Can't deal with my mother's dogs

[muffin]

I've always been curious why it seems socially acceptable to hate cats but if you hate dogs you're a horrible person. And why do a lot of dog owners have no consideration for others who are not comfortable with dogs? Anyway, I am NOT a dog fan. My mother and I have managed to stay close (I'm middle aged now) for decades but it's mostly been an e-mail or weekend get-together relationship since I've been an adult. For over 20 years now she has had some little barking dog in her life that has tended to come between us spending much time together. She had a toy American Eskimo that lived 12 years and then got another one before the first one died, that lived about 10 years. She never knew how to train them and their barking was very annoying and stressful for me to be around, I feel bad saying so but I was glad when that last dog finally passed and she had said she wasn't having another dog. I was able to visit my mom in her home in peace and we could have conversations and bond and I really enjoyed "having my mother back" while it lasted. Before it was just all about the dogs, they always came first. I realize she lives alone and she chooses the company of her dogs over people, even over her own daughters and a grown grandson she never paid any attention to all his life and any friends she has left. That's her choice and I don't begrudge her that companionship, but it's a choice that I have always resented. She knows I am not comfortable with her dogs but she just thinks I'm in a strange minority not understanding or liking dogs.

 

Now since her last toy Am. Eskino died she changed her mind and got two Pomeranian/Maltese mix puppies at the same time. They are like the last two dogs x100 with the barking and the annoyance. She's barely getting by financially and can't really afford these dogs either but she's determined to have them, and it doesn't seem to matter to her that it is so stressful to me being around them that I have just had to stay away and not see her much. I really tried getting to know the dogs and adjust to them, but the last time I was at her house I was so stressed out from the noise I felt like I was going to have a stroke. We couldn't even have a conversation. The slightest move or noise either of us made those dumb dogs went crazy barking, that high, shrill, really loud racket. And of course she just has to always have them in the same room with us. I sense she even gives off vibes to the dogs that anyone else but her is an enemy. They are the alpha creatures in my mom's home and I am an intruder...that's how I feel I am treated by her and the dogs. I can't handle being in that environment. I'm sure I'm a terrible daughter for staying away but I am trying to see and help my mother outside of the house whenever possible because I love and miss her. Trouble is, she's a hermit and never wants to get out, outside of her 4 day a week job, church and occasional errands. She doesn't seem to care if she ever sees me. It really hurts. Am I really some horrible ogre? Any thoughts?

[Tayla]

Wow, can't say what kind of daughter you are, let alone make such negative commentary. So lets leave that off the table:

So in essence the pets are representative of something impeding you being number 1 in your mom's world. You certainly are blood and deserve acknowledged in that way. Glad you stay in touch with her. Just like siblings, we as the children need to adjust to parental choices. What I read is that you do carry animosity, own it and find a way to decipate that attitude. I'm sure you simply feeling like a back seat relative.... and that is straining...

The pets provide her companionship... She works 4 days...gets out and you can be another avenue of kindness. The dogs can sense negativity in people... be more open when visiting or meet in neutral territory.

[d0nnivain]

You are not a horrible person but it seems that you may have no other alternative. Deal with the dogs or don't see mom. Could you drive her to Church & have that be your time together? I wouldn't want to be around mis behaved dogs either but if mom won't come out otherwise, are you willing to limit you interactions with her to phone & email?

[Myragal]

My mother is an adult and she can choose whoever or whatever she wishes to live with...it could be an obnoxious pet monkey.

 

She is under no obligation to appease my likes or dislikes...I am not a dependent child.

 

It is an overworked phrase but can be true...'there are deeper issues here'.

[preraph]

You seem totally unreasonable and selfish on this subject. There's no harm in having a couple of dogs. Your mother loves those dogs and you are surely mature enough to not act badly toward them or her because she has them. You totally sound jealous of them, like you can't have your mother share her love with anyone but you. I think you need to find out where this "sibling rivalry" is coming from and deal with it and not make it your mom's problem.

[Els]

Well, I can't identify, as I personally like dogs, but...

 

It does sound like your mother is a slight bit obsessed over her dogs. I know several dog owners and while they love their dogs, all of them are okay with spending a couple of hours away from their dogs once in a while, going out for dinner or such. If she NEVER wants to leave the room where her dogs are in, NEVER wants to go out of her house except for necessities... I think there is a problem and I'm not sure why this is being justified.

 

That being said, she's your mother, not your teenage daughter. You can express your concern for her but you can't force her to do anything. IMO there are bigger issues at hand here than just a couple of overly-excited dogs, but unfortunately I don't know if there's much that you can do about it.

[MJJean]

If your mom's finances are tight and the dogs behavior is annoying, perhaps you could buy her a treat pouch, a large bag of dog treats (small ones) and pre-pay for dog training classes as your Christmas gift to her. Typically, dog training classes meet an hour each week for 6-8 weeks and cost about $125 in my area.

 

Outside of maybe helping with training so the lil buggers don't get on your nerves, if you don't want to deal with your mom's beloved companion animals, don't. Arrange to have her come visit your home or spend your time together in a neutral location without the dogs.

 

I tend to stay at home for the most part and usually only go out to visit family a few times a year, do the shopping/errand running, and an occasional visit to a friend. I have 3 dogs and I have to admit I like them more than I like most people. I'm a happy hermit. So is my DH. Maybe your mom is, too.

 

If training with a pro isn't doable, check out this guy. Zak George is a wonderful trainer with many excellent dog behavior and training videos. This vid is on how to understand the barking behavior and how to teach the dog not to bark.

[muffin]

Thanks, MJJean, that was very helpful, and for those of you who didn't outright judge me, thank you. I can't believe someone (Preraph)would call me selfish and unreasonable just because I can't help being disturbed by continuous and crazy barking. Really? What would you people who think I'm completely selfish and negative do?? This is about being able to have a relationship with my mom that is not challenged by this obstacle. I'm not some child wanting all of the attention on myself and I don't think I came across that way in my original post. I simply want to be able to have a conversation with my mother, she is getting older and I want to have a quality relationship with her. I don't begrudge her the pets either, I just wondered if anyone else had encountered that problem and how they dealt with it. Again, thanks MJJean for your ideas.

[Maggie4]

Your forum name is a dog name!

Dogs barking nonstop is a sign they are stressed and not well adjusted. Do they get walked and socialized? Dog trainers can help. Constant barking is not normal dog behaviour.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I think you are responsible for letting your mom's annoying dogs come between you. It sounds like she lives on her own and the dogs are very important to her quality of life, and you are a middle aged woman with your own life.

 

You could probably work on your relationship with your mom. It could be possible for you to say in a good natured way that you'd like to go out to a movie or out to lunch but the doggies need to stay home!! And leave all the anger and resentment out of it. Try it??

[anika99]

Thanks, MJJean, that was very helpful, and for those of you who didn't outright judge me, thank you. I can't believe someone (Preraph)would call me selfish and unreasonable just because I can't help being disturbed by continuous and crazy barking. Really? What would you people who think I'm completely selfish and negative do?? This is about being able to have a relationship with my mom that is not challenged by this obstacle. I'm not some child wanting all of the attention on myself and I don't think I came across that way in my original post. I simply want to be able to have a conversation with my mother, she is getting older and I want to have a quality relationship with her. I don't begrudge her the pets either, I just wondered if anyone else had encountered that problem and how they dealt with it. Again, thanks MJJean for your ideas.

 

But you did not just complain about the dogs she has now, you complained about every dog she has ever had and even went so far as to say that you were happy when her last dog died. She was probably heartbroken over the death but you were happy. Every dog she has ever had barked non-stop and prevented any conversation? I find that hard to believe.

 

I think perhaps there was a time when your mother wasn't there for you and now seeing her devotion to her dogs brings up some old bad memories of her maybe not being that devoted to you as a child when you really needed her to be. Understandable but unfortunately her getting rid of her pets now won't undue the damage that was done years ago. It's not fair or realistic to expect her not to have pets just so that you can have her full attention when you visit. Like others have said, tell her that you feel like you can't have a proper visit with her when all of her attention is on the dogs and ask her to meet you for shopping and lunch or something.

 

Also lots of people tend to over indulge small dogs because they are just so cute and tiny and then those dogs take over the entire house and become little psycho terrors to live with so I do understand why you find them annoying as it sounds like your mom has spoiled them and caused some neurotic behavior in them. Unfortunately there is little you can do about that.

[SpiralOut]

I'm sure I'm a terrible daughter for staying away but I am trying to see and help my mother outside of the house whenever possible because I love and miss her. Trouble is, she's a hermit and never wants to get out, outside of her 4 day a week job, church and occasional errands. She doesn't seem to care if she ever sees me. It really hurts. Am I really some horrible ogre? Any thoughts?

 

That's concerning that she avoids leaving her house. Does she have some sort of anxiety?

 

 

The problem isn't really the dogs, it is your mother's refusal to compromise or to leave the house. What does she say when you invite her to go out?