Desperately need to save my marriage

[Bagheera Kit]

I don't see this as an EA. It sounds like you became friends with this man, he took it the wrong way and made a pass at you. I've had this happen multiple times in my life. I don't even make friends with men anymore for this reason. You even talked to your husband about this man's problems. Compile all your evidence and print it out and put it in a big yellow envelope and leave it for him on the dining room table and give him time and space to go through it. Maybe go visit some family for a few days. Also offer the polygraph. After all that is said and done, and he still won't accept the truth, I think there may be something else going on with him. But that's jumping to conclusions. See how he reacts to your evidence. Best wishes.

[Sparta]

She comes here for help great ..! But like most people when they're scared and they know they've done something wrong they lie because the truth hurts too and the consequences for this behavior is probably a result of her divorcing on the grounds of being unfaithful. First of all The guy practically reach you and you did not tell anybody about it. Well I'm telling you if I was your husband and I heard the story I could buy it it sounds like you're covering stuff you had a what's up app that app is known to be used by people that have an affairs. Your story has too many inconsistencies in it. I'm not trying to be mean just trying to be honest with you that's what it sounds like to me. I am truly sorry that you're going through this. You're human and we all make mistakes

[Popsicle]

I'm in the group that doesn't buy your story.

 

Have no fear though, your husband probably won't divorce you still. And eventually you'll figure out the ways to appease him so that he's not pissy 24/7.

[Rachael_30]

After the Christmas party incident, did you still continue to communicate/have lunch with this man?

 

No I blocked him on whatsapp and had almost no contact with this man except sitting in the same meetings a few times.

[Rachael_30]

Yes, unfortunately this is a valid conclusion. Wife starts new job, gets male attention, has an EA, then gets caught on the threshold of a PA. Even if it is all circumstantial, the thing doesn't look very good. Also, OP needs to consider the Lie detector test very carefully. As we have seen with other posts in the past, the test itself is not very reliable, and critically depends on who is administrating it. God help her if she is telling the truth but the test shows a false reading, or comes out as inconclusive... this will drive the final stake into her marriage... and all because she kept her silence.

 

Would you advise against the polygraph?

[Friskyone4u]

Rachel.

 

Everytime someone mentions polygraphs the same arguments surface. it is just like anything else. NOTHING IS PERFECT.

 

the fact that it cannot be used in a court of law means absolutely nothing. YOU ARE NOT IN A COURT OF LAW.!!!

 

Many of the largest corporations in the world use these tests in employment screening as do many top security conscious federal governmental agencies, all at the directions of very high priced consulting organizations. they are all not crazy.

 

As with anything else, you might consider you get what you pay for.

 

Do the research. Interview them and get references if possible. inqure about their experience with infidelity. A good examiner can help you structure your questions properly.

 

and finally, if you decide it and your husband agrees, agree that if either of you are not satisfied with the results that you will try a different examiner.

 

From what you have described, with no way to prove your case, you seem to be heading to a bad ending.

The offer may also help you. Why on earth would your husband think you would suggest a polygraph if you were lying to him/??/

[burnt]

Reading your original post, I hadn't thought for a second that it was anything but honest. I didn't get the sense that there was any hint of an EA.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling constantly trying to ''defend'' yourself, when being innocent in the first place, and being assaulted on top.

 

One thought that occurred to me though;

There has to be a small part of your husband that believes your version of what happened. Could it be that he feels hurt that you didn't trust in him enough to confide in him after the assault took place?

 

I'm saying this because when you care about someone, and if that person doesn't let you in at a time of struggle, it can actually bring a great sense of rejection.

[Rachael_30]

Reading your original post, I hadn't thought for a second that it was anything but honest. I didn't get the sense that there was any hint of an EA.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can't even begin to imagine what you're feeling constantly trying to ''defend'' yourself, when being innocent in the first place, and being assaulted on top.

 

One thought that occurred to me though;

There has to be a small part of your husband that believes your version of what happened. Could it be that he feels hurt that you didn't trust in him enough to confide in him after the assault took place?

 

I'm saying this because when you care about someone, and if that person doesn't let you in at a time of struggle, it can actually bring a great sense of rejection.

 

I do believe there is merit in what you say. Having been together for 10 years and survived through the toughest of times, one would expect that you can handle anything that life throws at you.

 

There must be a part in him that believes me or else he would have already filed for divorce.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I do believe there is merit in what you say. Having been together for 10 years and survived through the toughest of times, one would expect that you can handle anything that life throws at you.

 

There must be a part in him that believes me or else he would have already filed for divorce.

 

Look, if it were me receiving this information about my wife in this manner, I would be incredibly hurt and untrusting at this point. I have a suspicious feeling that if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were here asking weather or not you can believe your husband is telling the truth about a friendship and whatsap and the OW coming on to him and he pushed away and is Innocent of all charges, 100% of the responses would say don't believe him he is lying scum.

[Rachael_30]

Look, if it were me receiving this information about my wife in this manner, I would be incredibly hurt and untrusting at this point. I have a suspicious feeling that if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were here asking weather or not you can believe your husband is telling the truth about a friendship and whatsap and the OW coming on to him and he pushed away and is Innocent of all charges, 100% of the responses would say don't believe him he is lying scum.

 

You are completely right and yes I would have been on here asking for advice and most likely believed that he was having an affair.

 

I have gathered as much evidence as I could and will be doing the polygraph test next week, hopefully in his presence, and insist on having the colleague and his wife sit down with us and talk things through.

[Rachael_30]

Were you drinking that night?

 

I wasn't drunk but I did have a mojito when entering the venue and a glass of red wine with my meal. This was over a time span of over 5+ hours.

[beatcuff]

i am REALLY confused by those that think the OP is lying to us. absolutely to the H, but us? for what purpose? for what gain? if order to get useful advise she would have to provide the real story. she has responded enough, now, we have to assume she is being honest with us.

 

except for maybe and this means her not being honest with herself --- putting aside that men are sometimes really dumb and misread a ton --- OP there are just too many 'hints' you were 'enjoying' the attention that man (especially one with M trouble) was giving you, up to the point he actually made his move. i nevertheless have no doubt you had no intention of doing anything with him. i see no EA and in fact see this as yet another reason 'outing' EAs as problematic: too often EA are one-sided.

 

of course the above does nothing to solve the question.

 

OP, stop. slow down. access the entire situation. you seemed to take appropriate steps to distance yourself from a platonic friend that was no longer. it appears your darling H is taking the word of outsider over yours and your statement you were 'jumped'. i think you need to do some serious self reflection on why he would 'take their side': a/k/a there were other issues or things were not going so well.

 

You are completely right and yes I would have been on here asking for advice and most likely believed that he was having an affair.

 

I have gathered as much evidence as I could and will be doing the polygraph test next week, hopefully in his presence, and insist on having the colleague and his wife sit down with us and talk things through.

 

i see two directions --- passive/weak: the above. do everything you can think of to convince him you did nothing wrong. it is really tough to prove a negative. proof: the polygraph has a high error rate, enough that even if you pass he could not believe it, so what do YOU gain.

 

meeting the other couple has disaster written all over it. he already has took her word, so one would assume each accusation by her will be taken as fact by him. she will come out (verbally) swinging, and you will be so busy dodging the punches your H will be left with no other course but to assume the worst: PA.

 

so that leaves: stand your ground, strong offense (this will look bad if your M was not rock solid beforehand) --- to H "you are seriously taking his side...", "I took steps with the company to minimize seeing him and the impact on my job", "so you want me to call you every time a man looks in my direction", "what have i done in the past to make you distrust me so much". again doing this in a weak M is a recipe for disaster.

 

good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Would you advise against the polygraph?

 

Polygraphs are not reliable & they are VERY expensive if you can even find a reputable person to administer one. So no, I don't think it's a great idea. That said if you take it & "pass" if that will help your husband get over this, what's a few thousand dollars against a marriage? However, if you are nervous which you will be, that may affect the readings so even though you are telling the truth, what happens if the machine says you failed?

[Rachael_30]

Polygraphs are not reliable & they are VERY expensive if you can even find a reputable person to administer one. So no, I don't think it's a great idea. That said if you take it & "pass" if that will help your husband get over this, what's a few thousand dollars against a marriage? However, if you are nervous which you will be, that may affect the readings so even though you are telling the truth, what happens if the machine says you failed?

 

Then I guess the only option I have left is to write him a letter with the signed emails and hope for the best. Do I give him space and leave for a while?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

You are completely right and yes I would have been on here asking for advice and most likely believed that he was having an affair.

 

I have gathered as much evidence as I could and will be doing the polygraph test next week, hopefully in his presence, and insist on having the colleague and his wife sit down with us and talk things through.

 

Then step one is to not listen to posts talking about your husband being childish, and instead keep in mind the pain he must be feeling right now. People deal with pain in many different ways. To call an individual's reaction to this type of trauma childish is, well, childish really.

 

Step two I would advise, you have already set in course. Actions speak so much louder then words. By you taking action, gathering everything you can, setting up a poly, trying to get the OM and his wife involved, you are not just telling your husband how much your marriage and He means to you, you are showing him. Laying your heart out on the line and showing all your cards for him. I will say if I were your husband, this is the only approach to the situation that would work on me. Actions, not words alone.

 

Just keep it up, he needs to understand how much you truly love him. He is not sure at this time. He is emotionally damaged right now, keep this in mind while communicating. You may feel a need to defend yourself and speak without remorse as you have done nothing wrong. You already said you would suspect an affair, he most likely does as well and expects to see remorse. A tricky situation indeed for you. But i believe you need to be the remorseful one here for not being 100% up front with your relationship with OM. If you were from the get go, i also suspect you would have told your husband right away when OM made his move. Then you wouldnt be in this mess. You chose to hide your relationship with OM from your husband, this is where that choice lead.

 

Im sorry this is all happening to you.

[kgcolonel]

Rachael, you state that you intend to have the co-worker and his spouse sit with you and your H. So, does the spouse know that there was a rumored A?

 

How did the OM come into the aftermath picture....Just curious, did you go to him to ask for help or what? That seems very unique and even having his spouse present seems dicey at best.

[Rachael_30]

Rachael, you state that you intend to have the co-worker and his spouse sit with you and your H. So, does the spouse know that there was a rumored A?

 

How did the OM come into the aftermath picture....Just curious, did you go to him to ask for help or what? That seems very unique and even having his spouse present seems dicey at best.

 

Yes she knows as she was the one contacting my husband via Facebook telling him about the "affair". The OM kept his distance after the incident and we rarely saw each other at office, most of the time in meetings where we avoided eye contact and then once or twice in the elevator with other people.

 

You have no idea how much I hate this man.

[qubist]

Then I guess the only option I have left is to write him a letter with the signed emails and hope for the best. Do I give him space and leave for a while?

 

I agree, the polygraph should be your very last resort, hopefully you won't have to get there. Give him some space do not leave him, because you don't know how he would react to it since he seems to be very sensitive. Stay with him keep showing your regret but get your evidences. Send him a letter or a text start by acknowledging your mistake of hiding the incident before you elaborate on it. Be patient. If you talk to the other guy's wife and explain to her that you didn't cheat and that her information was wrong. And offer her the whole truth it would help too

[Rachael_30]

Then step one is to not listen to posts talking about your husband being childish, and instead keep in mind the pain he must be feeling right now. People deal with pain in many different ways. To call an individual's reaction to this type of trauma childish is, well, childish really.

 

Step two I would advise, you have already set in course. Actions speak so much louder then words. By you taking action, gathering everything you can, setting up a poly, trying to get the OM and his wife involved, you are not just telling your husband how much your marriage and He means to you, you are showing him. Laying your heart out on the line and showing all your cards for him. I will say if I were your husband, this is the only approach to the situation that would work on me. Actions, not words alone.

 

Just keep it up, he needs to understand how much you truly love him. He is not sure at this time. He is emotionally damaged right now, keep this in mind while communicating. You may feel a need to defend yourself and speak without remorse as you have done nothing wrong. You already said you would suspect an affair, he most likely does as well and expects to see remorse. A tricky situation indeed for you. But i believe you need to be the remorseful one here for not being 100% up front with your relationship with OM. If you were from the get go, i also suspect you would have told your husband right away when OM made his move. Then you wouldnt be in this mess. You chose to hide your relationship with OM from your husband, this is where that choice lead.

 

Im sorry this is all happening to you.

 

Thank you for your kind words and sensible post. I will definitely take your advice to heart.

[Rachael_30]

I agree, the polygraph should be your very last resort, hopefully you won't have to get there. Give him some space do not leave him, because you don't know how he would react to it since he seems to be very sensitive. Stay with him keep showing your regret but get your evidences. Send him a letter or a text start by acknowledging your mistake of hiding the incident before you elaborate on it. Be patient. If you talk to the other guy's wife and explain to her that you didn't cheat and that her information was wrong. And offer her the whole truth it would help too

 

Will do and thank you for helping.

[oldshirt]

I'm not saying Rachel is or is not lying to us. I'm not necessarily saying that the story she has given us is not how it was (although we may be getting a highly sanitized version of it)

 

I am saying the information given to her husband and the conditions of the situation leading up to that disclosure would legitimately have him thinking that there was an affair taking place and that he would have just cause in thinking her story was a complete fabrication trying to cover everything thing up.

 

From his perspective, there is nothing to indicate to him that she didn't cheat and hasn't completely made up a wild story to cover her tracks.

 

He would be naive and a complete fool to completely believe her story as it was presented.

 

If her story is the absolute truth, then she is going to have to roll up her sleeves and get down to work to prove it. And proving it is going to take hard evidence and documentation and credible witness testimony from other people who can corroborate her story.

[Rachael_30]

I'm not saying Rachel is or is not lying to us. I'm not necessarily saying that the story she has given us is not how it was (although we may be getting a highly sanitized version of it)

 

I am saying the information given to her husband and the conditions of the situation leading up to that disclosure would legitimately have him thinking that there was an affair taking place and that he would have just cause in thinking her story was a complete fabrication trying to cover everything thing up.

 

From his perspective, there is nothing to indicate to him that she didn't cheat and hasn't completely made up a wild story to cover her tracks.

 

He would be naive and a complete fool to completely believe her story as it was presented.

 

If her story is the absolute truth, then she is going to have to roll up her sleeves and get down to work to prove it. And proving it is going to take hard evidence and documentation and credible witness testimony from other people who can corroborate her story.

 

I do believe you've summed up my husband's feelings quite accurately and the way he sees things. I am truly thankful for your valuable input and appreciate it immensely.

[qubist]

I'm not saying Rachel is or is not lying to us. I'm not necessarily saying that the story she has given us is not how it was (although we may be getting a highly sanitized version of it)

 

I am saying the information given to her husband and the conditions of the situation leading up to that disclosure would legitimately have him thinking that there was an affair taking place and that he would have just cause in thinking her story was a complete fabrication trying to cover everything thing up.

 

From his perspective, there is nothing to indicate to him that she didn't cheat and hasn't completely made up a wild story to cover her tracks.

 

He would be naive and a complete fool to completely believe her story as it was presented.

 

If her story is the absolute truth, then she is going to have to roll up her sleeves and get down to work to prove it. And proving it is going to take hard evidence and documentation and credible witness testimony from other people who can corroborate her story.

I agree 100%, some posters here are acting like the husband watched his wife getting sexually assaulted and chose to blame her instead of defending her, Put yourself on his shoes, you get a message from a woman claiming that your wife had sex with her husband who happen to be a close coworker to her then found out they were texting each other. how many times we've seen people coming to this forum asking for advice in a similar story, I bet if he came here 99% of the posters would be telling him that she cheated and lied. in addition to that we know that everyone's reaction to something like this is different. do i think he is exaggerating? yes absolutely, but she can't change that now. Right now she needs to focus on repairing her relationship with him rather than accusing him for neglecting the fact that she was assaulted.

Hopefully when she proves her innocence and both of the move on she can help him work on his mental flaws

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

I have to add this. If I were your husband, and came around to believe you didnt have an EA and believe everything you wrote here, i would still have to ask you these questions...

 

Why didnt you just tell me about your friendship with him? Why keep it a secret and use an app?

 

What did the OM provide for you that made you feel a need to keep your relationship a secret from me? Was he an ego boost for you? What did he give you that you were so worried to tell me about?

 

I would require a satisfactory answer to these questions personally. Do you have an answer?

[Rachael_30]

I have to add this. If I were your husband, and came around to believe you didnt have an EA and believe everything you wrote here, i would still have to ask you these questions...

 

Why didnt you just tell me about your friendship with him? Why keep it a secret and use an app?

 

What did the OM provide for you that made you feel a need to keep your relationship a secret from me? Was he an ego boost for you? What did he give you that you were so worried to tell me about?

 

I would require a satisfactory answer to these questions personally. Do you have an answer?

 

Fortunately my husband was aware of the friendship and the colleague having marital issues. We would often talk about said colleague and there were even times when hubby gave advice.

 

I honestly viewed the colleague as a male friend and nothing more. I was just thankful for having a friend at the new workplace and someone to enjoy lunch with, most of our talks were about his marital issues, my kids, his woodwork projects and he would give me advice on best schools in the area.