Desperately need to save my marriage

[Rachael_30]

I desperately need some advice on how to salvage my marriage. I've been lurking on this forum for more than 6 months now reading your posts till the early hours in the morning whilst crying about my own situation at home.

 

So here goes...

 

We've been married for 6 years now, dating for 10, with two wonderful children and have been living a wonderful life till end of last year. We made a move abroad to secure a better future for our kids and for him to pursue his dream of starting his own business, I then started a new job as clerk at an accounting firm.

 

At the new job I became friends with an older male colleague whose marriage was going through a rough patch and we would sit and talk about it during lunch hours and the occasional whatsapp messages in the evenings. I honestly didn't think much of this and just saw him as a friend and a colleague who confided in me and someone I can talk to when my husband was busy working.

 

Last year at our Christmas party things got out of hand and my drunk colleague cornered me and kissed me on our way to our hotel rooms; I had to battle to keep his hands from trying to undress me. I was in complete shock and made a run for it when he was busy unlocking his door.

 

That Monday I went to speak to HR and requested to be transferred to another team as to avoid having contact with this man. She was pressuring me to press charges but I feared for my husband and decided to let it slip. I still regret not doing this.

 

A few months has passed and then in April this year my husband received a message from the colleague's wife on Facebook that we were having an affair. I had no way to contain the situation and heard from other colleagues that someone saw us that night and the rumor has been spreading across the whole office. We had a really bad fight and till this day we haven't talked things through. Whenever I want to talk about it he leaves and disappears for hours on end, even slept at a hotel a few times.

 

My marriage has taken a lot of strain and the trust is completely broken, we haven't been intimate since the Facebook message and I can feel my husband slipping away. We attended a few therapy sessions but no avail and he is adamant that it is only a waste of time and money.

 

This weekend has been particularly bad as he lost a family member in the Paris shooting and he doesn't want me to comfort him. How do I proceed or show him that he is my everything and I am willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild what we had?

[d0nnivain]

Will the HR department back you up about the timing & reasoning for the transfer? If so show him that proof. Apologize for the EA you didn't realize you were having and offer counseling or whatever else he needs to regain trust.

 

I'm sorry about your family's loss.

[Rachael_30]

You at the very least, participated in an emotional affair to the point that you gave signals to the OM that you were close to him.

 

 

Own that part. Present that truth to your H and ask him to openly discuss what he's able to live with...repairing the damage you caused or ending the M.

 

 

Sorry for the family loss in Paris.

 

One thing that I've learned from my married life is that trust is extremely fragile. I won't be able to talk to him so perhaps I should gather as much evidence as I possibly can and present it with a letter.

 

At what point does a friendship result in an emotional affair? It was never my intention and I never wanted to hurt my family.

[CarrieT]

At what point does a friendship result in an emotional affair?

The point where you were having lunch and communicating on WhatsApp, presumably without your husband's knowledge?

 

You said he was someone "you could talk to when your husband was busy." Well, did you ever tell your husband that this guy was confiding in you?

 

And WhatsApp is a *very* suspect application as there is no trace of the conversations so you can't back up your story. It makes it all look suspicious, especially if co-workers saw you going to lunch together.

[Rachael_30]

Will the HR department back you up about the timing & reasoning for the transfer? If so show him that proof. Apologize for the EA you didn't realize you were having and offer counseling or whatever else he needs to regain trust.

 

I'm sorry about your family's loss.

 

I have a meeting scheduled with HR on Thursday and will request to have a signed copy of the email correspondence we had regarding the transfer. However I did mention this to him when the news broke but it went unnoticed.

 

Would a polygraph be beneficial? It seems the more I am trying to prove my innocence the more I am pissing him off.

[Rachael_30]

The point where you were having lunch and communicating on WhatsApp, presumably without your husband's knowledge?

 

You said he was someone "you could talk to when your husband was busy." Well, did you ever tell your husband that this guy was confiding in you?

 

And WhatsApp is a *very* suspect application as there is no trace of the conversations so you can't back up your story. It makes it all look suspicious, especially if co-workers saw you going to lunch together.

 

You are right. It looks really bad and I messed up not being completely transparent about the situation with my husband. He was aware that we were friends but not so much about the chatting and time being spent together.

 

Do couples recover from this or should I embrace myself for the inevitable?

[Ms. Faust]

I have a meeting scheduled with HR on Thursday and will request to have a signed copy of the email correspondence we had regarding the transfer. However I did mention this to him when the news broke but it went unnoticed.

 

Would a polygraph be beneficial? It seems the more I am trying to prove my innocence the more I am pissing him off.

 

I am confused... You mentioned to your husband that someone almost sexually assaulted you and it went unnoticed?

 

Also, did you tell your husband you and this other guy were confiding in each other? We're all your messages platonic?

[Lois_Griffin]

While I think it was wrong not to tell your husband that you were talking to this guy at work or when he was busy out in the garage, I didn't see it as an emotional affair either. If it were, you would have welcomed his advances, not been repulsed by them.

 

But you do own the chatting you were doing with this guy.

 

Secondly, I would absolutely offer myself up for a polygraph since you have nothing to hide.

 

Tell him he can choose the facility, talk to the polygraph expert, and book the appointment himself and that way, he has total control over the situation.

[qubist]

You are right. It looks really bad and I messed up not being completely transparent about the situation with my husband. He was aware that we were friends but not so much about the chatting and time being spent together.

 

Do couples recover from this or should I embrace myself for the inevitable?

I have seen people recover from worst, but that doesn't mean anything because every case is different. gather all your evidence and present them to him. do not pressure him too much, it seems to me that he is taking too hard instead be patient and use different methods of communication, In stead of facing him, send him an email or text message explaining the whole story including your mistake of secretly chatting with the other guy,

[Rachael_30]

I am confused... You mentioned to your husband that someone almost sexually assaulted you and it went unnoticed?

 

Also, did you tell your husband you and this other guy were confiding in each other? We're all your messages platonic?

 

We had a really bad fight after he received the facebook message, I told him my reason for transferring to another team was because of the colleague forcing himself down on me. He stopped responding, grabbed a cushion and went to sleep in the guest room. He didn't show any interest in the email whatsoever or asking to see it.

 

He knew the colleague was having marital issues and we were in the same team at work. A topic we would usually discuss in bed at night and even gave me advice a few times for the colleague.

 

All messages on whatsapp and every discussion was platonic and professional; there were no hints, flirts or physical touching.

[Ms. Faust]

We had a really bad fight after he received the facebook message, I told him my reason for transferring to another team was because of the colleague forcing himself down on me. He stopped responding, grabbed a cushion and went to sleep in the guest room. He didn't show any interest in the email whatsoever or asking to see it.

 

He knew the colleague was having marital issues and we were in the same team at work. A topic we would usually discuss in bed at night and even gave me advice a few times for the colleague.

 

All messages on whatsapp and every discussion was platonic and professional; there were no hints, flirts or physical touching.

 

That makes no sense. Why would level headed husband not believe his wife that someone tried to force himself on her? Why is he not enraged and blaming this guy? Most men who have been cuckolded are all too eager to lay the blame on the other man... And why would you want to reconcile with someone who is not giving you the benefit of the doubt? Also, why did you not tell your husband when the incident occurred?

[qubist]

That makes no sense. Why would level headed husband not believe his wife that someone tried to force himself on her? Why is he not enraged and blaming this guy? Most men who have been cuckolded are all too eager to lay the blame on the other man... And why would you want to reconcile with someone who is not giving you the benefit of the doubt? Also, why did you not tell your husband when the incident occurred?

can't just judge him like that, he probably has his insecurities or flaws too. everyone reaction depends on many factors, she just has to be patient with him

[Ms. Faust]

can't just judge him like that, he probably has his insecurities or flaws too. everyone reaction depends on many factors, she just has to be patient with him

 

She just told him that she was almost sexually assaulted and he doesn't believe her? That's his wife, and he should 100% support her and give her the benefit of the doubt. Oh, I am judging, insecurities and flaws be damned.

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like your husband may be overreacting & he's certainly being childish by not talking to you. I'd give him a little space but keep putting it out there that you want to work on things & that there was no physical affair & you thought you & this guy only had a friendship.

[Rachael_30]

That makes no sense. Why would level headed husband not believe his wife that someone tried to force himself on her? Why is he not enraged and blaming this guy? Most men who have been cuckolded are all too eager to lay the blame on the other man... And why would you want to reconcile with someone who is not giving you the benefit of the doubt? Also, why did you not tell your husband when the incident occurred?

 

My husband is an introvert. Instead of acting out he becomes silent and bottles up his emotions which drives me insane as I know he is analyzing the situation but is not willing to share what is on his mind.

 

I did not want to tell my husband for the very reason of not wanting to upset him and thought the situation was contained and would remain in the past. We were only living in the city for a few months when the incident occurred and it is extremely stressful to fit in and find your feet. I just felt hubby did not have to deal with this as well.

[qubist]

She just told him that she was almost sexually assaulted and he doesn't believe her? That's his wife, and he should 100% support her and give her the benefit of the doubt. Oh, I am judging, insecurities and flaws be damned.

 

I'm not defending his behavior I'm just trying to explain it as a flaw of his. he is just too weak, once he heard the alleged Affair of his wife he shut down. I can relay to this because something similar happened to me and acted like moron, i wish I knew any better but I was too weak to consider any other thing other total collapse

[TobyBoy]

After the Christmas party incident, did you still continue to communicate/have lunch with this man?

[bubbaganoosh]

She just told him that she was almost sexually assaulted and he doesn't believe her? That's his wife, and he should 100% support her and give her the benefit of the doubt. Oh, I am judging, insecurities and flaws be damned.

 

He might have if she would have told him the night it happened but she waited and he found out through another source then it all comes out along with the texting. Maybe it was all innocent and probably was but it was the way her husband had to find out and that's the problem.

[MJJean]

In the Hs defense, if I was told my wife was seen kissing a male friend at a hotel by her colleagues, that they believe she's been having an affair, and she tried telling me he assaulted her, I wouldn't believe it, either. I'd think she was having an affair with her friend, got caught, and was lying to cover her azz.

[Poutrew]

In the Hs defense, if I was told my wife was seen kissing a male friend at a hotel by her colleagues, that they believe she's been having an affair, and she tried telling me he assaulted her, I wouldn't believe it, either. I'd think she was having an affair with her friend, got caught, and was lying to cover her azz.

 

Yes, unfortunately this is a valid conclusion. Wife starts new job, gets male attention, has an EA, then gets caught on the threshold of a PA. Even if it is all circumstantial, the thing doesn't look very good. Also, OP needs to consider the Lie detector test very carefully. As we have seen with other posts in the past, the test itself is not very reliable, and critically depends on who is administrating it. God help her if she is telling the truth but the test shows a false reading, or comes out as inconclusive... this will drive the final stake into her marriage... and all because she kept her silence.

[oldshirt]

She just told him that she was almost sexually assaulted and he doesn't believe her? That's his wife, and he should 100% support her and give her the benefit of the doubt. Oh, I am judging, insecurities and flaws be damned.

 

 

 

No that's not the report that he got or the story that he heard initially.

 

 

Let's look at it from her H's perspective for a moment. From his perspective, everything is going along business as usual and everything is hunky dory.

 

 

Then one day he gets informed that his wife is having an affair at work and everyone in the office knows about it.

 

 

He confronts his wife and now out of the blue she tells him this story of a supposed near 'sexual assault' that supposedly took place months ago but this is the first time he's ever heard about it and everything has been carrying on business as usual for months after this supposedly traumatic event has taken place??

 

 

Yeah I wouldn't buy it either.

 

 

Here's how it works. If my wife comes home one day hysterical and in tears and is visibly upset to the core and looks like she has been to hell and back and she tells me that she was assaulted/near assaulted just now and the police are looking for the suspect and she wants me to protect and support her and her story all adds up, I will support her and stand by her to the ends of the earth.

 

 

However, if things are going along swimmingly and nothing seems out of the ordinary, and one day I receive a message from the wife of a coworker that her husband and my wife are having an affair and everyone at work knows about it and has seen them having lunch together and spending parts of the day engaged in heavy conversation and have been seen touching each other in a hotel, and then when I confront her about it she gives me a story that he "assaulted" her several months earlier and this is the first I've ever heard of it......... sorry, she's just a cheating ho that's just making up stories to throw me off track and make excuses. Too many holes in that story to even remotely believe that there wasn't something going on.

[oldshirt]

It sounds like your husband may be overreacting & he's certainly being childish by not talking to you. I'd give him a little space but keep putting it out there that you want to work on things & that there was no physical affair & you thought you & this guy only had a friendship.

 

 

 

See my post immediately above.

 

 

From the husband's perspective on the information he was given and the manner in which this was relayed to him, he is acting quite normally I believe.

 

 

If some guy were to come on here and say that he was contacted by the wife of his wife's coworker and informed that they were having an affair that the whole office knew about and had seen them going for lunches and seen talking at length together and then seen in a hotel together, and then when he confronted her with this she said that he had "assaulted" her several months prior but nothing was said and nothing was any different at that time, what would we all advise him???

 

 

Would we advise him to believe his wife's assault story? Or would we advise that he assault story is a bunch a pahhooey?

 

 

IMHO the husband has just cause to believe that she is cheating based on the information that he has had available to him.

 

 

In this instance her behavior is consistent with someone who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar and is coming up with wild stories and crazy excuses to try to deflect their own accountability.

 

 

His believing that she is lying to cover her tracks and concocting crazy stories to blow smoke and mirrors to confuse the issue and manipulate the truth is reasonable.

 

 

She has the burden of proof here and if she really is an innocent party here, she has a whole lot of work and explaining to do and she is going to have to produce a whole lot of corroborating documentation and solid evidence and testimony on her behalf.

[Dolfin80]

Your husband is a fool. Why wouldn't he'll tell that lady to **** off and get a life. You're husband is being co pretext weird about this.

 

Seriously she made up complete bull****. You didn't do anything wrong with that work college, you are completely allowed to be mates with him. Just because you are married doesn't mean you're not allowed to have friends. I have heaps of male friends whilst I have a partner. He tried to kiss you that's all. This happens to most women in life, married or not, men attempt to kiss us all the time!!!!!!!! I had a french work college come into my office, start massaging me then went in for the kiss, I pushed him off me, then told everyone at work what happened. Men come on to women everyday in real life. This isn't new!!!!!!!!!! Wow .......so many people here sound extremely naive to not have seen this in the workplace or at a work xmas party before.

 

You have done nothing wrong, that guys wife is completely wrong her as nothing even happened, she has made up complete horse****!!!!!

 

You're hubby should be standing up for you, telling her to **** off and go get a life!!!!!!!

[Dolfin80]

You were kissing him n front of his hotel room door while he was trying to unlock it... What message did you think you were sending by being there - doing that - in that moment?

 

You said he was drunk - were you also drunk?

 

 

I'm sure there is film or video footage from the hotel - most hotels have that these days. Has HR reviewed that film?

 

She rejected him and bolted......he would have had the look of rejection on his face and most likely be in some pain from blue balls

 

As if HR have the legal power to confiscate a camera from a hotel ROFL .......they only have the power to hire and hardly any to fire employees, they aren't police you know

Edited November 17, 2015 by Dolfin80

[MIKEB1950]

Gosh do I feel for you -

there is so much self righteous comments here about signals you gave off to some guy at work. If we work with people we share conversation we share stuff that our life and love partners are never interested in and why shouldn't we. To blame you for starting this is like those who blame a girl who wears particular style clothing that she was responsible for her rape.

 

Shame you did not strike out in earnest at this guy when he tried it on and leave him marked.

 

And what is the evidence presented before everyone where you become the cheating wife - its from colleagues who seen what exactly? and a Facebook [as if the other wife could not pick up the telephone. Maybe this guy did not have the marriage problems that he revealed maybe he was the real player type. Have you and your husband asked the other wife to meet with you?

 

When my wife had a work place affair i got snip-its from some so called colleagues so i asked to sit down with the guy and her and he cried off but he phone me; it did help me.

 

and what you have in your favour is you reported this guy so you should and can press the case further time should not make this impossible and I would seek advice from a corporate lawyer because the company you both worked for have a duty to you and him to make sure this kind of thing never happens again.

 

If you have to fight this battle without your husbands support then fight it just the same and somewhere along the fight path he may just see some sense of care.

 

good luck and good fighting your corner