Mom letting 17 yr old daughter live with boyfriend.

[Mapper71]

he's probably feeling guilty for not being involved in his daughter's life - that's where the overprotectiveness is coming from. guilt.

 

No I'm not talking about him being overprotective, I'm talking about the mother being overprotective. No way would she EVER let her 15 year old daughter sit alone in a Starbucks for 15 minutes to wait on her dad, but at 17 has no issue letting her live with a 19 year old boyfriend, who could technically be charged for having sex with a minor because you KNOW they are having sex!

[Mapper71]

So, he went "down there" once, he was late, it didn't work out, and he just, what. Stopped? His due diligence (as a dad) was over?

 

Reading back through the the turmoil of your past; seems your husband is a drunk at worst and a deadbeat dad at best. Granted, mom may not be the best role model, but really, at this point the damage is done. Best you stay in your own lane and stay out of stepdaughters business. Seems a wee bit late to be interjecting your concern and parenting advice at this point. Honestly, this young woman sounds like the smartest one of the group.

 

No, they then decided the train was the best way for her travel and she came and went that way, which she hated, until she had an all out screaming match with her dad and that was the end of that last year.

[Mapper71]

with an absent father and a mess of a mother - she is VERY independent. living on your own with a boyfriend or a roommate actually IS independent.

 

But she isn't independent. She doesn't pay her own rent, mommy pays it for her so she can live with her own boyfriend and make sure daughter doesn't get mad at her.

[hotgurl]

But she isn't independent. She doesn't pay her own rent, mommy pays it for her so she can live with her own boyfriend and make sure daughter doesn't get mad at her.

 

Why do you care who pays her rent? You are not so what if her mother does. And since she is 18 all those burdensome child support payments will end.

 

You don't like so I Thought you would be relived she is out of your lives.

[Mapper71]

Why do you care who pays her rent? You are not so what if her mother does. And since she is 18 all those burdensome child support payments will end.

 

You don't like so I Thought you would be relived she is out of your lives.

 

My point being she is NOT independent! Independence means you don't depend on ANYONE to pay your way.

 

And nope, child support doesn't end. He has to pay until February (when she is officially out of high school even though she doesn't attend there for any classes but is apparently finishing one class online while she goes to college) and then has to pay half of her college tuition until that's done, which is going to be another 2- 3 years.

[hotgurl]

My point being she is NOT independent! Independence means you don't depend on ANYONE to pay your way.

 

And nope, child support doesn't end. He has to pay until February (when she is officially out of high school even though she doesn't attend there for any classes but is apparently finishing one class online while she goes to college) and then has to pay half of her college tuition until that's done, which is going to be another 2- 3 years.

 

Well at least she is going to school. Plus when they are in college they are not independent. I pay my daughter's rent, while she is in college. Her job is to study and earn a degree. And if my ex's new wife had a problem with that then she can bite me. But we pay all her tuition as well because he dad is a deadbeat much like your hubby.

[Lurkeraspect]

No I'm not talking about him being overprotective, I'm talking about the mother being overprotective. No way would she EVER let her 15 year old daughter sit alone in a Starbucks for 15 minutes to wait on her dad, but at 17 has no issue letting her live with a 19 year old boyfriend, who could technically be charged for having sex with a minor because you KNOW they are having sex!

 

Again. Absolutely none of this is any of your business. Your questioning this girls mother is pathetic. You are not there, your husband has been an (at best) absent father, this woman raised this girl. Not you, not your husband. Maybe there was a very good reason for the mom not feeling comfortable leaving her then 15 year old in Starbucks. Would certainly love to hear her side of the story.

 

Anyway, she's an adult, she's living with her BF, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about any of it. I'd find a hobby.

[Mapper71]

Again. Absolutely none of this is any of your business. Your questioning this girls mother is pathetic. You are not there, your husband has been an (at best) absent father, this woman raised this girl. Not you, not your husband. Maybe there was a very good reason for the mom not feeling comfortable leaving her then 15 year old in Starbucks. Would certainly love to hear her side of the story.

 

Anyway, she's an adult, she's living with her BF, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about any of it. I'd find a hobby.

 

Awww...but annoying you guys IS my hobby:D:laugh:

 

And quite honestly, everyone I've told that SD started living alone with her 19 year old boyfriend at age 17 because the mother moved out to live with her flavor of the year just shake their heads and say what horrible parenting and not ONE of them would ever allow their child to do that. That includes my mom, sister, friends and coworkers. Not one person has said "Meh, it is what it is". They've all said that she needs to stop being the girl's friend and be her parent.

Edited November 18, 2015 by Mapper71

[Lurkeraspect]

Awww...but annoying you guys IS my hobby:D:laugh:

 

And quite honestly, everyone I've told that SD started living alone with her 19 year old boyfriend at age 17 because the mother moved out to live with her flavor of the year just shake their heads and say what horrible parenting and not ONE of them would ever allow their child to do that. That includes my mom, sister, friends and coworkers. Not one person has said "Meh, it is what it is". They've all said that she needs to stop being the girl's friend and be her parent.

 

I never said, "it is what it is". I said; it's none of your business.

[BlueIris]

Awww...but annoying you guys IS my hobby:D:laugh:

 

And quite honestly, everyone I've told that SD started living alone with her 19 year old boyfriend at age 17 because the mother moved out to live with her flavor of the year just shake their heads and say what horrible parenting and not ONE of them would ever allow their child to do that. That includes my mom, sister, friends and coworkers. Not one person has said "Meh, it is what it is". They've all said that she needs to stop being the girl's friend and be her parent.

 

Well, people can cluck their tongues and shake their heads from the peanut gallery, but unless her dad is parenting her, you two have no basis to criticize.

[anika99]

Awww...but annoying you guys IS my hobby:D:laugh:

 

And quite honestly, everyone I've told that SD started living alone with her 19 year old boyfriend at age 17 because the mother moved out to live with her flavor of the year just shake their heads and say what horrible parenting and not ONE of them would ever allow their child to do that. That includes my mom, sister, friends and coworkers. Not one person has said "Meh, it is what it is". They've all said that she needs to stop being the girl's friend and be her parent.

 

Ohhh....so you were just trying to round up more people to bash the girl's mother. I see. Well sorry we disappointed you.

 

 

It is none of you business, neither you or your husband are in a position to criticize the mom. No doubt she made mistakes and is possibly still making mistakes but she's the one who did the raising of that child. You have no say and no business in it.

[MidwestUSA]

Based on your history of resentment and jealousy of your SD, I'd say your current issue is her having a twenty year jump one you in the independence department. Are you sure it doesn't bother you just a WEE BIT that the girl is enjoying time unchained from her mother?

Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MJJean]

I don't see what all the hubbub is about.

 

The young woman was months away from legal adulthood, her mother made a decision to allow her to live with her BF and other roomies knowing full well that once she turned 18 she'd be able to do so anyways, and seems to have been helping the youngsters out by paying all or some of their rent so that the newly fledged adult would be able to concentrate on her education.

 

I don't know what's typical where you live, but that just about describes every college student between 17 and 21 I have ever known. The only difference is that this young woman is doing it in a rental house and not in a dorm or off campus apartment.

 

My daughters are 22 and 17. Their father and I have been divorced for over 15 years. He wasn't involved after we split. The rare phone call and a few visits over a period of years.

 

My 17 year old works full time (35-40 hrs a week) and attends school. Her BF of nearly 2 years moved in with us last June. They're saving for a car and a place of their own. I heard my ex and his wife disapprove. I got a good laugh about that. Somehow, they think their opinions matter. Nope. Considering how much of a parent my ex was NOT, he can kick rocks if he doesn't like the parenting choices I have made or how my girls live their lives.

Edited November 19, 2015 by MJJean

[Mapper71]

Based on your history of resentment and jealousy of your SD, I'd say your current issue is her having a twenty year jump one you in the independence department. Are you sure it doesn't bother you just a WEE BIT that the girl is enjoying time unchained from her mother?

 

Could be, could be. Good point, good point.

Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mapper71]

I don't see what all the hubbub is about.

 

The young woman was months away from legal adulthood, her mother made a decision to allow her to live with her BF and other roomies knowing full well that once she turned 18 she'd be able to do so anyways, and seems to have been helping the youngsters out by paying all or some of their rent so that the newly fledged adult would be able to concentrate on her education.

 

I don't know what's typical where you live, but that just about describes every college student between 17 and 21 I have ever known. The only difference is that this young woman is doing it in a rental house and not in a dorm or off campus apartment.

 

My daughters are 22 and 17. Their father and I have been divorced for over 15 years. He wasn't involved after we split. The rare phone call and a few visits over a period of years.

 

My 17 year old works full time (35-40 hrs a week) and attends school. Her BF of nearly 2 years moved in with us last June. They're saving for a car and a place of their own. I heard my ex and his wife disapprove. I got a good laugh about that. Somehow, they think their opinions matter. Nope. Considering how much of a parent my ex was NOT, he can kick rocks if he doesn't like the parenting choices I have made or how my girls live their lives.

 

Alright that's your opinion, but I, nor anyone I know, would ever let their underage kids boyfriend/girlfriend move in with them in their house or allow them to move in together on their own.

Edited November 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed snide remark ~6

[hotgurl]

Alright that's your opinion, but I, nor anyone I know, would ever let their underage kids boyfriend/girlfriend move in with them in their house or allow them to move in together on their own.

 

So would you be less upset if she waited until she was 18.

[Miss Peach]

If she's doing well with her life - studying, good grades - then I'd suggest you don't worry about her too much. Sounds like a pretty sensible 18yo to me.

 

I'd be more concerned if she was living with girlfriends, dropping classes and taking drugs.

 

Agree with this. All you can do it not judge/criticize if you want to build an adult relationship with her.

 

I know it's not your ideal but to be honest you H probably could have done more earlier to be in her life if he really wanted to. If you file in the courts, in most areas it puts a restraining order on moving, etc. If I had a dad that I barely knew I wouldn't be telling him much either.

 

On the other hand. I moved out to live with my BF at the same age. We broke up a few years later. But I finished school, got good grades, stayed away from drugs/drinking, was a good kid, got a great job, etc. It doesn't mean she will screw up her life. Chances are in a few years they will break up and she'll move on.

 

Being in a divorced situation myself and helping many other people go through it IRL, I can tell you bashing the girl's mother won't help you or your H with a relationship with her. I don't care if the mom steals, lies, cheats, etc. It just won't help. Kids need to come to these conclusions on their own.

Edited November 19, 2015 by Miss Peach

[minimariah]

And quite honestly, everyone I've told that SD started living alone with her 19 year old boyfriend at age 17 because the mother moved out to live with her flavor of the year just shake their heads and say what horrible parenting and not ONE of them would ever allow their child to do that. That includes my mom, sister, friends and coworkers. Not one person has said "Meh, it is what it is". They've all said that she needs to stop being the girl's friend and be her parent.

 

you seem obsessed with your husband's ex - wife, to be honest.

 

you and your husband clearly don't really care all that much about the daughter because you really didn't trip over your feet in an effort to get to her or spend more time with her or even get equal custody. so why are you acting worried now? why did your husband decide to act like a parent now?

 

your husband's ex - wife did a really great job, actually. she was a single mother with an absent ex - partner & her daughter is independent + has excellent grades + is getting an excellent degree. what's the problem here?

 

also - stop gossiping about your stepdaughter and her mother to everyone who is willing to listen. it's so tacky and unnecessary. just leave them alone.

[S2B]

Awww...but annoying you guys IS my hobby:D:laugh:

 

And quite honestly, everyone I've told that SD started living alone with her 19 year old boyfriend at age 17 because the mother moved out to live with her flavor of the year just shake their heads and say what horrible parenting and not ONE of them would ever allow their child to do that. That includes my mom, sister, friends and coworkers. Not one person has said "Meh, it is what it is". They've all said that she needs to stop being the girl's friend and be her parent.

 

You gossip and make it worse.

 

You want solutions? Then offer to have her move in with you.

 

Criticizing isn't helpful. Offering to be helpful might change things.

 

Be the change you wish to see! Offer solutions to her!

[whichwayisup]

I hope that you all can sort this out. Your (step)daughter needs both you and your husband (her father) to be stable and be there for her.

 

She is going to make mistakes along the way, it's your job and her dad's job to support her and guide her, not exclude her and make her feel bad. she's in love and has a boyfriend, she's gonna do what she wants so you two can either get on board with her decision and make life easier and happier, or go against her and make her feel alone and abandoned.