Author Rachael_30 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 I'm not saying Rachel is or is not lying to us. I'm not necessarily saying that the story she has given us is not how it was (although we may be getting a highly sanitized version of it) I am saying the information given to her husband and the conditions of the situation leading up to that disclosure would legitimately have him thinking that there was an affair taking place and that he would have just cause in thinking her story was a complete fabrication trying to cover everything thing up. From his perspective, there is nothing to indicate to him that she didn't cheat and hasn't completely made up a wild story to cover her tracks. He would be naive and a complete fool to completely believe her story as it was presented. If her story is the absolute truth, then she is going to have to roll up her sleeves and get down to work to prove it. And proving it is going to take hard evidence and documentation and credible witness testimony from other people who can corroborate her story. I do believe you've summed up my husband's feelings quite accurately and the way he sees things. I am truly thankful for your valuable input and appreciate it immensely. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I'm not saying Rachel is or is not lying to us. I'm not necessarily saying that the story she has given us is not how it was (although we may be getting a highly sanitized version of it) I am saying the information given to her husband and the conditions of the situation leading up to that disclosure would legitimately have him thinking that there was an affair taking place and that he would have just cause in thinking her story was a complete fabrication trying to cover everything thing up. From his perspective, there is nothing to indicate to him that she didn't cheat and hasn't completely made up a wild story to cover her tracks. He would be naive and a complete fool to completely believe her story as it was presented. If her story is the absolute truth, then she is going to have to roll up her sleeves and get down to work to prove it. And proving it is going to take hard evidence and documentation and credible witness testimony from other people who can corroborate her story. I agree 100%, some posters here are acting like the husband watched his wife getting sexually assaulted and chose to blame her instead of defending her, Put yourself on his shoes, you get a message from a woman claiming that your wife had sex with her husband who happen to be a close coworker to her then found out they were texting each other. how many times we've seen people coming to this forum asking for advice in a similar story, I bet if he came here 99% of the posters would be telling him that she cheated and lied. in addition to that we know that everyone's reaction to something like this is different. do i think he is exaggerating? yes absolutely, but she can't change that now. Right now she needs to focus on repairing her relationship with him rather than accusing him for neglecting the fact that she was assaulted. Hopefully when she proves her innocence and both of the move on she can help him work on his mental flaws 1 Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I have to add this. If I were your husband, and came around to believe you didnt have an EA and believe everything you wrote here, i would still have to ask you these questions... Why didnt you just tell me about your friendship with him? Why keep it a secret and use an app? What did the OM provide for you that made you feel a need to keep your relationship a secret from me? Was he an ego boost for you? What did he give you that you were so worried to tell me about? I would require a satisfactory answer to these questions personally. Do you have an answer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 I have to add this. If I were your husband, and came around to believe you didnt have an EA and believe everything you wrote here, i would still have to ask you these questions... Why didnt you just tell me about your friendship with him? Why keep it a secret and use an app? What did the OM provide for you that made you feel a need to keep your relationship a secret from me? Was he an ego boost for you? What did he give you that you were so worried to tell me about? I would require a satisfactory answer to these questions personally. Do you have an answer? Fortunately my husband was aware of the friendship and the colleague having marital issues. We would often talk about said colleague and there were even times when hubby gave advice. I honestly viewed the colleague as a male friend and nothing more. I was just thankful for having a friend at the new workplace and someone to enjoy lunch with, most of our talks were about his marital issues, my kids, his woodwork projects and he would give me advice on best schools in the area. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Yes she knows as she was the one contacting my husband via Facebook telling him about the "affair". The OM kept his distance after the incident and we rarely saw each other at office, most of the time in meetings where we avoided eye contact and then once or twice in the elevator with other people. You have no idea how much I hate this man. I know that I will never be able to fully understand. So, if his wife is the one that blew the whistle (evidently a false whistle), what would you expect her to say or do to help your case here? Has she come to know differently somehow beyond what her husband and you have professed? Does she carry some credibility that you think will be a difference maker? Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Fortunately my husband was aware of the friendship and the colleague having marital issues. We would often talk about said colleague and there were even times when hubby gave advice. I honestly viewed the colleague as a male friend and nothing more. I was just thankful for having a friend at the new workplace and someone to enjoy lunch with, most of our talks were about his marital issues, my kids, his woodwork projects and he would give me advice on best schools in the area. He knew you communicated with him via a messaging app regularly? He knew you went to lunch alone with, and had deep talks often while at work? He was fully aware of the level of your closeness, yet you felt a need to hide from him the part where he comes on to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 I know that I will never be able to fully understand. So, if his wife is the one that blew the whistle (evidently a false whistle), what would you expect her to say or do to help your case here? Has she come to know differently somehow beyond what her husband and you have professed? Does she carry some credibility that you think will be a difference maker? I thought having everyone sit down and talk things through would resolve the issue. If she were to believe that I slept with her husband and that is what he told her then I want him to tell everyone about the scars on my body. He has no knowledge of the two cesarean scars and the birthmark on my hip. However I do believe this might not be a good idea and only make matters worse. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I thought having everyone sit down and talk things through would resolve the issue. If she were to believe that I slept with her husband and that is what he told her then I want him to tell everyone about the scars on my body. He has no knowledge of the two cesarean scars and the birthmark on my hip. However I do believe this might not be a good idea and only make matters worse. do not share those details about your buddy here, the world is very small who knows maybe someone here knows who you are, you already put you picture as a profile. why don't you reach out to the wife first and offer the whole truth. if you don't have a way to reach her send her an email. do not attack her for contacting your husband just a friendly message that her info was wrong. if you want to do that make sure your Husband is aware of this to avoid more complication just in case she is crazy and flip it against you Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 He knew you communicated with him via a messaging app regularly? He knew you went to lunch alone with, and had deep talks often while at work? He was fully aware of the level of your closeness, yet you felt a need to hide from him the part where he comes on to you? I won't say regularly as we only chatted once or twice a week and even then it was rather short as I have two children to attend to. The messages was for the most part short and mainly about his issues and whenever he felt down. Even though we grabbed lunch together almost everyday, we rarely sat alone.We actually spend most of the time alone having coffee at 7 am in the mornings as we both were the first ones to arrive. I believe this is where the rumor started of us having an affair. Hubby was aware of the communication, the friendship and lunch but he obviously entrusted me that nothing would ever happen. I've had numerous male friends in the past and this was the first time someone actually try to force themselves on me. The only other time I dealt with something remotely like this was a guy trying to take photos of my feet and grab my breast at a U2 concert. I admit I did make a mistake not telling my husband and this might ultimately cost me my happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 do not share those details about your buddy here, the world is very small who knows maybe someone here knows who you are, you already put you picture as a profile. why don't you reach out to the wife first and offer the whole truth. if you don't have a way to reach her send her an email. do not attack her for contacting your husband just a friendly message that her info was wrong. if you want to do that make sure your Husband is aware of this to avoid more complication just in case she is crazy and flip it against you Oh gosh you are right about the world being small. Changed my picture. Perhaps I should fix things with hubby first and then take it from there. I am however thinking about leaving my job and rather look for something a bit more appropriate and home based. Do you think it might be possible that other women might be involved and the blame just got shifted my way since the rumor at work made it easier for him to pin his affair on me? I have so much going through my mind right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Oh gosh you are right about the world being small. Changed my picture. Perhaps I should fix things with hubby first and then take it from there. I am however thinking about leaving my job and rather look for something a bit more appropriate and home based. Do you think it might be possible that other women might be involved and the blame just got shifted my way since the rumor at work made it easier for him to pin his affair on me? I have so much going through my mind right now. changing job is a good idea, I would still contact the wife. nobody here knows how she knew the story. there is a chance he was behind the whole thing to punish you for rejecting him. I will not be shocked if he was the one messaging your husband pretending to be his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Oh gosh you are right about the world being small. Changed my picture. Perhaps I should fix things with hubby first and then take it from there. I am however thinking about leaving my job and rather look for something a bit more appropriate and home based. Do you think it might be possible that other women might be involved and the blame just got shifted my way since the rumor at work made it easier for him to pin his affair on me? I have so much going through my mind right now. Fix things with hubby. Get a new job if you feel it would be the best thing to do for you and your relationship. Forget that other guy and his problems with his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 changing job is a good idea, I would still contact the wife. nobody here knows how she knew the story. there is a chance he was behind the whole thing to punish you for rejecting him. I will not be shocked if he was the one messaging your husband pretending to be his wife. You have me very concerned right now. If that is the case, are there any legal steps I can take against him? If it is him won't he just ignore my facebook messages? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 You have me very concerned right now. If that is the case, are there any legal steps I can take against him? If it is him won't he just ignore my facebook messages? again, I'm just guessing. nobody knows for sure. you shouldn't concern yourself about the other guy for now, forget about him. your 100% energy should be your family. Talk to HR and get he evidence then attack. start looking for another job and please keep your husband in the loop of everything you do. do not assume he will be OK with everything, 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TobyBoy Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Last year at our Christmas party things got out of hand and my drunk colleague cornered me and kissed me on our way to our hotel rooms; I had to battle to keep his hands from trying to undress me. I was in complete shock and made a run for it when he was busy unlocking his door. Can you clarify some things here? How much time did you spend with the guy at the party? Did y'all leave together when going to your rooms? Where were y'all when he tried to kiss/strip you? How did y'all end up at his room door? At any point did he physically restraint you from running away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 Last year at our Christmas party things got out of hand and my drunk colleague cornered me and kissed me on our way to our hotel rooms; I had to battle to keep his hands from trying to undress me. I was in complete shock and made a run for it when he was busy unlocking his door. Can you clarify some things here? How much time did you spend with the guy at the party? Did y'all leave together when going to your rooms? Where were y'all when he tried to kiss/strip you? How did y'all end up at his room door? At any point did he physically restraint you from running away? We spent the whole evening together as a team sitting at a round table and then went to the bar where everyone had more drinks except me. I enjoyed their company for a few more minutes while chatting to hubby asking about the kids and the NZQA assessment (I was rushed to submit papers to NZQA to have our qualifications assessed for residency). I then asked to be excused in order to go to sleep and that is when he walked with me. The section of the hotel is almost built like a square with the gents on the east bound and ladies were on the north bound side of the section if that makes sense. It was when we approached his door that he tilted me and pressed me against the wall before kissing me. I closed my legs and pushed his hand away from my thighs and pressed my back harder against the wall to prevent him for loosening my bra strap. There was a moment of awkwardness where he just looked at me for like 10 seconds before proceeding to unlock the door. It was at that moment that I ran passed him to my room. I did not sleep that night and felt tempted to take the three hours drive back home at 1 am in the morning. I went to HR that Monday and asked to be transferred and then cut off all ties with this man. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Rachel, I'm glad you're getting more responses here as I expected. Some very good advice as well. I absolutely believe you. ..not that it matters as you need your H to believe you. My husband would be like yours and question it...put yourself in his position for a moment. There was a guy who posted here some time ago.....One of his friends hit on his wife and put his hands down her underwear. She thought it was her husband..as he approached from behind...his wife didn't tell her H and when he found out months later he was angry. Angry that his wife didnt trust him enough to tell him. He was also very disappointed with her. In some ways I can understand why you never said anything...because everyone will say "you must have led him on. Or gave him a signal" ...that's why women don't report rapes. You feel like you'd get blamed for it.....as some here have insinuated. People assume that when you don't say anything ....you have something to hide...... Because I'm always thinking the worst..I would have told my husband.....because sods law..someone would tell him and he'd believe it. But I'd do this because he's suspected that I've cheated in the past....so I know he needs total reassurance. In your position I'd gather the evidence and present it to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted November 18, 2015 Author Share Posted November 18, 2015 Rachel, I'm glad you're getting more responses here as I expected. Some very good advice as well. I absolutely believe you. ..not that it matters as you need your H to believe you. My husband would be like yours and question it...put yourself in his position for a moment. There was a guy who posted here some time ago.....One of his friends hit on his wife and put his hands down her underwear. She thought it was her husband..as he approached from behind...his wife didn't tell her H and when he found out months later he was angry. Angry that his wife didnt trust him enough to tell him. He was also very disappointed with her. In some ways I can understand why you never said anything...because everyone will say "you must have led him on. Or gave him a signal" ...that's why women don't report rapes. You feel like you'd get blamed for it.....as some here have insinuated. People assume that when you don't say anything ....you have something to hide...... Because I'm always thinking the worst..I would have told my husband.....because sods law..someone would tell him and he'd believe it. But I'd do this because he's suspected that I've cheated in the past....so I know he needs total reassurance. In your position I'd gather the evidence and present it to him. You were a lifesaver. Thank you so much for your help, the wonderful advice and the support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 I just want to say thank you to everyone for the support and advice given a while back. Things are slowly but surely getting better and I am finally able to talk to hubby and work through things. However certain things have come to light and am still trying to make sense of it all. I have spoken to HR and have asked for contact details of the coworker's wife and the name given does not correspond to that of the Facebook profile that sent my husband the message. I am not sure what to make of this or if I should pursue this any further, but I am just thankful things are better at home and hubby is willing to give it another chance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 (edited) So glad to hear this for you and your children and hubby thx for the update The person who contacted your hubby could have been a decoy alert person. Lesson learned to be honest and also alert HR in the future. Edited December 1, 2015 by StBreton 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 The person contacting your husband could have been a coworker. His wife may not know. Have you changed jobs? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 The person contacting your husband could have been a coworker. His wife may not know. Have you changed jobs? Yes I have resigned from my position and will be staying at home with the kids from the 23rd of December. I am quite curious to know who did sent the message... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 I guess I don't have to tell you this but in the future if you want a friend to talk to when your husband is busy always make sure that friend is a female. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachael_30 Posted December 1, 2015 Author Share Posted December 1, 2015 I guess I don't have to tell you this but in the future if you want a friend to talk to when your husband is busy always make sure that friend is a female. Yes I have learned the hard way. Honestly I don't trust men at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 Well, we're not ALL bad...:laugh: But for the personal stuff, a woman would have probably been the better choice. Link to post Share on other sites
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