Mom letting 17 yr old daughter live with boyfriend.

[Mapper71]

My husband found out earlier this year that his 17 yr old daughter was living with her 19 yr old boyfriend of about 4 months. The kicker? The daughter was living with her mother in a rental house, but mother moved out to live with HER boyfriend and told daughter that she could stay at the house and get some roommates. We still don't know exactly who's living there, if it's 5 people or just those 2 because daughter isn't really overly clear with her dad on who's there and she's 3 1/2 hours away so we never see her. Her mom knows all, but she keeps everything from her dad. Of course, the mother is rarely living on her own for any time because she moves from guy to guy so often and jumps in to moving in with them. It doesn't help that daughter has thought she was an adult from about the age of 10 anyways!

 

Dad is trying to get daughter to come up and visit and daughter keeps saying she will but then gets very ambiguous about why she can't because of work or school or a trip to visit her boyfriend's family. She said she would come up around Thanksgiving but now says that the landlord is getting new tenants so they have to move out of the house. Dad asked if it was her and her mom that were moving or her and her boyfriend. Daughter said her and her boyfriend. Daughter turned 18 last month so can do whatever she wants now, but I don't know ANYONE who would let their 17 yr old daughter live with her boyfriend while she moved out to live with her boyfriend! My mom had a fit when I moved to be with my FIANCE at the age of 36 and questioned me about where I'd be sleeping! I mean that's over the top at that age, but 17 is not an appropriate age for boyfriend/girlfriend to be living together!

[TaraMaiden2]

Unfortunately, that was then; this is now. As she's turned 18, there is little anyone can do, without looking or appearing to interfere.

 

If her mother had primary custody, and agreed to certain decisions, and enabled other conditions to exist, maybe she thought, or perceived her daughter to be old and mature enough to handle situations like that.

 

What's done, is done.

Your moral indignation, sadly, is of little effect, because it's a purely emotional stance, and emotions are not either persuasive or relevant, when it comes to making standard life decisions.

 

Her dad just needs to be there for her.

What his influence is, will be better heard, if he is more of the 'supportive', and less of the 'critical'.

[minimariah]

it's definitely not appropiate but if she's 18, i'm afraid that you can't really ban her from anything. she's an adult, i'm not sure where you life though - in some countries, the age of legal adulthood is 21.

 

both parents should have reacted sooner.

[Mapper71]

it's definitely not appropiate but if she's 18, i'm afraid that you can't really ban her from anything. she's an adult, i'm not sure where you life though - in some countries, the age of legal adulthood is 21.

 

both parents should have reacted sooner.

 

Yes I know now that she's 18 there's nothing anyone can say to her, but when this happened at 17, it wasn't right. Her father basically has no say in what she does because he's 3 1/2 hours away. He hated the fact they were living together. However, the mother appears to want to be the cool mom/friend and let her daughter do her own thing because she's "a good kid".

Edited November 16, 2015 by Mapper71

[minimariah]

Yes I know now that she's 18 there's nothing anyone can say to her, but when this happened at 17, it wasn't right. Her father basically has no say in what she does because he's 3 1/2 hours away. He hated the fact they were living together. However, the mother appears to want to be the cool mom/friend and let her daughter do her own thing because she's "a good kid".

 

in my honest opinion - both parents failed.

 

her mother who left her alone in the house because she moved in with her boyfriend (?!) & her father who didn't react sooner (filed for custody) or tried to move closer to his daughter.

 

it is what it is, nothing you can do.

 

instead of trying to ban her from living with her boyfriend - i suggest you accept the situation and try to control it instead.

 

i'm pretty sure she won't last with the dude so this will end at some point - and when it does, her dad needs to step in and either offer her to move closer to you or him moving closer to her.

 

also, instead of begging her for visits - pack your things and appear at her doorstep uninvited. trust me, THAT works.

[Mapper71]

in my honest opinion - both parents failed.

 

her mother who left her alone in the house because she moved in with her boyfriend (?!) & her father who didn't react sooner (filed for custody) or tried to move closer to his daughter.

 

it is what it is, nothing you can do.

 

instead of trying to ban her from living with her boyfriend - i suggest you accept the situation and try to control it instead.

 

No, I'm over it as she's 18. Good luck with the father trying to move closer! Every time he did, the mother would up and move away. Once when daughter was about 3 (and they weren't together anymore) H got a job in MN. Daughter's mom said she'd move out there as well so he could be close to daughter. Told H to move out and she had to finish a few things there and she'd move out in a month. H moves out there and within a few weeks the mother says "Yeah I'm going to stay here. Enjoy your new job." Then when the daughter decided she wanted to live with H a few years back (probably because her mother had pissed her off at the time), she blindsides H with an email that they are leaving WA and moving to MN where she could get a job. That never happened but she did take the daughter and move to the ends of the earth WA to work at a Indian Reservation hospital. That was about 3 hours away from us. So her goal is to get her daughter as far away as possible from H.

 

Oh and I know this won't last! She's only 18 and hasn't begun to experience life. That's why the whole thing is ridiculous. Decide to live with her boyfriend (where I'm sure she thinks they are going to get married and all that) and 6 months down the road they get into a fight and then the drama of moving out and finding a new roommate.

Edited November 16, 2015 by Mapper71

[bathtub-row]

Her mother is a complete idiot. There's really nothing that can be done at this point except to try to stay involved in the daughter's life. The damage has been done and, unless she sees her life as a problem and wants to change it, it can't be fixed.

[Tayla]

not sure a step mom has any legal say. And since past history accounts for sheer animosity in both directions, I'd kindly suggest keeping your tongue clean and your heart lightened.

The best I can hope for is that as a young lady she rises above some contemptuous opinions that have been tossed her way.

[Mapper71]

not sure a step mom has any legal say. And since past history accounts for sheer animosity in both directions, I'd kindly suggest keeping your tongue clean and your heart lightened.

The best I can hope for is that as a young lady she rises above some contemptuous opinions that have been tossed her way.

 

Well she seems to be doing well in her life...at least from what we hear. Is starting nursing school, apparently has a 3.6 GPA. But just the fact that her mother is perfectly fine with moving out to live with her boyfriend (who I'm sure will be gone and a new one replaced within the year!) and allowing her daughter to have her 19 yr old boyfriend move in because he's a nice guy is just unbelievable. Even if it's him and 2 or 3 others. Still.....the girl was only 17 years old!! I mean I have heard of some people (no one I know) who after much debate allow a minor to live with the boyfriend's/girlfriend's parents but never just move in together.

[kgcolonel]

I would suggest the Dad get his A.S to where the daughter lives, visit and understand the situation. These situations rarely are good as neither of the kids are developed emotionally or mentally to be able to understand the consequences of their choices.

 

He should make sure the daughter is not in an abusive or controlling environment and to be clear that the daughter can at any time call on him for assistance. She will need a way out of this at some point.

 

It is too late to stop this without it running its course but you two should be prepared for a fallout whether it be to help with a messy breakup or an unplanned addition to the family. This is inevitable.

[basil67]

If she's doing well with her life - studying, good grades - then I'd suggest you don't worry about her too much. Sounds like a pretty sensible 18yo to me.

 

I'd be more concerned if she was living with girlfriends, dropping classes and taking drugs.

[Kovsky]

People who live together at 40 can be screwed up or screw up each other. Doesn't matter that she's living with her boyfriend at her age.

 

Besides, it's her life. She gets to live it the way she wants. Ever see the movie Footloose? Her dad can be concerned since he cares, but that's all he's allowed to do. He has to decide, does he hold on to the ideal he wants for his daughter? Or, does he let go and trust her to herself. Let go and hope that she understands.

 

If you don't trust your children, how will they ever become trustworthy?

 

Dad needs to loosen up.

[anika99]

No, I'm over it as she's 18. Good luck with the father trying to move closer! Every time he did, the mother would up and move away. Once when daughter was about 3 (and they weren't together anymore) H got a job in MN. Daughter's mom said she'd move out there as well so he could be close to daughter. Told H to move out and she had to finish a few things there and she'd move out in a month. H moves out there and within a few weeks the mother says "Yeah I'm going to stay here. Enjoy your new job." Then when the daughter decided she wanted to live with H a few years back (probably because her mother had pissed her off at the time), she blindsides H with an email that they are leaving WA and moving to MN where she could get a job. That never happened but she did take the daughter and move to the ends of the earth WA to work at a Indian Reservation hospital. That was about 3 hours away from us. So her goal is to get her daughter as far away as possible from H.

 

Oh and I know this won't last! She's only 18 and hasn't begun to experience life. That's why the whole thing is ridiculous. Decide to live with her boyfriend (where I'm sure she thinks they are going to get married and all that) and 6 months down the road they get into a fight and then the drama of moving out and finding a new roommate.

 

I'm sure theres a whole other side to the story that you don't know the first thing about and so why harp about things that happened 15 yrs ago and that you weren't there for?

 

It really depends on the law where they live. I left home when I was 16. My parent called the police and found out there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it because where I live teens can legally leave home at the age of 16. You say the daughter is doing well and about to start nursing school so maybe she has a good head on her shoulders and knows what she is doing.

[Mapper71]

People who live together at 40 can be screwed up or screw up each other. Doesn't matter that she's living with her boyfriend at her age.

 

Besides, it's her life. She gets to live it the way she wants. Ever see the movie Footloose? Her dad can be concerned since he cares, but that's all he's allowed to do. He has to decide, does he hold on to the ideal he wants for his daughter? Or, does he let go and trust her to herself. Let go and hope that she understands.

 

If you don't trust your children, how will they ever become trustworthy?

 

Dad needs to loosen up.

 

Yup she CAN live her own life. She doesn't even get a chance to be independent. She goes from living with mom to living with boyfriend. Can't wait until she's 20 and decides this is the love of her life (never having had a boyfriend before him) and gets married and then realizes at 21 that she hasn't even had a chance to get out in the world and then gets divorced! Exactly what my friend went through. Was a good student, got to college at 18 and met someone immediately. Got married at 21, never even having had a boyfriend before the guy she met. Realized how much she was missing, divorced him at 23 and went wild and then had several boyfriends, moved to New Zealand in 2003, experienced life there, met several more people before figuring out what she REALLY wanted and met someone and got remarried at 36 in 2008 and has been living the life she really wanted with this guy for 7 years now!

[Tayla]

Mapper71.

Project much?

Consider this, just as you have made poor decisions , a young person also gets that priveldge. So long as its not repeated and one learns.

My grandma believed its best to keep her sidewalk clean before telling a neighbor how to clean theirs. Sometimes she even offered to help them, being neighborly has its goodness.

What is your true intent in all this? Once that is brought forth... I think we maybe able to guide.

[minimariah]

So her goal is to get her daughter as far away as possible from H.

 

why didn't your husband seek sole custody immediately? why didn't he report his ex - wife to the authorities for moving the child away from him and limiting their time together? where the hell and what the hell was your husband doing that he didn't give his EVERYTHING to track down his child and follow her to the last corner of this planet?

 

you're putting way too much blame on the mother while completely ignoring the fact that your husband was an absent father - no wonder your stepdaughter doesn't want to see him. they don't have any kind of relationship!

 

Yup she CAN live her own life. She doesn't even get a chance to be independent.

 

with an absent father and a mess of a mother - she is VERY independent. living on your own with a boyfriend or a roommate actually IS independent. and with all of that, she is doing really well with her school and future. marriage won't stop her from thriving and neither will a potential divorce.

 

not everyone will have the need to go through the wild phase of life and not everyone need it to figure out what they want out of life. some people know very early and go for it. some only grow up after a crazy fest in New Zealand at the age of 36. you really can't predict what will or won't happen with her life.

[Mapper71]

Mapper71.

Project much?

 

All...the...time, thank you very much!

[Lurkeraspect]

I'm guessing you're just venting. Because if you or your husband were concerned, steps would have been taken a decade (or more) ago to get custody of this girl. But since you're here now, complaining about her mother, when she's now legally an adult, you must just be venting. This is absolutely none of your business.

 

It's also crap parenting on your husbands part, never seeing his kid because they are 3 hours apart. I'm guessing the freeway goes in both directions. He should have seen her at every opportunity.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm guessing you're just venting. Because if you or your husband were concerned, steps would have been taken a decade (or more) ago to get custody of this girl. But since you're here now, complaining about her mother, when she's now legally an adult, you must just be venting. This is absolutely none of your business.

 

It's also crap parenting on your husbands part, never seeing his kid because they are 3 hours apart. I'm guessing the freeway goes in both directions. He should have seen her at every opportunity.

 

If you check her past threads you can see he's just a total arse with the daughter.

 

But now "everyone's got a judgment that lurves and kares about her."

[Mapper71]

I'm guessing you're just venting. Because if you or your husband were concerned, steps would have been taken a decade (or more) ago to get custody of this girl. But since you're here now, complaining about her mother, when she's now legally an adult, you must just be venting. This is absolutely none of your business.

 

It's also crap parenting on your husbands part, never seeing his kid because they are 3 hours apart. I'm guessing the freeway goes in both directions. He should have seen her at every opportunity.

 

Yup it does go both ways! H went down there one weekend to pick her up and bring her back for the weekend. He was 15 minutes late because he got lost and caught in traffic on the way down (first time down to their place). What does Mom do? No way on earth would she even consider leaving a 15 year old sit by herself at a Starbucks for 15 minutes on her own waiting for dad (because they wouldn't allow him to pick her up at their house!) so mom and her boyfriend were going out of town, even though he called and told them he was on his way and was in traffic, they said nope and took her out of town with them. So he made a 8 hour round trip for nothing because they couldn't wait another 15 minutes or just let daughter sit there for 15 minutes on her own. BUT mom has NO problem allowing her at 17 to live alone with her boyfriend while she lives in another house with her own boyfriend! A 15 year old can sit by herself at a Starbucks for god's sake! Holy crap she spent time in a mall for 30 minutes by herself at age 13! The mother has thought the daughter was an adult from the time she was 12 years old so why all of a sudden the overprotectiveness?

[minimariah]

The mother has thought the daughter was an adult from the time she was 12 years old so why all of a sudden the overprotectiveness?

 

he's probably feeling guilty for not being involved in his daughter's life - that's where the overprotectiveness is coming from. guilt.

[Tayla]

All...the...time, thank you very much!

 

Your welcome. Pleased that you understand this flaw. Fix it. Its not something to have pride in. Take that energy and get to counselling.

[anika99]

Based on your previous threads your husband sounds lazy and whiny. I'd be suspect of anything he says about his daughter's mother because he seems like the type to blame others for his own shortcomings. In any case the daughter was just a few months shy of her 18th birthday when she decided to move in with her bf so mom probably knew there was little she could do to stop it. Why have a knock down drag out fight over something that is inevitable anyways.

 

 

I'm middle aged and I have a few friends who lived with their husbands as teenagers, then got married and are still married to this day. Not every teenager is a train wreck waiting to happen. If this relationship doesn't work out for the girl then she will have to nurse her broken heart and move on just like the rest of us did. No point in freaking out now though as everything may work out just fine.

[dreamingoftigers]

Based on your previous threads your husband sounds lazy and whiny. I'd be suspect of anything he says about his daughter's mother because he seems like the type to blame others for his own shortcomings. In any case the daughter was just a few months shy of her 18th birthday when she decided to move in with her bf so mom probably knew there was little she could do to stop it. Why have a knock down drag out fight over something that is inevitable anyways.

 

 

I'm middle aged and I have a few friends who lived with their husbands as teenagers, then got married and are still married to this day. Not every teenager is a train wreck waiting to happen. If this relationship doesn't work out for the girl then she will have to nurse her broken heart and move on just like the rest of us did. No point in freaking out now though as everything may work out just fine.

 

In this case, you have a mostly absentee father, am unsupportive (and hostile) stepmother and a mother who may care or may be completely out to lunch, more focused on her own boyfriend.

 

Is anyone shocked she's have a young common-law relationship?

 

Her boyfriend may look (to her) to be the only somewhat-sane emotional support she has.

 

Good for her for going to school.

[Lurkeraspect]

Yup it does go both ways! H went down there one weekend to pick her up and bring her back for the weekend. He was 15 minutes late because he got lost and caught in traffic on the way down (first time down to their place). What does Mom do? No way on earth would she even consider leaving a 15 year old sit by herself at a Starbucks for 15 minutes on her own waiting for dad (because they wouldn't allow him to pick her up at their house!) so mom and her boyfriend were going out of town, even though he called and told them he was on his way and was in traffic, they said nope and took her out of town with them. So he made a 8 hour round trip for nothing because they couldn't wait another 15 minutes or just let daughter sit there for 15 minutes on her own. BUT mom has NO problem allowing her at 17 to live alone with her boyfriend while she lives in another house with her own boyfriend! A 15 year old can sit by herself at a Starbucks for god's sake! Holy crap she spent time in a mall for 30 minutes by herself at age 13! The mother has thought the daughter was an adult from the time she was 12 years old so why all of a sudden the overprotectiveness?

 

So, he went "down there" once, he was late, it didn't work out, and he just, what. Stopped? His due diligence (as a dad) was over?

 

Reading back through the the turmoil of your past; seems your husband is a drunk at worst and a deadbeat dad at best. Granted, mom may not be the best role model, but really, at this point the damage is done. Best you stay in your own lane and stay out of stepdaughters business. Seems a wee bit late to be interjecting your concern and parenting advice at this point. Honestly, this young woman sounds like the smartest one of the group.