I am hopelessly in love with him, what should I do?

[smile]

Ok so this situation has taken a strange turn. After my grandmother died my ex (who I thought was comming back) just kinda disappeared. He didnt go to the funeral (he said he prob wouldnt) and he called me the saturday , the sunday, monday and tuesday after to see how I was. I was a wreck so I just avoided him.

 

I was short with him when he did call. I was done, ready to move on. For two weeks I didnt see him and rarely answered his calls. Then the day the phone bill was due. He invited me to his neices bday dinner and we spent a lot of alone time together. Asked me to help him take his dog on a long walk and then he kissed me goodnight.

 

I was happy at first, then I was mixed up. I had chosen to get space and I felt like he sucked me back in. I didnt know what to do, what I wanted, what I needed.

 

Sunday he called me and I was a jerk. I couldnt handle him. He asked if I was mad and I kinda was.... he said "fine be mad " and we said goodbye.

 

Monday I called to let him know I was ready to split the phone bill, he asked if he could call me back. He did and invited me to his brother's bday dinner and then to a movie. I got to the resturaunt and he was waiting outside for me. There were no friends at this dinner , just family. He sat next to me and he asked if I wanted to split something with him. His dad paid for my dinner. Everyone was so sweet to me.

 

Then when we were talking about the movie his family seemed interested in going. When we were together he used to always let anyone come with us on what I considered "our" time. But this time he seemed uninterested in them comming along.

 

The whole time he kept saying it was just like old times. Then he reminded me how we watched episode 2 together (yes we saw star wars) . He kept saying things like that.

 

Then I drove to my apt. I swear it was by accident I just went on autopilot as we were chatting. He said it was ok he wanted to see my apt.. hadnt been there in a while. So he came and we talked and laughed. He started to tickle me and then we kissed. Then we had sex.

 

The whole time he kept looking at me. Full eye contact and everything. And he kissed me a lot. Not just the mouth but shoulders and he just seemed I dunno gentle and sweet. Then we laid there adn just talked.

 

I took him back to his car at his dad's house and he looked at me for a long time. He kinda touched my hair and then kissed me goodnight. Not slobbery but a sweet goodnight kiss.

 

I am trying not to call or bug him. I dont want to push too much ya know? I have been here before and I dont want to mess it up.

 

Next week I may call him and invite him to see an other movie. Am I crazy? Does this seem like he is inching back? Is he interested? I think so... I am just afraid of well of everything.

 

I was thinking of asking him to go with me on a trip to visit some mutual friends. Thats a 4 hr drive for us to be alone and talk. We have both been talking about going to see these guys. A big plus, these friends want us to get back together. Good or bad idea?

 

You guys know the situtaion. I love this guy. He is so special to me.. and it feels like I am special to him. What should I do?

[upsetnhurt]

Smile,

 

DO NOT contact him first. He apparently cares for you yet he still has not resolved any of the issues that probably forced you both to break up with in the first place. He has inched back a bit yet somehow he has become scared and pulled back. He has to do this on his own timetable and unfortunately you have to live by that. You can either wait around......and not move on (which I encourage you to do) hoping he will eventually realize that you are the one for him......or you can take it easy and focus on other aspects of your life and if it happens then you then are in a better position to decide if you want him back. Any calls or invitations by you will only push him farther back......make him work to get you back if he wants it so bad....and stop having sex with him!

[smile]

you suggest I should hang around and not move on? And I guess if I dont initiate the contact or anything it is his decision. And thats good... he feels all in charge and I get that reassurance that he actually works to see/ talk to me.

 

But the sex is a no? I guess that makes sense. Only when we are together I don't see the point of us depriving ourselves. But maybe you're right.

 

I am working on me and hanging out with friends more. Luckily this a pretty busy time of year for me so I dont have much time to pine anyway. But every once in a while I do miss him...

 

I love him and he seems interested. Its ok that I am hanging around right?

[upsetnhurt]

Smile,

 

I actually forgot the word "NOT" right before encourage in my last message . Waiting around is simply a formula for disaster. Unfortunately you are right in that he is in the driver's seat in terms of his own feelings. If he wants to see you he will initiate the call and then it will be up to you to determine if you want to meet.

 

Sex is a no for one simple reason. You can't have it without harboring any expectations that he wants to be back in your life. Do you know if he is having sex with anyone else? How would that make you feel then? What will happen when he does not call you the next day after sex or leaves right after you both do the deed? Understand smile? Additionally, there is an saying out there, "why buy the milk when you can have it for free". Does that make sense?

 

I only give you some of my perspective as I too am going through the same thing with an ex gf. We too have been sleeping together occassionally and it has been difficult for me to manage my own expectations. She will get close yet then pull away for fear of something. At one point I need to nip it in the bud as people should not have to fight this hard to convince others of how worthy you are....................

[Devildog]

Originally posted by upsetnhurt

"why buy the milk when you can have it for free".

 

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

[smile]

Ok so he called me yesterday about a million times. But since there has been this problem with our ohone service I only go t missed calls but no msgs and he never got through to me until 10pm. Then we talked about the phones and stuff.. his is broken.

 

So we decided to get together next week to fix the phones. He asked about this weekend and I just said " I cant I am going out of town" I didnt offer any more than that and I moved on quickly. He didnt ask where I was going but when I said I was busy tuesday he did ask what I was doing then.

 

Then he said it seemed I was upset with him. I said nah its no big deal and he said that he wanted to know. He said that us not being honest with eachother was our problem before and that we needed to communicate, it was important. So I told him I thought it was crappy how he has blown me off since my grandma died and he only calls about the phone...which turns into movie dates and never phone fixing. He said he was sorry and he shouldn't treat me that way. He actually listened and apologized.

 

When we dated he always got so defensive if anything he did or said made me unhappy. He would rather pretend nothing was wrong and avoid it than try to fix it. Thats why we broke up... we avoided so much we suffocated eachother with built up anger. He never apologized so calmly. I finally felt like he listened to me, heard me. He validated my feelings. It was amazing.

 

Does that mean anything? It felt good , why do we have to have communication and honesty. I dont think those are conversations he has with his other friends. I dunno. What do you guys think? And whats my next move? If any.

[Angeleyez2583]

Sounds like good signs to me. Just take things SLOWLY.

[Universe]

So we decided to get together next week to fix the phones. He asked about this weekend and I just said " I cant I am going out of town" I didnt offer any more than that and I moved on quickly. He didnt ask where I was going but when I said I was busy tuesday he did ask what I was doing then.

It's phrases like these that make it sound to me like you're obsessing over petty little issues. I know how easy it can be to do so. But you really seem to spend a lot of time obsessing over every single word he says or doesn't say and it's really not that important. You read too much into every little thing. Just relax already. You're hanging too much on every word. Just because he doesn't say exactly what you want him to say doesn't mean he doesn't like you. I know sometimes certain little things can trigger a seemingly unnatural negative response that sends you off into this depressed anxiety...at least that's what happens to me. But in my case, and I think you do this too, I'm usually over-reacting. She'll say or do something or not say or not do something that we spin me off into this overwhelming feeling of loss and dispair. But then within a couple days (usually a couple hours or less) she'll contact me and I'll realize my anxiety was totally unfounded. Either that or I'll simply realize it on my own without even hearing from her.

Spend more time looking at the bigger picture instead of all these inticate little details. He's loved you for 4+ years. The fate of your relationship does not hang on one little detail. Not every thing is related to how he feels about you. I think sometimes you really blow things out of proportion. I know it's hard. I know that from reading my story, you probably think everything is fixed with my ex, but it's not. I'm still very much in the same kind of position you are. And I still catch myself hinging everything of one converstation or less. But it's important to look at the big picture.

Overall, is he good to you? Overall, is loving towards you? Overall, does he really do anythin to hurt you?

Beyond that, you have to recognize that the damage that has been done to your relationship is serious. Even though you've learned a lot and grown a lot, as he has, and you both have a better idea as to how to love each other, it still takes time to work things out. It takes a while for all the lessons you've learned to solidify into your daily consciousness and to really take shape in the real world.

Live your life and do what you want. Live it for yourself, not for him. He is part of your life right now. So make the most of it by not asking more than it's capable of giving right now. Are you two going to end up together? No one knows. And you'll never know. Even if you guys were married and pledged his undying love for you, there's still no way to know how long what have with last. So whatever phase your relationship is in, don't let yourself get so bogged down in your fear that it might not work out in the end. It might. It might not. But whether it does or not will likely not be determined today or tomorrow. But it is determined gradually over the course a many days, weeks, and months. Don't waste these days being needy or feeling neglected. You two are spending a decent amount of time together and it sounds like it's quality time. Don't overlook that. Recognize that you've made progress and focus on how to make more. Notice the similarities between how you are acting now and how you acted to drive him away in the first place. Now look at the similarities between how you've acted to bring him closer to you and how you're acting now. See what I mean? The things that made things worse before are making things worse now. And things that have made things better are still making things better. But you have to work more on cutting the things that have made things worse and refining the things that have made things better.

 

At least, this is the attutude that I'm adopting. It's been easy to forget how much worse things were for me just a couple months ago. So I'm trying to remember the attitude that got me this far because lately I feel like I've been slipping. Maybe it's a two steps forward, one step back game.

 

Einstein said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."

[strange love]

Smile

 

You first appeared on here back in october, its now 8 months later.

 

Guess what? Your ex is still around. Did you think that that would be possible 8 months ago?

 

Anyways just keep doing what your doing...

I was thinking about what I would do if I was with someone..

And I guess you have to keep them on the edge somewhat.

 

well good luck

[smile]

Angeleyez2583 You think that it sounds good but I should take things slow? What does that mean exactly? I know that sounds like a stupid question but after being with someone for 4 years what does slow mean? How do you do that? I know rushing back into everything is wrong... but how do I do it?

 

Universe , you think I take things too seriously.. that my reactions are a bit overboard... and I agree. But I think this situation is just so tough. I have NO IDEA what to expect from him. The last talk we had was in January. Now he seems to be spacing himself from me and I dont know why.... but he keeps inviting me to family functions and I dont know why. Today I wigged out because we talked it was cool then he said he had to go to target. I called back 30 mins later to ask about his neice's graduation and it rang , then stopped then went to voicemail... isnt that what happens when someone denies your call? So I didnt leave a msg. Then I called back , straight to voicemail. I asked when his neice's graduation was bc I wanted to get her present for that day or before... but I also said that I was gonna ask him if he wanted to help me shop for it but he probably wouldnt cause he is so busy. Then I said just call me back and let me know whenever you get a chance... bye. And why did I do that? I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA.

 

Sometimes I think I am just mad at him because I dont know whats going on. I dont know what to feel or how to react. I am a huge mess and it sucks. I dont want him to go away but this back and forth is messing me up bigtime.

 

Here's the thing.. I am ok until we talk... then it werids me out. First I get happy. Then I feel reconnected to him.. but then I feel brushed off and angry again. I have no idea whats up.

 

Strangelove my ex is still around .. but is this good? Universe am I supposed to be ok with the unkown... do I ask what he wants? I dont want to scare him off but I dont want to be afraid to ask what he did this weekend... rats this sucks.

I still love him but this is not what I had in mind. And the sucky thing is the bad part could be all in my head, like last time. Why do I do this? Should I trust him? Should I just ask? Raaarrrr.

[upsetnhurt]

Smile,

 

8 months and this is how far you have gone..........how about trying a new technique and one that won't cause you some much heartbreak......move on with your life and see that there are tons of fish in the sea, even ones that will treat you a thousand times better than the way you are being treated now. I don't blame your ex as he is living his life exactly how he wants to and is only taking what you are willing to give. Enough is enough.....why don't you give him sometime to miss you (more than one day......) Maybe then you will know what his true feelings are..

[Universe]

Universe am I supposed to be ok with the unkown[?]

Yes. But within reason. If he sleeps or is sleeping with other people, you should know. There's too many diseases out there to risk opening yourself up to whatever he's exposed himself to. This is not to mention your emotional health. It's hard to believe that you haven't really had a talk since January. But by now there should be at least some acknowledgement that something is transpiring between you. You don't have to label anything or make any demands (and I wouldn't). But you've been having sex and being affectionate with each other. So there should be a spoken agreement that you will be honest and tell each other if and when you partake in any sort of sexual exchange with anyone else.

Beyond that, yes, you need to be ok with the unknown because you can't possibly know everything. No one enjoys it when people expect them to disclose where they've been or what they've been doing. You don't need to know every little detail. When you feel that you do, you are being extremely needy. Think about it. Imagine feeling like you have to be held accountable to someone else for every second of your day. I've been there. I've been on both sides. It's not healthy or desirable.

isnt that what happens when someone denies your call?

It could have been any number of things. It doesn't necessarily mean he denied your call. But seriously, what difference does it make if he did. Maybe he was busy or just really not in the head space to talk to you. That doesn't mean he doesn't like you anymore. People need there own time. People need to be able to have some control over when and how to converse with others. This is one of the major pains about cell phones. People can get a hold of you any time they want. So you have to consciously decide to take a call or not take a call. I've denied calls from my ex many times and I love her with all my heart.

I also know how much it can hurt when you fairly certain that they must be consciously ignoring you. I still get hurt and frustrated when that happens. I get downright angry about it. So I know where you're coming from. And it's hard (impossible) to just relax and forget about it. But it's not really fair to take this anger out on your ex. It's not their fault that you had the whim to call them for whatever reason at a time when they were simply not in the mood to talk. You don't own him. You love him for who he is exclusive of you. So let him be that. Otherwise, the guy you love won't exist anymore.

If you ask him what he did this weekend, it has to be in a friendly context and not at all inquisitive. You have to accept his answer for whatever it is and not demand more. Because he has no obligation to tell you and let you know. He's not accountable to you.

My suggestion is that you have a talk with him about what's going on between you and how you see yourselves in relationship to one another. And in that converstaion, I suggest that you tell him that if he's going to have a sexual relationship with you, then it's not cool to have sex with other people. If he wants to have sex with someone else, then he needs to tell you before you have sex again. I know this sounds like me projecting my situation on to you. But it seems sensible for you to do this.

 

I know that sounds like a stupid question but after being with someone for 4 years what does slow mean?

Slow means not spending every second together. It means not spending every day together. It means not coming on to heavy. Don't overwhelm each other with "I Love You"'s. You maintain a certain amount of separation. You plan your time together to maximize the fun of it. Couples that last into their 80s are couples who continue to date - meaning they go on dates once a week or so. Dates are planned ahead of time and should be fun. A date is when you both try to be at your best for each other. So when you are taking it slow, go on dates every week or two. Then only see each other a couple times otherwise during the week. Paces will vary. But the point is to try to observe your behavior and take notice when you fall into old patterns or anxieties that you know were detrimental in the past. You have a sort of second chance. So don't make the same mistakes again. But if you rush back in, you will almost definitely make the same mistakes. You need to take time alone to get over you neediness and understand how to correct the behaviors that are still causing problems.

 

All that said, be careful not to get so wrapped up in analyizing yourself and correcting yourself that you stop being yourself. Be confident. He likes you already. So relax and let him like you. It's not your personality that drove him away. It was your neediness. You need to be able to handle living without him before you can live with him.

 

Get it?

[smile]

Universe you are so smart about these things. And it is so insightful and easy for me to relate to because you know of what you speak. Thanks for being here and listening to me go on and on. Thanks for understanding.

 

That being said.. I have noticed that when we hang out for the first time in a while (after a few days of space) it feels healthier. I dont feel that heavy neediness gnawing away at my insides. It feels clean and easy ya know?

 

I know I need to give it space and live my life. I just get so scared that he is going away sometime soon. I dunno its dumb because one of the things that helped me when he broke up with me was the realization that the world still went on without him. My world still was full of love and life. I need to remember that, its just when he is in the picture that needy clingy me tries to sneak back out.

 

I just want us to be together. I guess i am too impatient. I need to be ok with us being as we are I know. I need to get myself busy and have more fun. I know. I am starting to feel ready to just go out , have fun, and not think about him not being there. Not to dwell on how much fun I woulda had if HE was there. Just have fun with ME.

 

I really appreciate what you said about it not being my personality that drove him away. It was my neediness. You are so right about that. That is the one hurdle he felt we couldnt overcome. I guess I need to use this opportunity to show him I dont need him... and I shouldnt feel bad about him not NEEDING me either. I should appreciate the fact that even tho he doesnt need me, he still wants me.

 

You are so great at talking me down from my freak outs. Thank you so much. I bow down to you* Thanks again