed those buttons. But I agree that my vocabulary was exaggerated because nothing in those videos was wild, dramatic or even spontaneous.

 

However, I'm glad I watched it and might do it again. It's voyeuristic of me like everyone else, and I'd watch mostly out of morbid curiosity. But you can't help but be turned on to some extent; men obviously more so. It's just that it wasn't interesting or pleasurable enough to start watching it regularly (though I learned a few techniques ). I get more tuned on if there's an overlay of real romance and a believable relationship builds up in a movie—a good movie. This was only about and for sex, pleasure and gratification.

 

And I think those men were creepy. In the ones I watched, they never seemed vulnerable or expressive of any pleasure. When they squirted their semen all over the women, there was no expression of release or pleasure in their faces. Expressiveness, which, of course, the men get the credit for, was only allowed in the women. At one point, I jumped between videos, comparing dick sizes to see if size made some stars more popular than others or if it was a casting requirement—that's how boring it was. Conclusion: all sizes but no smalls.

 

Anyway, this thread is about porn during infidelity, and it just seems to me that porn IS infidelity because your spouse is getting turned on sexually on purpose by someone else.

[66Charger]

So,, you were jumping from scene to scene comparing dick sizes.

For scientific purposes.

 

Okay

 

Just messsing with ya.

[merrmeade]

So,, you were jumping from scene to scene comparing dick sizes.

For scientific purposes.

 

Okay

 

Just messsing with ya.

No, I didn't get scientific until this thread. I got pulled in by one of those online slideshows about how much porn stars are worth and the richest guy was this short, fat, ugly old man. Started reading more about how his quirky style, bronx accent and sexual finesse have apparently endeared him to a generation. And like any good movie review, I wanted to see it and thought wtf, mm! You've never watched a whole porn video! The dick exercise was because his was freakishly huge, so I wondered if he was the king of dick size, too. He was. Hope this isn't t/jing. But I think guys also have performance issues based on size. Never understood that.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

For the record, there is plenty of porn where the men are the ones being objectified. Although there is less of this then the other way around for sure.

[merrmeade]

For the record, there is plenty of porn where the men are the ones being objectified. Although there is less of this then the other way around for sure.

Either way, I think it's the whole dehumanizing thing that stands out for me with OP's H's porn habits along with the A. You said he called it an addiction. Have you guys talked about IC for him with a therapist specializing in sex addiction?

[66Charger]

Your scientific explanation of porn just killed any viewing pleasure I might have...Ever!

 

Thanks Lady.

 

But to stay on topic, what he did would kill that "option" in a relationship also.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

This was only about and for sex, pleasure and gratification.

 

Of course! Were ou expecting something different in porn? Also you just touched on why I believe porn to be way more popular among men then women. There is just simply more men who can have sex with zero emotional connection then women. You want to see a connection happen, which will allow you to insert yourself in to that situation and thus turn you on more. Most men don't need any sort of emotional attachment to want to bang someone. I think most women do.